Locked Feelings

“We have a problem it seems.” Ben whispered, though, in all honesty he had no reason to do so. There was nobody else around.

“Why are you whispering and there are two problems here in fact. One being we are stuck in this old dusty room. Can we even call this a room---” Nita was cut off.

“Two, us being stuck together? I don’t see a problem in that.” Ben smirked at Nita pretending to size her up.

“I do. We aren’t even dating---” Nita was cut off again.

“‘Yet’ you mean.” Ben’s smirk grew so wide Nita thought his jaws might tear from its sides.

“We don’t have time for this.” Nita exhaled. She had a debate competition coming up in less than an hour and some weirdly jealous rival (or so she assumed and she had a rough guess who the little demon was) decided to lock ‘her’ (precisely put only ‘her’ it seems and Ben had unintentionally gotten wrapped up in the shocking charade) in a cheap trick so that she might get the disqualified notice (although rarely) at a delayed entrance.

“Of course we do, baby doll. Now, just say yes to my confession and we’ll be dating.” Ben exclaimed with a soft smile which didn’t match his statement.

“You don’t fit with the player get up. I liked your previous enticing and sweet vocabulary more.” Nita sighed with creek of a smile in the corner of her eyes.

“Ooooo. So, you did have a preference! As my lady wishes.” Ben smiled this time, grinning ear to ear and making a slight bow. It got Nita giggling too. Ben silently celebrated his small win.

“Why though?” Nita asked, a slight curiosity in her tone.

“‘Why’ for what?”

“You liking me? Me??? I can’t come up with any logical reasons.”

“Does ‘love have to be ‘logical’?”

“But, ‘logic’ can make it last?”

“No, this is your low self-esteem talking again, isn’t it? You are doubting it. Like how you doubt your every win.”

“But---” Nita was cut off for the nth time now. She would have usually thrown a fit at this but she just didn’t have the energy to. Her mind was already on a high-speed express train of worrying about being disgracefully late to the debate competition and just yesterday Ben had confessed to her and as gentlemanly as he was giving Nita her time to think things through unknowing that she had the debate today. Though, it was Nita who didn’t tell him that a week ago not wanting him to wake up too early just to wish her good luck.

If she was honest, she was aware of herself enough to know she liked him. Maybe even ‘love him’ as Ben put it. All their slight gestures, their conversations, even their future careers got along but typical Nita had a habit of always wondering if she ‘was’ or ‘is’ doing the particularly ‘right thing’.

Ben was also in hindsight not supposed to be stuck with her in the store room of the library and mind you this place was dusty beyond belief. The library is always kept spotless but assumingly, no one seemed to have had the heart to clean up this pitiful room.

Nita had walked around the library since the last two hours. Trying to get some ‘rush- info’ to the debate? Nope. She was rehearsing. Although others may see her as just pacing across the bookshelves unable to make up her mind on a single genre to find a good read.

Ben was a regular in the library but had been scouting out the place diligently, after meeting Nita, to meet Nita. It became one of his favourite past times too.

“I LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE! I don’t care what big achievements you have or will have in the future. I don’t care one bit about ‘how’ we look together and most importantly I don’t care at all about what others think. I like you and want to be with you. There you go.

“God, it sounds so cliché now but these are my true feelings.” Ben turned around and walked across the room. He saw what looked like a table with some chairs and brought his hand up to wipe the dust off the chair’s seat and dusted the dust, now on hid palm, off his trouser and flopped down on the chair.

Nita followed toward him.

“I didn’t mean to make you---”

“Hold it right there. You have not made me mad. I’m not angry. I have to admit; I am a bit frustrated on how you don’t see how wonderful you are though.” Ben mentioned hushing hoping the sudden rise in his tone will be neutralized. He had not planned to shake up Nita to the point of it affecting her huge debate. Now, that’s something he personally won’t allow any soul to accomplish (Not under his frightful watch) Although, he had unintentionally accomplished that very goal.

“It’s just…I lack courage.” Nita confessed.

“No, Nit, you lack trust.”

“I trust you”

“I know you do but you don’t trust yourself and because of that your trust in me isn’t the full trust you think you have on me. I don’t want to label you on things but I can’t let you keep suffering like this. Remove that nail in your head please.”

Nita pondered for a few seconds on this. Ben seemed to have hit her right on the nail after all.

Nita had closed on to where Ben was sitting.

Ben took her hands in his. This forced Nita to look at Ben straight in the eye. Both their cheeks took on a slight blushed pink colour.

“You always seemed like you are ready to run off at the slightest change. You just always always seemed like you would fly off if I or someone else or you, yourself might I add, made a slight mistake not with accord to your plans.”

“Sadly, you are right, Ben. I do give up on things easily.” Nita said with the ghost of a smile.

“Way too easily.” Ben replied quickly.

Nita entered a swirl of thoughts in her mind. She repeated each win and each loss she had incurred in her life. She had her own observation diary of herself in her mind so repeating the moments had almost become a ritual.

It had started off when she was a ‘tiny little angel’ (as her mum commented back when she was ten) as this wholesome mechanism to keep track of her life and plan it in order and most importantly to celebrate her own life events.

Down along the road though with each passing year, it spiraled into a form of punishment she inflicted on herself with each mistake she made with or without intention.

Every win she rightfully received turned into a pitchforked graveyard of small mistakes that she missed during her performance that came screaming at her before she closed her eyes to turn into the night.

‘This has to stop. This is getting too unhealthy. I’m not even letting myself be happy. This isn’t the right way to live or if I’m being truthful to myself this isn’t how I wanted to or want to live’

Nita stared into the seemingly never-ending depth of eyes that she was gazing on. Nita understood blatantly that this might be her chance to give herself freedom. Some courage. Some trust.

Nita took in a deep breath and exhaled.

A thought popped into her mind with each truth Ben revealed to her about herself. It was almost like Ben had his own observation diary on her. Did he?

“I guess it’s time I let go, huh?” Nita blurted out.

Ben looked as if he was in a trance and suddenly got pulled to consciousness at Nita’s words. His face took on a horrified expression. Well to put it simply, he was horrified. This was the last thing he wanted to happen. The reason he risked saying the plain truth to Nita for all these past months. He tried to contort his facial expression back to normal hopefully not to let Nita feel agitated.

Ben tried to let go of Nita’s hands and it felt like their hands had been chained by something. He didn’t want to let them go. He didn’t want to let Nita go. Not this soon. Not this fast.

Just as Ben untangled his thoughts and decided to let Nita’s hands go. Nita said, “Yes”

Ben looked at Nita confused.

“Umm, Nita? ‘yes’”

“Oh, I meant ‘yes’ to your confession.” Ben gaped at Nita in surprise. He had not expected this turn of events.

“How, uhh but why?” Ben stammered, uncharacteristicallly.

“Does ‘love’ have to be logical?” Nita teased Ben with a smirk of her own.

“Oh, you did not just do that.” Ben got up from the dust cleaned chair, ran his arm through the dust on the table, dusted his now dusty arm on his trousers once more and picked Nita up.

“I just did!” Nita squealed along with Ben’s rapid movement. Ben placed her on the now cleaned table top and ran one hand through Nita’s brown hair and placed the other hand on her lower back keeping her from falling out of balance.

“So, can I finally get a kiss from my girlfriend?”

“Only if are willing to be my boyfriend”

Ben and Nita chuckled.

“I think it’s time we get out of this place.” Ben reminded.

 “Okay Mr. Big brain. Have any ideas in getting us out? I’d like to walk into that debate competition and give that witch a piece of my mind.”