My Jesse Ley

Summer was over, and so were we. I should have known I was just another passing fling. I had vowed to never love you again. I should have stayed true to my word and been so cold that you would have left me alone, but I fell once more for those golden eyes and boyish grin. I thought that I was different, that the history and chemistry between us would make us last forever. I should have known this wasn’t school, that a flawless equation wouldn’t get me in the right situation. I have never been somebody to you; I’m just a quick distraction, a source of entertainment, and your main audience. I’m your beloved fool. I wish I could hate you, but I still love you. I love you, Jesse. Even though I know I shouldn’t.

So can you listen to me one last time, to the story that started in sixth grade… Okay, fine, it started in fourth grade. I’ve had a crush on the same guy since fourth grade. You know, I thought it was cool to have feelings so unchanging until I realized I was just an idiot. Waiting alone in the rain is just cold and stupid, especially when you know the person you're waiting for already said they wouldn’t show. However, I did just that when I confessed my feelings to him in my junior year, expecting that, for some reason, he would return them.

Everyone, including you, told me there was no way. I should have listened, but I was deluded; perhaps it was all in my head, but why was it that every time our eyes connected, we held each other's gazes, unable to look away? Unable to speak. Why would the world stop and everyone’s chatter fade away? Why would neither of us break the moment until an outsider cleared their throat and shattered our bubble? The worst part wasn’t that it happened once; the worst part was that it kept happening, and every time we were so close I could breathe in his scent. Every time we weirded someone out and made them uncomfortable. I guess, though, that I read too much into it because during our junior year of high school he broke my heart.

I should have moved on then, but I couldn’t say goodbye to every memory we shared. I couldn’t say goodbye to him, my lovely heartbreaker. Jesse Ley.

I used to dream about a future with him, where he went off to become a software engineer at Port University, and I followed as an architecture student. The funny thing is that he went to Riverside University, 68 miles away from me, and began studying Marketing. Even funnier is the fact that I go to Port University and study Finance. I guess dreams really are just that. A figment of our imagination that disappears the moment we wake up.

So imagine my surprise when I held up the phone one night to respond to your message, only to see his name on my screen. I was so shocked, I forgot to pack up my bag for class the next day. I couldn’t sleep that night, debating if I should respond or not. I called you to rant on the phone, over whether I should reconnect with someone who didn’t talk to me for almost a whole year. Then I talked my roommate's ear off about it, and still I pondered it.

I forgot to set my alarm that night. I woke up late, left my history and econ notes behind when I went to class. I was all over the place that morning when I realized I couldn’t take notes in class because my notebook and pens were missing. In the small gap I had between classes, I had to rush over to my dorm to get my notebooks. Still, I couldn’t answer. After all, what would I say? Hi, Jesse, you’ve ruined my day because my infatuation with you is still ongoing and I can’t think of anything else now that you are here? Like, are you serious? Who would be stupid enough to keep liking a guy that already rejected her and doesn’t even go to her school? Especially when she has the opportunity to see and talk to cute guys every day, unless it's raining. The fine men only show up on campus on sunny days for some reason; someone should look into that.

Anyways, I responded and lo and behold all I got was a thumbs up and a smiley face. All that stress for what? He couldn’t even be bothered to text me seriously. So I made up my mind; I promised I would get over him and that I would never fall in love with him again.

Right. So that failed, but is it really my fault? Don’t answer that; it's rhetorical.

I mean, you were there when it all started again. Neither of us knew he would be there or that he would approach me. We went to the party on a whim; I wore the white cropped halter top with a low neckline because I hadn’t done my laundry and my new frayed denim shorts. After all, they were all I had left. I put on too much gold jewelry and body glitter because I wanted to sparkle, and I did a full face of makeup because I couldn’t have anyone seeing me look ugly in our hometown.

Jesse shouldn’t have been there that night; school wasn’t even out for him yet, and there was no three-day weekend or any reason for him to travel 190 miles just to be back home. However, there he was, looking handsome, of course, with his curly black hair freshly trimmed, his black t-shirt ironed and his jeans the perfect wash, smiling like an idiot as he saw us walk in. I turned around to see if there was someone behind us, only to frown as I realized we were the only ones walking in. He waved at me excitedly like we were best friends expecting each other, and he called out my name.

“Talia! Talia! Talia!” He called, as if my name was the only word he knew.

I quickly waved back and turned away, afraid he would know that I was still a blubbering fool. Suddenly my shorts were too short and my neckline too low. My hair was not staying in place, and my makeup was oily. I was a hot mess for sure, and he would never like me. Still, it didn’t stop him from coming to my side with drinks in hand. It didn’t stop him from grinning and saying that it was a nice surprise to see me there. For a second I thought we could go back to how things used to be, to when we were just friends who laughed and saw each other for who we were. Up until I ruined it with wanting more.

I drank too much that night; I know I did, because how else would I have ended up in his arms dancing to the slow songs everyone knows I hate. I also wouldn’t have tripped on my own feet and landed on him. I wouldn’t have tried to cover it up by saying I wanted to dance. Jesse wouldn’t have laughed as hard as he did if it hadn’t been so obvious that I detested the idea of dancing to those songs. I mean, how else would I have found the courage to say I was excited to hang out and see him throughout the summer, if not to change the conversation? And how else would I have heard him say, “Okay, let’s do it,” with an amused grin?

Jesse never loved me; I know that now, but sometimes he was really good at pretending he did. Sometimes he would say the right things to set my heart a flutter and convince me that he saw me the same way I saw him.

Jesse had a way of seeing me at my worst and laughing it off like I was the funniest person around. He was always so excited to share his stories and jokes with me. It made me feel special when he chose me to share a bit of himself with. Sure, some of the jokes were lame, and I laughed more at the delivery than the joke itself, but he was always the best part of my day. So of course I said yes when he asked me to go to a party with him. Of course I said yes when he wanted to match outfits, and of course I held his hand when he brushed it against mine as we walked in.

I was so happy when he squeezed it back and wouldn’t let go, when he smiled as the sun set and his eyes began to glow. I was so entranced by their golden glow that I didn’t notice I had leaned in so close that if he had tilted his head down a little, we would have brushed lips. Except he did notice, and when he leaned in for the kiss, I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t resist the sweet temptation I had been waiting years for. That night I couldn’t let him go; wherever we went, our fingers were intertwined and our arms locked. Whenever I blinked, I couldn’t believe that right before me stood Jesse Ley, introducing me as the girl of his dreams. Me of all people, isn’t that crazy?

Jesse had me wrapped around his finger; wherever he went, I would linger. He took me from place to place in his Mustang, kissed my cheeks, and touched my lips. Took pictures of us on his phone and made my face his screen saver. I was Jesse’s girl; I sat on his lap like it was my place. Showed him off to my sisters, and danced to those stupid songs I hate because we were together and he loved to dance.

We both know Jesse Ley is handsome and that he knows it. Just like he knows I love pretty shiny things. He even bought me a gold necklace and ring; sometimes I pretend he truly wanted me by putting on that ring. For a moment I thought it was the day I had been waiting for. When the love of my life got down on one knee, and I would say, “I do.” Don’t laugh. It was actually really sweet. Jesse brought me to the lake as the sun was setting. He brought me daffodils and placed them in my hands as he sang Just the Way You Are. I couldn’t help but giggle as his voice cracked and he rolled his eyes. Still, he hugged me from behind as we watched the sunset, and as I leaned into his arms, I thought nothing could be more perfect than this. But it did; he made it better. He placed a necklace around my neck, he grabbed my hand and slid the ring on my finger. I was so shocked I had no words, and beside me, he kissed my hand and let it linger. I stared at his face, which had an unchanging grin. I’ve always hated how he flaunts it, and though I may grimace, I admit I love it. But I also loved that for a summer I could claim that Jesse Ley was my other half.

Jesse loved to say my name. He would send me messages and the first word would be my name. He would see me every day, and without fail he would sing my name like an enchanting spell. I wish he hadn’t ruined my name; I can't stand the reminder of my undecided lover. I was so convinced he loved me until he said goodbye on my last day of summer. As if he couldn't be bothered to be in love with another only an hour away in the fall.

Jesse Ley was a really good liar who didn’t love me. He did all those things with a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes, and I ignored it. Although his laughter was true, his feelings were not. Jesse Ley once told me he felt alone at Riverside; I told him when fall came we could call every day. He smiled but didn’t agree. I guess he never lied, but he never told me what I wanted to hear.

As you said when I told you about Riverside. “Jesse went from being the hottest guy in high school, the heartbreaker surrounded by people, to the loner in college. He was in a dark place that he could not embrace, so he came home on a random weekend, and in came Talia with her pretty face that had been unknown. So he showed her off to everyone just to show that he was still the guy who got the girl. Stupid little Talia ate out of the palm of his hand and reminded him that he was still the best around.”

I know now that he was in a low place and I was just a pretty face. A quick change of pace that made him contemplate that he should be adored. I know you’re mad, but he’s still Jesse Ley. The man I love, which I could never abhor no matter who he thought he could take me for.

Jesse Ley, he used me to regain his confidence, wouldn’t you agree? But in one summer, he gave me my whirlwind love story that I hope to never have with another. I know you hate him, but sometimes on those rainy days I wear that ring and miss him, but summer is over, and so are we.