Public Speaking... In Fuzzy Bedroom Slippers

Public Speaking...In Fuzzy Bedroom Slippers

And the honor goes to...

“Why? How? That's what I want to know. Who's great idea was it to make me the emcee.

“I, I c-can't do it. I, I can't stand in front of a large room of people and, and t-talk. No way, no freakin' way. I w-would freak out. I, I w-would st-stumble all over the w-words. I, I w-would m-make a f-fool of myself. Who, who would want to listen to me. I c-can't w-write a speech. I, I'm not witty or f-funny. I'll only embarrass myself and ruin the whole affair for everyone. D-don't make me. P-please don't make me speak in public. It would be a nightmare. My nightmare. Everyone hates speaking in public. It is everyone's greatest fear! I, I c-can't do it.

“Thirteen boys in our class, thirteen girls in our class. Why am I the lucky one? Did I get the lowest grade on the math quiz? Draw the short straw? Get the short end of the stick? Oh, you pulled my name out of the hat. Right? As Principal, Mr. Starr, you know I am not right for this job. I am no politician. I can't talk in front of a crowd.”

“No, Mary, you were voted in as the most popular choice.”

“Most popular choice for ruining the whole honors banquet. We are supposed to be making these people feel good about their accomplishments. Not torture them.”

“It's traditional for a seventh-grader to be the emcee for the eighth-grade honors banquet. You've been chosen. It is quite an honor. You'll do fine.”

“What do I do? What do I say?”

“You introduce people, maybe tell a funny anecdote or make up a joke. You know, ab-lib a little. Read the names of the recipients of the awards. It's easy.”

“If it's so easy, why can't you do it. Why can't anyone else but me do it? It's still public speaking. You know, talking in front of people. As in 'Number One Fear'! Just ask anyone. I can't do that. No way! What jokes would I tell?”

“You have plenty of time to prepare. It's a week from Thursday.”

Oh, so simple! A week from Thursday. A week from Thursday! That's only ten days!

*~*~*~*

“Dear, sweet, Brother Bruce. You have Mr. O'Sullivan as your basketball coach don't you? Can you think of any witty anecdotes I could tell about him? I need to introduce him at the awards program.”

“You have him for Social Studies. Come up with your own story.”

“Nothing is funny about Social Studies. Surely, he is more relaxed at practices. Help! Please!”

“He crosses his arms in front of his chest to impersonate Ed Sullivan.”

*~*~*~*

“I'm trying to let my hair grow out longer, Mom. I don't think I want another permanent. It will be too kinky for the banquet.”

“You could try one of those new kind that add body but not a lot of curl, Sis. Wouldn't that make your hair easier to style? I can help you with it this weekend. What do you plan on wearing?”

“She'll have to wear one of your best dresses, Thelma.”

“You mean the two matching ones that used to be ours, Mom?”

“Yes. She has outgrown her own but one of you two older girls' dresses ought to fit her now. They are still so pretty.”

“But they are see-through sky-blue with white flocked flowers and have big full skirts with huge butterfly cap sleeves. I'll look like a bird up in the sky.”

“Wear a full white slip under it and with the wide, white cummerbund it will be very becoming. And spring-like. You girls were always so cute when you wore them all at the same time. Your Grandma was so proud. She worked so hard sewing those for you. You need to get use out of them. This will be the perfect occasion.”

“Aah, Mom. Shouldn't I look more business-like with a plain button down the front blouse and pencil-skirt? And what shoes do I have that go with something fancy?”

*~*~*~*

“Hey, Mary, you've been working so hard on that stupid speech come on outside with me and try out this new skate board that my friend Matt brought over. We're going to the school where there is the perfect hill on the sidewalk.”

“What in the world is a skate board, Bruce?”

“Well, it's a board with a skate on it. Come on you'll see.”

“It's easy. Watch!”

“Matt, you make it look easy. Okay, I'll give it a try.

“Aaahhh...aaack!!!”

“I think she did that all wrong. Your sister, Mary, is not full of grace.”

“Don't think she planned to bounce face first down on the concrete! That's a lot of blood.”

“Oh...oh. Ouch! I broke my nothe! An' bit my tongue! I need thitheth. My glatheth are buthted! I can't thee anything without them.”

*~*~*~*

“I am sorry, Hon. These are the only frames the optometrist had in stock that fit your lenses. Your new ones will take two weeks to come in.”

“They will be perfect with my new purple nothe thwelled three timeth bigger than normal. The boyth in clath already call me moothe. Now I look the part.”

*~*~*~*

“Thelma, I thought thith perm thuppothed to make thoft waveth. Thith is wiry kinkth.”

“Oops! Maybe it will relax in a day or two. But it does bring out your copper highlights.”

*~*~*~*

“Ready for the big night, Hon? Oh, you shouldn't be crying. Your eyes will be red and you'll smear the touch of mascara I just applied.”

“At leath it will be a very colorful night, Mom. I gueth the joke ith on me. I'll make them laugh all right. I am tho nervouth. My kneeth won't thop knocking.”

“Do you have your cue cards?”

“I memorithed everything: Welcome, Ladieth and Gentlemen. We have a really big thow planned tonight to honor our thpethial thothial thudieth profethor Mither O'Thullivan and hith eighth-grade clathroom at Thaint Mark'th Lutheran Thool here in Theelville, Illinoith...”

*~*~*~*

“Ah, Mither Tharr, where do you want me until time to go on thage?”

“Hi, uh, Mary... Don't you look...uh, nice tonight? What's with the lisp?”

“I bit my tongue and needed thitheth. Think people will notithe?

“I know you are juth being kind about me looking nithe. What do you like beth? The kinky, frithy hair that lookth like copper brillo padth? The thwollen purple and yellow nothe topped by thnot-green frameth on my glatheth that magnify my red crying eyeth thircled in black dripping mathcara. My thpingy thky-blue thee-through dress with flocked flowerth ready for flight. The material ith tho thiff I can't quit ithing and my thlip ith thlipping. But my detheathed Grandmother ith tho proud.

“Or, or, oh, no! Look! My thockth don't match! One hath thripeth! Yiketh thripeth! The other hath polka dotth! Big ugly, thartreuthe polka dotth! And they go all the way up to my knocking kneeth!

“But horror, of all horrorth! Bethideth thpeaking in public, it'th every one'th worthe re-occurring nightmare. I've forgotten to thange thoeth! Thee? Micky Mouthe futhy bedroom thlipperth!”