The Heart Always Knows

The Heart Always Knows

My best friend Lorelei and I are both writers, for me lifestyle features for a city magazine, for her freelance stories for many outlets. We always have so much to talk about, but for this get-together at Katie’s Corner Pub I have something entirely different to tell her.

“Well I got some news today, actually in the form of an invitation,” I say as we slide into our usual booth. “My little friend Tanya back home in California has just gotten married. She’s you may recall the sister of my high school sweetheart Bradley that I left behind to move here.

“It was just a small ceremony at the courthouse so they’re going to have a combination belated reception and New Year’s Day brunch. It will take place at the family's house, which is easily big enough for the party.”

“Do you think you’ll go? Would it be awkward?”

“That is a very good question. In fact two very good questions. I really would like to be there for her. Even though I’m just a few years older, back then she kind of looked upon me as the mother she didn’t have anymore. And of course we’ve stayed in touch since then.”

“And that awkward part Maris?”

“Well, don't know what kind of reception to expect 14 years later. Of course thanks to Tanya I know that like me Bradley is divorced now. She said her brother thought about moving out of town afterward but didn’t really want to leave the family bakery business.

"Tanya's their marketing director now. Actually during junior and senior years I worked there on weekends. Anyway the decision to stay became easier when his ex left instead.”

“What do you think it’d be like to see him again?”

I was serendipitously given time to think about that with the arrival of our favorite waitress Maxine, pad in hand, pencil poised. “And what may I bring you lovely ladies?” She gave us some moments and then, “If you like lasagna, let me tell you the one we have on our specials today is just divine.” “Sold!” I say, Lorelei adding, “Same and don’t spare the garlic bread, no dates tonight.”

Maxine grinning, “Guessing that will be red wine then?” She didn’t even need the answer.

She had no more than left when there’s a knock on the window – one of the reasons we loved this booth was watching the passing parade and in this small New England town, and often there’d be someone you knew who would then come in to visit. In this case it’s JoCarol and soon she’s standing at our table.

“Thought you’d like to know, I just ran into Rory at the gas station. Said he was here just for the day for a meeting with a client he still represents. Said to say hello if I saw you.” “OK thanks, I’ll consider myself hello-ed.” “Gotta run,” she says, “picking up take-out and then trying to get home enough ahead of the family to make it look like it all came from my own two little hands.” Chuckles all around, and she’s off.

“Yikes,” Lorelei says, “first the old boyfriend, now the ex. Looks like your day for old loves getting into your head. So, I know firsthand about Rory. But as for Bradley, very little. Care to fill in some blanks?”

“So, Bradley Donovan and I met in freshman English class. He and Tanya and their dad, Matt, had just moved to town before school began that fall. Their mom had passed away a year prior and they wanted a new start in a new place.

“They’d had a bakery in the Midwest and found one for sale in our town. When Bradley and I began hanging out, I got to know the rest of the family and soon developed a kind of motherly affection for Tanya, just six at the time. And my mom and dad then also became friends with the Donovans.”

“What was the dad like?”

“A kind man, great with the kids, ruggedly handsome, quick of mind, a way of saying things that were so funny and just perfect for the moment. And with a crinkly smile and twinkly eyes, as my parents would say.

“Through Tanya I know he’s never re-married, probably because he was so devoted to his wife. They had a bit of a shotgun wedding at age 16. He didn’t hesitate to marry her, quit school, and go to work in his father’s bakery, meanwhile insisting that she be the one to finish school. They had a loving marriage until cancer took her away.

“I think I’m looking forward to seeing him as much as Bradley, and Tanya too. The whole family is quite special to me.

“Anyway, our good times came to a rather abrupt end late in my senior year when my dad was offered the great opportunity to fill a vacancy as department head at the private college here. Bradley and I had both planned on enrolling at the local community college so our parting was less traumatic given that I would soon be back in California.

“But that’s not how it turned out. It became apparent that staying here with tuition and book perks, free housing, and the transportation costs between my old and new homes, it just made more sense for me to attend dad’s college, with the bonus of the beautiful campus and first rate instructors.

“So we had to settle for a long distance relationship. Something always seemed to get in the way of going back for a visit. Gradually though I began to realize it was actually the Donovans as a whole I missed rather than specifically Bradley. Eventually I had to send the email letting him know I’d become engaged.”

“That was Rory?”

“Yes, Rory. Bradley replied with a brief Best Wishes. Meanwhile since I remained in touch with Tanya I was kept up to date on his milestones, marriage, birth of two children, divorce, custody of the kids.”

“Do you think you could pick up where you left off?”

“Well I have wondered more than once if I made the wrong choice, if I should have worked harder to maintain the relationship even from afar. I mean Bradley really was a very nice guy.”

“A nice guy Maris? Well that does set up a contrast with Rory, doesn’t it.”

“Yeah . . . yeah.”

* * *

On the drive home, unbidden, Rory does creep into my head. He was every woman’s dream. Seemingly. Tall, muscular, tousely blond hair, turquoise eyes that had the power to make your heart all but beat right out of your chest.

And especially dear to my heart, a true animal lover. I found that out when I first encountered him because it was at a fundraiser for the shelter where I volunteered on Saturdays. And when I saw him sign sheet after sheet for the silent auction, I knew this was someone I wanted to meet. Turned out he could well afford those commitments when I later learned he was a partner in a top law firm.

After I had made my own pledges, I stood at one of the cocktails tables with a glass of wine and plate of hors d’oeuvres. When he started heading my way with his own glass and plate I smiled and sure enough he joined me. Conversation came easy with the topic of animals being an automatic opening subject. We left with a dinner date for the coming Saturday evening. I think I walked on air to my car.

Within days of our date we were a couple. Looking back I realized the first red flag actually appeared on our third date, but clearly I’d let it fly right over my head. Since he’d twice taken me out for dinner, I’d invited him for dinner at my home.

"Along with steaks and Caesar salad I'd made my never-fail, crowd pleasing, totally delectable, creamy cheesy potato casserole. Midway into the meal I couldn’t bear it any longer and asked “Do you like the potatoes?” “Yeah, they’re OK,” he’d replied. I was crestfallen, but let it pass.

That was page one of a whole book filled with similar incidents throughout our 10 years of marriage. It’s not that we didn’t get along because we did and had our share of good times together. But Rory seemed just incapable of giving of himself.

When I redecorated the family room, was promoted to head writer of my section at the magazine, when I won a blue ribbon for my floral display, and I know this sounds shallow, but even when I’d get really dressed up for an evening out, never a word of praise or encouragement from him. And it wasn’t even so much that I needed that cheerleading as it was disappointment in his apparent need to withhold it.

But it didn’t go really bad until the saying nothing turned into saying something and the something wasn’t good. Anything about me was quickly minimized, my balloon punctured.

In a rare moment, he may have signaled an awareness of his behavior. After a particularly brutal verbal attack there was, I thought at the time, a non sequitur about his super demanding father, and that whatever he did was never enough for good ol’ dad.

And now a question invades the memory - why didn’t I work harder to help him overcome that bad beginning. Work harder? Didn’t do it for Bradley. Didn’t do it for Rory. Was something wrong with me?

At home I call Lorelei. “I’m going, and this may be pie in the sky but I’d like to see if I can find some answers about Bradley, about me, maybe even about Rory.”

“Well best of luck, dear friend. And, ah, if there are any juicy details I can use them in my next story.”

“OK, I’ll do my best to help you out Lor,” and we both hang up laughing.

* * *

So here it is the day of New Year’s Eve and the commuter plane is touching down at our little hometown airport. In short order we’re in the terminal and Tanya is flying toward me at warp speed, then hugging my breath away.

I have only carry-on so we head straight for the car with Tanya talking a mile a minute about her new husband, his job, his hobbies, how for now they’d be living with Matt, the party. And then in the middle of the parking lot she stops dead. “Oh my God Maris, I’m so sorry, I’m babbling like our little brook. How are you? Was your flight OK? Are you OK?”

We both did our share of chattering all the way home. As we walk in, Matt comes barreling down the hall saying, “Well doggone you’ve done nothing but get prettier,” and with that he folds me into a big bear hug. Oh this feels so nice, and I’d really rather stay in this safe embrace than go face Bradley.

But, holding me at arm’s length, “Now go on out to the back patio and say hi to Bradley. He’s mixing up some margaritas.” Here we go . . .

His back is to me as I head outside. When he turns and sees me, a smile lights his face. “Bradley, I, I .. .” “Oh no, I know that face, whatever you were about to say, don’t. How about instead giving me a hug.” Releasing me, “It’s all OK. We’d gone to different places, and I don’t mean just geographically. Yeah we had good times together, but in the long run guess we just weren’t right for each other.”

And I can’t help thinking, am I the only one wondering if we could be now? No responses pop up for either question. But meanwhile I do have to agree about those good times.

Tanya’s Robbie joins us and I take an instant liking to this fine young man, relieved that this is who Tanya has chosen. Even early as it is in the game, they surely do seem right for each other.

With the margarita glow, dinner from the backyard grill, and lively conversation, we’re a happy and contented bunch, ready to settle in and enjoy east coast fireworks displays on the large screen patio tv. Afterward we say our goodnights, skipping the local New Year’s Eve displays because we have a big day tomorrow and much to do in the morning.

No sleep for me though, at least not right away. Because three intriguing, maybe even life-changing, thoughts are swirling in my head.

The first is, I know in my heart of hearts that Bradley and I both sensed there is no future together. For extra confirmation, though Bradley stayed the night there is no tap on my door. Never did it then, won’t be doing it now.

Sorry Lorelei, no tales to tell there. But the good news is that we can move forward with just the happy memories.

For the second one, I actually have to thank Bradley for that simple concept of just not right for each other. Could that apply to Rory and me too?

"And in a flash I recall Lorelei saying about Rory, “I’m certainly not excusing him. But because of his dad, maybe it’s not surprising that he would hold back, turning to animals for unconditional love, trusting them way more than people.” So, really neither of us was equipped for this kind of relationship.

The third thought, aiyyyyy, maybe could explain why I was never able to give my heart fully to either Bradley, or Rory, or anyone I’ve dated since. But I‘m going to have to push that nagging suspicion far off to the back of my brain.

The next morning I ask if someone could take me to get ingredients for my potato casserole, inspiring immediate protests from Tanya that I don’t have to make anything. Bradley says he’s going to pick up his ex-sister-in-law Judy and his kids who spent the night with their auntie and could drop me at the store and pick me up on the return trip. We again have a nice chat, and even nicer one with everybody else on the way home.

The house is a-bustle all day with cooking, decorating, and pushing furniture around. The patio is also set up with a large table and chairs, and it strikes me how nice it is to spend winter days outdoors in mild California weather.

Guests start arriving just before noon, many friends and neighbors that I already know, and we all chat and sip mimosas. By 1p the oven, fridge and pantry have given up the goods and the kitchen counters are doing their best to hold up big platters of cheese omelets, crisp bacon, ham slices, English muffins, fruit preserves, and the Donovans’ own pastries, along with my casserole.

When we’re claiming seats, Matt beckons me and pats the chair next to him. “I’m so happy you’re here,” he tells me. We chat companionably much like old times, now though adult to adult, about so many things.

At one point though, he exclaims, “My God these are the best potatoes I’ve ever tasted. I wonder who made them.” I look at him and realize he really doesn’t know, so I point to myself. “You, you did? Marry me, girl!” We all laugh at our table, but I think I might be blushing a bit.

Afterward there are mountains of presents for the newlyweds to open, and many choruses of oohs and ahhs. Then, Matt, Bradley, Judy and I make short work of cleanup while Tanya and Robbie mingle.

By about five o’clock with the last of the guests gone, Bradley gives me a hug and heads home with the kids and Judy. Tanya and Robbie are busy disposing of wrappings and with Matt’s help loading up the car to take the gifts to their storage unit. I head out onto the porch swing, thinking how natural it feels to be here.

Meanwhile the sunset is delivering quite a show. I hear a voice say, “There you are,” and Matt takes a seat next to me. That third thought from last night is undeniably emerging.

We rock in comfortable silence, the western sky still aglow with brilliant coloring “You know Maris, I always thought of you as my second daughter. But I was shocked, even yelled at myself a little, for my reaction when I saw you come in the door and . . .”

Laying my hand on his, “And what Matt?” He turns toward me, eyes twinkly.

“Really? Really! You’d consider an oldie like me?”

“You’re not that much older.”

“Are you saying . . . “

“I’m saying, Matt, I’ve loved you all my life, and I'm thrilled it can be returned.”

He pulls me close, whispers in my ear, “Dearest Maris . . . it was those damn taters” And we giggle like a couple of kids.

This. This is what I've been waiting for, longing for. My heart is home at last.

* * *

Tanya can’t stop hugging me but does take a break to call Bradley. Reports he sputtered Wait! She’s going to be our stepmom! Wait! OK . . . that’s cool.

Too late back east to tell mom and dad. But Lorelei is likely awake, waiting for my call.

* * *

“Hey, girl . . . fire up that laptop!”

- end