Evening Musings

Jack had broken my heart bad enough that the sky had cried as much as I did. It seemed like Mother Nature knew just how much I was hurting, the rain in Atlanta coming day in and day out. It was as if though Mother Nature had given her healing process to me and I was too stubborn to use it. Tears tumbled down my cheeks like the rain splattering against the windows of buildings and cars. Excess wine and wallowing caused my life to pause; my pain becoming my personal pandemic that there was no cure for yet. I was unsure if there would be one effective enough to eradicate it completely. Only time would tell, but right now, things weren’t looking good in the short term.

Once I had enough energy to get out of bed, I tried everything to get rid of his memory. The only thing that made a dent that was healthier than alcohol was exercise. Walking in the park was our evening ritual, but once we broke up and I let go of the initial shock, the familiar walks became the only thing getting me out of the house. I’d be lying if I said I lost track of how long we’d been broken up. It felt like an eternity. 

    This particular evening, I had gotten off work late, slithered my way through the heavy Atlanta traffic, and finally arrived at the park with just enough time to spare. My phone was just as drained as I was, but I still cautiously listened to music before it finally died. I had always wished that emotions had a power button. That would’ve made my life much easier. The sky wore dusk well and looked as if it were quickly painted last minute; various streaks of pink and orange adorning the skyline. I knew the park would be closing soon, but the evening walks had become such a coping mechanism, I had to do it. It was far healthier than the unhealthy amounts of wine I had consumed since our breakup. There were still people and dogs scattered throughout the park, the urge to pet every dog that passed me made my hands clammy. I tried to focus my attention on the way the leaves rattled in the wind or how my shoes crunches against the pavement, but was unsuccessful. My thoughts were always intrusive.

    He loved dogs. I shook my head, the thought tumbling back behind the wall of my heart and sped up my gait enough to begin heading back to my car. Some days were better than others. However, I quickly learned that the ups and downs were a large part of the healing process. I no longer knew where he was in the world, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered now was the fact that every step I took through the park was one more step toward getting over him. Now I see why mom smokes and Uncle Sam drinks like he does. They’re just as heartbroken as I am. I wonder if Jack is heartbroken over me. Hell no. He’s only heartbroken over his favorite Italian restaurant being closed or when the stock market is down.

    “Harper?” a voice as familiar as the wind in my ears said. I stopped in my tracks. I imagined this is how my black friends felt getting pulled over by the police. My heart pounded against my chest, threatening to fall out at any moment. I couldn’t turn around. There was no way this was happening. Then again, my mom always said, “Think of the devil and he’ll come to you.”

    “Harper,” he said again. I didn’t know what to do. I took a deep breath, turning around. It felt like we had seen each other for the first time all over again, yet he looked more intrigued by me than he ever had.

    “Jack.” He hadn’t aged a day, but things felt different. His eyes no longer held the fire I once saw, and his long, lean frame no longer excited me. In our relationship, he had been as clever as the devil and twice as pretty, but now he just looked... plain. I guess that’s what happens when someone thinks they’re more special than you are; God snatches it right from them along with you’re rose colored glasses.

    “How- how have you been?” He reached to hug me, but I took a step back. I didn’t want to look at him, much less touch him.

    “Without you? Fantastic.” I prayed he wouldn’t know I was only half lying.

    “You look good.” 

    “You don’t.” My words were so pointed that if they had come to life, they could’ve killed him. A girl could dream.

    He let out a chuckle, “I deserve that.” I stood there for a moment, trying to think of something to say. There was nothing to say. Anything I thought of was mean and would make me no better than he was.

    “Right. See you, Jack.” I turned on my heel, lengthening my leg out as far as humanly possible and strode away. I’d had my heart broken long before Jack stomped on it with his designer shoes. I’d spilt cups of coffee, lost friends and family, and fallen more times than I could count. This was a different type of hurt. This was the type of hurt I’d only ever read about. 

    By the time I got back to my car, I felt like I had run a marathon. I slammed my door as quick as I could. My breathing was running away from me like I had run from Jack and I fought off the urge to cry. My grief was non-linear, but this moment felt like someone had stabbed me in the sternum with a butcher knife. Hard and fast, much like our breakup had been. I sat for a moment, attempting to collect myself, but unable to. Well, I thought, back to the wine I go. The park was no longer my safe haven and I refused to run into him again until I completely healed.