Dear Micah,

Dear Micah,

From a name in my Notes app to two lines on a test, I have always loved you. Now you are real! I can hardly believe it.

I haven’t asked your dad about the name Micah. But I have always loved it, just like I've always loved you. I can already imagine a yellow nursery, gender neutral and calming. I’ll make it lion themed. That would go with the yellow. Or maybe air balloons. There's a lot to consider. And we have plenty of time. You’re barely the size of a peanut right now. It’s incredible how much of an impact you can make at such a small size. My entire life has been flipped upside down and I couldn’t be more excited!

Love, Mom

April 12th, 2025

Dear Micah,

Sometimes I find myself wondering who you will be one day. Of course, there’s the basic question of whether you will be a boy or a girl. But I don’t really care that much about your gender. My mother’s intuition calls you my daughter. But I would be just as happy with a son. I wonder what your dad would want.

What I'm really wondering about is who you will be. Will my son or daughter be the kind of person to take home a stray cat or give it to a shelter? Will you sleep with the fan on? How much of who you are depends on me? If I raise you with the fan on, will that be the only way you can sleep?

I think that may be true. But I think the greater part of it will be all up to you, Baby. You get to decide if you help the stranger on the street. It’s up to you whether you stand for your beliefs or stay quiet. And I can’t wait to see who you decide to become.

Love, Mom

April 14th, 2025

Dear Micah,

I told my mom about you today. Or I suppose it’s Grandma to you. It feels so weird to even write that. To think that the woman who raised me is someone’s grandma now. I didn’t mean to tell her. I was obviously planning to tell your dad first. It just kinda happened. I can’t lie to her. I hope you’ll be the same way.

She’s happy enough. She wishes your father and I were married. She’s old school like that. But she’s excited to meet her grandbaby.

Now I’m imagining your life with her. She’ll be the best grandma. She was the best mother. She’s already talked about all the toys and clothes she’s going to buy for you. I can already tell you’ll be spoiled rotten by her.

If you’re reading this somewhere down the line, I hope I was as good of a mother to you as she was to me. I hope I supported you in all your endeavors. I hope you never wondered if you were loved by me. Because you are. I already love you. I could never not love you. Things will get hard; I know that even now. There were times I thought my mom hated me, and I’m sure she felt the same. But I want you to know that all the hardships are worth it for you.

Love, Mom

April 16th, 2025

Dear Micah,

I’m telling your dad today! I got everything ready. I bought a onesie for you that says, “Daddy’s BFF” and I’m going to put it in a box with the test. I can’t wait to see his reaction. Though, if you’re reading this at some point, I'm sure you already know he adores you. It’s hard not to love you.

Love, Mom

April 17th, 2025

Dear Micah,

I have been writing these so far with the intention of showing you my thoughts through my pregnancy with you. To show how you changed my thinking and my life. But now I know you will never read this. I would never want you too.

I’m sure if you read these my previous entries would sound silly. You know it has always been just you and me. You know your dad doesn’t adore either of us.

Melanie and Christine. Those are their names. Though, you might already know that. Melanie is gorgeous. Her hair is long and blonde. I want to say it’s fake but that might just be resentment. Her face is perfect and her ring is beautiful. I hear she’s a lawyer. How was a struggling author supposed to compete with a lawyer? And Christine is adorable. I can’t hate a baby. Not even when she has your father’s eyes, his nose. She’s a carbon copy of him, you know. Maybe it’s changed as she’s grown but when I saw her, I knew.

I should back up. I’m sure I’ve never told you this story. But if you’ve gotten your hands on this, you deserve to know.

I went to your father’s office today. I had a plan. I brought him coffee and I brought a hot chocolate for me. He knows I hate chocolate. So, he would ask me why I had it. He’s always so attentive like that. Then, I would bring out the box with his surprise.

But that's not what happened. I got to his office and there she was. Melanie was sitting in his chair, holding his baby, wearing his ring. And for a moment I just stood there, watching the panic grow on his face.

“Who’s this?” She asked all innocently. I should be more fair. She is innocent in all of this.

Your father stumbled over half-words and awkward silences before he told her what I had feared.

“No one.” Like the past four years had been nothing. Like the night spent laying on my couch together never happened. Like evenings that we cooked together in the kitchen didn’t mean anything.

I know I told you that I would tell him today. But I didn’t. I told her. I told Melanie everything. I told her he was my boyfriend. That he had met my mother. But I didn’t tell her about you. I don’t know why. I almost wished I hadn’t told anyone. Is that wrong? I don’t love you any less, don’t think it is that. I just wish you could stay mine. Just mine. And I guess you will.

Maybe I should have listened to my mom. Waited till marriage and followed the rules. But Melanie probably did that. Now look at her.

I’m sorry Micah. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a better father. I’m sorry it's just us for now.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Mom,

April 17th, 2025

Dear Micah,

They say the first trimester is the most risky, that any day I might lose you. The thought has been keeping me up at night. I know that probably isn’t helping with your development. But you’re all I have now. I don’t want to put too much pressure on you, which is why you’ll never read these. But I do need to get the thoughts out of my head, which is why I'm writing them.

My entire world has shifted. But when you shifted it, I was excited. I wanted to be the best mom I could be. Now your dad shifted it again. And it’s not nearly as exciting.

Do you think I should tell him? Part of me thinks he deserves to know he’s going to have a baby. But another part says I deserved to know he already had one. It still astounds me that I never noticed. It still astounds me that he managed to balance a girlfriend, wife, and baby. I never even noticed. I never thought he was neglecting me. I never thought he might be cheating.

I’ve also been feeling horrible for Melanie. Who am I to wallow in this depression while her life is being turned upside down. She’s married to him. She lives with him. Do I even deserve to feel sad? I mean, I was the other woman. I was the Jezebel that tempted a married man.

I think back to when my own father left us. That’s what my mother called the other woman. A ‘Jezebel’. Am I just as bad as her? I’m the reason another woman has to struggle like my mother did. Maybe I am a horrible person.

I haven’t told her yet. I know she’s just going to use this as a ‘teaching moment’. She's going to say she told me so. And I’m just not strong enough for that. I’m not strong enough to watch my mother see a Jezebel in me.

I’m so sorry Micah. I’m so sorry Melanie and Christine.

Love, Mom

April 20th, 2025

Dear Micah,

I haven’t written to you in a while. But my therapist called this ‘healing’. So, I promised to write at least one more entry.

Things are going better. I told my mom. She didn’t fault me like I thought she would. She hugged me and told me it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear that.

My therapist reminds me that Mitchell lied to me just as much as he lied to Melanie. And that I will have to raise a baby alone because of him too. I couldn’t have known he was married. He made sure of that.

Maybe I’ll find you a better dad. Maybe it will just be me and you. Any man I meet from now on will have to know that you are my whole world. And that’s okay. I want you so much more than anything else.

I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to grow with you.

Love, Mom

June 23rd, 2025