08_ Drowning in Sunshine

A few weekends after, Hamu asked to meet me in London and I said yes. I had no reason to deny him, plus denying him would have made him question me: “Why not? Don’t you want to meet?” and that might open a can of worms that I did not want to answer.

You can always just say, no– I don’t want to.

But why? Why would I not want to?

Sometimes you can just…not want to do things.

But why would I not want to meet Hamu? We were good friends, were we not? Friends should meet each other right? Is it because I am hung up on Will? Clearly not because I hadn’t thought about Will in weeks now, maybe even months. I had only thought back to him when I was scrolling through texts with Hamu but other than that? No, Will lives deep down in a place where the sun doesn’t shine.

Dex wouldn’t be pleased if he knew I was still pining over Will but we weren’t talking anyways. It didn’t ever matter what I said to him, he never believed me again after the whole Will situation. And I don’t think I believed anything I said either. I checked my messages again, it’d been one and a half months since Dex and I last spoke. So much for salvaging anything.

So why not, fine. Why not meet Hamu? Hamu had been there the whole time– where was the harm? At least we were amicable, right?

You’re worried he would get attached. You don’t want that do you?

He has no reason to be attached to me. So honestly– who cares anymore?

You do, apparently.

--

I was walking up to Paddington’s concourse from the Underground station. I texted Hamu to say I was approaching. We had agreed to meet at 12:30pm and it was already 12:35pm. Why am I always late?

Because idiot girl, you always refuse to leave your house on time.

Miyu: i am here- wait under the big clock?

I wasn’t even sure if there was a big clock at Paddington; there’s one in Waterloo and I think at Euston? I will just hope for the best.

Hamu: big clock?

lol

i don’t see one

The station was bright, the glazed roof showcasing a cloudy sky that almost looked silvery. I scanned the station and checked my phone again hoping that Hamu would have texted me his location so that I could find him.

Hamu: ive been walking around for ages lol

i don’t see one?

london is so busy

Is this stupid idiot walking around the station looking for a clock to stand under? Why didn’t he just text where he was and stand still?

Shut up.

Miyu: just tell me what you see and i’ll come to you instead

Hamu: okay lol

i’m in front of burger king

I jogged over to the Burger King and there was Hamu, Sonny Vu, standing in the flesh outside of Burger King. I stopped a few metres just before, took a deep breath and walked over with my best smile. He was shorter than I had expected, but was all smiles and sunshine as I had expected. He rocked backwards and forwards on his feet with his hands in his pockets with the largest pair of headphones I had ever seen covered in anime stickers. He waved when he saw me.

“Miyu!” His arms stretched out for a hug and I embraced him gingerly. He smelt of fresh laundry, Lynx Africa and strangely, of steamed rice. I felt undeserving of his cheerfulness. “You lied! I walked around for ages to find a clock but couldn’t find one? There was one past the barriers but I’d already come out.”

Is this guy an idiot?

“I just assumed there was one here since there’s typically one I think at train stations but I don’t come to Paddington often so I just hoped and prayed,” I admitted with a weak smile, hoping that I didn’t show any signs of judgement.

I’d either completely hidden my disdain or he was completely oblivious and hadn’t noticed it. Either way, Hamu remained smiling and put his comically large headphones into his backpack. “So– what’s the plan? Where are we going? What did you have planned for the day?”

“Oh… Uh… I don’t know, how long are you even staying for?” The visit had been a spur of the moment thing, something that I’d agreed without planning or thinking about anything. Hamu said he was going to be in London and suddenly tickets were bought and now, here he was. I had no idea what we were going to be doing. Worst of all, I had no idea what Hamu wanted to do. What does Hamu even do in his spare time apart from playing video games? I had no idea.

“Until the evening, my train is at 7:15pm? So we have a couple hours to kill,” he was still rocking back and forth on his heels. I instinctively shuffled backwards as he rocked forwards towards me, trying to maintain distance between us.

“Mmm…” Something to do together, something we can enjoy together…“How about… the aquarium?” I suggested, without much thought. I guess this was me now, just agreeing and saying things willy-nilly.

The aquarium? Really? How old are you? 7? Is this really something to do together or for you?

I don’t know. I like fish.

Hamu’s laugh was so good-natured that I couldn’t help but smile when I heard it. I had always enjoyed listening to Hamu’s laugh and it was one of the reasons I often joined voice chats when I saw he was present. I couldn't tell if it was his laughter that was contagious or his general demeanor. Why not both? Both.

“Yeah, okay– I’ve not been for ages so that might be fun. Yes! Let’s goooo. Aquarium. How do we get there?”

We descended down to the Underground platforms to get to Waterloo. Throughout the journey, Hamu made consistent comments on how crowded London was, how confusing the underground system was, and how loud everything was, and how many people there were, from the trains to the crowds at street level. I assured him that it was only because it was a Saturday, and everyone was out to enjoy the weekend as much as possible and normally it wasn’t so busy.

But to tell the truth, I avoided going out on the weekends also for the exact same reasons and have no idea what Central London was like on the weekdays anymore since I would be working. It’s been a long time since I’ve been out.

“Look at this queue!” Hamu said while we were queuing for the aquarium, “this is why I prefer staying at home,” announced Hamu, “London is too much for me.”

Then why did you offer to come out then?

“Hamu, do you prefer being called Hamu or Sonny?” I changed the topic before I said anything I regretted.

And there was that smile again, after a small pause, he replied, “Sonny. Call me Sonny. My online friends call me Hamu but you can call me Sonny, like my real life friends.”

“Okay,” I nodded, was I mirroring the smile or was I just happy to be basking in his positivity? Happy, I would like to be happy. “Got it, I’ll call you Sonny from now on.”

As we walked through the dark corridor towards the exhibitions, I thought about how easy it was being with Hamu, who was now Sonny. Sonny, sunshine incarnate with his overly tight skinny jeans, his huge headphones and his big bright personality and the contrast he was in comparison to Dex. Dex, who was once sunshine incarnate too, the joy and joker of the friendship group he had with Will. The friendship group I tore up.

Are you going to ruin Sonny as well?

I’m not capable of ruining anyone.

But you did, and you are going to do it again, aren’t you?

No. I won’t do it again. Sonny is lovely. So so lovely. I won’t go near him. Not like that. No, never like that.

What if he comes after you?

He won’t.

Wanna bet?

I didn’t realise I was lagging behind, drowning in my own thoughts until I felt a gentle brush on my arm. I snatched it away and looked up to see Hamu standing in front of me, face lit gently from the soft overhead blue lights.

“Miyu?”

I blinked and the involuntary smile returned back to my face, “sorry, sorry– was miles away. What did I miss?” I babbled.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes! Yes… Yes… I am… alright. Aquarium. Yes,” my hands swung back and forth wildly, a conductor trying to control her own thoughts. I pursed my lips and looked at Sonny, hoping that the darkness hid how my smile never reached my eyes. “Shall we?”

Sonny still looked concerned so I threaded my arm through his to pull him along, his arm bending up to lock mine in place and now I was pressed against him. It was such a natural movement that it surprised me a little that we were suddenly walking as a pair, arm-in-arm.

We walked into a room filled with small tanks, children and families all pressing their faces into the glass to look at tiny shrimps, angry crabs and fishes that darted through corals and weeds. My mind wandered to Dex and how we’d always said we should come here since I loved fish. But we rarely went out, and now? We don’t even talk. And I was somehow at the aquarium with another man, arms linked as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

What sort of person are you? Really?

I have no idea anymore.

Sonny and I walked to the first tank, leaning in together to look at the tiny creatures trapped behind the glass. I wonder what it thought of us? Two huge faces staring, examining and judging. The tiny seahorses flitted around in the tank, their fins flapping violently as if to shoo us away from staring at them in their home.

“I wished I had a tail that could anchor me down,” I said mindlessly as I watched one lock itself onto a coral branch. “I wonder if seahorses just float around in the sea, what if they cannot find anything to hold onto?”

I must be the funniest person on the planet because Sonny laughed at everything I say. “Maybe, seahorses are so weird looking.” And then Sonny went back to looking, with no further comment. Riveting conversation. Truly.

I wriggled my arm free and stood up first as if I had lost all interest in the seahorses and was waiting to move on but in reality, I just really wanted my arm back. Sonny straightened up a few moments later and turned to look at me, offering his arm again.

Oh, I guess I can’t take back what I started.

We continue through the small tanks, ooh-ing and aah-ing as we both laugh and avoid small children, families and buggies. Under the screams and cries of children being scared of the dark or bored and wanting to go, faint melancholy music with wave sounds play. Accompanied by the flickering dim blue lights, it truly felt like we were at the bottom of the ocean.

We arrive at the base central Atlantic tank where turtles, rays and various large fish swim gracefully in the confines of the glass. We stood in front of it, Sonny leaning into me to point out all the different fishes that swam above, in front of, and below us. I wondered if they are aware of all of us staring and gawking at them, and if they mind us doing that? I would be horrified if every day I woke up to be perceived by a new group of people. Large and looming, staring and pointing at me. And then I wondered if everyone in the tank was well acquainted with each other. Do you think fish greet each other like they do in Finding Nemo? I could hear Dex’s snarky comments about I thought fish would talk to each other, maybe he would have laughed, or maybe not. I wouldn’t know anymore.

My thoughts were only punctuated by a buggy that rammed my ankles and a child’s trainer connecting with the back of my calves.

“Oh! Oh! Sorry! Sorry! Milena! Stop kicking!” An exhausted looking mother pushing a buggy with a very angry looking little girl fought their way towards the tank. Sonny pulled me a little to the side to make way for the very insistent mother.

“Are you okay?” Sonny leaned even closer, his breath warm against my ear. I shrank away, shy from the closeness and uncomfortable with the heat.

“Yeah… yeah… all good.” I tried to smile and nod reassuringly and he nodded back.

We stood there a bit longer and eventually his hand found mine, our fingers interlocking. When I first felt his fingers through mine, I hesitated, turning to look at him while wanting to pull back. Was this okay? What would Dex think? Dex and I were technically still trying so is this okay to do? But when he subtly did not look at me and continued smiling at the fish and squeezing my hand I took a breath and went back to looking at whatever was in the tank. When we moved away, he swung our arms a little, smiling at me as if he’d achieved something, won something. I smiled weakly at the childish gesture, I’m sure we looked ridiculous.

Oh look– aren’t you both sweet?

Sonny continued pointing things out to me but this time also using the hand that was holding mine so our arms were jointly lifted whenever he wanted to show me something. I felt like a little ragdoll, my arm and my body out of my control as we journeyed through the rest of the aquarium. He didn’t let me go, not even to scratch his nose– he laughed at my bewildered expression. How clingy can a man be?

The shark tunnel was crowded and claustrophobic; the closeness of the ceiling echoing the screams and talks even more. I stared up at the dancing waters and watched it also on other people’s phone screens, aiming to take photos of the majestic creatures that swim above and around us. Do these people even look at the photos they take after they get home? I wonder if this is the view you get if you were drowning and looking up towards the surface of the waters. How morbid, why am I like this?

Out of the corner of my eyes, I caught Sonny taking a photo of me staring upwards and I instantly ducked away.

“Ha–” I corrected myself quickly, “Sonny!”

“Sorry! Sorry! It was just a really nice moment– you looked really peaceful, wanna see?”

I was glad for the blue hazy light that hid the flush on my face; I watched another man miss his photo opportunity of a manta ray before turning back to Sonny.

“Uh.. sure…I am famously unphotogenic though.”

The photo was far too close and too dark for it to be a good picture. It was mostly just me without much context, my face blue from the lighting and blurry since Sonny took it with only one hand; his other still holding mine. I hated my side profile; my mother once said I looked like a mango from the side and I argued that it was more like a cashew nut.

“Oh God! Delete that, I look terrible!” I winced from just looking at the screen.

“No! You look lovely!” countered Sonny.

We stepped off the moving walkway, Sonny squeezing a little as he ‘helps’ me hop off it although I wasn’t aware I needed the help.

“I’m keeping it forever,” he declared proudly, still looking at the photo despite my obvious displeasure, why he chose to do this despite my reaction, is beyond me.

“Right… whatever, just… don’t post it anywhere.” I muttered under my breath. I have now freed myself from his hand and hadn’t realised just how sweaty it was. I wiped my hand on my trousers quickly, gross gross gross.

“Ah– sorry,” Sonny followed my gesture and wiped his hands on himself too, “I get sweaty hands when I get nervous,” he admitted.

“Oh, no worries, it’s not you, it’s me,” even though I knew it was definitely him. I paused for a moment, “wait, why are you nervous?”

“Hm? Oh–” Sonny chuckled nervously, “‘cause I’m with you! Silly! You make me nervous!”

“Huh? Why? I thought we were good! I thought I was–” Panic started to settle in, why was Sonny nervous? What did I do this time? What did I do wrong now?

“Miyu!”

“What?!” I cried, “why do I make you nervous?!”

Sonny suddenly stopped walking and I stopped also, searching his face. He looked conflicted, as if holding something back.

Oh God, Hamu… Please don’t–

“Because… I think I like you?” Sonny said softly with his signature smile, only this time– I couldn’t smile back.

And then we just stood in the corridor between the exit of the shark tunnel and the rest of the exhibit, looking at each other. The soft light of the tank hid our true facial colours and expressions as other families, children and couples poured from the tiny threshold, weaving through each other as we stood there– caught in our own moment.

“Miyu? Did I… do something wrong?”

“No… just–”

Yes. Yes you did, because what about Dex? What about Will? What? No! This wasn’t meant to happen!

You were meant to stay as Hamu, as my sunshine forever. No! No! No!

No no no indeed.