The light in your eyes

The light in your eyes

We were made to be.

We were made to be whole.

But there was a darkness in you.

That broke us

And separated us

Until we were no more

Except for shadows of what once was

Never to be again.

Those words echoed in my head. Words that I wish I would’ve said. Words that still haunt me. Words that weigh more than a freight train. Words that will never make a difference.

She left me. She left me with little warning. She left me and took everything I had. I remember standing in front of that slab of concrete, seeing all that I had left in the world, sitting on that curb. It was for no other reason other than I was not good enough for her. Not rich enough, not hard-working enough, not ‘manly’ enough (whatever that might mean), and, most importantly, not passive enough to give into her abuse. Her constant abuse. Every day, I would come home, after my 9 hour shift at the warehouse with a broken AC, to her yelling at me for something I forgot either the night before or the morning of. Something that could easily be dealt with either while I was gone or when I came home. Something that didn’t require being baggered about 5 seconds after walking in the door.

The truth I later found out is that she couldn’t stand me. She chose to marry me, but turned to despise me the very next day after our wedding. I became a nuisance to her. I interrupted her lifestyle by simply being in her presence. I bothered her every time I opened up my mouth to talk to her. She couldn’t stand to be with me, outside of our bedroom time. That was the only time we shined. That was the only time we felt as one. That was the only way that we connected. Outside of that, we were nothing. Nothing but glorified roommates for the first few months of our marriage. And then she decided she had enough.

Looking back, I saw the signs, but I was too delirious on what was really happening. I thought we were in love. I thought we were meant to be. I thought this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought this was going to be the mother of my long-awaited children. I thought this was it. We even talked about being soulmates and how the universe brought us together for a reason. I thought she felt the same. I thought wrong.

I stood there, by the curb, with what was left of everything I owned. I was in disbelief. I found myself without a home, and there was nothing I could do. I could only stand there until I fell to my knees in tears. I curled up on the ground, grabbing my black and white blanket that had kept us warm at night. I cried until I fell asleep on the cold, hard surface, lying next to what was left of my life.

The next morning, I had a friend who heard the news come by and offer me to stay at their place for as long as I needed. I gathered all of my stuff in their truck and headed only a few miles away. They got me set up in their empty rental room and told me there was no need for me to pay rent. I thanked them as best as I could and dragged myself onto the bed. I was too exhausted for anything else. It took every bit of me to follow my friend to his place. He told me later that the light was gone from my eyes, like I had a blank stare; like a zombie state.

Woke up the next morning, and I remember I had a dream. I had a dream that I was watching the sunrise from a mountain view. Bright colors scattered across patterned clouds, stretching as far as the eye could see. For a moment, I thought that I had died, because I thought I was experiencing heaven. I couldn’t remember anything else, just the vivid artistry that was the various light particles dancing motionless above me.

My friend was already awake and knocked quietly at the door, to see if I was awake. He and his wife had breakfast ready. I staggered down the steps, still in a trance of the last 36 hours. It felt like I had jumped from one life to another in an instant without any transition. Like stopping in the middle of one movie, picking a different movie at random, and putting that in mid movie instead. I felt like I was living someone else’s life and that this was just a reprieve from my old life. It was like at any time, this part would be interrupted to go back to my normal life. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I knew, the moment I saw all of my things on that road, there was no turning back. She had murdered my life, and I came home to the corpse.

During breakfast, little was said, other than the “I’m so sorry” and “What can we do?” and the “Any idea on what you’re going to do next?”. After such questions, they realized quickly that talking wasn’t the most productive thing, so they proceeded to talk among each other, whether it was about their ideas about my situation or just their plans for the day. I sat and listened, but mainly paid attention to my food, which I knew I had an appetite, but only could manage a few bites at a time. My mind had shut down so much that I had to consciously tell my hand to move, to pick up the fork, to move the food to my mouth, and to chew multiple times and then to swallow. After a few moments, that alone became too mentally exhausting, and so I paused and stared at what was left on the plate, looking at it like it was some sort of calculus problem on a high-stakes exam.

After spending a day of getting my wits together, along with moving in all of my stuff to my very temporary home, I went around to find different places that I could go. My friends told me I could stay as long as I needed, but I knew the longer I stayed there, the less they would be able to make on the rental room. I visited several places, but one place in particular stood out to me. When I went to do the tour, it already felt familiar, like I’d been here before, even though I never had. They opened the door to the apartment, and I had a rush of a sense that this was home. I knew this was home, even before I stepped foot in it. This was it.

I quickly applied for the apartment. I told them that I was very interested, but they would have to get back to me on the background check and application process. They told me it could take up to 5 business days to hear back. I was worried, because I did not have much time, and I was running low on money, since I quit my job at the warehouse after she left. I couldn’t stand to work at the warehouse for one more minute.

Working at a warehouse, for me, is like putting an eagle in a cage. I was born to fly, but the warehouse clipped my wings. I was a bad fit from the start. I was constantly harassed and even bullied; not for bad performance or even being mean to coworkers, but genuinely not being designed to work in a warehouse. I needed to see the outside. I needed to interact with people. I needed something meaningful other than putting random items in a box. I was an art teacher. I helped inspire kids to find their own artistic voice. I was making a difference. And they loved me for it. And yet, I was stuck at the warehouse. What started as a summer job to make supplemental income turned into a full time job after she discovered that the pay at the warehouse was better than the pay I was getting as a substitute teacher. That was enough for her to insist that I keep the warehouse job, even though I told her that I didn’t want to. That was the first time she threatened divorce; she said that if I were to leave the warehouse job for the teacher job, then she’d leave me, so I stayed at the warehouse job. If only I knew she was going to leave me anyway.

After a week and a half from the event, I got a call from the apartment complex saying that I had been accepted to take the apartment and that I can move in right away. Tears came to my eyes before I could even end the conversation. All I could say was thank you and that I’ll be there as soon as I can to move it. I ended the conversation and had full tears of joy. My friend had not yet come home, so I decided to take a shower and get everything packed and ready to make the announcement. I knew he would help me move in as soon as he could.

I told him the news as soon as he walked in, and he was so overjoyed that he gave me one of those hugs that lifts you up from the ground. We packed in the little stuff that I had, along with the mattress that he let me have, and drove half an hour to the apartment complex. Once he looked around, he saw how amazing it was. In the middle of the woods, trees surrounded it at every window, and it even had a sun room facing directly towards the sun. I had a subdued joy about me, not that I wasn’t happy about the apartment anymore, but still in full doubt that this was my current life. I was facing a new life, fresh. Like I had just been transplanted into a dream and convinced that it was reality.

My heart had a hard time moving on. I was still hoping to get that phone call or text with her name on it, with her admitting what she did was a mistake. I was waiting for that moment when everything would go back to the way things were, and that she had turned from her ways, and that all would be back well again. I wanted this to happen before I was in too deep with this new life that I was trying to start up. I knew the longer I went in chasing after this new life, the harder it would be to leave that to go back to her. Even though my heart was holding on to whatever sliver of a chance that this could all be undone, my mind, out of survival, knew I had to move on with a new life.

The next morning, after my first night at the apartment, I got a call from a job that I just interviewed two days ago. They were offering me a position as a part-time substitute art teacher downtown. They mentioned that while this was part time, there was a good chance this could lead to a full-time position in the near future. I was overly grateful with them as well, but instead of pouring into tears, I sat on my chair that was just set up the night before, and took a deep breath in and out from relief. I had done it. I had started a new life. That was the last step. All I had to do now was maintain it.

Weeks and months went by. The art teacher position turned into full time. I was able to save enough money to finish paying off the debt that she created when we were together (and started a new bank account). It was around 3 months into the full time position that I met someone at work. We began hanging out, starting off at coffee shops, then evolving to bars. We started to spend the night with each other, but not to sleep with each other, but because we would stay so late at each other’s place, talking and conversing. We never got sick of each other. She never asked, demanded, or forced anything on me, but always offered, appreciated, and even complimented me.

The more I spent with her, the less I thought of my ex who had abandoned me. The more I spent with this other woman, the more I learned that my ex never loved me. She only used me, whether I was aware of it or not. But it became clear to me that she didn’t love me. She never did. What I was experiencing with this new woman was love. She cared about me. She cared about how I felt. She cared about what I was doing from day to day, just to make conversation. She cared about my stories, my background, and even my tragedy, and I did the same with her. We were equals. We felt like equals, and we treated each other like equals. I never had that feeling before her. I didn’t even know that feeling was even possible.

One day, she called me out of the blue and asked me to go on a little road trip with her. I obliged. She came to pick me up, and we drove and drove, all the time curious on where she was taking me. She smiled, but kept her mouth closed so as to not ruin the surprise. I was so engrossed with our conversation that I didn’t realize 3 hours had passed and we were on top of a mountain. Nonchalantly, she pulled over to an overlook area on the mountain. We could see for miles. The sun was directly in front of us, just above the horizon. A spattering of clouds weaved through the sparkle of colors glittering in a flowing canopy. It was the moment from my dream. It was then that I knew something special was happening with this person.

We ended up dating for a long time, and once I got the notice that a dissolution of marriage was granted, we got engaged later that very week. We got married in the backyard of my friend’s house; the very friend who granted me shelter. His wife conducted the ceremony.

At the end of the reception, when most of the guests had already departed, my friend came up to me and handed me a notebook. He asked me to turn to the first page. I looked, and scribbled on it was these words:

We were made to be.

We were made to be whole.

But there was a darkness in you.

That broke us

And separated us

Until we were no more

Except for shadows of what once was

Never to be again.

I looked at him in shock.

“Where did you find this?” I asked.

“I found it right after you moved out.” He responded.

I flipped through the pages. Nothing else was written in it.

“I didn’t want to give this to you until I saw it again.” He said.

“Saw what?”

“The light in your eyes.”