Second Place is First Loser

INTRODUCTION:

Everyone searches for value and self-worth. And while our worth really isn’t something we should tally by success, a little winning goes a long way. Is it so much to ask, to just win once in a while?

Each time that I challenge myself to compete, the effort is always lauded as amazing, but also "just not quite good enough to win"…

SECOND PLACE IS FIRST LOSER:

I still remember the first time I competed, and it wasn’t really a “competition” per se’.

Our second-grade class was putting on a play. I was excited because it was “Sleeping Beauty” and I hoped I had a fair shot at the lead. It was so important to get that role because the prince had already been chosen, Jeff Harper.

All the girls had a crush on him. He had almost amber eyes, wreathed in a mottled line of brownish-reddish-gold that reminded me of autumn. He had freckles, but not many, and a ready smile. Oh yeah. I just had to be Sleeping Beauty.

We’d been creating sets for weeks, so I had the time of my life. My teacher encouraged my work, which meant the world to me because I was putting in serious time on it at home, too.

When the audition for Sleeping Beauty came up, mom sent me to school in ugly brown pants. I had gotten up early, picked out my best maxi-length dress and put ribbons in my hair. My mother didn't want me dirtying up the dress on the playground, so she pulled out an average pant outfit and told me to get over it.

All the other girls wore long dresses, and their mothers did their hair. My mother would have too, if she hadn't had a three-hour show and a 4-hour drive home the night before. She’d forgotten about the auditions and was so busy trying to shove me out the door so she could sleep, that I didn’t even get to tell her. I was disappointed when I got to the school and the other moms had come to watch, but I decided to make the best of it.

Technically, the audition for Sleeping Beauty was pretty easy. First, we danced to some fairy-like music, which was fun because I got to use my ballet lessons, and then we had to speak a couple short lines to the teacher, who was filling in as the witch. She wasn’t scary to me, so it was hard to act afraid, but I read more evenly and “in character” than the others, so I thought I had a shot at it.

Then Gloria Gonzales auditioned. Her English wasn’t very good, but she was so pretty, no one cared. Her eyes were like dark chocolate, and her shiny brown hair was very long and wavy. She had naturally caramel colored skin and all the boys liked her. She wore a long, light blue dress with a chiffon outer layer, and looked like a Sleeping Beauty to me. Naturally, they gave her the role.

The teacher told the rest of us not to feel down, that there were plenty of roles left. She needed a bunch of trolls and a raven… and a wicked witch.

She asked me to audition for the part of the witch on the following morning, but I told her I didn’t want to.

Unfortunately, when I told my mother about my day, she wouldn’t let me out of it. She teased my hair the next morning, put some lines on my face with an eyebrow pencil and then dressed me in a black dress. I was embarrassed, but the teacher made a big deal out of the effort, so I did my best.

The dance music had kind of a spinning, whirring sound like the “Flight of the Bumblebee” but less busy. Gloria’s job was to lie down on the teacher’s desk, and I was to dance around her pretending to put a spell on her. The way it was explained to me was, I had to act like I really hated her; had to turn circles, dance, jump in the air and sling my hands toward her as though throwing magic at her. I remember thinking, ‘Wow… Mrs. Smith is REALLY into this!’.

Mom sat at the back of the classroom, holding a cup of coffee she’d brought from the house. Her purse, the black one with the gold chain for a strap, was slung over her chair. I won’t ever forget it. She wore black slacks, and a gold V-neck sweater that was way too tight to wear to your kid’s school, but she looked like a million bucks with her legs crossed and her witch-style pumps on.

As the teacher was about to roll the record, I looked at my mom and she gave me this crazy look, almost to say, ‘show ‘em how it’s done baby’. She winked, the music started, and I lost my mind.

I can’t even tell you how I let that music carry me, floating from one note to the other as though I could really fly. Every time the music hit a crescendo, I would hop into a pirouette, spin and “cast hands” toward Gloria.

I got the part. My mother came and picked me up after school to celebrate. After washing the marks off my face, she took me for ice cream. Happy that I got the role of the witch, mom said Sleeping Beauty was too small a role, just basically lying around waiting for some prince. She was excited that as the witch, I actually got to do some acting and I know she meant what she said, because my dad’s entire family came to see the play.

I danced so hard that day that my hat repeatedly tried to come off my head. I had to keep catching it to make it look purposeful so, just before the music ended, I tossed it into the crowd. It landed on some little kid's head and totally sent the other children off the deep end screaming. My parents laughed their heads off.

I actually got the most applause when I came out to bow at the end and my teacher referred to the improvisations often during the rest of the year, as “brilliant”.

As an adult, I feel like I should know that day was actually a win, but in my little 8-year-old heart, it didn’t feel like it at the time. Jeff Harper was holding hands with Gloria Gonzales when they bowed and the world fell away from me as I watched, caught in a brief frozen moment of soul crushing pain until my dad picked me up. I had no way of knowing that Jeff had a crush on me and would be at my birthday party in a couple weeks, to give me a necklace that I still have in my jewelry box to this day. So... I stood there taking the accolades and applause, feeling like a loser.