I believe it! Or not...

"My dear reader,

All my life, I was a believer. Each belief seemed to be true at the moment it was selected. After some time had passed, it was considered unbelievable.

As a child, I believed in Santa. I still meet children who believe in him. I am very happy about it. I will tell you more, even when I knew that Santa wasn’t real, I made my own children start believing in this powerful guy.

My child's naivety convinced me that, because I never reported my older brother's behaviour to the parents, he wouldn’t do it either. He always did. You know, I couldn’t understand why he was doing that. Meanie.

Let me complain about another family injustice that occurred at the same age as my brother’s sneaky behaviour. I always believed that one day my mom would allow me to stay late and go to bed after 10 pm. It never happened. That made me believe that one day I would be able to go to bed at any time I want. I did, but found it stressful. As years passed, I returned to the 10 pm go-to-bed routine. Although I never created a curfew for my children. (Perhaps I believe in no curfew now).

The feeling that a very long life is ahead and it's impossible to accelerate it, was permanent. Now tell me, my dear reader, have you ever felt that time flies? I hope you have not started noticing it yet.

I truly believed that when I grew up, I would have and would do whatever I want. I was imagining myself eating only food I like, going places and buying clothes I want. Well, this belief disappeared the moment I took my suitcase and left my parents' house. It took years of studying, working, studying again and working more before I could afford to spend some money on myself. As my children grow up, with all the expenses a family of five usually has, I still can't see myself buying everything I like.

I was certain of the possibility of making peace in the whole world. But every year, a new conflict starts, and old ones never stop.

I had so much trust in my school bestie that I never expected her to turn her back on me. “Best friends forever!’ wasn't my luck.

My young years' maximalism kept me extremely stuck with the belief that if I, or a group of us, started talking out loud, everyone would listen, and it would change the world. For sure, the more people start talking, the bigger the outcome, and they can be heard. But most likely, nobody does anything about it.

I also believed that democracy works. I realized later that I can’t get in which way, or better to say, towards whom.

While choosing a profession and looking for a university to apply to, I had a strong belief that after my graduation, I would be the one who knows all aspects of the field, and that I would get the job I wanted immediately because I knew better. Oh dear…. It happened quite a few times that all the knowledge I had was hardly enough to construct a question: “What should I do?” (when I was lucky to get a job that was available at the time).

I also want to share, my dear reader, that I always assumed that the people who went to school learned the rules to follow. I believed that each grown-up would know how to make good choices and avoid making poor ones. I will be honest with you, my friend, it is not true. Some people purposely make poor choices and continue to do so even after getting in trouble or putting their health at risk. I am assuming you met people who, let's say, smoke. Really? After all the research done?

In my earlier years, I was sure that doctors could save our lives. I was convinced of the opposite; they can’t. The realization is completely frustrating. Their expertise doesn’t even save them.

Talking about life savers, I wish you, reader, weren’t tempted to see our government leaders as ones. I am asking you because I trusted all the elections I went to. I laughed at my mother's refusal to go, who described all politicians as the same. I believed in true votes, thinking that the next leader would make our lives better. As soon as I couldn’t find out whose life exactly they were meant to improve, I stopped believing them. My life looks all the same: working to pay taxes.

Whatever I’ve done in my life, any step I've made was defined as helping my children, expecting them to have more than I had. I believed that they would get better jobs, and everything they needed would come more easily to them. It sounds like a joke now. It seemed to me that I got everything much faster.

Oh, reader, I’d like to describe the biggest disadvantage of my beliefs. I tried to become a good devotee, but I failed. And I will tell you why. I can’t believe in the power that can’t save the children who get seriously sick or harmed, calling it a payment for their parents’ sins. With the world’s acceptance of saving the weakest first, who are children and the elderly, this guy excludes the children. Honestly? I don’t get it.

I always saw the actors as happy people. They are the ones who, compared to others, have the job they love, which is also well paid. Do you think that all the expensive distractions that, in other words, could be called obsessions and addictions, help them forget about work? Does a dream job exist?

I was made to believe that humans are the kings of nature. After going whale watching a few years ago, I see us as terminators. We are specks on our planet, constantly using nature but not taking care of it.

I was sure that memory is a strong tool and it won’t fade. Unfortunately, it’s not true.

I would tell you more, my reader. Sometimes I don’t even believe in myself. I have days that bring me dark thoughts that make me indifferent to laughter, weak and not capable of joking. When out of the blue, I think that I can’t go through another day.

In other words, all my beliefs shrank, broke into tiny pieces and disappeared.

I hoped that writing this letter and sharing my thoughts with you would help me discover a recipe for becoming a stronger believer. I’ve almost detected the first words for it. It’s sad, cause I’ve lost them.

I believe you will find yours.

Sincerely,

Your Fake Believer."