Substitute Teacher

Substitute Teacher

Let me tell you a story.

A few years back, I don’t remember how far back but it was a while because I didn’t have any grey hair. I don’t have any hair now. I hope that helps. Enough about my hair. I don’t like talking about my ex.

It was a warm day and even warmer late afternoon. I don’t know if that made any sense. Yes I could have just said it was hot. I was trying to talk like a writer and make it easy for the poor schlep writing this story.

After a hard day of hard work I decide to head down to the bar and hang out with the fellas. When I got there none of them were there so I grab a seat at the bar, order a beer and give Benny a call. He starts whining about he wasn’t done his chores yet and he had to clear it with his wife just in case she had something planned. Maybe I should have called her and asked if little Benny could come out and play, I said and hung up before he could say anything. I was laughing in my beer because I knew that would piss him off. He’ll be grumpy and complain what a jerk I was for hanging up on him. He was grumpy enough that his wife kicked him out because he was getting on her nerves. Fifteen minutes later he was pulling up a stool and a beer magically appeared in front of him. Thanks Joe, Benny said in between slow pulls. We were talking about boxing arguing about the skills of each boxer, ending in agreeing that Rocky Marciano was pound for pound the best boxer ever. During one of those discussions a Black guy walks in and sits next to me. The bar goes quiet for a minute then everyone goes back to their drinking and talking. It was like a scene from a movie. He waves Joe over and orders three shots. Three shots of the good stuff not that cheap stuff that Joe keeps telling us that it’s really the good stuff. He looks at Benny and me and asked if we would join him in a drink. But first. He waved Joe over again and asked him if he could join us. Joe respectfully declined the shot and poured himself a coke. He raised his glass in salute. We all did what he did and raised our glass. We held them there waiting for him to say something but all he did was toss it back and quietly placed his glass on the bar. We kicked ours back, except for Joe. He took a good sip through a straw. He ordered another round. As Joe poured he introduced himself. He said his name was Simon and that he was a substitute teacher and that he just finished a gig at a school in the neighboring city. Benny chimed in about how kids can be brutal and began to tell us a story about when his kids were little. I had to cut him off because once he starts on a story six hours later you're twenty stories in. Simon continued, I had what I thought was an easy gig. It was anything but easy. I show up early so k could review the teachers notes for her class but when I got there they tell me that there’s been a change in plans. They said they had to switch classrooms with another classroom and that k will be getting double the pay for my inconvenience. That was all right by me. I said. I was assigned Mrs. Montgomery's kindergarten class. They said an aid will be assigned to the classroom when one becomes available. No problem. I love kids and kids love me. This day was shaping up quite nicely.

I’m in the class room getting organized when the bell rang and the students started filing in with their parents helping their little ones get organized before leaving them in my capable hands. My back was turned away from class for a moment when I heard the door lock. Two students were at the door. A few others were on stools closing the blinds. The rest of the class was huddled around my desk. One of them held out a folded piece of paper. I took it and opened it. Inside was a list. Not a list of demands but a list of how things are run around here. An involuntary laugh escaped my mouth as I read what they said. Without confusion or illusion now I worked for them. My smile didn’t last long. Two of the biggest five year olds I’ve ever seen rise up from the back of the class. One of the little tikes up front repeated it slowly holding my gaze for an uncomfortable length of time. I later found out that the kid's front name was Timmy. It would be a Timmy wouldn’t it, Benny said. Anyway, Timmy gestured with his finger for me to bend down close. I thought it was so he could whisper in my ear but it was so that those six foot, two hundred pound kindergartners could grab both of my arms. That’s when Timmy put a couple of juice boxes in a sock and worked me over. I have juice box shaped bruises all over my body. They spared my face because they didn’t want anyone to see the damage a sock full of juice boxes can do. Afterwards while I lay there on the classroom floor dripping in juice I was given my instructions. From now on I would be their number one substitute teacher. They can arrange that and a warning to not come empty handed. A full tummy at nap time makes for a smooth day and k better not mess up a smooth day. There were about twenty more items listed but those were the two that I saw as the paper was rubbed in my face. The linebacker twins released me and Timmy threw some paper towels at me and told me to clean myself off so we could start class. The blinds went up and the door was unlocked. All the students were in their seats looking angelic and eager to learn. The principal stopped by to check up on me. There was a look on her face that said, thank God you’re still here. She smiled and went on her way. I was left in the classroom with this junior mafia who now has their hooks in me and I have to do their bidding. I looked at him, dude they're just little kids. Simon raised his shirt and showed us his beaten up body. Before I left the principal called me to her office and asked if I could stay on for a longer period of time. The kids in Mrs. Montgomery's class really took a liking to you and you’ll continue getting double your pay. Then she leaned in close enough so that no one else could hear and whispered they requested you Simon then she walked away. Simon rose, paid the tab, left Joe a hefty tip and was almost out the door when Benny called out, hey Simon what are you going to do? Simon let out a heavy sigh and said, buy some snacks and work on a lesson plan.

After Simon left we sat there in silence for a moment until Joe broke the silence. Do you guys believe any of that? I don’t know Joe.i said shaking my head but what I do know is that my hand has no beer in it. Coming right up T.