Can't Lead to Anything Good

We all know that bacteria spreads. Covid 19. The Flu. The cold. Fevers. Oh, and I mustn’t forget about the snuffles. Annoying, right?

It’s nothing compared to what I go through.

I’m assuming you’re all human?

Great.

That’s good for you! I’m so happy that you can be happy… sadly for me, I’m an infected creature of indeterminate species and everyone fears me. I’m not invited to any birthday parties, but of course, who wants a beast gobbling down their cake and ripping open their presents?

Well, I probably wouldn’t do that.

Probably.

* * *

I was curled up in my damp and dingy cave, contemplating the universe (again). I mean really, what’s the purpose of cosmic sparkles? Maybe I wondered that because I had nothing else to do with my infected, disgusting life.

A little background: I used to be like you. I used to be an ordinary girl, believe it or not. I had wavy black hair and I constantly wore an oversized sweater my older brother gave me. He’s in the army, I think.

I always had a knack for exploring and adventure. So, I obviously went into the dark and spooky forest outside of our suburban neighborhood. If I had known that creepy old cabins in the middle of nowhere were bad, I would have left.

I didn’t.

I was an idiot for the first and last time, hopefully.

The one in the cabin happened to be a witch or something. That’s what I call her, anyway. She had wrinkly, sagging, pale skin that freaked me out to some extent. Her hair was all frizzy and stringy, even if that doesn’t make sense (it just proves my witch theory further). AND SHE ONLY WORE BLACK!

OF COURSE SHE WAS A WITCH!

I might be a strange animal, but I’m not entirely stupid!

Anyway, I went in, my mind wondering if maybe… possibly… she had porridge? I’m like the modern Goldilocks, to be completely honest. If there’s a cabin, and if I smell that amazing aroma from my childhood, you’ll suddenly have someone breaking uninvited into your home.

I was noisily slurping the porridge when she emerged from the shadows of the cabin and she pointed her bony finger at me and rasped, “YOU ARE A THIEF! YOU ARE A FORCE OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE EVIL!”

“I’m just hungry,” I replied, taking another sip. “Is there a problem with being a normal teenager?”

“YES!” she shrieked. “YOU MAY BE A TEEN, BUT THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE YOUR CRIMINAL RECORD!”

“I don’t have a criminal record.” I continued to gulp down the delicious porridge. “You’re just paranoid and dumb and you probably don’t know what ‘evil’ means. So why don’t you just go back up to bed, granny?

“YOU SHALL NOT INSULT THE—” she started, then she took several deep breaths. “Child. Have you ever heard of the Demons of the East?”

“No,” I responded nonchalantly. “I don’t know or care what they are.”

“The Demons of the East are creatures unknown to mankind… possibly the remnants of little children who wandered too far from home.” The old lady cackled. She grinned so I could see her crooked teeth.

“Have you ever brushed your teeth?” I asked, not paying attention to her story. “They’re unnaturally yellow.”

“Of course I have,” the witch snapped, rolling her eyes. “I might be ancient, but I’m not that behind the times.”

“Ancient as in… 72 years old?” I asked, sniggering. “Because I don’t think that counts as ‘ancient’, lady.”

“NO! I AM AS OLD AS TIME ITSELF!”

“Are you sure? Because personally, I believe that you’d be dead if that were true,” I pointed out, scooping the last of the porridge into my mouth.

“I AM VERY SURE!” the lady screamed. “I AM NOT DEAD, YOU INSOLENT GIRL!”

“What does ‘insolent’ mean?” I asked, genuinely confused. “Isn’t that what your body produces…?”

“THAT’S INSULIN,” she corrected very loudly. “AND ‘INSOLENT’ MEANS YOU ARE EXTREMELY RUDE! THAT IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF!” She stepped further out of the shadows intimidatingly.

“Calm down, lady.”

“LEAVE NOW OR FOREVER BE CURSED,” she bellowed.

“Shiver me timbers!” I gasped with fake incredulousness. “I’m positively horrified! You’ll go, ‘bibbety-bobbity-boo, you are now cursed with rue’! I don’t know what ‘rue’ is.”

“LEAVE!”

“No, I’m not done stealing your water so that I don’t die of dehydration,” I said, getting up and walking to her makeshift sink.

The witch rose to her full height and her hair billowed in the wind (the window was open). “LEAVE OR PAY THE PRICE!”

“I only have five dollars,” I told her, filling up the wooden cup with slightly green- tinted water. “I hope that ‘the price’ is beneath what I own.”

“HOW DARE YOU!” The witch reached into her black cloak and whipped out a long brown stick, then pointed it right at my face.

“Whoa!” I yelped, pushing the wand back. “Watch the nose!”

“NO!” That’s when the witch started talking gibberish. Either that or Greek…? “Species indeterminata nunc fies!”

I felt myself transforming; I was elongating and stretching and my scream sounded like several voices at once; it was like all my organs were about to burst; I felt a soft substance sprouting across my whole body; my ears were moving to the top of my head and then extending; my tailbone finally had a use—

The witch cackled once more, then waved her wand at me one more time, and I vanished.

NO!

Not like that!

I didn’t die, don’t worry. The witch only transported me out of her house and into mine. Well, no, it’s not my… house, exactly. It sort of is now, because if I went into town, everyone would scream and blow up and I’d be really sad because all I wanted was some ice cream.

But I can’t get ice cream. It’s all thanks to that old witch’s creaky old fingers and her stick that I’m now a fox cat dog dragon lizard behemoth who has no way of existing normally. I just wanted porridge!

Thankfully, I have a mushroom to keep me company. I named him Jeremy. Sadly, I think he’s poisonous.