Goodbye Sunshine

He struck her lighter repeatedly in his swimsuit pocket while waiting. A knot had formed in his chest and a pit in his stomach hours ago. Summer had come and gone, and the beach house had become home. Leaning left to look around the family, he caught sight of her in her red polo. How did she look that good in a burger place uniform.

He couldn’t say everything right then, but the conversation needed to start somewhere. A text didn’t feel right. He shook his head to clear his mind. His long curly hair fell onto his broad shoulders.

Last summer he had noticed her. She had never noticed him. Could he blame her? He was pale, lanky, and painfully awkward. His voice hadn't decided on a pitch yet. Hidden inside an old hoodie, he never went farther than the shoreline. She…she was a goddess. Tan, toned, fully developed. She ran into the surf in blue bikini bottoms and a white sun shirt before diving onto her board and paddling out. This year his frame had filled out with lean muscle, and his voice had settled into a baritone. When her eyes met his, he knew she'd finally seen him.

She looked up from the register, handing the customer back their card with a smile. Her eyes moved down the line until they found him. Her smile widened. She gave a small wave with girlish excitement. He returned a toothless smile to hide his braces, and a smaller, less enthusiastic wave before looking around to make sure no one saw him.

The family ahead of him finished their order and carried their screaming toddler to a table. Finally, he was in front of her. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. She stared at him, waiting, as he raked his mind for the words he needed. He found one.

“Hey.”

“Hey Sunshine, are you going to order, or are you just here to see me?”

“Uh, both, I guess. Uh… yeah… uh.”

“Do you want to meet up tonight?”

“Uh, yeah. Actually, yeah, I do.”

“Sweet. I got some bud from Tommy. Want to meet at our spot when I get off?”

“Uh, yeah. Sounds good.”

“Great. See you then, Babe, and be sure to tap your card and answer the question it’s going to ask you.”

The credit card his dad gave him tapped on the reader. Fifty percent tip. She blew him a kiss. Blushing, he stepped aside. A growing feeling of dread filled his chest. They called his number, but he couldn’t eat. He tossed the bag in the trash as soon as he left.

Their spot wasn’t anything special. Just a little patch of sand hidden behind the dunes and beach grass. After surfing or beachcombing, they would end up there, holding hands, laughing, and dreaming. They would lie in the sand while the sun dried the saltwater on their skin. At night, they would return to watch the stars. Her head rested beside his, the only light other than the night sky was the glowing cherry of the joint they passed between them.

This was where he'd been happiest. Here he opened his heart and confessed his dreams, his fears, and aspirations. The place he had gotten his first kiss, and a little more. He was never sure if it had been her first too. She'd seemed more experienced. He didn't like thinking about it. It didn’t matter anyway, summer was over. This spot would remain here but next year it wouldn’t be theirs.

The sun slipped behind the beach houses as the waves lapped at the shore. The beach was nearly empty. The lifeguards had left hours ago and the last of the tourists were shaking sand from their towels.

He burned little pieces of beach grass and mumbled under his breath all the things he had been rehearsing to tell her. The it’s not you it’s me, the I just want you to be happy, the I just can’t be in a committed relationship. More excuses came; he examined each one. He kept the ones he liked. The rest he tossed like broken shells into the ocean.

Her lighter went back to his hoodie pocket. A long breath in, and a longer one out. Eyes closed, he listened to the waves. Their rhythm cleansed him of his worries. It’s going to be ok.

When he opened his eyes, she was so close he could make out her smile and her sky-blue eyes. He never heard her coming. She always materialized like something from a dream. His heart raced again and the pit in his stomach grew tighter.

“Hey Sunshine!” she called out waving two paper cups as she wiggled her body under the hoodie. It was the one she had been borrowing since they first started hanging out. As she raised the cups, a flash of blue caught his eye. He wondered if her top matched the bottoms. Stop. You need to tell her. This wasn't the time.

When she finally reached him, she took a long sip from her drink and held the other out to him. When he reached for it, she jerked it back.

“Mmm, mmm” she hummed before swallowing. “This is going to cost you one kiss Rich Boy.”

“Where do you want it?” He smirked.

“Oh, look who is confident now that we’re alone. Let’s start with my lips, and if you’re good, maybe you can work your way down.” She plopped down on the dune next to him, leaned over for her payment, and handed him the cup.

He took a pull on the straw and could taste the rum and Coke. The taste always reminded him of her lips. He wondered if it always would. They sat together in silence, her head on his shoulder, both staring out at the water. The darkness grew with the sun setting behind them.

Both of his hands were tight around the cup. He focused on the waves, focused on not looking at her. She stroked the soft hairs on his shin, lightly scratching the skin with her chipped nails. He swallowed some of his fear and took another sip for courage. With a cough, he began.

“Umm, Babe.”

“Mhm.” She purred.

“Umm, Babe, you know I like you a lot, right?”

“Mhm.” She hummed and nuzzled her head deeper into his shoulder, continuing the caressing circles on his leg.

“And, uh, you know that, well uh...”

“What happened to the confidence, Honey? Mmm, is someone watching?”

“What? Uh, no.” Blood rushed to his face; he felt grateful for the darkness.

“Oh? That’s good then.” Her hand slid up his thigh in the dark. It sent a shiver up his spine and got the attention of another part of his anatomy.

“Uh, no!” His voice cracked, and he felt his ears get hot as he sprang to his feet.

“What the hell, Babe?” Her voice was confused and spiked with anger from bruised pride.

He stood in the darkness and looked at her, now a shadow alone on the dune. He couldn’t see her face, but felt her eyes on him.

“Sorry, sorry, I overreacted. It’s just, uh, I need to tell you something.” The sand shifted under him, and he had to wrench his body to keep from falling. This was already much more embarrassing than he had imagined.

“Lindsy, you know I like you.”

“Now I’m starting to doubt it a little, Oliver.”

She never used his name, and he never used hers.

“Lindsy, I really like you, and I, uh, I really have enjoyed this summer, and, uh, yeah, I just wanted to tell you tha—”

“Oh…”

“Oh?”

“Oliver, Baby, sit down.”

“No, I need to tell you tha—”

“Oooliverrr, sit down. I need to tell you something. I don’t want you to get hurt,” she said in her sweetest voice

Me get hurt?

He stood as a shadow in the moonlight, looking down at her silhouette. Then, with caution, he took his spot beside her again. He felt her fingers fit between his. She shifted her body to face him. He couldn’t see her face and tried to focus on remaining cool while he waited for what was coming next.

“Look, Oliver, you’re great. I really like hanging out with you, but, Babe, this is just a summer fling. I don’t love you, and you don’t love me.”

Silence.

“Wait, no. This isn't just a fling.”

“Yes, Babe, yes, it is.”

He searched for words. Everything he'd rehearsed vanished.

“No, I have, uh, feelings, uh, for you, uh, you know?”

“Yeah, I do too. Trust me, you are so amazing, but it’s the end of the season. I’m a local. You’re a snowbird.”

“But… we could…”

“Yeah, we could, but what’s the point of that? So, can we both get jealous and mad and miss one another? Oli, Babe, My Sunshine, let’s just not do all that, okay?”

“But, uh, well, you were my first.” He could feel the heat on his face and regretted saying it the moment it left his lips.

“That makes me so happy. I’m glad I could be...” She stopped herself. “It was a lot of fun.”

I knew it.

“I wish I didn’t have to go.”

“But you do.”

“You’re lucky you get to be here year-round.”

“You only think that because you get to leave.”

“Want to trade?”

“God, no.” She laughed. “I'll take the waves and bud over a crew cut and marching any day.”

He smiled with full braces. He was going to miss her and this place, these little moments in the sand outside their nest.

“Do they have girls at this school?”

“I don’t know, it’s not the real Army, and a lot of families want their kids to go, so, maybe.”

“Well… let me send you off with something just in case they don’t.” She took his hand and guided him into the nest. Their shadows became one in the moonlight. Their clothes landed on the beach grass. They didn't care about what they had just confessed, or the hurt that tomorrow would bring. Now was all that mattered.

Her tangled hair rested on his sweaty bare stomach. He combed his fingers through her hair releasing the knots, sand, and bits beach grass. They were little more than shadows beneath the night sky. She rolled over, kissed his belly button, and used the light of her phone to pull on his hoodie. Then she was gone. He lay alone and listened to the waves.

The next week passed in a blur of long, painful days. He avoided the beach. He avoided anywhere he might see her. They packed up the family car. He submitted to sitting in the back seat after a failed negotiation to drive. The leather stuck to his thighs and the window was warm against his head. A hemp-and-shell bracelet circled his wrist. He rubbed his thumb over the coarse cord as he watched the world change from dunes to pines.