The Candle

The Candle

Tis struck the match against the box. There was a hiss, and the flame leapt up. The sharp scent of sulphur brought a moment of discomfort, but it was fleeting. Her hand was steady as she lit the candle on the window sill.

There was absolutely nothing special about the tall, white candle she placed in the holder. It was one of those you are supposed to have on hand for if the power goes out. With phones and watches now doubling as torches, they were close to redundant.

Back when Tis started this evening ritual, she had used pretty candles, ones infused with scent, and even ones that had been, allegedly, blessed or magicked with an intent.

Now, she bought the cheapest ones from the supermarket. She tapped her temple, hoping to remember. She needed to put another packet on her list for Friday, when she next did the groceries.

Her phone, over on the sofa, rang. Tis smiled as she turned away from the window. It would be Adele, checking in after what had promised to be an exciting day.

“Hi Sweetheart, how did it go?”

“Hi Mum, hope I didn’t disturb you.”

“Silly. I’ve been waiting all day. I was just lighting Dad’s candle.”

Long ago, Tis had decided no one was going to shame her into giving up her ritual. They could not know what it meant.

“Okay, cool.” Adele never tried to question it these days, but her voice was flat.

“Oh, come on Adele, you didn’t ring just to chew the fat. How did it go?”

“Really wished you were with me. Should have come and collected you.”

“Damn. I can’t believe we were so disorganised. I would have loved to be there.”

The two women were silent, remembering why they had not gone together for this very important appointment. Adele’s partner, Shane, went. It was right for him to be there, of course. The trip to the other city would have made the day a long one but Tis now felt guilty that she had reneged.

“Baby is looking good,” Adele finally spoke.

“Do you know yet?”

“Haha, Mum. You should have come with us.”

Tis felt her cheeks heating. She really did not have a decent excuse, just she would have lost an entire day on the farm. And, she got tired a lot easier these days.

Trying to take some control in the conversation she asked, “And?”

“Should make you wait until the official reveal.”

“Adele.”

“Just kidding, Mum. It’s a boy.”

Tis heard the deep delight in her daughter’s voice. Oh, she so wanted to rush over and hold her and caress her swelling belly. Only problem; Adele lived two hours away.

Tears blurred her vision. She gazed around and saw the candle flame as a fractured crystal hanging in darkness. This had happened often over the last four years. At least, this time, her tears were from joy.

Dan had gone out that night into the storm. There was no power. Being on the outskirts of town, neither of them expected a power cut that went on and on. The generator, left by previous occupiers had no diesel. She and Dan argued about that. They always seemed to find things to argue about.

They did not argue about the necessity of Dan going down to the bottom paddock, in the pitch-black night. The storm blew in unexpectedly. It had not been due until morning, and was supposed to barely clip the town. Experience told them the bottom paddock often flooded. All he needed to do was open the gate so the sheep could get to higher ground.

“I’ll light a candle, put it in the window, to guide you home.” Tis had spoken in a teasing manner, to lighten the tension between them, but she meant what she said.

“Silly woman, love you.” They were the last words she heard from Dan.

He did not return that night.

In the morning, neighbours helped organise a search. They found his quad in the stream at the back of the farm.

They also found a very bedraggled flock of sheep. None drowned but it had been a close thing. Tthe gate that would have allowed their escape from the overflowing stream was still securely latched.

For the first couple of days, there had been hope. Someone worked out where the quad had left the track. They searched that area and down into the gully. It was a wild area, too steep to offer good grass. Tis and Dan allowed it to return to native bush and never went there.

But with the quad found beyond the gate out of the bottom paddock, the question was asked. Why had Dan not stopped and opened it for the sheep. Everyone agreed, Dan would have put the sheep’s welfare before anything else. And, what else was there on a night like that one proved to be?

The mystery messed with Tis’s ability to grieve. Where had he disappeared to and why hadn’t he helped the livestock? The Dan she knew and loved never took undue risks and would always do everything he could for the animals under his guardianship. The police came and asked more questions but they found no answers either. Tis had to accept her husband was dead.

But in a tiny corner of her mind, uncertainty lingered. It was that little piece of doubt that caused her to light the candle every evening.

“A boy,” she repeated.

“Mum?”

“Oh, Adele, it’s so exciting. I think I need to sit down to take it in.” Tis knew she was overreacting.

“Mum?!”

“I’m okay, sweetie.”

But was she? Her world had tilted in an odd direction. Her eyes were not seeing the lounge, at least, not as it was today.

Her mind slipped back to one of the arguments. This time about Adele and the young man she was seeing. Dan disapproved. The boy had been Adele’s first real crush. It had not lasted.

Four years later, Dan was much happier with the newest man in his daughter’s life. Shane, the father of Adele’s baby, was a keeper. He was a sturdy bloke with integrity and a strong work ethic. He and Adele had only been dating a couple of months when Dan disappeared.

Shane turned up every single day at the farm, after work, to help. Not so much with the search but with the unending chores around the property.

“Mum! Should I call someone. Or do you need me to come over?” Adele was panicking because Tis was leaving far too many gaps in the conversation.

“No! Honestly, I’m absolutely fine, darling. In fact, I’m ecstatic.”

“Are you sure?” Doubt filled Adele’s voice.

Tis managed a laugh. “Honey. A baby boy. I don’t know why your news affected me so acutely but, it truly is the best news ever.”

It was Adele’s turn to pause. “Um, Shane wanted me to ask.”

“No. Absolutely not.” Tis interrupted before Adele could say what it was Shane wanted. “That man of yours is too sentimental.” As if there was such a thing.

“Mum!” This time Adele was laughing. “You didn’t let me finish.”

“Adele!” Tis copied her daughter’s intonation. “Just listen here. You are not going to saddle your baby with his Granddad’s name.”

“How did you know?” Now the conversation was full of banter, Tis could hear Adele had released her fears.

“Because Shane’s soppy like that.” Tis could get away with saying nice things about Adele’s partner.

“But, Adele, I mean it. You’ve got a new life growing inside you. He does not need to carry that history with him.”

“Mum, love you. I wasn’t sure.”

When Adele hung up, Tis replaced the phone on the arm of the sofa. She sat a moment longer and allowed the news to sink in. She was going to have a grandson. Instead of the expected excitement rushing through her, Tis felt awash with peace. It was deeper than any emotion that had gripped her in the last four years, even the grief.

She stood up, considered walking to the doorway and switching on the light. She changed her mind. The window, the candle, beckoned her. It was only nine steps. The white paint on the sill was cool beneath her hands. Light from the candle flame gave it a yellowish hue.

The night was wrapping itself around the house. It was hard to even make out the garage. Everything beyond was dark grey. There was nothing out there for her to see, nothing to hope for. Not here. The candle reflected in the window glass, distorting what little was visible.

She thought of the little life swelling in Adele’s belly. Joy layered on top of the peace.

“It’s time,” she whispered to the empty house.

With finger and thumb wet with spit, she pinched the candle wick. The room plunged into darkness. She nodded to herself, satisfied.

“Goodbye Dan. I can’t wait any longer. I truly hope you’re at peace, wherever you are.”

Tis pulled the curtains, walked confidently across the dark room and switched on the light.