Leaving It All Behind

I made it out, but at what cost? When I was growing up, as the oldest of four, I should have been playing outside. I was actually counting the drinks my father had and watching my mother’s pill intake. My three younger siblings looked to me to help them get their homework done, get to school, and be taken care of because our parents were deadbeats. It is honestly shocking that CPS never took us away, but every time we got to school, teachers never noticed the bruises on my arms. I did my best to cover them up, of course, out of fear that I would be separated from my siblings. It was my job to protect them and help take care of them. Jacob, the second oldest, was four years younger than me, then there was Brenna, and finally Nathan. They all looked up to me; the unspoken rule was to look towards their older sister before going near our parents. My parents had me after a wedding in Vegas when they were young, drunk, and in love. Only one of those things still stands to be true to this day. Eventually, I turned sixteen. I had a crappy job and began saving up money in hopes of getting into a college I wanted more in life. And I knew I was not going to get anywhere if I stayed here.

“Megan!” I heard Nathan call for me, waking me up out of my slumber. I rolled out of my bed that was slowly breaking in my stained T-shirt and sweatpants that were too small and looked like capris.

“Yes, Nate?” My voice gargled, sounding like I was holding back a loogie. But by the time I got to him, I saw what was happening: my siblings were standing around the couch where our father had passed out with a woman half-naked in his arms and a beer bottle in his hand that was spilling out onto the carpet. Nathan was holding onto his baby blanket out of fear; he was too old to still be clutching onto that. And yet, at the same time, it showed his innocence and my need to protect him.

I grabbed the bottle and emptied it into the sink before tossing it. “What do we do?” Branna asked, holding onto Jacob.

I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed. “Mother will be home soon… Everyone goes into my room.”

No one moved, but it was too late; we heard the door rattle open as our mother stumbled in. “What are you all doing awake?” Her eyes narrowed on the couch. I watched as the scene unraveled.

My instincts kicked in, and I blocked out her voice, grabbing my siblings and forcing them into my room. I shoved them all into the small closet and closed the doors on them, and sat with my back up against it. I could hear them beginning to scream, my siblings sniffling behind the doors. Nathan had begun crying; he was only a kid; he had not yet learned that you could not be emotional to make it in this world. But even worse, I realized Nathan needed his blanket.

“Get out of here, you skank!” My mother screamed,

“Don’t be jealous–” The woman began to call, but was cut off by a smack so hard I could hear it through the thin walls. I crawled on all fours towards the door and peeked out to see my dad now holding mom back as she tried to attack the woman he was with. The woman, who looked much different now that she was awake and had a red handprint on the side of her face. I could see how fake she looked, and I wondered if she was rich based on all the procedures it looked like she had undergone. I crawled slowly towards the back of the couch, where Nathan’s baby blue blanket was. All I had to do was get it without being noticed.

I ducked my head down as I scraped my body up against the side of the wall to try to make myself look smaller. Sadly, the old floors were against me, and as I shifted my weight, the whole house went silent as the ground below creaked.

“Which one of you is it?” My dad’s rough voice called.

I stood up, keeping my head lowered, “I was just getting Nathan’s blanket for him.”

“Look at me when I am talking to you.” He ordered.

I obeyed.

“Meg.” My mom then said, I directed my attention towards her. “Did you know about this?” She asked and looked at the woman, who was now posed like she wanted her picture taken.

My eyes shot to her, then to my dad, then back at my mom, and then back to my dad. His eyes were full of warning. “I uhh, I don’t know.” I could hear the words tremble, as though they were not my own.

“You were already in the room when I came in.” She accused,

I looked at my dad now, and my heart plummeted. “I didn't see her.”

“You didn’t see the woman lying on your father?”

“No.” My voice quivered, and tears rolled down my face.

She stormed up to me and gripped my chin in her hands. “Go to your room, close your eyes, get on your scrawny knees, and pray for forgiveness.” Then she leaned into my ear and whispered, “Liar.”

I did as she said, went back to my closet where my siblings were, and held them all in my arms. As the night went on, I tucked my siblings into their beds and kissed them all goodnight. When I finally walked back to my own room, my father was sitting on the mattress. “You’re a good kid.”

I stood there silently.

“I mean it.” He smiled.

“I won’t be here forever,” I managed to say.

“Yes, you will,” He coughed into his calloused hands. “You ain’t got no money, you aren’t smart enough to get into college, you have no athletic talent for a scholarship. Not with them wobbly knees.” He spoke in broken sentences, showing me my future if I did not escape.

“What do you want?”

“Do you actually think you stand a chance out there in the real world?”

I swallowed hard at his comment. “I–” He cut me off.

“You may want to leave, but you would never leave them, Jacob, Brenna, or Nathan.” I felt hot tears slowly falling down my cheeks; he was right. My dad left my room, leaving me standing there dumb founded. I would never be able to escape here so long as I put my siblings before me. That night, it had to be done; I would never be free. I packed a bag, stole the cash out of my dad’s wallet, and ran away.

Years later, I had a halfway decent job, boyfriend, and a nice apartment. I lived in peace and never looked back. This was my world now; I had left everything else behind me and given up on my past. Over the years, I had been scared about my past catching up or anyone in my family finding me. They never did, I was free.