made up of matter

It’s been three days, two hours, fourteen minutes, and 56 seconds since everybody left.

57. 58…

I was in here for some pretty bad burns, and they still seared against my bandages. But I’m also up and about, so, who knows, maybe I’m just rocking the boat.

I’ve been talking to myself as I wander through some of the hallways mindlessly, and I call them “I Don’t Know What Time It Is TED Talks With Gwendolyn”. I talk about life-changing experiences, such as when I tried my first pickle, Claussen, obviously, and when I discovered the world of caramel sauce on ice cream and apple pie.

Or I talk about my burns, when the hour I’m in feels a little dark and gloomy.

But I usually don’t talk about my burns, I like to lighten the mood, and therefore I’ve also started “Gwendolyn’s Stand Up Comedy For Losers Stuck In A Hospital Against Their Will”. I always have such wonderful crowds, including the local dust mites, or if a show got some extra attention, maybe a bug that managed to get it will crawl over to me, spinning in those office chairs like a three-year-old.

I hadn’t thought about the fact that I might not be alone. Maybe not everyone got out. I don’t really remember what happened three days ago. It was the middle of the night, and everybody was screaming and shouting out commands and wheelchairs were squeaking and I could hear people crying left and right. I hid under my bed.

Maybe I didn’t want to get out.

Who am I kidding? I wanted to get out of that goddamn place every single day. The stench of sick people, the terrible food. I wanted some fast food for once, God.

As I was in the middle of one another of my Gwen’s TED Talks, there was a rustle. The hospital always kinda sounded a little sketchy, especially since I was here alone, but this was a louder rustle.

I stopped for a little, then shrugged, and continued talking about my newest invention: human rights. I pointed out to people in my audience, laughing when one of them whooped when I brought up Minnesota. I gave a big, hearty laugh and then somebody laughed back.

My heart stopped, and not for the first time either.

The hairs on my arms that hadn’t been seared off stood on end, and my knees went weak.

“You’re too funny, Gwendolyn, I swear!” a voice called. A boy. He sounded my age…

“Um, can I help you?” I said, peeking into the corner.

“Nah, they already tried that. You’re really cute, and funny, Gwendolyn, did you know that?”

Okay, this was getting weird. Sweat started to form, and I rolled my eyes. I sweated so easily, it was so annoying. One minute outside in anything above 75 degrees? Oh no.

“So, Gwendolyn,” he said again, coming out of his corner. I’m sorry, this may sound bad, but God, he was good looking. And I kinda liked how he was using my whole name. Everyone else always called me Gwen.

“Uh, yes? Also, what’s your name and frankly, why the hell are you here?” I asked him. He smirked and ran his hands through his hair.

“Nothing. My name is Nolan.”

Huh. I always liked the name Nolan.

“Interesting, Nolan. Did you hide under your bed too?”

“Um, no, I can’t even remember what happened three days, four hours, eight minutes, and fifteen seconds ago.”

“Fourteen. Okay. Well, why are you here in the first place? This is where all the crazy people go, and you don’t look too crazy,” I looked him up and down, and he made eye contact with me. Then his eyes went to my arms.

“I’m a Gemini. What about you? Your arms look like stories, Gwendolyn,”

“Oh, shut up. Seriously though.”

“I tried to do some stuff, y’know,”

“ You tried, huh? Well, I’m glad nothing went your way, Nolan.”

“Yeah.”

There was a moment of awkward silence, as any moment would be regarding this topic. Nothing to fill it, because you can’t really say anything afterwards.

Nolan smiled and then walked towards me.

I’d always wondered if love at first sight was real. There was definitely attractiveness at first sight, but love?

Surely not.

We walked through one of the hallways I didn’t love to go down, shoulders brushing.

“So, Nolan, what’s your story? I mean, I don’t care why you’re here, if anything, let’s just forget that, okay? Who are you minus the trying? I know there’s somebody in there,” I asked him, and his eyes went a little dark, and then he took a deep breath, patting me on the shoulder.

“If only there was such a thing, Gwendolyn,” he said, his voice shaking a little. He closed his eyes and then his lips started moving. Counting.

“Wow, you’re dedicated,” I said, giggling a bit. He looked at me and smirked ever so slightly, the bumped into me the way guys do.

“Sure am,” he replied. There was something a bit different about Nolan. And a part of me desperately wanted to know.

We continued walking, maybe even closer this time, and then his fingers brushed up against mine. My face flushed, and the tip of my ears went pink. When you’ve spent a week or more in this place, you kinda forget what it’s like to be loved.

Well, damn, that sounded depressing. What I mean is, there aren’t gentle finger brushes and glowing smiles from your 45-year-old doctor, who really just wants the day to be done.

“Nolan, do you want to hold my hand?” I asked, stumbling over my words. He smiled like an idiot and then looked away, rubbing the back of his hair.

“I mean, sure, if that’s okay with you…” he murmured, and then I held out my palm, and he laced his fingers with mine. A rush of electricity shocked me, and I felt woozy for a second.

In all the books, this is what being drunk feels like.

We were quiet for a while, audible sighs coming from both of us every once in a while.

Nolan took a hitched breath, and his hand squeezed mine.

“Well, if you really want to know, Gwendolyn, I have a brother, Cal. He’s nine, and full of energy. I’m talking race cars, digs a dirt hole impressively deep in our backyard, and he’s just always fun to be around,” he started, our hands swaying.

“I used to swim, but then when I realized that doing it in middle school at my level meant going to practice like 24/7, I couldn’t do it, so. And I really like writing, and I’m a Gemini as I said earlier, so I’m crazy, hence why I’m here.”

I couldn’t help but almost laugh. I was a Pieces.

“That’s all?” I said, rubbing his finger with my thumb. We walked down a flight of stairs and then kept roaming.

“Well, minus the craziness, Gwendolyn, that’s pretty much it.” he said, shoulders drooping a little. I knew the feeling.

At this point, who are we without our craziness?

“That sucks, and I know that’s the worst possible thing I could ever say to somebody, but it really does.” I said. He nodded, then smiled.

“What’s gotten you all sunshiny?” I questioned, my lips turning up.

“Nothing. You, well, you’re really pretty, Gwendolyn,” he said, blushing again.

“You act like I don’t already know that,” I teased.

*

“Okay, Gwendolyn, it’s been…” Nolan counted on his fingers as we ate our kitchen food breakfast, “approximately 9 days, eleven hours, forty-three minutes, and… God, there’s no point in counting seconds, who are we kidding?”

I laughed, and my head hit the table. He started laughing, and then before you know it, I’m pounding the table, tears flowing out of my eyes, and I can’t even breathe.

Those things have never happened to me for good reasons before.

I kinda like this feeling.

Nolan reached for my hand, and I smiled. Butterflies exploded everyday in my stomach anytime he touched me, it was kinda great.

“Nolan, what are we gonna do?” I asked, pushing away my plate of thawed pancakes.

“I… I don’t really know, Gwendolyn, to be honest,”

“Fair enough. What do you want to do today? Let’s not worry about tomorrow, or five days from now. Just today, okay?”

“That sounds good.”

As we got up, we passed by what we called the Motivation Corner, a corner in the waiting room full of motivational quotes and random stuff you might find in a school counselor’s office.

We walked by a “#YOU MATTER” sign and I couldn’t help but cringe. Great sign to put up here, oh, the irony.

“You know,” Nolan said, almost reading my brain, “Cal told me this once: you never don’t matter. He didn’t mean it in some philosophical way or anything, but he had just been in science lab or something, and he came up to me and was like, ‘hey, Nolan, when you say that you don’t matter you’re lying because we’re all made up of matter!’ and I swear it was the cutest thing ever.”

“Aw, that’s actually really cute!” I said, glancing at his hand. He smiled, then stopped walking.

“Yeah, it is, isn’t it?”

He stretched out his arms, arching his back. He was tall, about 5’ 11’’, but he looked taller when he stretched.

I stared at him, then he looked at me and crooked his head. It was adorable, and in that moment, I realized that I truly, really liked this Nolan.

“Hey, Gwendolyn?”

“Yes, Nolan?”

“I really like spending time with you,”

“Aw, thanks! I love it as well. Almost makes me glad that I came here, but that’s bad, so…”

“Yeah, anyways, but for real, if I could spend the rest of my life on a deserted island with anyone, it would be you.”

“We’re already kinda living on one, to be honest,”

“Yeah, aren’t we?”

He smiled, then walked closer to me. His hand trembled a little before it reached my jawline.

“Is this okay?” he asked sweetly. I nodded, unable to speak.

His hand lingered there for a bit, and then his other arm moved to my waist.

Suddenly, his fingers stopped roaming and I could feel his hands tremor. His lips quivered, and his eyes went glassy.

“Nolan? Hey, this is okay, okay?” I said, my stomach tightening.

“Yeah, it is, you’re right. I just- I don’t know, Gwendolyn, I’m scared,” his voice cracked, which was kind of adorable.

“Scared of what? It’s okay, we can just be friends, if that’s what you want,”

“No, I want this, I really do, hell, I’ve never wanted something more, but, I just don’t know,”

I took his hand in mine and looked up at him, his blue gray eyes looking into mine a little wistfully.

I licked my lips, and then he started to say something in a murmur.

But I didn’t hear it.

As soon as our lips collided, I let go of everything. I forgot everything.

And I know Nolan forgot too.

I forgot about my burns.

He forgot about trying.

Now, all we wanted was each other, and I really didn’t want anything else ever again.

“Hey, Nolan,” I whispered as we laid on my bed that I had once hated, limbs entangled.

“Yeah?”

“I hope that our audience didn’t see that,”

He burst out laughing and his whole body shook. Tears began to flow, but for a good reason.

“You know, Gwendolyn, my brother was definitely right,”

“About what?”

“We’re all made up of matter, aren’t we?”

I smiled and then ran my fingers through his soft hair.

He’s like one of those life-changing experiences that I’ll talk about on my TED talks.

Discovering pickles, chocolate ice cream, apple pie, and him.

45… 46…