I Didn't Mean to Become Head of Operations

I didn’t mean to get involved with the world's biggest villain corporation. It just happened, the way things usually do. One small, avoidable mistake followed by several much worse ones.

In my case, it started with holding the door open.

I entered the bank with my head hung low, a jacket thrown over my scrubs. I'd just lost my job as a barista for panicking during rush hour and accidentally spilling hot coffee down the shirt of a senior citizen.

He told me it was fine. I still quit.

I didn’t want to be a doctor. But my mom kept telling me I was so smart, I had so much potential, I could save the world one day, and–

That brought me to the bank. The bank, filled with screaming citizens and a band of supervillains. I froze with my foot in the door, my jaw hanging.

“Just put the money in the bag!”

“We keep the money in the vault,” the desk lady sobbed.

“Jesus, Henry, this isn’t a gas station,” another robber rolled her eyes.

I watched as Henry rushed over to a vault, his hands extending toward the metal. Instantly, the metal glowed beneath his fingers and melted away, like a paper held over flame.

I stepped forward, bumping into a woman. She tripped over my feet. Her phone scattered across the floor.

911, what’s your emergency?

A woman with tentacles for hair caught it the same time that I did. Her eyes trailed across the floor, up my legs, and bore into my face with glowing black sockets.

“Damn it,” she hissed. “The pigs are loose.”

I muttered an apology and reached down to help the woman– but I was stopped.

My breath painfully hitched in my throat. The villain's hair was alive, her tentacles squelching and nipping at my face. I could only focus on staying completely still.

“The name’s Alyssa,” she waved. “Do you mind just standing right there? Perfect. Don’t move. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.”

One of her tentacles patted my cheek. I chose not to react.

“Um,” I stammered. “Oliver.”

“Oliver! Lovely name.” Henry emerged from the vault, heaving duffel bags stuffed with cash. “Do you mind?”

I blinked for several seconds. Just to be sure I was understanding the situation– which I was, unfortunately.

Okay. Just say no. Just say no. Just–

“Yeah. I can hold the bag for you.”

…Why did I say that?

There was a pause.

“...Thank you so much,” Henry beamed.

I nodded. Like that was a normal thing to thank someone for.

I barely had time to register the amount of cash in my hands before Alyssa directed everyone outside, each of them patting me on the shoulder. Sirens filled the streets, blue and red lighting up the villains’ black suits.

“Turn around and put your hands in the air!” An officer shouted.

I slowly realized they were speaking to me, the only one without supernatural power blazing from my hands. I trembled and slowly turned to accept my fate–

“Oop! Put this on, silly!”

The world faded to black as Alyssa pulled a mask over my head.

Henry grabbed my hand.

“Let’s get out of here!” Someone else shouted.

And then I was dragged through the streets, pulled against brick buildings and heaved onto rooftops.

I walked away with enough money to cover my rent for an entire year.

Which, in my defense, made it very hard to say no the next time.

________________________________________________________________________________

The next time they found me, I was eating a sandwich.

I sat on the same bench every day, which was my mistake. Patterns make it easier for villains. I had just peeled back the bread to inspect the jelly distribution–

“Psst. Oliver.”

– the sandwich dropped from my hands, immediately claimed by an opportunistic pigeon.

I shot up from the bench, heart leaping from my throat, before the stranger– Henry– grabbed my wrist and yanked me back down.

“Shh! Don’t scream. I need your help.”

My heart hammered so violently I was sure it was a medical emergency.

“...I have class,” I managed.

“C’mon. You’re too smart for college.”

That was not only incorrect, but deeply unhelpful.

“I-I really can’t.”

Henry grabbed my hand again.

“Guh–”

That was how I rode across the city on Henry’s back, launched from rooftop to rooftop like this was normal. A man dropped his coffee. A bird flew directly into my shoulder.

The wind tore against my face, and for a brief, deeply concerning moment, it almost felt… good.

Then Henry set me down, and I vomited all over my shoes.

“Okay!” Henry clapped his hands, entirely unfazed. “I need you to be my eyes from the sky.”

I wiped my mouth with the back of my sleeve, blinking through the dizziness.

“My what.”

“Lookout,” he clarified. “Just tell me if you see cops.”

I turned toward the edge of the building. Sirens wailed somewhere in the distance. People moved like ants below.

This was a bad idea. This was a terrible idea. This was a felony.

“I really shouldn’t—”

Henry beamed at me.

And didn’t it just light up the whole rooftop?

“…Okay.”

So Henry broke into a business that I am obligated to not name, and I lugged a comically large pair of binoculars that made me look like a deeply unqualified lighthouse operator. He insisted they were necessary.

He weaved in and out of doors like jelly, tipping his hat at employees and grabbing a donut on the way to the boss’s office. I couldn’t crane my neck that high, so I focused on the streets below.

He could probably hear my pulse over the radio piece.

“...There’s a police car.” I squinted. No sirens yet.

“How many?”

“One.”

I heard a scream erupt in my ear.

Henry only sighed.

“That’s fine.”

What did you do? I wanted to yell. More cars arrived at the scene, no longer hiding their lights.

“...Um.”

“How many?”

“Honestly? A lot.”

“Alrighty. Put your mask on, partner.”

The word partner settled on my skin like fire. Still, I did as he said.

I can never do this again. This has to be the last time.

Henry blasted from the top floor, diving toward me. My mouth tore open into a scream–

–and he threw me over his shoulder.

I didn’t stop screaming until he set me back down on the bench.

I still had time to make it to class.

________________________________________________________________________________

I walked around the city differently after that. No headphones. No distractions. Anybody could be one of them.

I stopped in front of a mattress store. The windows were decorated beautifully, and life bustled inside. I have been meaning to buy a new mattress. I had plenty of money now.

The door opened before I could even reach my hand out. Someone’s face peered into mine, close enough for me to smell their breath. Mint.

“Oh, Oliver!” She smiled.

She grabbed my arm. Her fingers resembled purple talons. Feathers poked out from her blazer.

“You’re just in time.”

A mattress store.

Seriously?

I didn’t have time to voice my concerns before she was pushing me toward an elevator. Odd people in suits waved at me like I was a celebrity. I almost passed out.

An invisible employee checked my kidnapper’s ID at the elevator doors. I patted my pockets, too confused to question it, but the man only laughed. Glasses shook slightly on a face that wasn’t there.

“You already have clearance, Oliver.” Something patted me on the shoulder. His hand, I assumed. “Have a good day.”

“Oh!” The girl’s feather fluttered as the elevator doors shut. “I’m Trisha, by the way.”

“...Oliver.”

“Oh, I know.” She laughed like I told a joke.

I squeezed my clammy hands into fists and stared straight ahead. We seemed to be ascending for eternity before we stepped out into an office-like setting. Glass doors separated rooms, each lined with long tables. Trisha pulled me beside a water fountain and looked me up and down.

“Hmm…” she hummed contemplatively. “This could almost be business casual… if we just adjusted your collar and…”

I looked to the side.

My stomach dropped to the floor.

My face, plastered on the wall with a grin that couldn’t possibly be mine–

Oliver Rhodes. Employee of the Month.

I didn’t remember smiling at all.

“Here, have some water.” Trisha thrust a paper cup into my hands. “You’re sweating.”

Well, of course I was sweating. I was trapped in a fever dream.

“Wuh– What exactly am I doing here…?” I trembled.

“It’s starting!” Trisha hissed through clenched teeth. She ironed her suit with her claws and brushed a strand of hair behind my ears.

Then I was thrust into a room filled with very important looking people, looking like a peasant picked off the street.

Which I was.

I recognized some of the villains in the room. They all sat at the table with their hands folded. Someone’s muscles were so big that they ripped through the suit, veins bulging. How did he even fit in the chair?

“So nice of you to meet us here,” my partner grinned at the board of villains. “We have prepared this quarter’s crime efficiency presentation.”

They all waited patiently as Trisha turned on the projector. Thrusted a stick at me.

Someone at the end of the table, CEO written on their badge, waved.

I nearly choked on my spit and covered it up as a cough.

I waved back.

“We’ve identified several areas for improvement in hostage management,” Trisha said. “Namely: morale, efficiency, and fewer unnecessary emotional attachments.”

Then she blinked at me. For quite a long time.

…Oh.

Right.

I pointed at a random number on the screen, and she continued like someone had only pressed pause on the remote.

By the time the meeting had concluded, I had shaken every hand in the room while trying to hide my damp shirt. I wrung sweat out of my sleeves and dizzily exited the office.

My face stared right back at me. On the wall for everyone to see.

“Wow!” Trisha’s voice rang brightly from behind me. “Henry was right! You’re amazing. Do you mind helping me with another presentation? Same place, same time, next Saturday.”

Please say no. Please say no.

“...Okay.”

Trisha ruffled my hair and escorted me back down.

Later that evening, I looked at my checking account.

I’d been receiving a paycheck from MATTRESSES FOR MATERNITY CO for at least two months.

I made a note to ask about that.

I never did.

________________________________________________________________________________

Trying to quit was hard enough.

The hostage made it so much worse.

My first semester of med school had concluded, and I had more summer job opportunities than I knew how to count. But, of course, it wasn’t that easy. Nothing ever was.

I threw up exactly five times before making it to the CEO’s office, kneeling over a different potted plant every time. I knew what disappointment looked like. Too well.

I wasn’t ready to see it on Mr. Villain’s face, especially after all we’d been through.

I wiped my mouth and gargled with some water before entering the penthouse. It was easy, considering my ID had access to every room in the building.

But what wasn’t easy? Dodging a tentacle strike from Alyssa. I slammed the door and fell into the wall, narrowly avoiding her poisonous tendrils.

“Hey!” Henry shouted accusingly. “You almost killed Oliver.”

“I am so sorry!” Alyssa squealed. “I was aiming for Mayor Buford.”

I didn’t even blink.

The office’s desk was turned upside down. The chair had busted through the glass window. Dirt and plants were scattered across the floor like obstacles, and everyone’s hands were raised in self defense.

Mayor Buford, shiny blonde hair and blazing suit, struggled against Alyssa’s tentacles. Somehow, he’d wiggled free, and kept himself safe with a thick wall of fire. Our eyes met from across the room.

“You,” he growled, like I was the one threatening him.

“...Hi,” I said.

I stepped around the torn carpet and Trisha’s family of crows. Mr. Villain stood patiently where his chair had once been, watching me approach with eager eyes.

“Oliver!” he exclaimed. “You got here just in time! You have to talk some sense into your team.”

“Uh, I actually came here to resign–”

“Not now, Oliver!” Henry interrupted. “We thought you could help us, Mr. Villain! What are we supposed to do with him?”

“Oh, is that all you need?” Mr. Villain mocked. “You just need my help KIDNAPPING THE DAMN MAYOR?”

“Oliver brought a hostage in here last week,” Alyssa crossed her arms.

“Oliver safely deescalated the issue and kept the national guard off our property,” Mr. Villain rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I told you three to stay away from the Mayor! He keeps the city in order. Oh god, our mattress profits…”

“That’s right!” Mayor Buford spat. “I’ve kept your company safe for too long. You have until midnight to evacuate the building before I blow it to pieces!”

“Okay,” I muttered weakly. “I’m sorry to bother you at a time like this. It’s just that I’ve been offered a job at–”

“The city will NOT be terrorized by… by MATTRESS-RELATED CRIME!” Mayor Buford continued.

“Maternity Mattresses. Sir.” I coughed.

Everyone stared at me. I ignored the flush climbing my face and turned back to Mr. Villain.

“This is really important,” I pleaded. “If I could just borrow a moment of your time–”

“Buford, I have kept your secrets for decades!” Villain roared.

“I don’t see what that has to do with this!” The mayor roared. “I was taken from my own damn house! This is an invasion of our contract, and… A MATTRESS CRIME!”

“Maternity mattress crime,” we all groaned in unison.

His fire climbed higher. The ceiling began to warp and drip plastic.

“Who supplies all of your bodyguards? Who made a custom bed for your pregnant wife back in ‘09?”

“Oh, you are always holding the past above my head!”

Trisha’s crows lined up, their beaks ready for attack. Henry’s hands lit up with unfathomable heat. Alyssa’s tentacles prepared to cross the barrier of fire.

I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

I couldn't let them down.

They weren’t bad people. They just had a deranged relationship with mattresses and a criminal record. I could help them. One last time.

I stepped forward.

“Okay,” I put my hands on my hips. “That is enough fighting. We are going to talk through this like adults.”

“We are?” Mr. Villain tilted his head.

Mayor Buford said nothing. But I had the podium.

“What if instead of threatening each other, we negotiated?” I asked.

They both went quiet.

My friends set their arms down, their powers settling.

“...Negotiated…” Henry said slowly.

“Yes. Like what you normally do with hostages.”

“But why not just make him disappear forever?” Alyssa asked innocently.

I sighed. “Because then our building goes down in flames, the mayor loses his office, and mothers don’t get mattresses.”

Mr. Villain wasn’t convinced. “What does he possibly have that I want? I have a pent house. A cool pen. A desk.”

“You had a desk,” I corrected. “It begins with asking each other.”

Mr. Villain and Mayor Buford stared each other down, waiting for the other to crack. It was like watching an awkward argument between parents.

I checked my watch. My interview started soon.

“...You don’t donate enough to my campaigns,” Buford suddenly pouted.

“I donate a sixteenth of our profits!” Mr. Villain cried in disbelief.

It was Henry’s turn to turn on our boss. “That’s clearly not enough. Considering all he does for this business.”

“Well, we took a huge loss because of you!” Mr. Villain exclaimed. “You sponsored PATERNITY MATTRESSES CO last year. Do you have any idea what that did to me?”

There was obviously some tension that’d been growing for a while. I stepped between them.

“Okay, so we can all agree that we’ve done bad things. Right?”

Everyone nodded solemnly.

“Mayor Buford, we are willing to let you go,” I continued, “under circumstances. Withdraw your PATERNITY MATTRESSES CO sponsorship.”

Mayor Buford grumbled something I wasn’t meant to hear.

“And Mr. Villain,” I continued. “Mayor Buford needs your help. It’d be amazing if you could extend your donation amount.”

He rubbed his chin in thought. Then with a silent conversation with Alyssa, they all dropped their weapons. Mayor Buford sighed in relief and his fire sizzled out. The room erupted into light chatter and begrudging handshakes.

My shoulders dropped all of their tension. Freedom was so close that I could reach out and touch it. After nine months of spontaneous missions and late school nights, I could go back to doing what I do best.

Living paycheck to paycheck.

I cleared my throat. My eyes burned.

“Mr. Villain,” I began again. “I have to talk to you.”

“Oliver!” Henry shouted. His arms wrapped around my shoulders. “You are brilliant!”

“I never considered letting a hostage go,” Alyssa nodded. “Thank you for opening my eyes.”

“I can make a sick presentation out of this,” Trisha grinned.

I swallowed.

Looked up.

I’d never seen Mr. Villain smile so brightly. He put a hand on my shoulder and shook me lightly.

“Oliver Rhodes,” he whispered reverently. “We’ve never had an employee quite like you. How’d you like a promotion?”

Everything in my body was screaming at me to say no.

My parents whispered from somewhere deep in my mind—

telling me that I needed to be a doctor–

that I had potential–

that I was smart.

I knew better than this.

I opened my mouth.

This was it.

The moment where I fixed everything.

Where I walked away.

Where I chose my future.

“…Okay.”

Mr. Villain beamed. Henry cheered. Alyssa clapped. Trisha was already opening her laptop.

And that was how I became Head of Operations.

I didn’t mean for it to happen.

It just kind of did.