A Silent Movie

I know this is all my fault; there’s no one to blame except myself for my failures. I must force myself to remember every single detail, so I don’t forget as I so commonly have about things of my earlier life. In this universe, it is so easy to lose minutes and often days. This is especially true given how long my time here has been.

I had to exist on this earth alone and therefore put up with serious shortcomings in knowledge. It’s a punishment and a fair one in that. I deserve to linger in this universe trying to remain anonymous. It’s just so lonely to be in a world full of people that don’t recognize my existence. I can’t ever show my true self. I can never talk about all that I’ve endured in my long life. I can’t ever reveal my intense sadness. As I said, a fair punishment for all that I’ve done.

My name on this earth is Helen Wroth, and I appear a woman in my forties. I come from a place no one here knows of or even thinks is possible. I come from a different realm, a place like this one but more technologically advanced. My homeland is the supreme land, that rules the other planets. My people exist to learn from other planets and travel the universe to learn and bring that learning home. We operate in the shadows, and understand that we must protect our peace and the peace of others above all else.

I was a traveler, deployed with my partner to explore and monitor other lands. Sadly, through a series of unfortunate events that were caused by my own greed, my partner died. On account ofthis, I remain trapped on a planet that has no tools to get me home. I lost my gear and have no access to my native technology. I am trapped in a cage of my own making.

I can’t tell anyone. The last traveler like me who spoke disappeared into the ether.

I have a job at the top scientific research center on this planet. It seemed like the most likely way to find out about the universal theories needed to send me home. I contribute in small ways, trying to bring attention to pieces of their ideas that don’t make sense, slowly encouraging them to try to find what I so desperately need them to.

Today started as any other in this slow place. I have almost perfected my daily routine. The routine provides a comfort in the midst of it all. I wake up, brush my teeth, and brush them again. Brushing my teeth is something I can control. I have learned that repetitive behaviors help stave stave off anxiety. It’s become a savior.

I arrive in a black SUV at the research center fully prepared for another day of disappointment. One day the scientists will get there; I must believe that. It is like being at the movies. I watch people fumble, but my sighs (or screams) cannot be heard. I worry that one day, my voice will pop through the screen, that I won’t be able to maintain my silence. this would be the ultimate betrayal of my people however, and fear keeps me quiet.

As I walk through an endless row of labs and meeting rooms, I find my team waiting for my arrival. I never was very good at staying on time. They have set up a meeting today to discuss the different speculations that they all devote their time to. For such meetings, I am confined to my chair as I nod along and pretend to be just as curious as they are.

“Hello Professor Wroth, we’ve been waiting on you, as always,” Dr. Gronkowsky says bitterly. He is the head of the team and dislikes when anyone strays from his command. He takes this research almost as seriously as I do, but is more militaristic in his approach than anyone I have worked with before.

“Hello Doctor,” I mutter as I walk in and take my seat in the middle of table. The other scientists sit patiently waiting for his direction.

The meeting agenda is projected on a screen in front of us, yet we are all wondering what the real agenda is for this gathering. Dr. Gronkowsky walks up to the front of the room and in a monotonvoice, reads us the agenda. Dr. Reed interjects out of nowhere with his opinion on quantum mechanics. He has always been a strong supporter of this theory, never taking feedback from me or others on its many challenges.

“As you all know, my research on quantum mechanics is deep, but my conviction remains unwavering even under the scrutiny of my colleages.” Quantum mechanics drove him, and he would not hear other opinions even if he asked for them.

As I start to fade away into the recesses of my mind, I remind myself that I don’t do well with the ego. We don’t have that on my planet.

“Helen! Helen, Helen, we have to go now. Come on.” I’d had this dream before and it used to scare me. I always knew that the end was inevitable no matter how I desperately try to fought it. I always make the wrong decision, always vying greedily for a few more minutes on this planet. Before, I just thought he was being too careful, not enjoying life to its fullest. In hindsight, I realize my friend Victor was just keeping me safe. I guess he did succeed. Now, I’m left suffering without my friend striving to prove his sacrifice was worth something. In moments like this, when hearing scientists talk about something they aren’t close to understanding, doubt creeps in. When everything feels heavy, I know that the roles should be reversed. Victor deserves to be where I am and the fact that he’s not, eats at me slowly.

I go ever the scene a couple more times, staying within my own brain, when I see someone new step up to talk. She appears young and looks like everything a scientist here isn’t, well rested and full of hope. Real hope not the kind the people here wear as a façade.

I open my eyes fully this time and will myself to put all my attention on her and what she’s saying. At first, I only see her mouth slowly moving like the silent move but then the words come back.

I wonder why they invited her to join this team, a random choice since her theory is lack luster. It’s one I’ve heard before but only by mere citizens, the dream theory.

“Hello all, my name is Kiara Hill. I know today I come before you without much experience and an idea that has been disregarded throughout time. But trust me, it holds much promise as I will show to you today,” she pauses her briefing to look each of us in the eyes before continuing, almost as she’s daring us to contradict her. It works as no one says anything about her or her interesting choice of topic.

With this she keeps going, “I believe that dreams are portal to other worlds. Connecting the neuro passageway between our own selves on different universes. It’s been proven many times that the brain is a powerful thing. I believe if studied properly we could manipulate this tool and prove to the world that this is legit!”

That’s my cue to tune out but I do admire her gutsiness getting here and having such confidence. Sadly, it’s just not worth my time.

I drift in and out of the conversations, pretending to be alert, adding nods and words of encouragement when needed!

Finally it’s over and I can leave, I’m not totally sure why they keep me around since I don’t really contribute a lot. Maybe, it’s the multiple Ph.D’s I faked. On occasion, I will add some words of wisdom but nothing that crazy.

I quickly rush out of the cramped meeting space without so much as a goodbye, these day always last too long. At some point I end up in my car sitting my house counting the clouds in the sky to calm down.

This place isn’t that different from my earth but it still feels so . . .wrong. It really is true what they say: it isn’t the where you are it’s the people your with that make it feel like home and this place will never be mine. I may never get back to my home but I won’t stop trying.

I feel myself walking to my house and then I get so cold, it feels like every hair on my arms are standing up. That’s when I see the source of my discomfort, my blankets fall off my bed. I try so very hard to awake my eyes as my so very lucid dream slips away.