The Agony Aunt

Julie peered out of the car window as Nolan carefully steered around the crowd outside the church. The lane was one car width and people squashed up onto the verge to get out of the way.

“You didn’t tell me your mother’s funeral would be a circus,” he muttered as the car crawled along. “Come to think of it, you didn’t tell me much about your mother at all.”

“Yes, well, being her daughter isn’t something I care to advertise,” Julie said, glowering. “Drop me off here, come back and meet me in the church.”

“Hey, wait,” Nolan said as Julie extricated herself from the car. “Where am I supposed to park? In the next county?”

“You’ll figure it out,” said Julie, shutting the car door firmly and ignoring the whispers around her as she pushed through the crowd. The sky had darkened. People scurried for shelter as a peal of thunder reverberated overhead. She gasped as a sheet of cold rain hit her face.

“Great,” she muttered, futilely trying to pull her jacket up over her head. “Not only am I going to be late, but I’m going to look like a drowned rat.”

Hustling up the path to the church, she stumbled and felt the heel of her right shoe snap off. She pushed the heavy oak door open and lurched into the vestry. Wiping her face with a tissue, she peered into the church. The familiar scent of dust, candle wax and flowers wafted towards her, carrying her back to her childhood. Old Mrs. Simpson was playing the organ, wild gray curls sticking out from the same black velvet hat Julie remembered her wearing years ago. When the hymn blasted to a crescendo, she hobbled into the first pew as discreetly as she could. A plump woman holding a chubby toddler glared at her.

“Hello, Dina,” Julie said, eyeing the toddler warily. “My goodness, Samuel’s grown.”

“Well, if it isn’t Miss Big City girl,” Dina said. “Better late than never, I suppose. What happened to you? You look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.”

“Never mind that,” snapped Julie as Samuel began to whine. “Just keep your rug rat quiet.”

“Hush,” said an elderly lady in the pew in front of them, shooting daggers as the music died down.

Julie and Dina exchanged glares as they sat down, and the vicar rose to speak. Their mother gazed at them regally from a soft-focus portrait on an easel next to the oak coffin at the front of the church. The public persona, Julie thought, as the vicar droned on about her mother’s humble beginnings in the area and how she had returned to her roots in the village after retiring from her career as a beloved advice columnist under the name of Auntie Grace. She started as Nolan, damp and breathless, sat down beside her, oblivious to the curious glances directed at him.

“Dina, meet my partner Nolan,” Julie muttered. "Nolan, meet my sister Dina."

Nolan and Dina nodded politely at each other.

“I had to park in Timbuktu,” he whispered. Julie silenced him with a nudge, nodding towards the vicar who had gone on to relate how Auntie Grace had transitioned seamlessly from newspaper columns to podcasts featuring heart-wrenching and uplifting stories. He finally concluded by directing the congregation to look up at the new roof that Auntie Grace had paid for. Julie sighed in relief as they filed out into the graveyard.

“She sounds like a really special lady,” Nolan said as they stood by the graveside. Julie and Dina scoffed in unison, hostility forgotten for the moment.

“What did I say?” said Nolan, bewildered. “And, Julie, why are you limping?”

Before Julie could respond, Dina shrieked as Samuel squirmed out of her grasp and hurtled towards his father who was standing with the other pall bearers at the graveside.

“Daddy!” he squealed, giggling as Nolan tackled him. They both went down as Nolan slipped on the wet grass, narrowly missing the open grave.

“Thank you, thank you,” Dina said, breathlessly grabbing her offspring. “You come with me, young man.”

Scooping up the wriggling toddler, she rushed him off. Nolan glanced at his grass-stained suit and shrugged wryly. Smothering a grin, Julie pointed at her ruined shoe. They came to attention as the vicar cleared his throat. The rest of the graveside service passed without incident. Even the rain held off.

“Follow me,” said Julie as the last straggler left the church yard. “Let’s walk back to the house through the woods and avoid the ghouls. There were a few reporters out there. I don’t fancy getting my picture taken in this state.”

“Can you spill the beans now?” Nolan said, helping her negotiate a fallen log. “What’s all the mystery around your mother, and what’s the deal between you and your sister?”

Julie sighed.

“Mother was a malicious, spiteful woman,” she said. “All that saintly Auntie Grace stuff was for the public. Dina and I have different fathers. I don’t even know who mine was. Mother said he was a military hero who died in combat in Iraq, but I think he was probably a one-night stand from around here. She dumped me with her mother and went off to London where she married Dina’s father. He was thirty years older than her but wealthy. Very conveniently he died when Dina was two, leaving Mother lots of money. Somehow, she got into the advice column stuff, and it took off. We hardly saw her after that. It was all boarding schools and nannies. First world problems, I know, but it wasn’t a warm, fuzzy childhood.”

Nolan raised his brows.

“Wow, that’s quite a story. Look, here’s your sister.”

Dina came hurrying down the path, smiling uncertainly.

“They told me you were coming this way. I'm sorry for the way I acted in the church. Why do we go back to being six years old in an instant?”

Julie shrugged and grinned.

“Years of being played off against each other by that old woman don’t disappear overnight. Remember? Why didn't I get married and have a kid like you? Why were you stuck at home instead of having a career like me? It was childish of me. I’ve had therapy. I should know better.”

Dina turned to Nolan.

“You’re my hero. I hope we haven’t scared you off. Welcome to our weird family.”

“I was just filling him in on the details,” Julie said. “What made Mother so hateful to us and why did she come back here? She had enough money to live anywhere.”

“We didn't fit in the image she curated. She didn't want to be known as an unwed mother and then as a gold digger. I think she was bullied when she was growing up, and shunned when she had you. She wanted to come back and play lady of the manor to rub her success in their faces,” Dina said.

They emerged into the grounds of a large, elegant house.

“Whoa,” said Nolan, stopping in his tracks and staring.

“Yes, she literally was lady of the manor,” said Julie.

“Say what you will about her,” Dina said. “She had chutzpah. I’ve had therapy too. Let’s try to be the better people. Come on. They’ll be wondering where we are.”

“Looking like this?” Julie said, brows raised.

“Think of it as an agony aunt would,” said Dina. “What would Auntie Grace have said?”

“Walk in with your head held high, shoulders back and dare people to say anything,” said Julie, laughing.

“Yup,” said Dina. “That was her solution to most problems.”

Arm in arm, the three of them headed for the house.