Different but Same

“Hey, do you remember how we met?”

Ash’s voice snaps Maddie out of her thoughts, and she smirks at him.

“Of course I remember. How could I not? It was the most exciting day of my life. When I saw you standing there…”

Ash shakes his head and interrupts her.

“Wait, wait, no. I mean the first day we talked to each other. The first conversation we’ve ever had.”

“Ohhh…” Maddie nods thoughtfully. “All the way back when we met on that random Discord server?”

“Yes, exactly.” Ash answers with a warm smile. “I’m going to be honest… The first time I heard you, I was afraid you were a guy using a voice changer. But then I realized you didn’t have any ulterior motives, so…”

Maddie cuts him off with a sharp burst of laughter.

“Do you mean to tell me that guys actually worry about that? I thought that was just a joke.”

“I wish it was,” he huffs. “Bet you girls don’t have to worry about that.”

“Yeah, no, we don’t…” Maddie stirs the tea in her cup, although all the sugar dissolved long ago. “We worry about other things.”

“Like what?”

Maddie takes a deliberately slow sip before answering.

“Like, well, I don’t know… Other things.”

Ash furrows his eyebrows. He’s used to the way his girlfriend gets when she’s unsure if she should say something, but it worries him every time. What could she possibly be afraid to tell him after all this time, and why? He fights the urge to get impatient and lets the silence stretch until Maddie breaks it herself.

“Do you want me to be honest?”

“Of course I do. I wouldn’t have asked otherwise.”

“Alright, but… promise you won’t get angry?”

“Why would I get angry?”

“Just promise me.”

“Okay, fine, I promise,” he acquiesces. She doesn’t look very convinced, but proceeds anyway.

“When you sent me a photo for the first time, I was afraid to open it. I thought there could be something inappropriate in it.”

“You know I would never send something like that,” Ash protests.

“I know that now. But I didn’t know you enough back then,” she explains, and he has no answer to that.

“Thankfully, it was just your face,” she continues.

“And what did you think of it?”

“I didn’t think much of it at all, to be honest. I mean, why would I? I was not in love with you yet.”

“Sure, but still… You must’ve thought something, right?”

Maddie closes her eyes, as if trying to remember.

“Right… I thought, 'thank gods, it looks like he didn’t lie about his age'.”

Ash lets out an almost offended sound.

“Seriously? That was your first thought when you saw me for the first time?”

Maddie looks at him anxiously, unable to understand his reaction.

“What do you think I should have thought about instead?”

“Oh, no idea, really… Maybe about my level of attractiveness?” He replies with an eye roll, which only deepens Maddie’s confusion.

“But I was not even thinking about dating you back then,” she reiterates, though Ash doesn’t seem to take it for much of an explanation.

“Do you only think about someone’s appearance if you’re planning to date them?”

“Yes,” Maddie answers, and the innocent sincerity in her voice throws Ash off guard. “And even then, it’s still the last thing I think about.”

“That can’t be true,” Ash looks her over with a disbelieving chuckle, but his amusement fades the moment he sees her saddened expression.

“Are you calling me a liar?”

“No, I’m not. Or maybe I am. I’m not sure. If you’re telling the truth, then you’re not like any other girl I’ve ever met.”

“Don’t say I’m not like other girls!” Maddie exclaims, making him flinch at her unexpectedly loud tone. “That’s misogynistic!”

“How so? It’s just a fact.”

“It implies that all other girls are shallow!” She insists.

“But it’s not just girls, I didn’t mean…” He lets out an exasperated sigh, realizing that it’s pointless to argue now. “Fine, then you’re not like any other person I’ve ever met. Happy now?”

“That’s better,” Maddie takes another sip of her tea with a proud smile, and despite himself, Ash can’t help but feel a little proud of her, too.

“I was worried about the same thing during our first video call,” Maddie admits after a pause. “I thought that perhaps you just waited for the right moment to… Well, I don’t know. Do something.”

“Like what?”

“Like… Something inappropriate.”

Ash’s eye twitches, and he has to take a deep breath before replying.

“Were you always worried about that? What did I do to make you think I was one of those guys?”

“You didn’t do anything to make me think you weren’t,” Maddie’s voice grows unsure in the face of his growing irritation, but she forces herself to keep talking. “And even if you did… Sometimes it comes from the ones you suspect the least.”

“You make it sound like you think all men are like that,” Ash crosses his arms defensively, but Maddie just shrugs at that.

“Not all. But you never know which ones are.”

“Why did you even talk to me at all if you were so scared?” He mutters.

“What was the alternative? Never talking to any guys for the rest of my life?”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, and they sit in awkward silence for a while. Maddie can tell this isn’t how he expected the conversation to go. He just wanted to reminisce on some nostalgic memories, but instead, she made it all about something negative. She feels guilty, but she would feel even worse if she lied, and she almost — almost — feels a hint of anger at him for putting her into such a lose-lose situation.

“What did you think when you saw a photo of me for the first time?” Maddie asks eventually, hoping to change the mood.

“I thought you were beautiful,” Ash exhales. “Your cute smile, your hazel eyes… I wanted nothing more than to know how it would feel to look into them without the screen separating us. To see you smiling like that at me, in real time.”

Maddie looks away, the guilt she felt before intensifying with every word he says. Why couldn’t she have felt the same? Why was she never touched so deeply by his beauty, or anyone else’s, for that matter? Was something wrong with her? She should’ve felt the same. But instead, all she did was worry. She was always worrying too much. She still is, even right now.

“A video call was the closest thing to it that I could get back then,” Ash adds. “But it took quite a while until you agreed to it… And now I know why.”

“I’m sorry,” Maddie whispers.

“For what?”

“For not feeling the same way.”

Ash feels his heart drop.

“Wait, what? You don’t feel the same way about me? You mean…”

“No, that’s not it!” Maddie exclaims in a panic, not even noticing the way she spills some of the tea on herself. “I said it wrong, I…”

“You were never really in love with me, were you?” Ash smiles bitterly.

“You misunderstood! Of course I love you, I just meant…”

“You love me, but are you in love with me?”

Maddie stops in her tracks. She never really thought there was a difference. To her, being in love just means feeling the love more intensely. So there’s only one way she can answer without lying.

“It’s the closest thing to being in love I’ve ever felt. That’s all I know.”

She can see Ash take another deep breath, and she looks away in shame. When he speaks again, it sounds like he’s suppressing an emotion, and Maddie can guess what that emotion is.

“And are you certain you even understand what being in love is supposed to feel like?”

That hits her hard, because the honest answer is no. She doesn’t. How is she supposed to know that? It’s not like she can get into his head, feel his love, and compare it to her own. She feels farther apart from him now than she did when they were in different countries. The kind of distance that will be much harder to cross.

“I thought I did,” she whispers. “But I’m not sure anymore.”

⚬──────────✧──────────⚬

Instead of waiting until the holidays like she planned, Maggie buys a ticket to her home country the next day under the excuse of wanting to spend more time with her parents. It’s a believable enough reason for everyone. Everyone but Ash. He’s restless the entire night, staring at the ceiling, wondering if this is it. He finally messed things up beyond repair, didn’t he? And for what? Just because her way of loving someone isn’t the same as his? But then again, what if he’s right to assume that his feelings were never actually reciprocated? Then perhaps it would be better to let her go, to let her find someone who will make her feel the same way she makes him feel…

His thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by his sister’s voice and the aroma of coffee.

“Hey, dear brother. Asleep at noon again?”

“I wasn’t asleep,” he replies, and she believes him as soon as she sees the bags under his eyes when he sits up to look at her.

“Oh, wow. Rough night?”

“You could say that…”

“Wanna talk?” She asks as she sits on the bed, setting his cup of coffee on the nightstand.

“You won’t leave until I tell you everything, will you?”

“Nope.”

With a long exhale, he picks up the cup and recounts the events of the previous day in a detached tone. Gina listens to him without interrupting.

“Yeah, that kinda sucks, dude,” she concludes wisely when he’s done.

“You don’t say…” He shoots her a venomous glare, and his eyes fall to the cup she’s holding. A thought hits him then, something he never considered before but was suddenly curious about now.

“Why do you drink coffee?”

“Excuse you?”

“I know you have a neurodivergence that prevents caffeine from working properly on you. So why drink it if it has no effect?”

She huffs in indignation.

“Because I like the smell and the taste, duh. I can still enjoy things without having the same reaction to them as others do.”

Ash lowers his gaze in contemplation.

“Do you think the same logic goes for other areas of life?”

“I think it goes for everything, but don’t take my advice. I’m weird,” she shrugs.

“And is being weird a bad thing to you?”

“Nah. It’s just the way it is, you know. Whining won’t change it, so I might as well make the best of it instead. Why the sudden interview? Having second thoughts about breaking up with your girlfriend over her quirks?” Gina regrets those words the moment she sees the horror on her brother’s face.

“I did not break up with her! Did it sound like I did?!”

“Sounded like that to me, but I’m notorious for misunderstanding social situations. Again, I’m the last person you should listen to about this. Just do what you think is best.”

With that, she leaves the room, and Ash is once again left alone with his racing thoughts.

⚬──────────✧──────────⚬

“Maddie, can we talk?”

The message sits there, unanswered and unread, for what feels like a small eternity. When the phone finally beeps, Ash wastes no time checking it.

“Okay. Call me.”

Her answer is unusually short, which gives him a bad feeling, but at least there is an answer. He calls her right away.

“Maddie, I…”

“I know,” she interrupts. “You want someone who will love you… No, be in love with you the same way that you are with her. I understand.”

“You don’t understand anything if that’s what you think,” he spits out. “But neither do I. Because I never tried. I never even asked you why you decided to date me in the first place. Why you moved to another country for me… Despite not feeling 'the same' as I do.”

For a few seconds, there’s silence. Ash doesn’t rush her as she gathers her words.

“I do feel the same, Ash. I just feel it differently. I could try to explain, but… You won’t get it.”

“Try me.”

She sighs into the phone.

“It’s just… I might not have electricity running through my body when we touch, or butterflies fluttering in my stomach when I look at you, but when we’re together, I feel… Calm. And safe. Even when you’re angry, I don’t get scared. It worries me, sure… But I never feel like you will hurt me. I know you won’t, at least not on purpose. It feels like nothing can hurt me when you’re by my side. Because if anything tries, you will protect me. I know this sounds lame, like you’re a 'safe choice' for me… But what if being safe is all I want? I guess you were right after all. Maybe I just don’t know how to be in love.”

Ash has to swallow the lump in his throat before he can speak.

“No… You do. I was wrong. Your way of being in love might be different, but it doesn’t make it any less real… Not to me. I’m sorry, Maddie… I’m the one who failed to love you properly. I should’ve tried to understand you from the start… Will you come back?”

There’s a shaky breath on the other side of the line, followed by a beat of silence, until two simple words cross the distance at last.

“I will.”