I Tainted You

By the time I clambered up the ladder, the first ray of sunshine ambushed me. I shielded my eyes. It was a mistake to have prematurely removed the blinds so early in the morning when I’d vehemently cursed the architect responsible for this haphazard window since primary school. And that was only because I almost fell on my head that one time.

Floorboards creaked as I wandered to the shattered window. Birds warbled along to the rustling of trees.

Then and there, the gears of my artistic mind whirred at the appeal of this view. Using this shattered window as a reference for perspective, I could—

A passing breeze blew into my face and whisked away my train of thought. Sighing, I simply embraced the crisp air of dawn.

It hit me then how long a while since I’d done this. I pictured how stupid I must’ve looked to the other kids back when I couldn’t do anything but watch. It was a time where I was yet allowed to go outside, too young and too frail to even talk for myself…

I shook my head, not bothering to reminisce any further. Not until then, at least.

Specks of dust had swirled into a pandemonium as I turned back and let my eyes roam the attic, in search of what relevant items I might’ve missed. There, I stood stock still, frozen, when a pair of amber jewels grappled my heart into a chokehold.

The drop cloth that should’ve been covering her came undone at the slightest touch of wind. Her layered dress fluttered freely as she hiked it up to her knees and curtsied to me on the lake, all the while basking underneath the glory of the dying night.

Queasiness knotted in my shoulders. But my eyes remained fixed on her regardless.

Her thin lips bloomed into a welcoming smile, innocent and cheery. Deep within those eyes laid bare a distant, yearning look. The looming greenery that stood behind her and the shadowy reflections beneath accentuated her presence even more than I had imagined. I stared at her, and she stared back at me.

Cold sweat trickled down my neck. I gulped when my hands made to reach out for her, in hopes of cupping her rosy cheeks.

Every fiber of my being thrummed with eagerness, and on the cusp of my beating chest, my heart itched.

I hacked out a dry cough, and for a horrible moment, my vision fluctuated into white. Blinking, I reflexively took a step away from the gouache painting before tripping over myself. It even took a painful minute of realizing I hadn’t been breathing—no, I had forgotten how to breathe, as if it hadn’t been a necessary commodity to begin with. I had to manually work out my lungs, taking in mouthfuls of air. And each gasp, slowly but surely, became a refreshing drink that quenched my parched tongue.

My hand trembled. To this day, each stroke of the brush remained fervent in them. From the intricacies of her reserved fashion to the different shades of red strands of her styled-up hair… Not a single detail of hers omitted. It’d already been a year since, and yet my hand acted akin to that of a severed limb.

This piece… Leira Fontaine, the very piece that defined the pinnacle of my skills and the very ultimatum of which determined my relationship with this person.

The same girl who once knocked on my parent’s door and quite adorably, to my surprise, asked them for permission if she could play with me when other kids wouldn’t; to where we would do the stupidest adventures around town in search of stag beetles... to what unconventional gift we would choose for each other every special day… to how she would irritate me in high school, coaxing me to join in groups… and to when we would always share our grievances in life, giving ourselves a shoulder to cry on.

She had given me a myriad of emotions I’d never imagined experiencing in my life. Just being with her had made things easier. For thirteen years…

To think I’d shared a lot with her made me want to laugh, but all the more wistful. She was, and had been, my one and only dear friend, and we were the bestest of friends because of that.

During college, I really thought this bond I had with her was something I needn’t worry about. That was, until this painting happened.

I reached for the fabric on the floor and tossed it over the canvas.

I then let my back plop on the floor, wishing I’d left this piece in the gallery for all to leer at… Or perhaps let it burn in the chimney till it’s ash.

Here I was, thinking I’d already gotten past it, yet tears rolled down my temples, cascading into my ears. The idea of even selling it tore me apart, so much so that I was left here, gawking at the ceiling, wondering what to do.

Even so, I bit my lip.

My pride as a painter couldn’t allow it.

After a long while, the corrugated door of the moving truck rolled down to a grating shut once I’d loaded in the final box. I told the movers to go on ahead with the keys to my studio apartment, as I hadn’t eaten even a single loaf of bread since I was in a mad rush to move. It didn’t hurt to appease my hunger as of late when the Café was just along the direction of the main exit.

“Could you be…?”

Once I ordered, an elderly woman called out from behind. I turned around to the familiar voice, her face lighting up.

“Oh, you’re Mal, aren’t you?”

I nodded in greeting. “Mrs. Hayes,” I said with a sheepish smile and a light wave of a hand to the mayor’s spouse.

She stepped closer, bringing her face near mine, which made me lean back in confusion. With an unsteady hand, she adjusted her eyeglasses. “My, look at you, you’ve grown! You were just a gloomy teenager the last I saw you.”

I couldn’t help but let out a strained chuckle, scratching my cheek. “Uh, actually, Mrs. Hayes… we’ve last seen each other since, you know, the funeral,” I said, unsure how to word it any more gracefully.

“Oh, yes, yes… You’re right,” she said as if she had been in a long trance just now. “My sincerest apologies, Mal. Say, had it been two years?” She looked at me for confirmation, to which I nodded.

With thinned lips, she shook her head in a solemn manner. “I remember it to be a very sad day, so much so I wanted to forget. Your parents were great company, you know? It was just unfortunate to see them part away so soon.”

I sighed to myself, not out of shared sympathies, but out of the awkward atmosphere. Never did I really like talking about my parents, though I only have my impulsivity to blame when I could’ve avoided this line of conversation.

“Well, that’s all in the past now,” she said. “Almost went on a tangent there, but that’s not what I wanted to talk about. Is it true your house has been ransacked?”

“What?” I blurted out, flummoxed at the sudden turn to the topic as she rummaged for the phone in her purse.

“Your house! Dear, it’s been ransacked!” She shoved a picture in my face, showing two men carrying my couch towards their truck.

“Oh, that.” I snorted in amusement. “That’s just the moving company. No cause for concern.”

I politely smiled, letting her piece that information together by herself. Still, I was somewhat taken aback at how she got this picture, let alone the speed. She must’ve known the person who lived across my house. Then again, this was a small town with less than a thousand living here. Even for someone like me who rarely ever went out and had done minimal socializing, I would always—one way or another—manage to learn what the next door had to say about the next guy, even without meaning to.

She raised a treacherous brow. “You’re moving? Since when?”

“Today, actually.”

“Oh, but that’s sudden!” Her body almost swayed along with her despondence. “You should’ve told us or something ahead of time.”

“I appreciate it, Mrs. Hayes. But I figured I couldn’t let the job opportunity slip away for an esteemed painter such as myself… ‘Sides, I’ve barely interacted with anyone here anyway. Not like it would matter much.”

“Regardless! We could’ve at least given you a proper farewell, and perhaps some parting gifts.” She sighed. “What about that girlfriend of yours, you bringing her with?”

My cheeks stiffened. “No… and, for the record, we were only friends, really.”

“Really now? I’ve always seen you two together since you were kids. I would’ve thought you two might’ve had some children by now.”

“Mrs. Hayes!” I put a hand over my mouth, spluttering out a cough. Onlookers smirked.

She giggled. “Kidding, I'm kidding.”

Her attention slid to her phone as it lit up, and I thought our conversation ended there. But...

“Such a pity,” she mused, tapping on her phone before turning back to me. “Leira, was it? Now that I think about it, you even made that painting of her, didn’t you? Such a beautiful piece at that, too. I was sad not to see it again when I heard you’d apparently taken it away from the gallery. I remembered how the people flocked to it like sheeps and wouldn't shut up about it. She even got popular to be a model because of that, didn’t she?”

I stifled a wince, though my heart still wrenched at the memory.

“You young’uns have really outdone the old folks here.” She chuckled proudly. “Say, not that it’s my business, but why did you remove that masterpiece of yours, anyway?”

Why did I?

Even though I knew the answer, the question merely echoed in my skull. I couldn’t respond.

A bell chimed behind me, and the cashier called for my name, handing over my takeout.

“O-oh, thanks,” I said, before turning back to Mrs. Hayes. “I'd better get going now, Mrs. Hayes. I still need to catch up with the movers, and I have a lot to prepare for tomorrow, so…”

“I see.” She sighed, her shoulders drooping. “It’s already one thing to h’ve lost your parents, but you… It’s like losing another family member in this town, you know?”

I stayed silent at that, unable to utter a word, even if I wanted to.

“Well, I wouldn’t hold it against you. It’s your choice, after all,” she said with a smile. Though her words held warmth, I still caught the trace of sadness within them. “And I speak for the rest of this town that we wish you all the best out there.” She winked.

“I know this was sudden, Mrs. Hayes. But thank you,” I said, unable to help but return a warm smile of my own at her blessing, before saying my goodbyes.

Leaving your hometown meant that residents of the now will become the decadence of tomorrow, after all. Or at least that was the belief this town held. But I wasn't going to allow that to happen.

Once I’d made peace with the familiarity of it all, I maneuvered my car to the last bend, which now led straight to the exit. I was well around ten kilometers away from entering the main road when a person, at the corner of my eyes, fell from their bike before rushing themselves up forcefully on foot to cross me at the intersection.

Stomping on the brakes, my body lurched forward, almost banging my head into the steering wheel. And with a sickening thud on the hood of my car, I widened my eyes, thinking I might’ve run them over.

Instead, I found the woman able to raise herself up fine from seemingly having been face-planted onto the hood. Sweat trickled down her face as she dislodged the helmet from her shortened red hair. She simply stood there, gaping at me with a weak glare.

I quickly got out of my car. “Are you insane?! You could’ve landed yourself in the hospital for that stupid stunt of yours!”

“If it meant for you to stay, then I couldn’t ask for a better outcome!”

I sneered at her.

Her breathing labored, but that didn’t stop her from hurrying up to me, closing the gap between us. But I shied away from her, unwelcoming of her usual closeness.

A streak of pain welled up in her face. “Why…? I mean, how could you, Mal? Why didn’t you tell me you were planning to leave?”

I sighed, breaking away from her amber eyes. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to her right then.

“Tell me?” She pleaded, stepping closer to try to get a tight hold on my arms. “Tell me, please?”

I recoiled from her touch, still casting my gaze down. “...There’s really not much going on here. Just wanted something new, is all.”

“What? You’re bored, and that’s enough to warrant you avoiding me almost all year? And leave town without bothering to tell me?” She shook her head in utter disbelief. “Stop with that bullshit, Mal. Just, please, give it to me straight.”

“Well, I already did!” I finally faced her.

“You wouldn’t be looking away in the first place if you were,” she said, her voice cracking. Her eyes then darted to the ground and back into mine. “Could it be… The reason you’ve been ignoring me all this time was because I took away all that attention from you?”

I gritted my teeth, disappointed at her for thinking so. “You know damn well I never liked having their attention on me. I’m not like you, okay?”

“Then what the hell is it?! Am I just going to assume for the rest of my life that you left me because I’m nothing to you now? I won’t understand, Mal, not if you tell me—!”

“It’s because you’ve changed, Leira!” I clicked my tongue. “You weren’t the same person I once knew... Not since that painting happened.”

“Are you saying I shouldn’t have? That I should’ve stayed a boring woman forever?”

“You weren’t boring… You never were. And I don’t think you even realize how much I hate seeing you in that revealing get-up you’ve subjected yourself to. I’m not even sure if you’re the Leira I still know.”

She clenched her fist. “You’re being unfair, Mal. You were the one who changed my life for good. And now you just up and decide for yourself on what’s best for me? If it hadn’t been for Mrs. Hayes’ message, I would’ve…” she trailed off, choking on her sob, and I didn’t want to imagine what she would’ve followed with that.

“How could you?! After all this time we’ve spent together, and you just throw it all away like it’s nothing?”

“Would’ve been easier for both of us.”

“That's for you to say. You won’t even give me a choice…”

“Then… I’ll give you a one.”

Her eyes quivered as I looked her dead in the eye.

“Elope with me,” I said, clutching my chest.

Leira blinked. "Huh?"

“Elope with me,” I repeated, my voice solidified. “Forget everything here and live a new life with me.”

She faltered a step back. “B-but that’s just sudden. Where did that even come from? How did you… Why, and when-?”

“Because I painted you,” I said, earning me a dumbfounded look on her face. “That’s right, just like you, I haven’t been the same person you once knew when that painting came to be.”

“Then stay,” she said. Desperation bore in her eyes as she walked up to me, gripping both of my arms. “Just stay. At least then, I will have more time. So please—“

I shook my head. "There'd be no point then."

“Why…?” She locked my waist into her arms, hugging me tightly. “Why won’t you just stay?” Her voice muffled as she buried her face into my jacket. “Please… stay. I need you, alright? I love you, already. So please... stay with me.”

I didn’t return her hug, let alone comfort her. If anything, I was already disgusted with myself for having let this happen when I already knew deep down this would be her answer.

I grabbed hold of her shoulders, to which she lightly jumped at the touch. She must’ve mistaken herself, thinking I was aiming for her lips as she tilted her face to mine with closed eyes, offering herself.

Gently peeling myself away from her, I mumbled out a “Sorry…” before walking back to my car.

I shut the door and drove off.

The main road was just ahead, so I kept driving forward, trying not to look back as I blinked back tears from shedding.

Yet, my eyes darted to the side-view mirror, where she was hugged by Mrs. Hayes, comforting the trembling Leira as she bawled her eyes out.

I tightened my grip on the steering wheel.

Move on, I told myself. Move on.

-=-=-=-

It was already night before I realized it, and I wasn’t halfway done into unpacking.

The cityscape looked majestic under the moonlight.

And then, I saw myself.

My eyes were still red and puffy over the faded reflection of the window wall.

I walked to bed, wanting to sleep it off.

However, I found myself sitting in front of the rectangular packing on the couch. Soon as I unwrapped the packing, I was immediately bound by a pair of loving eyes.

I love you. So she said.

Her words echoed, replacing the woman with the one I knew and loved. And so, I pulled the frame into my arms and pressed my lips onto hers.