“Scot’s“ Name Means A Lot More Than The Tissue

“Scot’s“ Name Means A Lot More Than The Tissue

     Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Va., there lived a 14 year-old boy named Scot. Most people have fears about certain things in their lives which really aren’t much to be scared of. In fact, the acronym for fear is False Expectations Appearing Real. Anyway, he had a severe case of pantaphobia, which is the fear of everything. His parents tried to break him of that awful curse by telling him what F. D. R. had said concerning that subject which was, “The only thing to fear is just fear        itself.” Yet Scot was too scared to even read or hear what that great president said. He had a really hard time sleeping at night because he was afraid of the dark, but what really upset him was the things which were in the dark after his momma turned the light off. He needed a bright night-light on beside his bed.

     That really upset his daddy big-time. Besides having his son who was 14 years-old being afraid of the dark and everything in it, which happened to be nothing, he hated his electric bill because his son needed to have so many lights on around the house.

     All the kids in his classes, his Cub Scout troop, Sunday School, football team The Cougars and his judo class didn’t need to have a night-light on when they went to bed. That problem really did upset both of his parents big-time, mostly his daddy who told him it was exactly like Linus’s security blanket, because it was all in his head concerning that stuff.

      Scot replied, “Yeah, well, I wish it was in my head, Daddy, because then I could just get it to come out of my ears. When you tried to take it away on Monday, I screamed so loudly not only Mom, but the 3 houses on either side of us had neighbors who came charging over because they were all thinking I was just being tortured to death, or something."

     Then while Scot had finished watching a really super-scary movie about some monsters who kept eating people and was oblivious to bullets, but rather it made him grow bigger with each shot, his mamma told him it was time for bed, but he said, “But Mom, what if one of those monsters sneaked into my room and tried to eat me ? What will you do about it then?”

     “Oh, I’ll worry about that when it happens, dear,” she replied with a yawn, “but it’s bed-time now.”

     After she’d said her prayers with him, he finally fell asleep, although he was quite worried about the, “monsters” which would come, “monst” him at night.

    As Scot fell asleep worrying about those ridiculous things, he was awakened by the sound of his window being opened up from the outside. He saw the glass slowly creeping upward, which brought some eerie wind into his room. Scot opened his mouth to scream, but no scream came out of it, only squeaks and scratchy sounds with no volume. The monster frowned at him with his eyes slanted down- ward. It growled like a baby kitten, that’s quite rare.

     Scot knew there was no point in screaming by then because it would only wake up his parents, who wouldn’t come to his aid anyway. As he frowned at the monster, it suddenly wrapped it’s front paws around his mouth so he couldn’t scream, even if he tried, then opened the window telepathically and flew out while carrying Scot with it. Several minutes later he saw the monster's nest. As it put him into it, he heard lots of scary sounds from many werewolves, witches, ghosts, vampires and several other horrible monsters which were all around him, smiling, each with sinister, frowning eyes. Then they all began to make a strange sound which resembled laughing. As the thing put him on the ground, all the monsters poked him and punched him and knocked him down on the ground. Then they made that weird laughing sound which was extremely amusing to everyone who was there, with the exception of poor Scot.

     “Hay ! Knock it off, guys !” he finally managed to spit out of his mouth, “What do you want with me ?”

     The monsters just looked at each other and shrugged but said nothing, then they continued poking and punching him, making him cry out in pain as they seemed to enjoy making him uncomfortable.

     Next one of them grabbed him by his left foot and flew him through the air a long way until all those monsters reached what looked like a gigantic nest. Next they set him down in it. Then all of them made that weird laughing sound as they picked him up and then dropped him on his head several times.  

     Later they flew him to a weird-looking kind of nest which was made up of huge tree limbs and padded with grass and flower petals. Then they showed him how high he was off the ground so that he wouldn’t try to escape and covered him up so he would sleep.

     The next morning he was rudely awakened by the same hideous monsters poking at him all over again. Then they flew him to another gigantic-sized nest with even more weird-looking winged-creatures were in. He could do nothing other than just scowl at the weird animals to show his hatred of the treet- ment he had been receiving from all those creatures.

     After several minutes of that rough treatment, one of them finally said, “We’ve been watching you for a long time. We need you to do some mayhem for us.”

    Scot fussed, “Woe! You speak Inglish, do you ? Now, that’s great! I’m pretty fluent in that language !”

     “We speak 85 different languages, but that’s one of our spesialties! Do you speak Vodbork? That is the other language we’re the most fluent in as well.”

     Scot rubbed his eyes and said, “Huh? Now look, I have a right to know why you brought me here! I demand to be treated with some dignity, uh, please.”

     Another alien said, “We picked you from all the creatures on your tiny planet who’s there, for you’re quite intelligent for a human. We need your help to assist us in our endeavors so we can conquer every planet in the entire galaxy. The one you’re from is in the way. We can’t see Nepturne because of yours. We’re going to blow it up so that we’ll be able to see all the way to Oxfy which is 5 light-years away from Neptune so it has to go, and it will be gone in 14 pathins. Just keep watching it and see what I mean.”

     Scaredy-Scot had never been so frightened in his whole life, and that’s really saying a lot since most of his life was spent being afraid of various things. That was when he said curiously, “Gee, that’s awful you can’t see all the planets, but please don’t destroy that one. There are lots of good-people on it who want to be friends with the creatures on your planet.”

     “Yeah, right !” said the alien quite sarcastically, “I suppose you’ll try to tell me that it’s normal for fish to swim and for birds to fly all over the place or some kind of cow like that, or bull, whatever animals you weird creatures call it. Anyway, don’t worry. It will be just a memory in a few blomstarks from now.”

     Scot knew he had to do something in order to save the entire planet Earth from total enialation, but what could a 12 year-old boy do to prevent the devastation of his planet from the mean monsters.

     Just then Scot said, “You know, it will really be sad to see all the beautiful lights and those gorgeous stars which surround that little planet. Yet I thought you were a lot smarter than to just blow it to total smithereens because it’s got so many gorgeous lights and wild sounds that are fun to see and listen to, but I reckon I’ll have to find them on some other planet now. Gee, it’s sure going to be mighty sad.”

   “What kind of lights are you talking about, Earth- creature ?” asked the monster, “I’ve been studying that planet for 48 meons and haven’t seen any of it.”

     “Of course not,” said Scaredy-Scot, “You never will if you don’t get close enough to see them. I’ll bet you’ve never even seen the roo-zoo monkeys when they mate. That’s a lovely sight, or the beautiful lights under the water, you can only see those things at night. Still, that’s nothing compared to the niowev trees when they glow every other 3rd night. That beauty would make the most pretty things on your planet look absolutely hideous by comparison. The problem is if you get too close to it, that makes any creature sneeze, only when that happens, it would make the planet explode into lots of tiny pieces.”

     “You’re full of cow, Earthling,” said the alien right crossly, “or something like that! You’re making it up!”

     “Well, I might be,” replied Scaredy-Scot with his hands pointed up towards Heaven, “but if I’m not, the last 2 words you’ll ever hear will be, ‘a and then choo!’ The question is, are you willing to take that chance, my good, uh, whatever you are? I wouldn’t.”

     The alien frowned at him. Since he was looking a little worried. Scaredy-Scot began shouting out loud, “Ah,ah, ah, ah,” like the start of a major sneeze. That caused the alien to run for the door. As he opened it to get out, he forgot they were in outer-space and in his haste to get away from the so-called, “mega- boom,” he stepped into nothingness and so he immediately floated away into the outskirts of space.

     That caused Scot to call after him, “So long, you, ‘highly-intelligent being!’ So, now you know stupid Earthlings can outsmart geniuses such as yourself!”

     After a great deal of experimenting with the space ship’s controls, Scot eventually figured out how to turn it around and go back to his home planet, Earth. He aimed for a huge body of water so he could splash-down in it like the old Apollo rockets used to do since he was a great swimmer and figured that was better than trying to crash on any dry, hard-land.

    Still, as luck would have it, the date was March 14th, which is the coldest time of year, so the water was frozen over. He ended up crashing down on the hard, unforgiving ice, which almost shortened his life-span dramatically. His whole life flashed in front of his eyes. Since he was just 12 years-old, it didn’t take very long. The entire space ship was totally demolished, and he felt like he’d crashed into a cement wall going over 14,000 miles-per-minute. To say he was extremely shaken up would have been a gross understatement. In fact, “gross” described how he felt right at that particular point in time.

     By then, a really large crowd of onlookers had arrived because they thought the ship was a u. f. o., which stood for, “Utterly Funky Obstacle.” It took several seconds to get the cobwebs out of his head. By then, all those spiders came running out through his ears, and they were not too happy about what had just occurred. Some of them were on, “The World Wide, ‘Web.’ “ It’s extremely difficult to find a computer that’s tiny enough for a spider to use, and one of the male spiders, with a cute female, had just, “spied-’er” as she went by. Some were in the, “spin” cycle of laundry which meant they were quite a bit grumpy. Still, baseball was their favorite past-time because they were quite good at, "catching flies.”

     That’s when a mega-explosion from Scot rocked the entire metropolis of Danville. A bomb had gone off which with the explosion aroused, not to mention a lot of houses with women’s blouses and all of the mouses who’d arouses their spouzes. It came from Scot because he’d accidentally poured gun powder into some nitro glyserine and left it beside a bunsen- burner which the wind had blown over so they meat. That pretty well ruined his entire block since virtually everything was blown up, or blown down. Anyway, the bottom line is he, “blew it.” The worst part of it all was his chemistry teacher had stopped by to deliver him some extra homework since he was failing the class. That incident was sure not to help his grade.

     Every teacher in the school referred to him as, “The Great Scot,” not because he was great by any means, but rather they’d always yell, “Great Scot !” every time they heard anything weird that would happen in any of his classes, it was always his fault.

     Finally poor Scot got really depressed because of all the failures he’d had. Yet when one of his teach- ers had tried to cheer him up by saying, “That’s alright, you learn more from your errors than by your successes.” That’s when he replied, “Oh yeah ? If that was true, I’d be the smartest person ever born !”

   Yet on his way home, he heard the sound of some- thing break in the laboratory. As he got closer to it, screaming came from inside, so he ran as quickly as possible towards the sound and saw his chemistry teacher, Ms. Green trapped against the wall with flames licking at her feet. Since everybody else had gone home and he knew she couldn’t wait for The Firefighters to get there, he heroically leapt through an open window and grabbed a fire extinguisher. Then he ran to where the flame had gotten to be quite immense, so he put out the fire. It was then he saw Ms. Green lying unconscious on the floor, not breathing from smoke inholation. He immediately jumped on her and commenced to do c. p. r.. What was so amazing about that act was that he was so dense that he didn’t even know how to spell c. p. r.. Yet when a cough came from Ms. Green, who was by that time the color of our sky, it was the most beautiful music he had ever heard in his life. After she had regained consciousness, she was mortified to see who had saved her life, the dunce-of-the- school. He gently patted her head, asking if she was alright. Since Scot was failing chemistry, she spent some extra time with him after school to get his grade up. He had been making Fs in that class, but she gave him an A+ to reward him for his herocracy. That act made him locally famous throughout the school, and the entire metropolis of Danville. All the girls were doing nice things for him, hoping he’d ask them out on some dates. Until then, all he knew about, “dates” was that they were, “sweet,” and some of them could really be, “the pits.” He even met the girl who would eventually become Ms Right. After a few months of dating, he, “popped-it.” Of course, she said, “Yeah, man! I’d thought you would never ask me, sweetheart !” Then the following year they blessed the planet with some future great- teachers who’d change the world. At any rate, as the best-written stories of all-time will finish up with,

     “THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER !!!!”

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     The end. ‘By, Cuz Roye.