Reciprocity

Ka’Mazi had found herself pinned to the floor. Another loss. Her friend Nalo had dropped her off at her Muay Thai class a few hours ago. Before starting, she had plenty of energy, and now she lay on her back, tired, with her eyes closed. As the sweat dripped from her hair and into her eyes, she quickly woke up. Found herself in a pool of her own sweat, drowning under her own bed sheets once again.

Summer nights on her canal-style houseboat felt like being in a sauna. Every sweaty night brought nightmares of the loss. Sometimes Nalo would lie next to her after stressful days when she struggled to sleep. Ka’Mazi had always found a way to wake up at 3 am with the moon's light slithering through the cracks of her swaying curtains to lie on her bed. As if to tell her the secrets the sky observed. The moon’s streaks never touched Nalo when she lay next to Ka’Mazi. As if to tell her that there was a reason she was the only one being informed of the moon’s knowledge.

They feared being in their twenties every day they aged, for they felt that every decision they made would only cause their future selves to be set back. Nalo struggled with failure most, so they always walked the pier as if the sun was her only guidance for finding her soul. For three summers, they chose to protect each other and support each other through learning how to be an adult. Yet no connection is ever promised. All their walks on the beach, late-night ice cream runs, learning how to surf, and taking Muay Thai turned into silence. Ka’Mazi knew Nalo wasn’t happy, and she regretted failing to support her as they agreed. Wished that she could step back for a moment and reverse time. To perhaps talk to her as she did the moon. To tell her truly how she felt about them. Now she gets reminders of what she lost every time the sweat rolls over her eyes.

It’s been a year since Nalo moved. Three summer anniversaries, and in two days she will have to accept that their commitment to living life together had broken.

The pier felt exceptionally long to walk today

Every sunray crawled under my skin, melting Ka’Mazi into my body with more passion than anger

We took a moment to play like children in the ocean as if recording a film of our lives

Synced breaths so passionately that when my eyes locked in your earthy brown gaze …

I can’t come to tell you how I wait for you to come home in hopes that we can break this silence

Perhaps we won’t find our way out and the days will get longer to walk through

Perhaps freeing myself is the only way to not taint our memories

-sorry- Nalo

The smell of sweat started to fill her nose as she began to rub her eyes.

Unpinned from the floor, she stared at the row of lights on the gym ceiling. She let out a sigh, trying to shake her own mind. Her body was done, but she was internally debating if she was ready yet. The clock on the wall tells her that she has fifteen minutes left before class ends. She feels the wave of doubt washing over her body like paint to the wall, so she waves goodbye to her sparring partner before leaving. Counting down every second of “if I was still here we’d be doing…” as if she is wronging herself for not completing her class. Not staying at her previous job. Not choosing to move in with a lover instead, she picked a friend and still got left as if she was a mistake to be with. Why does she feel Nalo is going to leave?

Her home is not far away, so she enjoys walking after class. When she decided to go off her usual path and stop at the beach for a moment, she saw Nalo sitting there. She decided to join her.

Both held hands in silence, letting the water peel the sand off their feet. Words unexchanged but feelings filled the skies around them, putting their stories on display. The skies then began to cry. Cry as if the lack of their communication was upsetting the world around them. They didn’t move. But they squeezed each other's hands and locked eyes for a moment.

Ka’Mazi knew she was staring at the love of her life. The friend she wanted to grow old with, and she wanted nothing more than to live in a delusional bliss of never having to let her go. Nalo always said they were soulmates. So intertwined that an absence would cause them to break. So they just stared at each other. Thinking the same but not knowing each other's thoughts. They separated the authenticity of their love by choosing to hold it as less significant than lovers. Decided that staying together as friends would force them to hold each other back from the possibility of better love. A possibility-

The rain began pouring more passionately from above and began to bring Nalo’s usually dense curly hair to a wavy melt. Nalo cried with the sky, and Ka’Mazi could see her face darkening from her intimate thoughts.

In a way, it shouldn’t bring me shame to want to spend the rest of my life with you

We created so many memories in the PNW

Hiking new trails, trying new hobbies, and touring plenty of coastal towns

I don’t hate being here with you

I just hate feeling like I’m holding you back from a true love

-sorry- Nalo

The water melted over both of their eyes, causing Ka’Mazi to wipe her face. As she began to remove her hands that brought about her sudden darkness, she found herself back in her bed. Staring into a bedroom full of everything she had loved- with no Nalo to complete it. 3 am with the moon’s light snuggled across the foot of her bed. Ever since Nalo had been gone, the moon hadn’t come to visit her much in the last 6 months. As if it had to be a light for someone else for a while.

The doorbell rang just as the lightbulb went off in her mind. Ka’Mazi thought about how she should visit Nalo before summer ends. Tell her everything and see if being on a video call once a month in a bonnet and moomoo is officially replacing sharing space. She smiled faintly to herself before proceeding to throw on a sweatshirt. She looked through the peephole at the familiar face before opening it. There stood Nalo? The love that she just realized she needed to complete her perspective of home… A possibility held as less than adequate because she forgot to value reciprocity.

She came back.

Ka’Mazi didn’t say anything once she opened the door. It was awkward for a moment before Nalo handed her a small collection of papers. She explained that it was everything she wrote to her before she left and while she was gone. Nalo didn’t come expecting forgiveness, but Ka’Mazi pulled her into a hug. She couldn’t help but let the tears fall down her face because for the past year she was struggling to accept that she drove Nalo away.

That’s how they started. Nalo came back, and they confessed everything. Two years later, they got married and chose to never separate. They accepted that it means more to them to have someone who reciprocates their love and wants to show up for their love than to accept something just to say that they have someone. When that lightbulb went off, she knew it was meant to be Nalo. And when Nalo came to the door, she had learned that the moon was really listening to her wishes.