Wax/Off

“I’m going to start this confession as plainly as I can: if you can think of a better way to rob a wax museum, I am ALL ears.”

The arresting officer cocked his head back in the front seat of the police cruiser, glancing at the man behind him in a full Elvis Presley outfit.

There was no way it was going to be THAT easy.

“So that’s it? That’s a confession then?” he asked the suspect in the back seat.

The man in the back of the cruiser raised his arms, the bedazzled sequins jangling off his jacket with every movement.

“Buddy, take one look at me.” he gestured to himself, his gelled black hair remaining perfectly in place as he spoke. “I just met you, and I already respect you too much to try and lie to you about this. You caught me dressed as the King of Rock and Roll INSIDE Madame Sinclaire’s Wax Emporium. That’s about as red-handed as you can get. Sure, count this as a confession, Officer…?”

“Call me Harry,” the officer responded. “And you’re Mr. Presley I assume?”

“Something like that,” the man in the back seat said as he lowered his arms, his sparkling pink sunglasses barely staying attached to his head. “But call me Dan.”

The cop car continued down the dark streets, the bright lights of downtown Niagara Falls slowly giving way to long stretches of highway.

“Alright, Dan. Feel like walking me through what you were up to tonight? And what the hell I just pulled you out from?”

Dan fidgeted in the backseat, running his hand through his hair. The mountain of black locks cracked, strands shooting to the sides in stringy clumps matted with gel and hairspray.

“What you just pulled me out of was the greatest heist I’ve ever planned.”

“A heist…at Madame Sincliare’s?” Officer Harry clarified. “We’re talking about the same place, right? Celebrity wax figures? Movie props? That Sinclaire’s? How much cash could have been on the premise?”

Dan chuckled, the glow from the overhead highway lights reflecting in his sunglasses.

“Cash…please, you’re stuck in the 90’s. 99% of ticket sales at any of these tourist traps will be Visa or MasterCard. You’d have better luck robbing the vending machine outside if cash was what you were after.

Dan leaned forward, a twinkle visible in his eye beneath the sparkling sunglasses.

“You seen any posters for The Wax Emporium lately?” he asked. “Any big events?”

“Can’t say I come down this way often.” Harry responded, eyes on the road. “Just happenstance I was here tonight.”

“What, you don’t get social media either?” Dan snorted. “Big Wizard of Oz exhibit, that’s what was going on. Costumes, wax figures, original movie props. The works.”

Harry waited for the Elvis in the backseat to continue. He didn’t; instead, he sat there with an expression as if he'd just revealed the location of El Dorado.

“And?” The officer finally asked.

“And? Man, they don’t teach you to have an eye for scores at the academy, eh? They had on display the crown jewel of movie props there. The famous Ruby Slippers.”

A pregnant pause filled the air, Harry eyeing the man in the back seat through the rearview mirror.

“You know they aren’t real ru-“

“Yes I know they aren’t real rubies.” Dan blurted, annoyed. “You gotta think about the collectors. It’s like any one-of-a-kind art. You sell stolen goods to one eccentric collector, they hold onto it for a few years, show their friends, it gets passed around, then you work with a crooked investigator to say they just found it in a pawn shop.”

Harry nodded a long, unsure with the viability of that plan, but more than willing to let the man in the backseat keep running his mouth.

“I’m still waiting for where Elvis fits into this.”

Dan smirked and leaned back into the seat with a proud expression.

“See, here’s where the brilliance comes in. Two-man job. One picks out an exhibit that they can best replicate. I’ve always had a soft spot for the Memphis Flash, and luckily enough for me, they had an ‘Elvis through the ages’ exhibit, meaning I could find a suitable wax figure that fit my figure.” He said with a proud slap of the gut. “I’m not looking to be a poor man’s Elvis here. I take pride in my work.

“Uh huh.” Harry nodded, attention half on the road.

“Then it's as simple as paying off the security camera operator and waiting for a quiet time to make the swap,” Dan continued. “My partner quickly did away with the wax figure while I got changed in the bathroom, and then it was just a matter of standing perfectly still until closing time. You even get your picture taken with some tourists. Honestly, it was probably my second or third most fun heist I’ve pulled.”

Harry pondered whether he should ask about the first most fun heist, but restrained himself.

“And then, what? You sneak through the exhibit when then the Emporium is closed and nab the ruby shoes?”

“See, now you’re thinking like a crook.” Dan said with an almost proud look in his eye. “And as I said, perfectly planned, but with one hiccup.”

“I figured as much, seeing as you're sitting in the back of my cruiser now.”

“We’ll get to you shortly, stop interrupting.” Dan snapped. “See, I thought it was suspicious how easy it was to bribe the security camera operator, he didn’t haggle or nothing. But now it’s after hours, and I start to make my move. As I’m sneaking through, I see the light from a security guard round the corner, and I freeze in whatever closest exhibit I found. Turns out it was Marilyn Monroe, so at least the visual kind of worked. Fooled the guard if nothing else. “

“I’m sure you were very convincing,” Harry said, unsure himself if he was being sincere.

“Three and a half years of community theatre prepared me for this role, mamma,” Dan said in a deepened voice. “But anyways, as I’m frozen in place next to Ms. Monroe, I notice something peculiar in the exhibit across the hall. You had the Brady Bunch sitting around the dinner table as they always do, smiles wide, enjoying each other’s company and whatnot. And standing next to Mr. Brady was none other than Darth Vader, like he was part of the family all along.”

“Huh,” Harry pondered. “Some kind of crossover exhibit?”

“ Crossover nothing. Turns out, me and my partner weren’t the only ones who had this brilliant idea- this guy in the Darth Vader outfit had the exact same plan as me! No originality in con-men these days I tell you.”

“Man, who would have thought?” Harry said, trying to mask his sarcastic tone.

“So the guard passes, and both myself and Mr. Vader start to sneak towards the Oz exhibit, stealthily trying to push things into the way of the other to slow their progress. Just when I had gotten Vader tangled in a well-placed stanchion, did I look up and see Amelia Earhart creeping in front of me. Turns out, this is why it was so easy to bribe the security camera operator – he had accepted bribes from what must have been a dozen of us. “

“Wow, you weren’t kidding about the holy grail.” Harry whistled, impressed. “And you all had the same idea on how to steal these shoes?”

“As I said, if you can think of a better way to rob a wax museum, you’re in the wrong line of work. So anyway, we’re all sneaking through the museum, with more and more of us crooks coming out of the woodwork. And every time a security guard would pass, we’d all freeze in whatever display we were closest to. You had Robocop having tea with Queen Elizabeth. Voldemort playing defence against Larry Bird. Mr. Rogers in a poker game with James Bond. Thematically it was a mess.”

“And that was what I walked in on, right?” Harry interjected, trying to cut to the end of the story.

“Close. See, we all managed to make it to the Oz exhibit at the same time, and THAT’S when all notion of stealth went out the window. Big brawl started. It looked like it was Mother Terressa who threw the first elbow, but there was damned near a dozen of us swinging at one another. I think one of the the security guards got caught up in the melee as well, but honestly it might just have been Paul Blart. And THAT’s when we heard the police siren from outside the side window, and before I knew it, you had hauled me in here.”

Dan gestured out the window as he spoke. The tall cityscape had disappeared, leaving a long stretch of highway to either side of the cruiser.

“I gotta say, one of my more memorable arrests in my career,” Harry conceded with almost a glint of admiration. “So any idea what managed to happen to the slippers?”

“I know exactly what happened to the slippers,” Dan answered with a sigh. From underneath one of his jacket's many tassels, he pulled out a bedazzled bag that had perfectly camouflaged with the flamboyant outfit. “I won. After everything was said, who else comes out on top than ol’ Dan? Guess I just wanted it more. Which is exactly why I’m telling you all this.”

“Oh?” Harry eyed the bag suspiciously.

“I don’t want to be the only one going down just because I got caught with the loot. There are at least twelve other lunatics out there who did the exact same thing as me, but weren’t as lucky in the end.” Dan looked around the back of the car. “Or unlucky, I guess.“

Harry laughed, unsure what the man in the back was suggesting.

“So what, you want me to turn around and go and round up the rest of the crooks? No honour among thieves eh?”

“No honour, but plenty of pettiness.” Dan admitted without an ounce of shame. “Look, I got punched in the face by an Oompa Loompa this evening, you’re damn right I want you to go and grab the rest of them. Why should I be the only one to suffer?”

Harry watched Mr. Presley carefully in the rearview mirror, then signaled to turn onto the offramp.

“Good man!” Dan exclaimed, “Trust me, you bring in a whole paddy wagon of these guys, and you’ll be a local hero.

“If it helps clean up the streets of you weirdos, that’s good enough for me.”

The two drove silently back into town, pulling up a short block away from the original crime scene. Harry tilted his head back to the perp in the back seat.

“Here’s the plan. You get out and see if you can round up as many of your ‘friends’ as possible, and tell them to meet in that park.” He gestured to a small clearing between buildings. “You help me round up the rest of them, maybe we can go easy on you.”

“A man after my own heart.” Dan remarked as the back door unlocked. He grabbed the handle.

“Ah, ah.” Harry interrupted. “Leave the shoes.”

Dan paused with his palm on the handle. He sighed and leaned away from the door.

“Of course, wouldn’t dream of booking it with the goods. You don’t deserve that.” He said, with an air of exaggerated sincerity, and dropped the bag with the Ruby Slippers into the back seat.

“Exactly,” Harry said as Dan left the car. “No one wants to do anyone dirty here.”

Dan stepped out into the cold air, mentally reviewing his options, and this stroke of luck he finally found himself in. He could just make a break for it, he thought. What would be the chance that Harry would be able to find him after he changed his outfit?

He took a couple of steps forward, then paused.

No one wants to do anyone dirty here.

Dirty.

Why was that word sticking in his mind?

The epiphany immediately dawned on Dan, but it was already too late. He turned and finally got a better look at the driver of the police cruiser. The man in the front seat looked back at Dan with an exaggerated squinting expression and an ill-fitting brown wig.

A poor man’s Clint Eastwood.

“You son of a—it was a prop car!” Dan yelled as he darted back toward the cruiser. ‘Harry’ gave a slight nod at the King of Rock and Roll as the car started to accelerate away.

“You’re right, I don’t deserve it,” Harry replied with an artificial growl through the open window. “But remember, deserves got nothin’ to do with it.”

“That’s not even the right movie!” Dan hollered as the lights from the cruiser gradually disappeared into the night.