When Private Stakes Collide

When Private Stakes Collide.

The Condon family had just lost Harold, Joan’s husband and Debbie and Brian’s father. He had suffered from lung cancer due to smoking for several years. Brian suggested that they have a Wake in Joan’s home before the funeral. This would give their family and friends the chance to say goodbye and support each other at this difficult time. Joan agreed with her son’s suggestion, and they started the preparations for the Wake. They invited five close family members and ten friends to the Wake and everyone accepted the invitation. The Funeral Home would prepare the body, using the embalming process to preserve the body before the funeral and transport it in the coffin to Joan’s home for the Wake.

Harold’s family and friends gathered at his home to say a fond goodbye. They went to the coffin and stood in a line. Harold was dressed in his favourite suit which he had worn at his wedding, fifty-six years ago. He folded it and put it in a storage bag, and this was the first time he had worn it since the wedding, and it was still the perfect fit. Debbie remembered her father’s weight loss when he started smoking and the deterioration in his health as he changed from regularly exercising in the gym to sitting on the back verandah smoking and talking to his pet dog Lacey who always accepted the person he had become. After paying their respects at the coffin, the guests sat down at the dining room table for a delicious meal.

Everyone was talking about Harold and the memories he had left behind. Joan shared one time of many when she had burst out laughing. They had been having dinner at a local club and Harold went to the toilet. When he came out, he stood in front of a couple at the bar, and the lady patted him on the shoulder. He turned around thinking that they were someone he knew. He had never met them before, and he was totally embarrassed when they pointed to the back of his trousers and told him he had a piece of toilet paper attached to the waist. It could have been worse if it hadn’t been clean. Joan had seen the encounter and after Harold sat down with her, he saw the funny side and they started laughing. Harold had a sense of humour, and he could laugh at himself and after the guests had heard this story, they remembered the times he had shared funny stories with them. The family and friends started talking in pairs and small groups.

Two cousins who were sitting next to each other started to talk about their experiences with Harold. Julie said “Harold was always kind to me when I visited and we shared many stories of our travels, overseas. He told me about meeting a couple they had never met before and found out they lived a few streets away from them. We both agreed it is a small world.” Trevor shook his head and frowned at Julie. He said sternly, “You never knew the real Harold. He presented to everyone as a kind loving man who got on with everyone. I met the real Harold who was yelling at someone on the phone when I came for a visit to find out why he had threatened to take me to court over a trumped-up charge.” Julie wanted the Wake to be an opportunity for family members and friends to honour Harold’s memory and Trevor wanted to dishonour him with fabricated stories. Julie was convinced that Trevor was making this up and stood up and left the table. Then something entirely unexpected happened.

Trevor was planning to share his made – up stories with the other guests at the table and he hoped they would believe him. He heard a noise beside his chair and when he turned around, he saw Harold standing next to him. His cousin looked like the person he had been before his battle with lung cancer and he had returned as a healthy and happy relative. He spoke to Trevor in a quiet voice, “Thank you for coming to my Wake but you will spoil my farewell if you spread these false stories around the room. I want everyone to remember me in a positive way. Why are you doing this?” Trevor was dumbfounded for a few minutes, and he could not speak but when he recovered, he knew he had to confront his challenging issues and move on. He was ready to share his experience with his parents and hopefully be able to let go of the past that was holding him back.

Trevor looked at Harold and started sharing past encounters with his parents. “Mum and Dad kept comparing me to you and I always felt inadequate. They told me you were a high achiever unlike me who was a total loser. They said that you were very popular with lots of friends while I was a loner who couldn’t relate positively to anyone. I grew up feeling totally inadequate, which has negatively affected my life. Trying to get revenge on you for something that was not your fault was totally wrong and I’m sorry.” Harold smiled and he went to Trevor and gave him a hug. He told Trevor that his parents had been wrong about him and he had a lot of potential to have a successful and meaningful life. Trevor knew that now he wanted to remember Harold in a positive way and his personal interest was the same as everyone else’s at the Wake. The Stakes had stopped colliding and moved close in a warm caring way. Trevor knew what he had to do and he moved to the front of the room and faced everyone at the table.

Trevor started speaking to everyone and all the guests listened to what he was sharing. He was not used to public speaking and he was very nervous, stumbling on his words but his message was greeted with a loud applause when he reflected everyone’s thoughts. Harold had been a supportive and caring family member and would be missed. Julie thanked him before they left and wished him well. It was good to be on the same page as his relatives and friends.