300th Summer

triggher: Death/Loss

Summer was over, and so were we.

She died on August 31st

Every August 31st

I’d seen it happen now, 299 times, and 299 times I’d tried to stop it. I begged, I pleaded, i locked her away, i tried to sacrifice myself, but no matter what she always died on August 31st.

Hannah was 10 when she died. No one saw it coming. We were playing in the street as we had for the whole of summer. Me, Hannah, Jack and Isaac. We’d spent the whole summer playing games, exploring, telling stories and laughing. We camped out in our garden telling scary ghost stories and Mom had to bring Hannah inside because she got too scared.

I only took my eye off her for a second and then she was gone. Chasing the football out onto the street. She didn’t see the car. The Doctor said it was instant and she wouldn’t have suffered. Jack did. Jack broke his arm trying to push her out of the way. I’ll always remember that.

I remember the first time, like every time. Over and over again. It was about the 4th or 5th time before I realised something was wrong. I was reliving the same day over and over again, watching Hannah die, over and over.

At first I thought it was shock. Trauma. My mind replaying the worst day of my life.

Then I started remembering things before they happened. I knew what Mom made for breakfast. I knew Jack would knock on the door at half past nine, I knew Hannah would ask if we could play hide-and-seek before changing her mind and insisting on riding our bikes instead. I remembered the punchlines to all of Isaac’s terrible jokes before he told them.

By the sixth time, I knew I wasn’t remembering the day I was reliving it. There wasn’t a solution I hadn’t tried.; I begged, I lied, I locked Hannah in her bedroom, I gave all our bikes punctures, I threw the football away, but no matter what, Hannah still died on August 31st and I don’t know why.

I woke up at 8:45, exactly 12 seconds before my alarm. Just like the 299 times before, the tune banging in my head. I pulled on my football jersey and shorts which were crumbled on a pile next to my laundry bag, I sniffed them, one advantage of the time loop is that no matter how times in a row i wore them, they still always smelled fresh. I headed downstairs for breakfast.

Mum was making pancakes, at this point I’d have given my left arm for a bowl of cereal.

Hannah was watching cartoons on TV. Mum handed me a plate of pancakes and some orange juice..

“So, what are you guys up to today ” She asked. “Going out with Jack and Isaac ”I answered, already knowing her question before she asked it. We’re gonna race to the top of the Lester hill and see who can get down fastest” she smiled “honestly, it feels like that’s all you’ve done all summer.” I smiled, if only she knew.

“Right, I’ve got to go! Take Hannah with you, be good, and stay away from the road!” She picked up her keys and coffee, ruffled my hair and kissed me on the cheek.

299 times she’d told me, 299 times I’d failed to heed her warning. “Bye sweetie ”she shouted. Hannah was too distracted by the TV to reply. Mum never got a real goodbye in any of the loops.

I looked at my watch, 9:13. Jack would be here in 12 minutes. The phone rang, and I answered it before it had even stopped ringing “…on your car insurance” nuisance spam caller. I hung up.

I cleared away breakfast and made it to the door 6 seconds before Jack knocked. “boo!” I shouted, scaring him a little. “You ready?” “Yeah” “Mind if Hannah tags along?” “Sure, Isaac is meeting us up by Lester hill.”

I’d worked it out sometime around loop 150, I’d been doing this for years. We get 90 days of summer and I’ve seen this play out 299 times now. That’s 73 years. I should be 85 by now. But instead I’m 12, living out this summer over and over again. Waiting for my sister to die. Unable to stop it.

Right on cue, Hannah asked us to play hide-and-seek and then almost instantly changed her mind to bike riding. As we pushed our bikes through the street towards the park and towards Lester hill, something felt different this time. Hannah was quieter than usual. The other times she was jumping and skipping, asking Jack for a piggyback ride and laughing at his jokes, which even outside of this time loop, I could predict the punchline of a mile away.

I stopped her, telling the others to go on ahead. “What’s wrong?” I asked. She wouldn’t meet my gaze. She always did this ever since she was little, whenever something was wrong, she’d never make eye contact. “Hannah, what’s wrong?” She shrugged and shuffled her feet and mumbled under her breath “We’re running out of time.” I took a step back, did she know? How could she know? What if I wasn’t the only one who knew what was happening? “I’m tired Billy. I don’t want to do this again.” She looked at me, she looked tired, tired in a way no 10 year old should be, tired in the same way I was.

“How long have you known?” I asked, I had to know. I’d spent 299 summers, 73 years watching all this happen, thinking I was going through this alone, but I wasn’t.

“The whole time” she replied quietly. “I’m scared every time it happens. I don’t want to do it anymore, I just want it to stop.” She started to cry. I hated seeing her cry. I tried to comfort her, to hold her, but I knew nothing I could do or say could make it better. “How?” I asked, “how do we stop it?” She shook her head “I don’t know I remember you trying to save me all those times, I remember Jack breaking his arm every time. I don’t know how we stop it.”

“What if” she said, looking down again “you don’t save me? What if you just let it happen?” I was lost for words, I started to argue “I can’t just let you….” I couldn’t even say the word “You’re too young, we’ve not had enough time together.” She smiled, a weary smile, a smile that showed all the decades on her face in that moment “We’ve had all the time” she said “We’ve had 299 summers. Most people don’t get 299 summers.” She squeezed my hand “please” she said “please Billy, this time, please stop trying to save me.” I looked at her and I saw the little girl who used to get me to check under her bed for scary monsters. “But I’m your brother, I’m supposed to protect you.” she smiled again “You can’t protect me forever, and I can’t watch you waste your life trying to save mine.” She paused “Come on, the others are waiting for us., let’s go and enjoy the last day of summer.”

And so we did. We rode our bikes down the hill, we told jokes, we raced around and for a moment I forgot I’d lived this day so many times before, I forgot what was about to happen, because for the first time in 299 summers, I was living summer, I wasn’t waiting for it to end. As day went on, we got bored of bikes and decided to kick a ball around.

Isaac kicked the football, Jack missed and it rolled towards Hannah, she chased the ball towards the road. Jack ran after her. I took a deep breath and looked away. I heard the car horn beep, I heard the frantic shouting and I ran over to join the growing crowd.

I woke up at 8:45. I waited for the alarm, but this time it didn’t go off.

I checked the calendar.

September 1st.

Outside my bedroom window, the first leaves were beginning to turn.