Absurdist Enlightenment for the Entitled Generation

(*Moo* sound every 122 words)

Once upon a time, there was a -

*Knock Knock*

Uhh... Who's there?

"It's me! You dumbass."

But... I haven't gotten to you yet.

"What do you mean you haven't gotten to me yet? I'm right here!"

Yes, but you weren't supposed to be introduced yet!

"Yet?"

Yes, you're part of a story.

"Story? My ass. If this is a story, where's the setting?"

Uhh...

"Yeah, that's what I thought! There's no story."

But there is a story.

"None that I can see. And hey! Why do I get quotations and you don't?"

Pardon?

"Why do I get quotations around what I'm saying and you don't?"

Because... I'm the narrator. I don't get quotations.

"Well that's some bull shite if I've ever heard it."

What was that noise?

"Sounded like a cow."

Oh. Must've hit 122 words.

"Really? Already?"

Anyway, to explain: it's for the reader to distinguish when I am speaking and when you are speaking.

"Wait... did you say reader?"

Yes, reader. There is someone reading this right now.

"You can't be serious. Someone is reading this conversation right now?"

Yes, literally as we speak.

"Where are they?"

What do you mean, where are they?

"I can't see them. So... where are they?"

I... I don't know. But they're reading the story, or else we wouldn't exist.

"We wouldn't exist? C'mon, we would still exist if there wasn't a reader, right?"

Uh... I don't know Maybe the-.

"Excuse me, dear reader, what's your name?"

You can't just ask the reader their name!

"Why not?"

Because... it's just not proper!

"I just did."

Did you get a response?

"I don't know. Reader... did you respond? Sorry, the cow interrupted you."

We hit 244 already?

"Apparently. Which word was it?"

*Starts counting* The word "name".

"Oh. Anyway, what was your name, reader?"

They're not going to respond out-loud! They'd look like a crazy person talking to a laptop.

"Or a phone. They could be reading it from a phone via the internet."

What do you know about phones? Much less the internet?

"I know things."

Really?

"I think they said their name was _________."

That's a good name.

"How can you say that it was a good name-"

Was that the cow again?

"No, I just took a shite in my pants. Of course it was the cow!"

Are we sure it's 122 words? Maybe it's just on the word 'name'.

"Nah, that seems like coincidence. I don't think the writer is that intelligent to line up the same word every 122 words and have it make sense. Either that, or he lost count, just like the rest of us.

Do you remember what the 122 word was?

"No. And I couldn't give a f***."

I'm willing to bet that the reader is going to scroll up and find out.

"Oh please dear reader! Scroll up and save us from this drama that has absolutely no merit to us!"

"MOOOOOO!"

*Sigh* By the way, I was informed by the writer that they don't want you swearing in the story.

"What the ****?"

Yeah... they said kids might be reading this, and they wouldn't want to offend anyone.

"What in the *** **** ****** **** ***** *****."

Yeah, we didn't catch anything that you said.

"Really?"

I think they're censoring you.

"Censoring me?"

Yeah, it was all *** out.

"You *** **** ** - **-* **- -*-* -*- * *-* -*** ** - -*-* **** -*-* **- -* -!!"

Were there even words said in that last sentence? Looked closer to morse code.

"I said what I said."

Great... now you're going to make the reader look up morse code. Congratulations. First, we're asking about their name, then making them word count, now we're making them look up morse code. This is terrible story-telling! I swear I'm going to get fired for this!

"Ah, correction! I'm not forcing them to do anything!"

Yes you are. It's instructed in the page, therefore, the reader has to follow along.

"I'm willing to bet they didn't do the sound when it got to 600 words."

Wait, which word was that?

"Name."

'Name' again? Weird.

"I mean... who is going to go through the painstaking task of counting every 122 words to make a cow noise? At this point, they're trusting 'the writer' on when it's every 122nd word."

Well, yeah, true. Just the same as someone looking up morse code to see what you said. They have to trust the reader that it wasn't a very nice thing you said."

"**** **."

What that in morse too?

"I don't know. Ask the writer. He wrote it."

But... we can't ask the writer. He's not here. At least not anymore.

"Wait, wait, wait... the reader is here, but not the writer?"

Unless the writer is reading it with the reader, I would assume not.

*Rolls eyes*. "So, the person who knows whether it's morse code or not isn't even here to give that information? That's some manipulation type shite that I've ever seen."

Yeah... writers have often been known to manipulating their audience. Just look at everything the reader has done so far because of the writer!

"Ah! But I'm willing to bet that the writer can't predict what I'm going to do next!"

But... wouldn't they have to for...?

"-Moo-"

"I'm going rogue."

Wait... what are you doing?

"I'm going to go at the edge of the margin, so you can't see-“

What? Can't see what?

"What I'm saying. I told you, I'm going rogue. I'm going command-"

That just looks strange.

"Oh! You're going to have a big probl-

This is ridiculous.

"Um, it's not ridiculous. It's brilli-

Please, you're just ruining the story even more.

"Aunt. And my cousin Sophi-

Now you're just rambling to fill up the word count.

"Ah! I almost forgot my Uncle George. H-

Who are you talking to?

"I would like to thank everyone who made this possible. I could -

What is even going on?

"Knot got caught up in my throat. That was no fun."

You done?

"Yeah. Did you catch my speech?"

No. I don't think anyone did.

"Oh, man! That speech went on for like 20 minutes!

*Glad we missed it* I’m sure it was a wonderful speech!

”I heard that!”

Heard what?

”That thought in your head! You think you can just-“

Oh! Well would you look at that? It’s almost at the end of the story! *Sweating profusely*

"Does that mean we’re done? Thank God, because I could use a nap"

”moo moo”

Hold on, though… They might want to reread the story again, and if they do, you'll have to stay up and do it all over again if that is the case.

"Seriously? Can we just give them a different part to read so I don't have to do it again?"

Uh... the story doesn't change once its published. They would have to read a different story.

"Fine. Give them part one and then part two. Part two they can read on the second go-around."

But how would we know if they're reading part two for the first time *after* they've read part one for a second time?

"Dammit. You're right. Just... tell them to do it. That way, we’ll both know that it’s been done, since they’ve done everything we’ve told them to do so far… right?”

Yeah, yeah! Ok, so… There’s a part two! Remember…. Read part two *only* when you have finished rereading part one. Got it? Ok.

Part Two

*Scroll down for part two*

Made ya look ;-)