Just a Girl

“It was the summer of 1981, June 23^rd, I remember the date, it was the first time I had ever seen my brother cry. I was 10, he was 14, and back then, 14-year-old boys didn’t cry. Nobody told me why he’d been crying, but I overheard my mom talking to him ‘quit crying’ she said, ‘this girl isn’t worth it.’ My mom had then come out of my brother’s room, I scurried away from the door pretending that I wasn’t listening. The look my mom gave me meant she knew I was.  I’m 53 now, and when I think of that day all I can say is, that must have been some girl.”

My nephew sighed, “Uncle Chris, I appreciate you trynna give the story some personality, but don’t you think we should like, explain what happened to you, and not your brother?” Yup that’s my nephew, Matthew, he’s a 19-year-old college student who showed up at my doorstep begging me to be a subject for the interview he needs for his film class. I laughed at the thought of it but after some consideration I gave in.

“Do you want me to do the interview or not?” His set up was in his mom’s garage, it stunk like paint fumes and mildew. I did not want to be there any longer than I had to. “Ok, ok, Continue.” Matthew said while turning the camera back towards me. I leaned back in my chair.

“1987, I had a friend, her name was Jenny. She was the prettiest girl on the cheer team. Dark brown eyes, big blonde hair, all the guys were after her, none did get as close to her as I did though. I’ve always been told I have a temper, and maybe I do, Jenny would come up to me every once in a while, and tug on the back of my mullet, she knew it got my blood boiling.” I took a pause, regathered my thoughts.

“She was my first love, Junior year I asked her out, can’t remember the date but I remember rushing home after school to call my brother. I still remember what he said to me. ‘As long as you don’t forget, she’s just a girl.’ I laughed and told him that she wasn’t just a girl, she was my girl. That week I had taken her to Olive Garden, I’d never gone but my friend Tommy said it was the perfect date spot. She loved it, everything was perfect.”

“Wait, was Olive Garden even around back then?” Matthew set the camera down, with a confused look on his face. “How old do you think I am?” The heat of the garage caused sweat to pull my glasses further down my nose. “Man, I don’t know, like 70?” I glared at him, pushing my glasses farther up my face. I told him he’d better shut his mouth before I shut it for him. He then put the camera back up to his face and started rolling again.

“Perfect. The rest of junior year was a blast, school was hard, but who cared about school when you had a hot girlfriend. We’d spend our nights staying up till 12, 2 and sometimes 4 in the morning just talking to each other, I had a part time job at a body shop, fixing cars, the only thing I ever learned from my dad. Had to pay my phone bill somehow. Before I knew it junior year was over, it was summer vacation. Summer vacation meant that all my time, energy, and money was put into my girl Jenny. The only problem was how fast it went by.”

“Could you go more in depth about what you and Jenny did that summer?” Matthew asked, still holding the camera to his face. “Oh, we did normal couple things, I had an old klunker of a truck that we would take up to town, we went to the movies, had dinner at various restaurants. We’d hang out with friends, my friend Jeremy had a big fire pit, we would always have bonfires out at his place. I was known as the designated fire starter; I was good with matches.”

I took another pause, I could feel the pressure build up in my eyes, that summer was hard to think about. The memories still haunt me to this day. The good memories. I resumed my story “Jenny liked to laugh, she was funny too, I could never let her know that though, she was the type of person to get a giant head just off one compliment.” I chuckled. “At the end of the summer, 3 days before school started, I heard two words that any 17-year-old boy in love never wanted to hear from his girlfriend. Two words that could grow hands and rip the heart from anyone’s chest. Two. Awful. Bloodthirsty words. ‘I’m moving’ she said to me. ‘I’m moving’.”

I could feel my face growing hot as I said those two words, my eyes throbbing as I choked back tears. I am a 53-year-old man. I could hear the words that my mom said to my brother ringing in my ears ‘quit crying’ I couldn’t say anything, I took a few breaths, all the memories flooding back like a tsunami drowning out anything logical in my brain.

I was able to calm myself down moments later. “She was moving, ‘And I think it would be best if we broke up’ she said, she might as well have taken a dagger and stabbed my chest. I felt physically week, I begged and pleaded, I told her we could keep in touch, that I would write her letters, talk on the phone every night. Nothing worked, she didn’t budge, that was it, we were over.”

I gulped, trying to get rid of the lump in my chest, Matthew could see I was struggling, he handed me a glass of water. After a sip or two I continued my story. “The next two years I tried and tried to forget her, I never dated anyone else, never loved anyone else, I had this permanent pit in my stomach that no matter what didn’t go away. Summer of 1990, I was graduated from high school, I didn’t bother going to college, I didn’t have any motivation, I didn’t have any passions to follow. I got a job at a convenience store after the body shop, I worked at got shut down due to bankruptcy.

I took a deep breath. “I was working 9-5 there, met a lot of people. October 3^rd, that day is a day that I will never forget. I was working as a cashier like usual, scanning groceries. I notice a woman, a woman my age, a woman with dark brown eyes, and big beautiful blonde hair. That woman was Jenny. I knew it was her, every bone in my body ached the second I saw her, every memory, every moment we shared all came flooding back to me. ‘Jenny!’ I shouted I ran over to her ’Jenny is that you?’ She was examining the eggs. She looked up from the eggs when she heard my shouting. ‘Jenny it’s me’ I was filled with hope that maybe she came back for me, maybe she’d missed me just as much as I had missed her. ‘I’m sorry… Have we met before?’

At this point in telling my story I could no longer hold back my tears; I continued the story as I tried keeping my breath steady. “My knees hit the floor. I couldn’t take the horror. I rushed out of that store as fast as I could. I ran and ran until I couldn’t run anymore. I ran to Jeremy’s house. ‘Jeremy!’ I shouted in front of his house, no one answered. Luckily, I knew where the spare key was hidden. I grabbed the key from under a big rock on their porch.”

This, this moment in the story I’m not proud of and never will be. I took a sip of water. “Take your time.” Matthew said calmly, he let me sit there for 5 minutes not saying a word. “No one had moved into Jenny’s house between the two years of it being vacant. I knew this because I would drive past it every day. I grabbed the matches and lighter fluid out of Jeremy’s kitchen and ran out of the house taking the keys for Jeremy’s pick up, and I drove. I drove to Jenny’s vacant house.”

I took another sip of water. “I didn’t care who saw me do it, I didn’t think of the consequences. You can’t think in situations like this. I opened the lighter fluid up and sprayed it on the door of her house, I sprayed it all over. I lit a match and threw it. I watched the house slowly catch fire. I didn’t think much, lighter fluid doesn’t set fire to houses as quickly as I anticipated. I sat there and watched it. The neighbors must have seen me. The next thing I know I’m being handcuffed and shoved in a cop car.”

“Do you wanna take a break Uncle Chris?” Matthew had a concerned look on his face. “I’m fine.” I said, and I continued. “12 years. I was sentenced to 12 years for intentional arson. Not my finest moment. My mom’s voice rang in my ears again ‘this girl isn’t worth it.’ Then came my brother’s ‘She’s just a girl.’ I learned a lot. I never loved again, I never touched another match, and I never will.”

“And cut!” Matthew had a sad look on his face, he turned off the camera, set it down, and gave me a hug. “I’m ok Matthew.” I said while embracing the hug. I’m forever a different person because of that. I never would have done the things I did if it weren’t for her. I may have changed for the better, or for the worse. All I know is that it took a while, but I’m happy, I’m not in love, I’m not rich, I’m not famous, but I’m happy. It took a while, but I realized. She’s just a girl.