Stones in a Jar

She answered the phone.

“How is life?”, he started.

“Same old. Best friend drowning to the toxic puddle with her new boyfriend, deaf to anyone suggesting she heal before she bleeds again. Sister is still bumming money to sustain her habit. Brother cut me off, convinced I am the poison, instead of our dead beat mother. Besides that, I am fucking great!”

“Haha, sounds like you are doing alright!”

“Yeah, like I said last week, I should have chosen the lifeline where I lived in your city instead!”

“Yeah… sorry.” 

He continued, “Listen, I read a snappy meme and it made me think of you. It goes like this:”

“Healthy life is a glass jar. First you put in the stones – the foundations of a happy life. Then the pebbles – things other people give you. And finally the sand – the empty spaces.”

“Right, where are you going with this?”, she asked.

“It continues –”

She interrupted, “Let me guess. People wired for trauma, like me, pack their jars tight with jagged pebbles. No stones, just gravel. Dead weight from those who never reciprocate.”

“Yeah, exactly! How did you know?”

“I saw the same meme.”, she gave a sly smile.

“Haha! The algorithms got us… anyway, I think it goes deeper. It’s about recognition of unrequited devotion.”

“Right. You end up taking the pretty stones out and replace them with gravel from the undeserving people. You make room to carry their misery, completely forgetting you ever had a life of your own, instead existing only to be exhausted with other people's shit. Thank you! I totally get it!”

“I was also thinking about objectification.”

“Go on”, she said.

“When love is reciprocated in relationships, the image of the other person isn’t static, it’s dynamic. You don’t love the image you want them to be, but you accept their change.”

“Yeah, right. Like my family caring only about me when they need to dump their emotional toxic waste on me, so their own homes stay clean. Afterwards they just forget, that I am a person too.”

“Yeah, or how my ex wanted me to become her image, trapping me to shoes I’ve grown out of. Deep love is a bridge to the future, a canvas painted over and over again.”

“Someone to support the dreams.”

“Right!”

“Right.”

After the silence started to feel a bit too thin, he continued, “Umm, you know that I am very thankful for how you supported me through the divorce these past six months, right?”

“Of course I did. You give a shit about me, I give a shit about you too. Thanks for saying it, but of course I knew.”

“It just kind of makes me sad, the way you are these days. Always burned and tired. Well, not always but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I am not like you. Six months, and you are dating dozens of girls, having the time of your life, moving forward. I kind of envy your energy sometimes. Give me some of that! Haha!”, she giggled, sharp and warm.

“Well, it didn’t come easy. You know my past.”

“I know. It is good that you are still here. If only I had a wake-up call like that. Something to make me live everyday to the fullest.”

“Nah, you don’t really want that”

“Yeah, maybe I don’t.”

He said, “I just can’t keep on wondering what happened, because I remember you a bit differently. But I guess even back then, you kind of identified as an emotional toxic waste drum. Everyone just poured their shit into you before dispatching to the deep seas for illegal dumping.”

“I don’t know what happened, or if you just remember a version of me that never existed? I always had people around me who abused my affection. Maybe I was reliving some childhood traumas or some shit like that. Always needed someone to constantly ruin a normal day with their own mess.”

“You know, sometimes it feels like you spend too much time in the deep seas. The water is not blue, it is black, because there is no sun. Maybe slightly illuminating from all the toxic shit. No future. No energy.”

“I know I do, but what can I do?”, she asked.

“I don’t know. It is as if you are still punishing yourself for things that happened decades ago. You always keep enough toxicity around you so that the prison feels safe and familiar. Tough love is a heart-shaped box and you are not trapped inside; you are trapping yourself there.”

“At our age, everyone knows their flaws and still can’t fix them. You know I’ve tried all kinds of therapies and it does nothing. Nothing changes.”

“Therapy can not fix your toxic environment. Of course it doesn’t work. I had to leave my ex to fix myself. That is why I feel better.”, he pushed, trying to prove a point.

“You are starting to piss me off! You are overanalyzing everything, trying to fix me as if I am some kind of puzzle. I am not a puzzle, I am a person who just wants to be recognized, like everyone else.”

“I know, I honestly do. And you are right. I am just wondering what happened to that girl who danced with me light as a feather, who had dreams and people who put the smile back on her face. Today, your baseline is gloomy at best.”

“Stop it! I am not a problem to be solved, remember! You promised!”

“I know, sorry. It’s just…”

“It’s just your shadow again. The over-brained, over-thinking problem solver, overachieving everything! Like a boy trying to become a man!”

“I think you are overreacting.”

“You always strive for recognition of your ideas, instead of acts of kindness. Don’t be that with me. I know you have a kind heart, too. Use that.”

“Okay, I’ll try. Sorry.”

“You know, I know my situation. I don’t need dreams or energy or change or freedom. I need one person to listen. To be there for me. Someone who understands me and allows me to be flawed like the good father I never had.”

“Yeah, but…”

“You are already enough for me, you don’t have to be more. Stay as you are and stay with me. I need that, nothing more.”

“It just doesn’t feel fair.”

“Is my life particularly fair?” she snapped.

“Listen! Why did I have to resolve my toxic environment by divorcing my ex. We were soul mates at the best of times, you know that.”

“An abusive soul mate, who almost cost your life!”

“It was hard for me to make such a big decision. It hurts, you know. Then why is it too much for you to set healthy boundaries for your family? You too need safe space for yourself. You know that too!”

“Ah, just so that I can become the person you remember me to be when I lived near you?”

“Why you are allowed to torture yourself for unrequited love when I was not?”

“Sorry, I need to go. See you later.”

But she didn’t hang up, and he tried to give it a conclusion, “Okay then, bye.”

“Wait! I… I need to think about my gravel problem, but don't push it, okay? You are really important. Bye!”

She hung up.