The Life of a Son

CW: Physical violence, mental health

Hal poured them each a cup of black coffee. He pulled out a pack of Marlboro Reds from his shirt pocket, knocked two out, put them in his lips, and slid the pack back into his shirt pocket. He pulled a lighter from his jeans and used one hand as a wind guard and the other to light the tip of both cigarettes. He inhaled deeply, the tips burning a bright orange, and he let out a stream of smoke through the sides of his lips.

“Here,” he said, handing one to Benny.

“I don’t smoke.”

“You aren’t a smoker because you smoked one cigarette. The same way you ain’t a man just because you have a cock. Now take the damn thing.”

Hal took a deep drag and exhaled like a sleeping dragon. There was a silence between the two of them.

“Go on,” Hal said.

Benny put the cigarette in his mouth and took a small puff, careful not to inhale too deeply into his lungs. He flicked the end of it, ash falling into an ashtray. He felt almost distinguished.

“You may know it, you may not. But I ain’t your father, Benny.”

“Yeah, I guessed it. Figured I always knew. Somewhere.”

“That don’t mean I ain’t your dad.”

“I know it.”

“I’ll always be your dad.”

“I know.”

“Okay,” Hal said. He sipped his coffee, inhaled his cigarette.

Benny wanted to ask, Do you know who is? but he never brought himself to ask. Partly because he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to think of another man being his father. It couldn’t be helped now. He would always have that pull in the back of his mind. When he thought of who is father was he would always picture Hal, but there would also now be a dark figure, like a shadow in his thoughts; a void. He took a sip of his coffee and a quick drag from his cigarette.

“You been up to see mom?”

Hal sat up in his chair. “She ain’t doing too well.”

“Yeah.”

“Hard to watch her like that.”

“Mhm.”

The two of them, one a boy one a man, loved the same woman in different ways yet in all the same ways.

“You seen her recently?” Hal asked.

“Last month.”

“Doctor said yesterday - er maybe the day before - no, definitely yesterday he said this. Said she had a moment of clarity. At least he thought so. Said he could see it in her eyes.”

“That’s where I miss her the most,” Benny said.

Hal grunted in agreement. Benny looked out the window, the snow heavy on the limbs of the pine trees. Every now and then a cloud of snow would blow off the roof. The fire was warm behind him. A stellar jay squawked outside as it perched on a limb of a naked aspen. The sun was bright yet it was cold. A soft wind blew puffs of snow from the limbs of the trees. The soft barking of dogs from down the road was the only noise when the jay flew away.

Benny finished his coffee and grabbed his bag and car keys and drove himself to school. Hal watched him go from the window, heard the soft ease of the snowpack as he drove slowly down the driveway.

Benny didn’t go straight to school. Along the way he stopped in to see his mother at the hospital. He knew it wasn’t visiting hours and that they wouldn’t let him see her but just to be in the same building as her brought him a sense of calmness.

The secretary smiled at him and held up a finger while she talked to somebody else on the phone. The lobby always smelled the same: cheap air freshener with no recognizable scent, old magazine paper, and loneliness.

“Benny,” the woman said with a warmth in her tone. “What can I do for you?”

“How are you, Ms. Shane?”

“Good, honey. Real good. You okay?”

“I’m okay. Just thinking about my mom is all. She doing okay?”

“Grab a seat. I’ll see if Dr. Allen’s in. You need anything?”

“No, thank you.”

He sat down in the waiting room, a soft radio playing overhead. It was playing an older song that he didn’t recognize, but he liked the way it sounded. It relaxed him. A short while later, the doctor came out and greeted him.

“Would you like to step outside?” he asked. “It’s cold but the sun is good.” Benny nodded.

They went around the side of the building to a small picnic table. “How are you, Benny?”

“I’m okay. You?”

“Fine, fine.”

“How is she? My mother, I mean.”

“How old are you, Benny?”

“Seventeen.”

“Too old to pretend yet too young to want to tell you the truth.”

“I can handle it.”

“It isn’t exactly clear right now.” Benny nodded, looking at the snow. “I believe she is going through what is called late onset schizophrenia.” Benny nodded again. “It’s not common, but it does happen.”

“Can you fix it?”

“There’s nothing to fix, exactly. Only manage.”

“You know what caused it?”

“It’s hard to say. Stress, family history. Hell, Benny, nothing at all. It’s just there.”

“Yeah.”

Dr. Allen looked at him and saw the guilt in his face. “It isn’t your fault,” he said. “There’s not any fault to be placed here. It’s just a thing that happened.” Benny nodded. “She’s responding well to mediations though. Still trying to find the right dosage. Balancing this one with that one.”

Benny felt tears well up in his eyes and felt his jaws grow tight. He let them fall, allowed himself to cry. He felt comfortable there. “That’s good,” he said.

“Will we see you this weekend?”

“Yeah,” he said wiping his face. “Yeah, I’ll be here.”

Dr. Allen placed a hand on Benny’s back. “It isn’t easy, the things you’re going through. But if you’re anything like your mother, you’re strong, too. I see that in both of you.”

Benny let out a breath and pulled himself up. “Thanks,” he said.

“You’re welcome. I have to get back inside. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“No. Thanks for talking to me.” Then, “And for helping my mom.”

He smiled. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“Yeah.”

“Better go on then. I’ll see you.”

“Yeah.”

Dr. Allen went inside with a badge through the side door. Benny sat at the picnic table. The clouds were soft and gentle in the sky and the air was crisp. He kicked his legs out and sat back, resting his hands on his stomach. He felt his breath. The air was cold on his face as he closed his eyes. He tried to picture his mother from before. The way her smile was and the soft brown of her eyes. But he could only picture the woman he saw six months ago. She was frail, hadn’t eaten for nearly a week. She hadn’t showered in twice as long. Her hair was stringy and unmanaged. Her eyes were busy and terrified. She was scared in a way he had never thought of before.

“Stay inside,” she said. “They’re coming to kill us all.”

When he left to go to school, she clung to him with absolute terror. She cried and screamed, told him not to go, said she didn’t want him to die and that she loved him so much and that she couldn’t let that happen. That’s the face he pictured. He opened his eyes and went to school.

Hal got to the job site. They were building a housing a development on a plot of land and all the houses looked the same. Not only on the outside, but their guts were the same too. That’s what Hal did. He worked on the guts of houses. They were working on the electrical. It was cold, but the snow had stopped and they were back to working until the next snowstorm.

A ragged man, near the same age as Hal, walked up to him. He was in an ill-fitted black trapper hat. His facial hair was stubby and unkempt. He smelled like feet and eggs.

“You tell him?” the man asked.

“Yeah. I told ‘im.”

“Well?” the man said, pleading. “What he say?”

“Nothin’.”

“Nothin’? The fuck you mean nothin’?”

“He’s a smart kid.”

“He know it’s me?”

“Damn it, Pat. The kid’s smart. Real smart. What the hell you want me to say to him? Huh? ‘Your old man’s a deadbeat alcoholic. Name’s Pat.’?”

Pat winced. “I don’t know. He know it’s me?”

Hal let out a sigh and put his tools down. “He wouldn’t know you from a guy named Joe that lives in Vermont. What difference does it make?”

“Well,” Pat started. “I wanna see ‘im.”

“See him?” Hal scoffed. “What good would that do?”

“A boy deserves to know his father.”

Hal grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. Hal lifted him off the ground with both hands, spit flying from his mouth as he spoke. “He knows who his goddamn father is.”

“Hey, I ain’t sayin’ nothin’. I just wanna meet him. That’s all. That’s it.”

Hal held him there for a moment, then dropped him to his feet. “He’s going through a lot right now. He don’t need you coming around making his life more difficult.”

“How about tonight? What if I stopped by?”

Hal looked at him, only his eyes sliding to look at him. “You come around my house and I swear to everything I love that I’ll kill you. The boy’s going through enough.”

“Just once, to see what he’s like. Let him decide.”

“I let him decide. He don’t want nothin’ to do with you.”

“And how do you know?”

“I just know.”

There was a silence between the two of them. “Well I’m just sayin’,” said Pat. “I’d like to meet him.”

“What difference is there from today and the last seventeen years, Pat?”

Pat didn’t say anything. The two men sat in the cold of the house frame. The cold sun was bright and the sky was a bold light blue. Traffic went by on the highway and it made it feel windier than it was. Hal took his hat off and then his coat and got back to work.

Dr. Allen was in a small office big enough for his desk and a couch and a small chair in the corner. It had no windows and was illuminated only by his lamp that gave a warm yellow glow. He always had the overhead fluorescent light off because it gave him a headache. He found that it also made his patients more agitated. He was there with Benny’s mother, Vanessa. She was in a yellow shirt and gray sweatpants. She hadn’t showered in two weeks and she had the odor of a urinary tract infection.

“I saw Benny today,” he told her.

“He’s still alive!” she yelled. Then she started to sob. “Thank God. God is good! Thank God!”

“He says he’s coming tomorrow.”

Her crying slowed and she looked at him. “No!” she yelled. “He can’t come here. Not with them outside. They’ll kill him. Then they’ll kill me and you and Shane and everybody. That’s what they’re telling me.”

“Who?”

She started laughing to herself. “Them,” she smiled. Then she pointed behind him. “The boy and the girl. They tell me these things. Like not to take a shower because it’s actually poisonous and you all are trying to kill me.” Then she got serious and she got very angry. “They’re telling on you.”

“Have you taken your medication today, Van?”

“No. I’m never taking them again. It made them go away and when they go away I don’t feel safe.”

“Okay,” he said.

“You’re trying to kill me. It’s in the lamp. The lamp is emitting a radiation, isn’t it? That’s what they told me. And I believe them. I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you. You’re trying to kill me in here.” Then, “HELP! HELP ME!” She got up and ran to the door and tried to open it but it was locked. She looked back at Dr. Allen over her shoulder. “He-e-e-e-lp,” she whimpered. Then she slid to the floor and covered her hands with her face. She curled into a ball on the ground, weeping.

Dr. Allen took notes. He called the front desk and asked them to open his door and to be careful when the opened it so that they wouldn’t scare her anymore. “Make sure she gets her medications soon. And we need to get her looked at by a medical doctor. I think she has a UTI.”

That night, Hal made steaks on the grill on the back patio. It was a cold evening, already down to only ten degrees. He put potatoes in the oven wrapped in foil. He drank a can of beer while he cooked. Benny was doing homework in the living room when he heard a knock on the door. He got up and saw a strange man outside.

“Hello?” Benny said as he opened the door. “Can I hep you?”

“Benny?” the man said.

“Yeah.”

“I’m Pat,” the man said. He stuck a hand out.

Hal came in. Saw Pat there. “Pat,” he said. “What’re you doing here?”

“Just thought I’d take you up on that offer of dinner tonight,” he said.

Hal clenched his teeth. “Benny, go get your plate. Food’s done.”

“All right,” he said.

Pat walked in behind Benny. He slid in and closed the door behind him with a dull thud.

“I told you not to come here,” Hal said.

“I just had to see him, Hal. I just had to. It’s been weighing heavy on me.”

“You smell like somebody doused you in whiskey.”

“I had a few.”

“You always have a few.”

“I won’t say nothin’, Hal. I swear it. Let me stay.”

Hal looked at him with contempt and disgrace. He saw the way the man’s eyes were red and swollen. He imagined, as he often did, the way he looked naked next to his wife and the two of them kissing each other.

“You need to leave, Pat.”

“Goddamn it, Hal,” he yelled. “I ain’t fuckin’ leavin’!”

Hal grabbed him by his throat and slammed him backwards into the door. He held him there, pressing hard against the ball in his throat. Pat squirmed and choked.

“Don’t you ever raise your voice in this household. That boy,” Hal said and looked over his shoulder. Tears started to form in his eyes. “That boy is all I got left. Do you hear me? That boy,” Hal said and the tears started coming more like a slow stream, “that boy is all I got.”

“Well I ain’t got nothin’. Nothin’ at all!”

“That’s your own goddamn fault.”

Hal loosened his grip. He heard the soft clinks of silverware on plates in the kitchen. The smell of steaks wafted through the air. Hal opened the door and ushered Pat out.

“I already told you. I ain’t leavin’ til I get to see my boy.”

“Your boy?” Benny was in the hall behind them.

The two men turned around. Hal’s eyes were red and swollen. He felt Pat walk by him and he stared at the way Benny observed the man. The way he looked at his eyes and nose and chin and cheeks and the way that he reflected that on himself and the way that he saw the resemblances.

“I’m your daddy,” Pat said. “It’s so nice to finally see you. You look good!”

Benny looked at Hal and saw the way that such a big man could be so broken. He looked back at the drunk man in front of him. He had taken his hat off, revealing a bald spot in the back of his head and stringy, greasy hair that came down just over his ears.

Benny saw the resemblance. He also saw the differences. He felt more like Hal than he looked like Pat. He saw Hal in the doorway, waiting on him to do something.

“My dad is behind you.”

“Listen, I been wanting to see you for a long time. Why do you think Hal told you he wasn’t your dad, huh? That was my doin’. I wanted you to know. I been wanting to see you, son.”

He heard son come from his mouth and felt nothing. He expected to feel sad or angry or hurt or alone or curious. But he didn’t feel anything.

“I already have a father. I don’t need another one.”

Pat’s smile faded into a frown and he reached out to grab Benny’s hand. Then, like a grizzly bear, he felt a heavy squeeze on his forearm. He felt it tighten even through his jacket.

“Don’t you touch him. Benny, go eat your food. I’ll be in in just a second.” Then, when Benny left, to Pat he said, “Leave.”

“Just one more-”

“Pat, we’ve been friends a long time. A damn long time. But I’ll do anything to protect that boy. You got your answer. He decided. Now don’t make me hurt you.”

Pat jerked his arm away. Drops of water from the melted snow on him splashed around him. “I been waitin’,” he said. “I been waitin’ a long time, Hal. I started to, I don’t know, miss him I guess.”

“You got your answer. He has his. I won’t say it again.”

Pat started to say something when Hal’s massive fist caught him in the mouth. He stumbled backwards into the wall. Hal hit him again. Then he hit him a third time. Blood came from his nose and mouth. Hal grabbed him by the back of the neck and threw him out the door. He rolled down the stairs and landed in the soft snow. Hal slammed the door.