Moon Over Miami

Moon Over Miami

“Honestly, Officer. I didn't intentionally moon all the residents on Miami Street. It was an unfortunate accident. A comedy of errors, actually, you might say. An innocent incident spinning out of control. I apologize if I traumatized any unsuspecting bystanders. I simply couldn't help it. My hands were tied, er, maybe my feet were tied. Anyway, I was tangled up, you see. I can't believe you want to arrest me for... what was it again? Indecent exposure? I may be somewhat out of shape but 'indecent'? My recent weight loss may have even contributed to the problem. Still most of my bottom stayed covered. By at least as much as a young woman my age would wear to a beach. Have you seen some of those thongs? Highly indecent! Imagine those strings rubbing and getting stuck in unforgiving creases. Makes me squirm thinking about how uncomfortable that must be!

“Sorry... How many people did you say made a complaint? Only one? Bet it was old Ms. Crabtree, right? She kind of keeps to herself, concealed behind curtains, but knows everyone's comings and goings. If anyone should be fined it would be her for bombarding the neighborhood with those darn crab apples. This time of year they fall off her crab apple tree covering sidewalks making walking impossible without twisting an ankle. Why, might say those rotting little apples started this whole fiasco. Well, first maybe it was the gust of unexpected wind whipping away my stack of music sheets.

“You see, music is my lifeblood as a wedding singer. I couldn't let it blow all over lawns getting wet and soggy. I needed to chase it down because rain was starting. Or was it sleet? Who could have guessed sheets of ice would be falling at dusk when it was such a beautiful sunshiny day earlier?

“It was so lovely I decided to take public transportation to my practice session. Street parking in our neighborhood is so iffy I hate to give up a good spot because it won't be there when I return. Wish we could get some assigned parking to alleviate the problem. Oh, sorry. You're not interested in all the details. But you do want the facts, right?

“Anyway, I wasn't prepared for such a sudden change in the weather. Yes, I should know November winds can blow early. A whole song was created on the phenomenon. Not really a wedding song but I'm aware of the disastrous effects. Yes, yes. I'm trying to get on with my excuse, er, a, reasoning.

“So there I am chasing down...

“You're sure this isn't about what happened at the toy department this afternoon? No one filed a complaint about the unfortunate incident there? Okay. Oh, really, no? Then forget I said anything if no one cared. If someone comes looking for Georgiana, you never saw me, got it?

“No, no. It really wasn't anything serious. No one was seriously injured, at least. Maybe some wounded pride and dampening of Christmas spirit but he'll get over it. Eventually. I hope. He was extremely nice about it. And, I might add, he was... is, extremely good looking. Like Robert Redford, the young Robert Redford, handsomeness as my mother would claim. His face got kind of weather beaten out on his ranch in his older years, may he rest in peace. Mother was always right especially where gentlemen are concerned. She's gone now but left me with a nice house, and a crabby neighbor. Oops, off subject, again.

“So there I am chasing... I've forgotten what was I chasing?

“Correct! Sheets of music in sheets of sleet. I wasn't dressed for icy weather, you understand, no boots. And those darn crab apples were all under foot.

“By the way, Ms. Crabtree happens to be the reason I went to the toy store in the first place. I don't have any kids in the family. She doesn't either but we both like to give to those charity toy drives for the needy children. She doesn't get out much. Did I mention she's old? Probably at least fifty-five. Could maybe qualify for one of those nice resort style 55-plus places. But no, she gets joy bombing the neighborhood with crab-apples. Well, she asked if I would mind getting something when I went out. I like to get my shopping done before the crowds get grabby, don't you? However, grabby crowds were out already. Soon as Halloween decorations come down Christmas is up and fair game on display.

“Then again, if I hadn't been there today, I would never have met dreamy RR, i.e. Robert Redford. I honestly don't know his name yet. But if he does come to file a complaint... Do you guys patrol over on Montana Boulevard. Maybe he went to a different precinct?

“You're not going to believe this but he said he also sings at weddings. Kind of like we are meant for each other. He probably does the fancy kind, singing with live bands at receptions, whereas I get most of my gigs on the spot at Justices of the Peace. Sure. It's true. Really is amazing couples will eagerly tip someone to sing at their civil service. Makes them feel it's more like a church ceremony. Especially makes the bride happy.

“Am I gonna have to pay a fine for this or spend a night in the pokey or what? It'll take a lot more afternoons waiting for couples getting married to pay a hefty fine. Luckily plenty like to tie the knot along with all the festivities this time of year. It's the happiest season of the year, after all. My favorite even though I stay extra busy during the holidays. The reason I was practicing over at the church, of course.

“Okay, okay! Where was I? Did I mention the wardrobe catastrophe during the toy department ruckus? Awkward! Let's state for the record my slacks didn't stand a chance. I needed one hand on the waistline at all times afterwards.

“Only my last name is 'Grace', not my first, therefore, jumping off the bus into sudden sheets of sleet; gripping my pants at the waistband and my music; running in slippery shoes on wet pavement; trying to cross minefields of rotting crab apples without twisting an ankle; avoiding tripping over old man Saunders' hyper Jack Russell dragging his leash I forgot to mention; an unexpected wind whipped hair in my eyes spinning me around; tangling my legs in the leash causing both arms to fly out trying break my fall; I find myself in a downward dog yoga position with my slacks around my ankles mooning Miami Street. Whew! Don't ask me to repeat.

"Um, wonder why Saunders didn't complain?

“Anyway, sorry, Ms. Crabtree. I'm as sick as a dog over it but I believe your gift got crushed somehow. Book me now, Officers. Put me out of my misery.

“Truly? No fingerprints, no hours of paper work; no fines; no jail time with drunks and prostitutes? You want me out of here enjoying the season finding out how meaningful life can be? Wow! It really is a wonderful life! Know any Robert Redford look-alike wedding singers?