Professor Schnooz-Breaking Through Schleep (Sleep) Barriers

Major Prompt: Write about a breakthrough that arrives just in time or much too late.

Prompt: Your character wakes up from a dream with a long-awaited idea or answer.

Professor Schnooz-Breaking Through Schleep (Sleep) Barriers

Attendees of the very first narcolepsy/sleep conference file into the conference center in the town of Sleepy Hollow on the rustic shores of New Bedshire. A speaker dressed in a white lab coat is broadcasting on the auditorium stage. He begins with the announcement;

“Welcome to the first annual Narco Meet, Greet and Sleep Networking Session. Be sure to stay alert for that ever-important connection that will knock the daylights out of your sleep schedule. Professor Schnooz is our featured speaker if he can be aroused out of his REM sleep.” The audience chortles with some light laughter.

“Let’s welcome him now with a thunderous round of yawning and Z’s.” The crowd applauds, yawns, and whistles their approval. The noise then ceases after a minute. No one is approaching.

“Will someone please gently shake the professor out of slumberland?” A groggy, weathered looking, white haired man shuffled to the stage. And then he fumbled with his cane as he took to the podium. The professor unfurled a large cylindrical scroll which cascaded onto the floor and into the first row of seats. His lisp and accent were thick. When he spoke, drool gathered at the corners of his mouth.

“My fellow somnologists, neurologists and narcissists. Oops, I mean proctologists. No that’s not right either. I mean to say all of you insomniacs, snore ologists and otolaryngologists. “

Then someone in the first row holding a handkerchief to his face yelled out, “Say it professor, don’t spray it!”

“But of course,” as he drooled out the words. “My lectures will shpell out the details of my research on the subject matter: is death nothing more than an unawakenable form of very deep schleep ? What causes it and how to cure it. I discovered this a year ago after I had been in an extensive slumber state. One might think I was auditioning for the role of Rip Van Winkle after I drank some Dutch liquor.” The audience erupted into boisterous laughter.

“It is a three-part presentation beginning today with part one, part two tomorrow and part three the conclusion, will be on the last day of the conference. And I hope it’s not the last day for anyone.” The Professor let out a blurt of wet laughter at his own twisted humor. The guy in the front center seat finally had enough of a saliva shower. He got up shaking his head again mopping his face with his handkerchief. The Professor resumed his discourse.

“You will hear about my intricate discoveries and my investigations into this bizarre sleep phenomenon we call death. And the ultimate cure I have for it.”

The audience was silent. People were sitting on the edge of their seat when suddenly the Professor started snoring. It continued for what seemed like minutes until someone from the audience threw a shoe at him hitting the microphone. The thud sound resonated through the hall. The impact startled the Professor. Later it was determined that the same guy who was dribbled upon by the Professor was the culprit who threw his own shoe.

The Professor began to speak. “Did someone lose their shoe? By the smell of it I think you might have some major foot problems. I know of a good podiatrist.” More snickers from the audience. “Now for my first lecture. Contrary to many opinions schleep is an energy drink. Without it our body enters into a state of discombobulation and low energy. Frequent napping, as I had just illustrated invigorates the body. I would say it is like taking a hot shower. No, maybe a cold one. Anyway, you know what I mean. The brain, body and bowels are all reset with ample sleep.” The Professor discourteously lets out a large, very loud fart. More chuckles from the audience.

He continues, “However, there are times when the body starts to deteriorate and no amount of regular sleep will reset the condition. I like to say we begin to rot. Yet great minds, like me and other medical professionals, offer chemical remedies to stop the progression of our rotting bodies from diseases. It is our livelihood to thwart off such nemeses such as flesh-eating bacteria, gruesome microbial parasites that worm their way inside of us, and unnecessary medical taxes. They digest us from the inside out. Regrettably, there is no remedy for the government overreach on the taxes. Oh, even talking about this gives me the heebie-jeebies.” Some snickering from the crowd.

The crowd became unsettled. Someone in the back shouted, “Get to the point, Professor! I need a bathroom break!”

The Professor continued. “Eventually all of us will succumb to the inevitable. We will all enter that permanent state we call being dead, lifeless, gone, kaput, inert, pushing up the daisies. So, what are some of the observations of people heading into this permanent schleep? They become feeble but not like me. I am just clumsy. They talk about old memories; they see dead people. I don’t mean ghosts because I see them all the time. Their hearts are feeble. They are weak with little muscle control. Not like me I am just clumsy. They don’t pee much. So, you in back if you need a bathroom break that is a good sign you are not heading into schleep death. Another sign of impending deep scIheep is the person wants to be alone with their thoughts. Companionship makes them very ornery and discourteous. I see that my time is almost up for today. I take no questions. Tomorrow, I cover the drug mechanics leading to unawakenable very deep schleep. I entertain only myself for dinner. No visitors at my door. No requests for breakfast tomorrow. I have nothing more to say on this subject for today. Now I must go.”

One would have never guessed a conference on schleep (sleep) was in town. Sleepy Hollow’s night life was buzzing. People were dancing, drinking and networking the whole night through. However, there was no Professor making the rounds. Some wondered if he was still writing his presentation for tomorrow. Others surmised he was sleeping like a baby. A few wondered if he had an elixir to make the undead rise and he was still testing it on himself.

The next morning the bleary-eyed attendees took their seats for part two of the presentation. Many of them reeked of booze and garlic. The Professor shuffled onto the stage. He viciously tapped on the microphone with his scroll of notes. Some of the hungover attendees covered their ears.

The Professor began to address the group. “I can tell many of you like drinking your simple flavored antiseptics and fermented libations. This hall smells of ethyl alcohol. Please refrain from any lit matches or smoking. Ha, ha.” The Professor smiled from ear to ear. Several of the audience members cheered him on.

“Now for the business of today. When you enter this very deep schleep you won’t need any alcohol. Your brain will give you ample chemicals to help you enter into this deep sleep. You want drugs? You will get them. Your body will produce copious numbers of natural opioids called endorphins. Your brain cells will be bathed in serotonin. Your body will be jacked up on adrenaline and a chemical called DMT and noradrenaline.”

The Professor paused. “It is quite the cocktail. But you won’t enjoy because these chemicals overstimulate your body. It causes what I discovered a phenomenon called “excitotoxicity.” It will burn you out. It will burn, baby burn.”

Suddenly, the professor started to sing and dance on the stage. For several minutes he danced and sang “Burn Baby Burn and Baby Light my Fire.” At first the crowd did not know what to make of it, but then the audience rose up from their chairs joining in on a quick shake, rattle and roll. While dancing, the audience joined in on the singing the entire time.

Once order was restored and everyone returned to their seats, the Professor began to speak. “This burn eventually provides one’s brain with the visual effects of bright light. One’s brain can make you see or hallucinate objects and people. I know of a man entering very deep schleep he told me he saw a stairway going into the heaven.”

No sooner had the Professor said this he again was dancing as he hummed the tune to “Stairway to Heaven.” Again, the audience burst into cheers and song. After several stanzas of the song, everyone quieted down. The Professor continued on with his presentation.

“Let me be clear. I shall discuss stages of this unawakenable schleep called death. It is not so complicated as the experts claim which are you in the audience. So let me set you straight. Neither a stopping heart or the lack of brain waves, or both really are a sign of unawakenable, non-reversible death. There is no such thing. Understand that as the body enters what you call rigor mortis, the body begins to cool down. Over time I do know the body forms a grave wax that is called adipocere which can mummify the body. But unfortunately, the microbes still inside the body are faster than the wax formation. Consequently, the body rots and decomposes.” Then the Professor broke out into another sang and dance. This time it was to the tune of “Walk like an Egyptian.” The crowd unleashed enthusiastic yelps of “Go old man go.”

The guy who threw the shoe at the Professor yesterday stood up and shouted at him, “Your head is full of wax, you brainless twit! I am rotting here just listening to you!”

Calmly the Professor responded, “If you are rotting, then you must be the wax head. And the last time I checked my brain was still in place. I do remember your rotting feet from yesterday.” The audience roared with laughter.

“I have still more to share with you today. When the body gets really cold and before serious decomposition occurs, the body activates over five hundred genes during the deep sleep/death process. Glial cells as they are called are still alive. Embryonic cells are viable and able to regenerate. I learned this from my studies on mice and zebra fish.”

The heckler rose again yelling, “You are a murderer. You sacrifice mice and zebras! You are a Frankenstein. The ASPCA must be informed!”

A security guard forcibly removed the agitator. The crowd jeered at the instigator.

He pressed on saying, “So these findings suggest that in unawakenable schleep the body can be restored and given life again. The body eventually can be restored as long as the internal organs have not been seriously damaged by decomposition. That is why it is critical for the body to cool quickly down and the grave wax to form. My breakthrough is how I can do this successfully and restore the original life of the being. But now I am finished for the day. I am exhausted. No visitors, no questions. Tomorrow in part three I will share my incredible breakthrough. Go party and wreak havoc on your liver.”

With those departing words, the Professor feebly made his way off the stage. The crowd gave him a standing ovation.

The revelry continued late into the night and even into the morning. Everyone was excited and hyped in anticipation to learn of the Professor’s breakthrough of a cure for death or as he put it, restoring the body from a very deep unawakenable schleep.

Day three arrived. The crowd gathered and took their places. A throng of news media crowded the aisles and lobby. Even spectators formed outside the conference hall to hear about the Professor’s breakthrough. Patiently, everyone waited with bated breath. Seconds turned to minutes. An hour past and there was no Professor.

An announcer appeared at the podium with this announcement. "I regret to inform you that session three has been canceled. No date has been given for a rescheduling of this session. At this time the Professor has been unavailable for comment.”

What the announcer did not say is they found the Professor’ body in a state of a very deep unawakenable schleep. A note was left on his night table.

It read: “I have nothing. But there is one who holds the key of life and death. It is not me.

I know this: Then the (my) dust will return to the earth as it was, And the spirit will return to God who gave it.”(1)

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”(2)

This is the key to eternal life:

“…if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.” (3)

Ignoring his letter, his colleagues decided to freeze his body anyway. His “deep schleep” was ruled by the medical examiner a natural death caused by old age. His organs simply wore out. Despite his flawed theories and attempt to play God, the Professor knew that Jesus still loved him.

-END-

Author: Pete Gautchier

Acknowledgement: Reedsyprompts.com

1. Ecclesiastes 12:7 NKJV

2. Proverbs 18:21, NKJV

3. Romans 8:11, NKJV