This Sh!t is Bananas

I hate doctors. They’re so dumb. They’re esposed to make you better, but they come up with the stupidest stuff. You wanna know how stupid doctors are? I’ll tell you. One time, I was conserpated. That’s what they call it when you haven’t gone number two for a couple days. I really don’t think that pooing is anyone else’s business. Talking about your poo is weird and talking about it with grown-ups is really weird, but I had the worstest tummy ache and the grown-ups said that was how come. Mummy took me to see the doctor and they gave her a tablet. They said it was a special tablet, and that she had to stick it up my bum. I laughed really hard because I thought it was a big joke. The doctor wasn’t smiling though. He had one of those “Poke Her” faces on. I knew it must have been a fib, because tablets don’t go up your bum. That’s just not on. They go in your mouth, for heaven’s sake, and you swallow them down with a glass of water. But Mummy didn’t seem to realise it was a joke, and she kept going on and on about it. She wouldn’t give up.

“It’ll make you feel better,” she kept saying.

And I kept thinking, “Like hell it will!”

I’m at the doctors now with Mummy. We were here a few weeks ago. She’s been feeling really tired lately and she wants to know if something’s wrong. I keep telling her that she just needs to have a nap when she’s tired, because that always works for me, but she never listens. So the doctor made us go into a little room with a big cooshy chair for Mummy to sit in and she let this weird lady put a needle into her arm and she took out bottles and bottles of Mummy’s blood. I don’t know how that was esposed to help, but Mummy said it was fine. The doctor said that her potathium levels are low and she needs to try to get more potathium. I don’t really understand what that means, but she’s been taking proper mouth-tablets and eating heaps of bananas and stuff. Just the other day, we had to go back to the blood lady. She stuck her needle in Mummy’s arm again and took out more bottles. If it didn’t help Mummy the first time, then I don’t get why we have to do it again, but Mummy let the blood lady do it anyway. Maybe she has too much blood in her and there’s not enough room for that potathium stuff. They said if we came back today, they’d be able to tell us if the potathium is better. I don’t know how they figure this stuff out, but I think it’s a bit mean that they didn’t just tell us then. I don’t know why they made us wait. Grown-ups are weird.

When I was conserpated, and the grown-ups were all trying to tell me that I needed to have this silly tablet shoved up my bum, I was having none of it. I kept saying that I wouldn’t let anyone stick anything up my bum, but the pain in my tummy kept getting worser and worser. Soon I couldn’t sleep anymore and my head even started to hurt. I was scared that if I didn’t poo soon, I would hurt everywhere, all over my body. I didn’t want that, but I didn’t understand how sticking something up my bum could make stuff come out of my bum. I told my Mum so, and she said that the up-the-bum thing had nothing to do with pooing. That was just a kerincidence. She said that when it gets really bad, and other medicine isn’t working, then you have to just put the medicine up your bum. I don’t know who the hell ever figured that out, but they must’ve been a real weirdo. Who comes up with that kind of idea? Mummy said to me, “You know when Nanny is in pain, and she gets up and walks off and you ask her where she’s going? And she says she has to go stick something up her bum to make her feel better?”

So I thought about it and I remembered that Nanny does say that. But I always thought that was just a joke. Nanny’s always saying silly stuff like that. When she reads me stories, she always does silly voices and silly sounds. She says silly stuff about the grown-ups on the news. Sometimes it’s really funny and sometimes it’s a little bit rude too. I don’t always understand what she says, but the other grown-ups laugh, so I know it must be funny. She’s lots of fun. I never, ever, ever thought though that she was serious about sticking things up her bum. Mum says it’s called a Sir Positive, which is a really weird name for a medicine, but whatever. I’ve heard grown-ups talk about a Mr Right before. Maybe it’s something to do with that.

We had to wait a long, long time to get in to see the doctor today. I don’t know exactly how long it was, but it must have been hours and hours and hours. At least two other people got to go in before us. There was a boy in the waiting room who couldn’t stop scratching his bum. Mummy saw me looking at him and she whispered to me that he probably just “had worms” - as though that’s a normal thing to say. I have no idea what that’s even esposed to mean, and I don’t know what was wrong with him but I’m so glad it wasn’t me. I don’t even want to think about what kind of medicine he’s going to need!

I’m really scared about what’s going to happen if Mummy’s potathium isn’t better. I don’t want that crazy blood lady to put her needle in Mummy any more and I don’t want her taking any more bottles. What does she do with it all anyway? Maybe she sells it to vampires. I guess if they buy it like that, then they don’t have to attack anyone. That’s fine, but they don’t need to have any more of Mummy’s blood. That creepy lady can go get her blood from somebody else. She can stay right away from my Mum! How can taking her blood out make her better? That’s just stupid. I’ll tell Mummy that later if they say they want her to do it again.

The pain when I was conserpated got abserlutely unbearable and I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted the pain to stop and I couldn’t poo, no matter how hard I tried. I still didn’t fully believe that the whole up-the-bum thing was true, but I didn’t care anymore. So I said, “OK”.

I thought it would hurt, but Mummy put special gooey stuff on it so that it wouldn’t. Evencherly I did a big, big number two. After I did it, I turned around and looked into the bowl and I couldn’t believe it. It was the biggest poo I have ever seen. I couldn’t believe that it had come out of me. I’m so little and it was so massive! I don’t know where in my body it could have been hiding all that time. I don’t even know if it was that crazy tablet that helped, or if it was just time for it to finally come out, but I was so glad when it was all over. I don’t ever want to have to do that again. And I’m still not ok with having to stick medicine up your bum.

I just want Mummy to be better. I’m too scared to even think about what kind of crazy thing they’ll tell her to do next. I’ve absolutely had it with doctors and their stupid ideas.

The doctor looked at his computer screen and said to Mummy, “Your potathium levels are still far too low, so we’ll have to do something about that.”

I started to get really angry and I was shaking all over. I reckoned I knew exactly what he was going to come out with, and there was absolutely no way I was gonna let it happen. I decided that I’d had enough of all this doctor rubbish and so that’s when I exploded. I screamed out loud and shouted, “NO! I’M NOT LETTING YOU DO THAT! YOU CAN’T MAKE HER!”

Mummy and the doctor looked at me, all confused, and they asked me what was wrong, so I told them! Then they both started laughing and laughing at me and I bursted into tears. I was crying and crying and I was so angry and I got a big, burny lump in my throat. Mummy handed me a tissue and started stroking my hair, but I wasn’t going to give up. I stared at the doctor really hard and I went, “I said NO! I’ll scream the whole place down if I have to!”

Then Mummy took my hand and she said, “Sweetheart, breathe! Everything is going to be just fine! We’re not laughing at you, we’re just laughing at what you said. It caught us off-guard. I think you must’ve misheard or misunderstood something. Look at me, honey. Listen: Of course I don’t need to start sticking bananas up my bum! How on earth did you come up with that?”