Ted Talk: Letters From the Bottom Rung, part 2

Dear Albert the Unbothered,

I hope this letter finds you ever unbothered (for that is what your name suggests).

I thank you so much for your advice. I just knew such a simple task would be easy for Sir Brutus. I spent many days slowly working into various conversations about how easy it would be to make our way down to the bridge of Bathmore and simply steal from those who cross it at all hours of the day. It took far longer than I thought it would because Sir Brutus is not as perceptive as knights such as Percival the Perceptive, or Sir Hendel the Hawk. However, he eventually caught on after nearly two weeks of quiet subtle hints.

So yesterday we made our way down to the Bathtub Bridge. He was so very excited, he put on his blackest armor, his most vibrant purple plume and his scariest vile sword. He mounted his pure black destrier named Frightful, and by late morning we were on our way. I just knew that Sir Brutus would now gain some ill-repute and finally gain respect among his peers at “The Order of Eternal Gloom”.

Unfortunately I was wrong. Not only would he fail but he would fail in the most epic of fashions. After making it down to the bridge he made the rather unfortunate mistake of forgetting why he named his destrier Frightful in the first place. See his horse, though beautiful and handsome, is as big a failure as his own master. He is like a vain peacock with the courage of a fainting goat.

When we arrived at the Bathtub bridge we excitedly waited for the first customer to cross the bridge. After standing around for nearly half an hour an old man arrived. He was pushing a large cart with a sheet over it, and as he crossed the bridge Sir Brutus rode out to meet him, he sat on Frightful like a wicked knight of Sir Mordred’s company! Alas, after insisting the man leave his cart full of his valuables, the poor fellow fell to his knees begging for mercy. I was proud of Sir Brutus, it would seem he would have his first successful and evil deed accomplished. After he demanded the man pull the sheet off and leave the valuables with him the man trembling with fear complied. He pulled the sheet off and you would never believe what was underneath!

It was a cart of cages full of all manner of snakes! Why the man was bringing a cart full of snakes into Bathmore I have no idea, but what I do know is that as soon as the snakes were revealed ole Frightful jumped and bucked in fear. Poor Sir Brutus hung on for dear life but that cowardly horse bucked and jumped, then bucked and jumped again and next thing I knew Sir Brutus launched into the air over the side of the bridge.

The old man laughed until his sides hurt while I ran down to the shore to pull Sir Brutus out of the drink. Poor Sir Brutus nearly drowned from all the water he swallowed and it took me almost four hours of oiling his armor to keep rust from forming on it. His poor plume was limp as a wet noodle and I had to order another from Plamon’s Plume Room.

I suppose I’ll be adding ‘Snake Shenanigans’ to the list. Right between ‘Mishaps with a Goose’ and ‘Flatulence and Friendly Fire.’

What am I supposed to do to Sir Albert? I am beside myself, he was unable to even rob a man of his belongings and pets. Please please please contact me as soon as you are able. Perhaps you could find something else that would work to help him in his evil endeavors?

Signed and forever hopeful in a hopeless situation

TED

13 Dastardly Lane

The Kingdom of Bathmore

P.S. Perhaps you have something even smaller that he could accomplish?

Dear TED,

My goodness, how can someone mess up something as simple as the job that is a highway man. All one must do is stand at the bridge and wait for folks to make their way across it. How could he have forgotten the reason for naming his steed Frightful? I must say my dear Ted that you have quite the job set out for you. Perhaps you should look for something much simpler than the task of a highway man. You say his armor is black and his sword menacing? Then if I were you I would take him to the home of a wealthy noble. This noble of course shouldn't be wealthy enough to have garnered guards but rather wealthy enough for him to buy another horse. Once word gets around of the wicked knight who fleece’s nobles then he will become infamous for all the right reasons. There is a squire I know well, a young man named Squire Longfellow who served a knight by the name of Sir Paul the Poor. He was named for this because no matter how hard he tried he was never able to garner any wealth. I told him that he should perhaps try his hand challenging wealthy but older and frail men at the Bathmore nursing home to a duel for gold. Last I heard Sir Paul the Poor is now known as Sir Paul the Prosperous. This would be a much easier task for your inept knight I am sure. You certainly fulfilled the tasks required of you as Squire and I commend your willingness to serve in such a comically unfortunate event. If he is able to accomplish this small task then it will begin to build a level of notoriety that even “The Order of Eternal Gloom” will be proud of.

May your tasks accomplish that which you desire,

Sir Albert The Unbothered

77 Sighworthy Street

Kingdom of Bathmore

P.S. Remember, the best way to accomplish something medium is to start smaller.