Worth It

“Let’s listen in as Stacy calls her boyfriend and confronts him about these cheating allegations.”

“Here today, gone tomorrow! You don’t want to miss out on these unbeatable prices, so hurry on down to our Ford dealership!”

“Just stop your crying, it’s a sign of the times. We’ve gotta get away from here . . .”

Rather than continuing to shuffle back and forth through the endless cacophony of radio chatter and the mournful tones of Harry’s depressing ballad, I turn the volume knob down to zero. Sometimes, silence is best. I decide to focus instead on counting down the miles to my destination. 78 miles down, 233 to go.

The scenery doesn’t provide much of a distraction either. Mostly, because it’s too dark out to see. But even if it were visible, I’d still just be looking at a never-ending stretch of highway, surrounded by nothing but acres and acres of farmland and pastures. God’s country, what a sight.

I sigh in boredom and find myself fidgeting with the steering wheel cover. This is going to be a long drive.

I didn’t even want to take this drive in the first place. If it were up to me, I’d be laying in bed right now, all set to sleep in until noon. But thanks to one unexpected late-night message, here I am. I think that’s what bothers me the most. All it took was one text from him to convince me to drop everything and drive five hours through the night. It wasn’t even a good text.

“U up? I need u. Please. Come quick.” It was followed by an address.

That’s all I got. He didn’t even have the courtesy to spell ‘you’ correctly. I tried getting more information, but he didn’t respond to any of my follow-up texts or phone calls. Who sends a text like that at two in the morning and then just stops responding?

I really considered going back to bed and following up with him in the morning. That’s what I should have done. If I were anyone else, that’s what I would’ve done. After all, the last time I’d heard from him was six months ago, and that was just to send me a random picture of his dog.

But I’m not anyone else. I’m pathetic. So what did I do? I opted for delusion.

I decided to pretend this was the long-awaited, hopefully-more-romantic-than-it-sounds booty call, the one where he professes that he realized how badly he needs me in his life, and not just as friends. Obviously, I had to dress for the occasion. After all, aren’t they always saying you should dress for the role you want? Apparently, my version of the Girlfriend Role involves jeans and a distressed Tom Petty tee. I was going for cool and aloof, but in retrospect, I think it just looks like I was sleeping in this shirt and threw on jeans before heading out the door. Too late to do anything about it now.

I take a quick peek at my phone to check the map. Nothing’s changed, except that I’m now 30 miles closer. My green text icon hasn’t changed either. Still no new texts. The suspense is killing me. I was always stupidly eager to see him in the past, but this is different. I’m not giddy in anticipation, I’m fraught with fear that something could be seriously wrong. What if he’s in the hospital right now and that’s why he can’t answer me back?

Thinking about that leads me to think about the last time I saw him before he’d moved away. We’d already had a going-away party for him, and I was working on accepting the fact that I’d probably never see him again. We mostly hung out in group settings, so I didn’t expect him to make any special trips just for me. If I was lucky, maybe we’d reconnect at a future party or something, but I doubted it. It was a week after the party and I was lying in a hospital bed, recovering from an unexpected appendectomy, so I had plenty of time to dwell on my sorrows.

And then suddenly, I saw him. It was so quick I almost missed it, but there he was, walking past the door to my hospital room carrying flowers. I thought I might have hallucinated him, maybe as a side-effect of the drugs I was on. I called out his name, and sure enough, he turned around and walked into the room. He looked surprised to see me there, so my fleeting hope that those flowers were for me quickly disappeared. It turns out he was checking in on a sick grandparent before making his official exit out of town that day.

We chatted for a few minutes about nothing in particular. At the time, I was too distracted by the heart-rate monitor going off next to me to pay any attention to the conversation. I just kept hoping he couldn’t hear how much faster it was beeping since he’d walked into the room. The nurse finally came in to check on me, and he said his farewell and departed. It took a few more minutes for my heartbeat to regulate, but I assured the nurse I was fine.

That’s how it always seemed to be with us. Every moment we were in a room together felt charged with electricity. There didn’t have to be anything particularly magical about a moment, but it was magical because he was in it. And just like in that hospital room, I usually felt like my feelings were on full display before him, yet he remained a complete mystery to me. Did he feel the electricity too? I couldn’t just be imagining the way his eyes lit up whenever he saw me. And every time he greeted me, it always involved a big bear hug where he’d pull me close and lift me off the ground (present memory excluded, since I had been stuck in a hospital bed at the time).

Why would he do that if he didn’t feel something? But then, why hadn’t anything happened between us before he left? After all, we’d been regularly in each other’s lives for the past three years. Three years of pining and waiting for a phone call, a text, a word, a certain glance, anything. But it never came.

So I did my best to accept it and be grateful for the fact that he was in my life at all. Something is better than nothing, I’d tell myself. Every time we hung out and he gave me that special smile, the one that was just for me, I’d take that image back home with me and live off of it for days or weeks or months at a time, however long it was until I saw him again. And then he walked out that hospital door, and I told myself that was it. Maybe now that he was hours away, I could finally let him go.

Maybe, if I just hadn’t gotten that text.

I find myself gripping the steering wheel a little harder at the thought, doing my best not to pull out my hair. Stupid, stupid girl. When will you ever learn?

But why would he text me for help and not someone who lived closer, unless he needed me specifically? It’s not like I had any special skillsets that no one else could provide. Maybe this is the text I had been waiting for. Maybe it’s finally happening.

It’s not much, and I know I’m stupid to hope after all this time. But to someone drowning in the ocean, a simple little flotation device is everything. Well, this is my life saver, and it’s all that I’ve got, so I’ll cling to it for dear life. I end up spending the rest of the drive imagining the look of gratitude on his face and thinking of all the things we’ll say to one another.

The last few hours go quick, and before I know it, I find myself parked outside his house. It’s nothing special, just a three-bedroom little bungalow he’s renting with two roommates. They wanted a place where they could throw parties and have friends over during semester breaks, so they chose a house in a more secluded area surrounded by trees instead of neighbors. Out here, you could be as loud as you wanted and get no complaints. This was my first time seeing the place, but I decided it had a very Cabin-in-the-Woods kind of vibe. Not my style, but to each their own.

I step out of the car, my foot crunching on the gravel driveway. The scent of pine trees is overwhelming, and it’s almost completely quiet, except for the playful melodies of a few early birds starting their day. It’s actually kind of peaceful out here. I close my eyes for a moment and feel the sun’s rays shining through the forest and onto my face.

I’m here. I’m really here. Right outside his house. Oh god, what was I thinking? I suddenly feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake. Maybe it’s not too late to get in the car and just turn back around. My hand is still resting on the handle as I weigh my options, when I hear a door open and two guys come walking out the side of the house carrying trash. One of them is tall and doing his best to rock a man-bun, while the other one is shorter, with a goatee that he probably thinks makes him look older. It doesn’t.

They must be his roommates. I stand perfectly still, hoping they won’t look this way if I don’t make a sound. They seem pretty engaged in their conversation, so I might have a chance to slip away. I don’t know why, but no version I’d imagined of this encounter involved having spectators. No matter why I was asked to come out here, I really don’t need witnesses.

But apparently that’s just what I’m going to get, because one of them drops something before heading back into the house, and it’s at that moment he looks up and sees me standing awkwardly next to my car like some weird stalker.

“Uhh, hey. Can we help you?” Goatee asks. Man-Bun comes back out when he hears his friend.

“What did you say dude? Oh. Hey.” Then they both just look at me, waiting for me to respond. They’re probably wondering why a woman would willingly show up in the woods in front of two strange men she doesn’t know, especially after that whole Man vs. Bear debate.

I clear my throat and do my best to appear poised and not at all uncomfortable. “Um, is Eric here? It’s just, I got a text from him saying something about needing help? He does live here, right?”

One of them still looks a bit clueless. He probably hasn’t fully woken up yet. But the other one’s eyes light up in sudden understanding.

“Oh, no way! Dude,” he says as he elbows Man-Bun. “She’s the girl you texted from Eric’s phone last night. Remember? It was right after we finished that bong and you said you were bored and wanted me to give you a dare.”

The lights appear to turn on in Man-Bun’s brain, and he starts laughing along with Goatee at their prank.

“Oh yeah! You said to text the first girl I found on Eric’s phone and beg her to come over. Except then his friggin’ phone died and you didn’t believe I’d done it because nobody ever showed up. Well, what did I tell you? Did I deliver or what?” They give each other high fives and then continue laughing, like it’s the funniest thing they’d ever heard.

I just stand there, rooted to the spot. For a brief moment, it’s like I’m not even there. I’m just an invisible observer hanging above the scene, watching this poor girl become consumed in complete and utter humiliation. I think the guys forget about me for a second, too wrapped up in their own comedic skills.

It’s not too late. I could get in my car now and peel out of here without saying another word. I have no doubt they’ll tell Eric the first chance they get, but I don’t have to be here to see it. That’s pretty much the only option open to me.

I open the car door and put one foot in while the boys are still doubled over in laughter. But of course, the universe won’t let me get away that easy. Where’s the fun in that? As my foot touches down on the floor of my car, a third voice comes from inside the house, and my body instinctively freezes.

“What could possibly be so funny out here? You losers aren’t still high, are you?”

And just like that, there he is. His hair is a little tousled, and he’s dressed pretty casually in sweats and a t-shirt, but it’s him. Eric. He’s rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he steps outside, and then he looks over and sees me. And he smiles.

“Whoa, hey girl! What’s up? Long time no see!” He walks right through any barrier of awkwardness that existed only a moment ago and comes over and wraps me up in a big hug. It always seems to come so easy to him, just doing whatever comes into his head without a care in the world.

I can’t help but smile as I return the embrace.

“Hey Eric! Yeah, great to see you. Love the new place, but I’m sorry if I woke you guys up.”

“Oh, no worries! But now that you mention it, what brings you here?”

I hear snickers from the peanut gallery as my smile turns more sheepish. My cheeks must be bright red.

“Oh, just a small misunderstanding. I thought I got a text from you saying you needed help, but it’s all good.”

“Right on.” He nods as if this is all totally plausible. “Wait, you didn’t drive all the way from home did you?”

Yes you idiot, I want to say. Don’t you know how I feel about you by now? Does me driving hundreds of miles for you not make it obvious enough? How dense can you be?

That’s what I want to say, that and more. Instead I settle for a lie.

“No, god no. I was just outside of town, visiting a friend . . named Stacy. She just broke up with her boyfriend. He was cheating on her.” Thank God for talk radio.

“Is she hot?” Man-Bun calls from the porch.

“Woah dude. Not cool.” Goatee chimes in. “Didn’t you hear her say she just broke up with her boyfriend? Give it a day at least. Unless you want her crying all over you.”

Eric rolls his eyes at the idiocy of his friends, and we share a private laugh. I love his laugh. And the way the corners of his eyes scrunch up when he’s smiling. And the soft blue-green color of those eyes.

And I need to leave. I can’t stand it anymore, not being able to reach out and grab his hand, to tell him how important he is to me, to say everything I’ve wanted to say for the last three years. The futility of the situation has become crushingly undeniable, and I just need to get as far away as I can.

He seems to sense a shift in the air, and he steps back from the car to give me some space.

“Well, I should probably get back to my friend. She might start to wonder where I am.” I decide to make it easy on him and be the one to excuse myself. He plays along and tells me to drive safe, and I start to wonder why I thought life would work out differently for me this time. I get back into the car and buckle my seat belt.

How could I still have held out hope for this boy, this dream? Was it really worth it to drive all the way out here just for this? I throw the car into reverse and prepare to back out of the driveway.

But then I decide that no, it’s not enough, not for me. I’m already here. What more damage could I possibly do to give it one more chance? I roll down the window, opening a final line of communication to him.

“Hey, I was thinking, since I’m going to be in town for the day, why don’t we grab a coffee later?”

“Yeah, sure,” he responds casually, like it doesn’t matter one way or another to him. “I’ll hit you up later, maybe we can meet up.”

“Tell her to bring Stacy!” Man-Bun shouts. Goatee punches him on the shoulder. “Ow!”

I throw out an eye roll of my own and we leave it at that. As I back out of the driveway, I wave goodbye to Eric and allow myself to soak up one last image of him. It might have to last me the whole drive home later.

So, was it worth it? I consider how likely he is to reach out to me later, and I try to picture us meeting up again, this time one-on-one, maybe at a cute little bistro somewhere. He’ll hold the door open for me and our feet will accidentally touch as we’re sitting at the table. Our eyes will meet, and that feeling will click into place, and we’ll just know.

Was it worth it? Yes, I think so. I think for me it was. It’s hard to feel hungry when you’re feeding on hope, even if it is just imaginary.

I plug a nearby location into my phone where I can sit and wait, for a call, a text, whatever I can get.