Lighter

Lighter

If someone had asked her if she could imagine having a child that would one day cut her out of her life entirely, she would have said that was impossible. That was something that happened to “other” people - people who were abusive or neglectful parents, people whose kids were just bad or disturbed, people who simply didn’t want or love their children, people who posted about their heartache on Instagram in “parental separation” support groups. That was never going to happen to someone like her. From the moment he was born, she loved her baby boy, Seth. After becoming pregnant on the first try with her daughter Lily, conceiving Seth was another story. 3 rounds of IVF later, she and her husband finally received the joyful news. No child was wanted more than Seth.

But unlike Lily, Seth was a difficult baby. He didn’t like being held, he spurned affection and was often fussy. It was nearly impossible to find a baby formula that didn’t make him throw up. Despite those tough infant years, Seth grew into a happy toddler. Their house was the one where all the neighborhood kids gravitated. They built him a swing set area complete with a tree house. They redecorated their playroom to look like a giant aquarium with sharks and colorful fish stenciled on the walls. He never lacked playmates. There were family trips to Disneyworld, Europe and their annual beach trips to the Carolina shore with their best friends and their two kids. Outsiders would view Seth’s childhood as “idyllic.”

Those early childhood years spring boarded into the teens. Seth was by all standards easy going. No crazy mood swings or trouble with drinking or drugs. He wasn’t considered a social butterfly or academic stand-out like his sister, preferring instead the company of a few close friends. Most of his teen years were spent playing video games in their basement or building forts in the thick woods behind their house. Seth had a kind and gentle nature. He never said a bad word about anyone. He was the furthest thing from a problem child.

After high school he enrolled in a state university on the west coast. He did well enough, but during his sophomore year he called home and told them the west coast lifestyle wasn’t for him. He transferred to another state college closer to home to finish his college degree.

College was followed by his father’s desire to have Seth work in the family business, something Seth had done part-time throughout his high school years. He seemed on board with the idea, and so his professional career was officially launched.

Things were calm for a while. But then something changed. After college he married. She seemed like a nice enough girl. Pretty and smart, but a personal life that was a mess. Estranged from her mother since the age of seven, and a father who betrayed her with her best friend, her upbringing was the textbook definition of dysfunctional. That marriage ended after 2 years. Seth just couldn’t cope with her frequent and severe bouts with depression. No sooner had the ink dried on his divorce and enter wife #2, almost a carbon copy of wife #1 (less the family dysfunction). Was Seth drawn to dysfunctional women? Did their weakness make him feel in control? Slowly and over time, Seth started to pull away from his long-time friends and family. At work, he would call in sick almost every other day, or he would make some excuse not to go to work. A headache, a problem with the house, his wife’s depression. Eventually he was at home more than at work. The other employees started to complain about his constant absences. His father tried to reason with him. “If you don’t turn things around Seth, I’m going to have to let you go.” The warnings went on for months, but Seth’s behavior didn’t change. And so, he was terminated.

And then it all came crashing down. 2:43am and she was startled awake by the ringing of her phone. Bleary-eyed and half asleep, she heard the hysterical vice of her daughter in-law. “Seth is out of control,” she sobbed. “He thinks someone is breaking into the house. He pushed me into the closet and told me not to come out. Now he’s barricading our windows with clothes. I don’t know what to do.” Her mind immediately went to the hunting guns Seth had locked in the house. She tried to calm her daughter-in-law by forcing herself to think clearly. What should they do? They were too far away to jump in the car and drive to Seth’s house. So, they made a decision. Call the police. She dialed 911 and patched her daughter-in-law into the call. The police arrived to find Seth pacing the yard, a nail gun in his hand. He tried to run away but the cops out maneuvered him and placed him in handcuffs. The next day they went to the police station to pick him up. He was angry. Angrier than they had ever seen him. “Why did you call the cops?” he asked. “Now I can’t go home because I have a restraining order against me.” They tried to reason with him. They were worried he was going to hurt himself, or his wife. What would he have done if he had been in their situation? But no amount of reasoning could get through to him.

It got progressively worse. While his marriage remained intact, he stopped calling. Stopped emailing. Stopped all communication with everyone in his family, including Lily. It was all their fault that his life was falling apart. Attempt after attempt to try and diffuse the situation, to explain their actions was received with silence. Offers for family counseling went unanswered. As parents, they were officially cancelled.

It’s been two years with no communication. They have soldiered through all of the stages of grief. There are no more tears left to cry. Therapy sessions have helped (somewhat). “You did nothing wrong,” the therapist tells them. “You both have to go on with your lives. Sadly, he will have to hit rock bottom before you can expect to hear from him.”

It’s then that she has her breakthrough. After 31 years of trying to “fix” every problem in Seth’s life, having to cover up for his mistakes, having to always manage and smooth the way for him so he didn’t have to do for himself, that she feels this odd sense of freedom. Of being liberated from the heaviness that came with constantly helping Seth navigate life. Deep down she believes that someday he’ll return, but for now, that new-found lightness keeps her grounded. And for today, that is enough.

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