Closure

To My Love,

At first, I thought you were so different from all the other men. So romantic, so loving, so attentive. Bringing me flowers, chocolates, jewellery, and even my favourite cake, once.

Complimenting me, every chance that you had. Always trying to protect me. Sending me little love texts in the middle of the night. I loved waking up in the morning to your text messages. You gave the impression that you were a little obsessed. But to be honest I loved it. I loved all the attention you gave me. I loved all the little gifts.

But after a while I realised that you weren’t different to other men, that, in fact, you were worse, because you lead me to believe that I was the only one for you and that we would be together forever.

**********

We first met 20 years ago in a bar, in London. I knew you liked me from the start. I could feel your eyes burrowing into me, from across the room. Eventually you came over to me and asked, ‘How do you fancy being chatted up?’ in your smooth, sophisticated way. You bought me a drink, actually you bought me several drinks. We got on so well. We danced and laughed. You laughed at all my jokes, even the unfunny ones! We chatted and drank and at the end of the evening we went back to your place and ordered a takeaway. Kebabs, if I remember correctly, and we drank some more. It was a beautiful night, full of fun, with romantic music, slow dancing, laughter, love, and passion, and in the morning, I did not want to leave. It seemed to me that we were made for each other, we seemed to complement each other like strawberries and cream. Why wouldn’t we be together forever?

But it never materialised into anything beyond friends with benefits, though, did it? Maybe that’s all it was ever meant to be. And as time went by, you moved away, and we lost touch. We got on with our lives. I got married and had children, as did you. I started my own business, as did you.  I found this out, recently.

But after 20 years, you returned. You came back to my hometown, like a force of energy, looking for a new life. Both our marriages had ended in divorce, I had sold my business and your ex-wife took yours. Our children had all grown up and flown the nest.  I thought that it was fate, our destiny, to be together, at last, We dated for a while. Those dates were fabulous, nothing special, but because I was with you, it made them extra special. You appeared to be very open and honest, you said that you wanted me to know everything about you, everything about your past. Then you told me you loved me. I was on cloud nine.

**********

Do you remember the very first romantic film we saw at the cinema? It was P.S. I love you! But you told me that you weren’t a romantic. That was the very first lie that you told me. You told me that you never lie. You lied to me about almost everything. You told me that you loved me. You told me that I was special. You told me that I was the girl of your dreams. All lies! But I believed you. Why wouldn’t I? I loved you with all my heart. I was ready, ready to commit, ready to give you my all.

I was yours, totally.

I still am.

**********

Then out of the blue, you ignored me. I rang you, no answer. I text you, nothing. I even went your house, still nothing. I didn’t understand what I could possibly have done wrong. I knew that you weren’t dead, because I see your brother quite often, in passing, and he told me that you were going through some personal stuff.

After a month or so, you did text me and you told me that you were sorry, you also told me that you wanted us to be friends again.

I forgave you.

I thought that if we were friends and I was in your life that you would fall for me again. I also thought that being friends with you was better than not seeing you at all. So I agreed. I hung on and hung on, pretended that I only wanted to be friends, like you did. Secretly hoping that you would change your mind. We met up a few times, just for coffee, but those meetings got less and less, the phone calls got less and less, and the texts got less and less.

Then it arrived, the letter that stopped me in my tracks. It was lying on my doormat, looking up at me, daring me to pick it up and open it.

I picked it up.

I recognised your handwriting, immediately, but I didn’t open it there and then. I couldn’t. It was almost as if I knew what it said inside. I left it for a few hours. When I eventually did open it, my hands were shaking at the prospect of what was inside.

It was, as I suspected, a ‘Dear Jane’ letter. I could feel the colour drain from my face.

‘Hello You’. You always started messages with that greeting.  

It read, ‘This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. I feel that I am saying goodbye to my best friend.’

I felt quite sick.

I flopped down onto the dining room chair, tears slowly filled my eyes, I could hardly see to read. My heart felt like you had stabbed it a dozen times with a huge dagger. I felt real, physical, pain as I read your words, which weren’t venomous in any way, in fact they were quite tender, but somehow the tenderness made it worse. It did not stop the tears from dropping. It did not stop my heart from breaking.

In your letter there was an apology for leading me on. I forgive you, but as you know, I would forgive you anything. It also read that you have found another. It went on to say that you have never felt like this before, about anyone. Reading those words took my breath away. My heart broke into a trillion tiny pieces, stabbing at me from the inside. As each shard fell, it was like a piece of my soul had broken away and was beyond fixing. ‘What about me?’ I whispered, between my sobs.

I cried over you for days and days. But, even now, my love, I live in hope that I still have a chance. That you may, one day, come knocking at my door, admitting that you were wrong. Wanting to be my knight in shining armour, coming to sweep me off my feet. I would still give you everything. If you asked me to marry you today, I would.

But in reality, you have a new love and I am still waiting.

Even though our time together was very short, it was the best time of my life, and for that, I thank you.

I sincerely hope you will be very happy in your new relationship.

It is with a very heavy heart that I am writing this because I am still so very much in love with you, but I thank you for giving me this closure.

Always yours, X.