It Doesn't Matter How Old You Are

This is a story about a pattern that continues with a mother; now a grandmother, who feels lonely and wants to keep some control over her forty one year old daughter like she has always done for decades. The daughter was always safe. She was her mother’s emotional dumping ground and now the daughter has finally pulled back. Listen and you will see this 68 year old mother who has never learned to figure out her own emotions or to let her daughter go.

Mother’s Day Gone Wrong

Mom woke up early with the dog and she took him outside. It was a nice, sunny day and she let herself imagine Mother’s Day the way she wanted it to go.

Mom (Internal) :

Maybe Connie and Kylie will be here earlier. Maybe we can go to the farm like I text her yesterday. Then we can go out to dinner.

She checks her phone for a Mother’s Day message, but nothing yet. She had one from her older sister, Linda wishing her a happy day.

Late morning

Mom (internal):

Mom knew that Connie goes to church on Sunday. Maybe that is where she is and by the time she gets over here “ it will be 3 o’clock.”

I’ll just text her. “Happy Mother’s Day."

She waits and she waits.

“We’re still at his mother’s house. Be there soon.”

Mom (internal):

Still? It has been hours. Why didn’t she plan that visit another day?

When Connie’s car finally pulled up, mom was happy enough.

Mom (internal):

They actually came. Maybe we can still go and the day won’t be ruined.

A few minutes later. “So are we going to the farm?”

“Ya know. That would be backtracking and I know I said we can go, but can we go Monday when it’s not so busy?”

“Monday isn’t mother’s day. I was hoping to go. I’ll get there sometime.”

So mom brought up the settlement which makes her feel less small.

“I still don’t hear much from the lawyers about your dad’s settlement. I don’t know how much we’re getting, but it is going to be two settlements. I heard the probate lawyer said I have to go downtown to the courthouse to get sworn in. It’s time consuming. It takes me away from everything that I have to do. I keep leaving messages and…”

Connie scrunched up her hand on her temple and firmly cut her mother off.

“Stop complaining and do what the lawyer said to do. Who is going to take you Downtown? I know it’s going to be me.”

“No this doesn’t involve you.”

“Yes it will. I don’t want the money. It’s not going to bring dad back.”

“Ya know what.” Mom went out to the bench in the backyard.

Connie went to the front to visit her sister, her daughter and her husband who were playing with ball with the neighbor’s children next door. They were all having a blast unlike the chill in the house that just occurred.

Mom (internal):

Connie does not know how hard this is. I am doing everything. She doesn’t care. Sure she’ll want that money when it’s in her bank account. Why does she talk to me like that? I lost him, too? Look at them playing out there like a happy family. Where’s my happy family?

Connie came back inside to check on her mother because she knew her mother would feel rejected when all tired Connie was trying to be was honest. Connie woke up early. Her dog barked in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Her six year old daughter climbed into bed with her snoring husband and her. She needed to be firm even if this was on Mother’s Day. It could not wait any longer. Connie was exhausted and wanted to just have a nice Mother’s Day on her own. She felt pressure to see her mother and it was not because she did not want to see her mother. Connie needed to set boundaries with her mother.

“It does not matter how old you are!” Connie’s mom shook her head and looked down at the floor.

“It does. I’m forty-one going on forty-two and I am done with these guilt trips. Now I’m going to get my family and go. What? You’re mad now. You don’t want a hug?”

Mom (internal):

She is so rude to me on mother’s day! There must be something wrong with her. She told me she would take me. I am her mother. I was hoping to go. I do not know how to get there. Why am I always last? I have done so much for her. She only comes around when she wants something. If she did not want to see me then she should have stayed at home. If she did not live so far away. Fine. Don’t bother. Come here my doggy. You are the only one that loves me. Maybe if I act upset she’ll come tomorrow. She usually does. If she didn’t live so damn far away. I don’t know how to get to her. I can’t drive that far. He moved them away for his job. He loves being just five minutes away from work. Then he doesn’t have to get his butt up so early. He’s in on this, too. I can see that they’re never moving back here to this county. It’s always what he wants and never what she wants.

Mom called her friend, Hazel to soothe her shame.

“Connie hurt my feelings. I don’t know why she is doing this on Mother’s Day! I just wanted to spend time with them. I barely see my granddaughter anymore.”

“Aww, honey. I’m sorry. That is terrible on Mother’s Day.”

“She said they went to his mother’s and they were sitting all day and Kylie needs to run around. She made me feel like trash.”

“She’s just overwhelmed. Kids like playing outside.”

“I don’t understand why she can’t make time for me.”

Mom (internal):

{See I knew Hazel would understand. She goes over the situation over and over again. Even that little girl gets more attention than I do. She turn on the television to distract herself. There is nothing on, but she keeps something on in the background. After an hour of sitting there, well, I’m not getting anything done just sitting here. She goes out to backyard with the dog and starts the mower.

Days go by Connie still has not reached out.

Mom (internal):

She’s too busy to say she’s sorry to me. Not even a “How’s it going?” She doesn’t care. If she did she would text me or call. Why doesn’t she check on me? She knows I’m alone here. I was just talking about the settlement which I know she would love to have. It would help out everyone so she can send her daughter to a good school one day. She doesn’t see how hard this is for me. She doesn’t see how alone I feel with these decisions that I have to make all by myself. She can just go to work and be young while I have to deal with this at my age and I shouldn’t be dealing with this at sixty-eight years old. I don’t know what to do. I have never dealt with lawyers before this. Who says “stop complaining” to their mother especially on Mother’s Day? She was a total witch to me. She came over but she did not want to be here and her daughter wanted to play with that little girl next door. She didn’t want to see me.

I’m not texting her first. I’m tired of being the one who reaches out first. I’m tired of this! Maybe she’s done with me. Maybe she doesn’t need me. No, she does need me. She’s selfish and I would never treat my mother this way. She is wrong for doing this to me!

Day 2

Mom (internal):

I miss her. I miss my granddaughter. Why doesn’t she see that? Why doesn’t she reach out? She shouldn’t get so mad. What is this teaching her daughter? To be mad at everyone? I wasn’t complaining. I was just letting her know about the settlement. Why does she always make me feel like I’m the bad guy? She reminds me of her dad being so stubborn!

She picks up the phone and almost texts Connie. She remembers how Connie told her that she was complaining and she was not complaining If anything, she was sharing information with her daughter. How is that wrong?

Day 3

“Ya know, your sister hasn’t text me in days. What is wrong with her? She should be grateful that I’m still here. All the things I do for you girls.”

“We’re not girls, mom. Connie was tired. They visited people all day and they were tired. She had a negative experience at church where someone stole their seats and she was not happy that day. No it was definitely not right how she did this on Mother’s Day. That was rude.”

“Why don’t you call her? She seems to listen to you. You’re her best friend. She doesn’t like me.”

“No, I’m staying out of it.”

Just then their mother feels the sting of rejection even more than on the first few days of silence. It is a deep sadness that she never wanted to feel.

Mom (internal):

Connie used to need me. She used to come see me. Now she doesn’t need me at all. She has her own family. I’m not going to be around forever. What is she never texts me again? She’s telling Kylie bad things about me. She’s telling her it’s okay if she doesn’t want to spend time with grandma that it is okay. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose my Kylie. I don’t’ want to be alone. Please reach out. Please. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to say sorry because I did nothing wrong. I’m hurting and she doesn’t care. I just want my daughter back.

She swallows hard. She says a loud “I can’t believe she is doing this to me. ”

Day 4

No call. No text. Nothing. “Why is she still mad? It must be some game she’s playing! Life is short”

Her mother picks up the phone and hesitates but she text “Do you want tomatoes from the garden? I’m not going to eat all of these myself. You can give some to his family.”

Connie texted back after a few minutes. “Maybe I can stop by after work.” Connie hopes that her mother will understand that she is grown woman with a family and even though she hurt her mother she needed to be firm to get her mother on the same page. Her mother cannot continue calling her anytime she is bored or feeling lonely. She cannot keep hearing her mother continuously make excuses about certain things that should have been worked on years ago. Connie is tired of being the ‘fixer’ and the one that listens to every family drama. Connie needs her mother to notice that Connie is a mother, too. She cannot do everything that her own mother says. She cannot just keep the peace anymore and she wants to keep her own life intact and get her daughter home to go to bed at a good time for school the next day. It is not much to ask for her mother to respect her family life.

Mom (internal):

Okay. I guess this is the new life for us. She’s going to act all high and mighty like she is perfect. She is not above anyone. I can’t believe her. No matter what I do, she always has to say something. Maybe she’ll come over to get these tomatoes for her in-laws and she’ll apologize? She better apologize to her mother. At least I know, now, that she will be over.