Grief of the Moon

“Your Majesty.” Antoni, my herald, walks into the decorated throne room, bowing before me and going down the list of the day’s responsibilities, grievances from the people, and planned decrees as he does every morning. Except today, I hardly pay him any mind. His voice muffling into mere echoes as my eyes drifted off towards a nearby portrait.

It has been well over a year since Valéry went… was lost to the universe's void. I’ve held countless holo-meetings with the people of Zike and Xenia and sent word to every inhabited planet in this system, but they know nothing. Their space pilots have not seen him, and their satellites have yet to locate his ship. Meanwhile, Director Alessio has tried to ward off the press by claiming to have found leads on his location. But I know that’s not true; the director knows it’s not true. And…

“Um, your Majesty…?” Antoni’s voice cuts through the noise of my thinking once more. I must have missed a question.

“Forgive me, Antoni, I… I didn’t quite catch what you asked.” I flash him a fake smile, moving my tired legs from their resting position on the throne.

Antoni shook his head, “No worries, your Majesty, I was merely asking on behalf of the Gardeners’ Association what kinds of flowers you would like planted for the annual Honeycomb Parade? And the people of the village are asking that the roads be repaved before the parade to prevent unnecessary damage.” He flips through pages nervously.

I can tell that he’s trying to make these tasks seem less than what they actually are, but a few “mere” questions quickly turned into a long list of demands accompanied by a blasting headache.

“Antoni, you have children, don’t you?” I hummed and let out a quiet sigh, resting my head on my palm.

He stopped reading the pages, slowly putting them down and resting his arms behind his back. “Yes, your Majesty, I have two daughters.”

“So… if, heavens forbid, one of them were to be lost or missing, would you expect me to summon you here for work instead of searching for them?” I move to cross my arms, lightly squeezing my left in an effort to remain calm.

“Um, no, your Majesty. I wouldn’t expect you to call me in; I’d be spending every waking moment looking for them.” Antoni’s replies were short and tense.

“Then why…” I begin to stand, fighting a losing battle against my anger. “Would you come into my throne room– essentially my home– claim to only be going about your daily duties, before bombarding me with demands?”

He frantically bowed his head to apologize, “Forgive me, your Majesty, I–”

I raise my hand, cutting off his apology as I continue, “Knowing that it has been far too long since I’ve seen my son, and knowing that I’ve spent every second of every day worrying about his well-being. Hoping that he’s found by the space guard, that they don’t bring me back news that he died somewhere in the cold of space without his mother.” I clench my fist and bring it towards my mouth. My nose was starting to burn up, and it almost felt hard to try to get the words out. Even so, I persist.

“I have given up so much for this empire since I was given the throne, and I know that I will continue to.” I stand from my throne, throwing my hands around as I speak and walk down the steps of the platform it sits on, approaching Antoni. “But above all else, I am a mother, and I have lost one of my children.” I stop in front of him, the furrowing of my eyebrows turning to a light wracking. “So, please, Mr. Antoni, do you think my concerns should be directed towards what flowers to plant for a parade?”

Antoni visibly trembled as I got closer. “Well… um, no? No, your Majesty.”

My breathing shallowed as my lips began to quiver. I was too close to crossing the line between hurt and anger, so I took a step back and sighed. “I mustn’t let anger consume me…” I mutter under my breath, a tear running down my cheek as I turn away from Antoni, hearing the back doors open.

“Mother..?” Seraphim. She must be returning from her training. “Mother, is everything alright? I heard yelling…” She comes from around the throne, her expression shifting as she sees me turned from Antoni, now in tears. “Antoni… what happened?”

He responds to Seraphim, his voice still shaky. “I had um, come to report some of the people’s questions for the parade and just happened to catch her Majesty at a bad time.”

Seraphim walks over to me, placing her hand on my shoulder as she speaks to me. “Mom, why don’t you head back to your room, and I’ll handle everything here, okay? I’ll meet you there.” She smiles at me in the same way I did to her in her youth.

I can’t bring myself to say anything in response, so I just give her a wavering smile and begin to walk off to the inner walls of the castle as I hear Seraphim and Antoni’s conversation fade away.

My shaky hands reach for my door, and I slip inside my room quickly and shut it behind me, letting out a long, shuddering sigh as I walk over and curl up onto my bed. I grab a nearby pillow, holding it tight into my chest and burying my face into it as my hair falls over it.

I let out muffled cries into the pillow, feeling the tears well up against its soft fabric. My poise has been slipping these past few months; each night that I’ve cried myself to sleep has been another night holding out hope that my son is still out there somewhere and that he will be found… only to be met with the reality of the situation. I hug the pillow tighter, taking in a shaky breath. What have I become? This… pain has made me reckless, it’s made me into an Empress who snaps at flowers of all things. The people deserve more than this; my daughter deserves more than this.

After what feels like hours of sobbing, I hear a knock at the door and look up quickly. I use my blanket to wipe away my tears and search for my clock to check the time. It had only been fifteen minutes since I got in. Looking back at the door and laying the pillow on my lap, I call out, “Come in!” My voice is still shaky, a slight crack slipping out as I speak.

The door opens slowly as Seraphim peeks her head in. “Mom, it’s me. I’ve handled everything with Antoni and the parade.” She stepped into the room slowly. I can tell she’s trying not to make a face when she sees the puffiness of my eyelids.

I nod and try to smile. “Thank you, Seraphim, you’re the best. My favorite daughter.”

She laughs as she joins me on the bed, cuddling up next to me. “I’m your only daughter, Mom.”

“Exactly.” I let out a short laugh, the tightness of my chest keeping me from laughing any more. “I’m… I’m sorry that you had to cover for me like that again. You shouldn’t have an Empress's responsibilities when you’re so young.”

Seraphim shakes her head and looks up to me. “No, it’s okay, Mom. I know that Val’s disappearance has been really hard on you. It’s been hard for me, too.”

“I know, dear,” I trail off, feeling my throat tighten again, “I just, I wish I could more… put together for you, to teach you to be strong in these moments, but…” I can see Seraphim sitting up in the corner of my eye, the image blurring with tears. “First, it was your father, and I know you were far too young to remember, but he was just as adamant as your brother to go up there. Th–... that’s what made my conversation with Val that night so hard for me.” My voice begins to crack, and my breathing gets cut off by short sniffles. “Because it was like I was talking to your father all over again. And now…”

Seraphim wraps her arms around me in a hug as I break out into tears. She rubs circles around my back as she rests her head on mine. “It’s okay, Mom… just let it all out.” I catch a slight tremble in her voice. “You’re doing the best you can, and we’re going to find Val, and it’ll be okay, I promise. I mean, we know Val, right? He’s smart enough to be personally chosen by Director Alessio as a Captain. And, he’s super brave, braver than half the knight force in here.” She slowly stops rubbing my back, looking down at me with a smirk. “Although, y’know, I would call it him being stubborn.” Clearly, she was joking, trying to lift my spirits. “Plus, Val would want you to take care of yourself, to try and… keep while he’s making his way back to us.”

I try to stop crying as I push myself off to look at her, eyebrows furrowed as streaks of tears run down my cheeks. “Seraphim. I… appreciate you trying to cheer me up, but your brother could be dead right now.” I can feel a frown tugging my lips, trying to cover my voice cracks with slow breaths. “And you and I could be sitting here holding onto a false sense of hope that he’ll actually come back. Just like I was with your father. So why… why do you keep on believing that he might actually come back?”

She frowned, slouching a little and resting her hands on her lap. “Well, Mom, somebody has to hold out hope that things will work out. If no one does, then things will remain as they are, constant wallowing, being blinded by grief and anger, and losing ourselves to the worry of reality instead of hoping on what could be.” Seraphim smiled, and I could swear that she was… glowing. “We’ve got a kind of responsibility to lead the way and light the path for everyone else. Sure, maybe the people didn’t know Val as we did, but if we allow our grief and anger to consume us, then that’ll reflect on how we treat our Empire and thus how successful or not we are. So, no matter what happens, no matter how much time passes, we have to hold out hope that things will get better and that, one day, Val will come back to us.”

I feel my tears start to well up against my eyelids again. She’s grown, now emanating a kind of hopeful energy. The kind that he used to. I fell back onto her shoulder, watching as my tears fell onto the bedsheets. “You’re right, Sera, it’s all going to be okay. Maybe not today, but… someday.”