Jeffrey and the technicolor lizard people

This story contains violence, abuse, and mature themes. Reader discretion is advised.

“I’ll take some questions. Let’s go. You in the blue.”

“Yes, thank you, Mr. President–sir. Now that Canada is the 51st state, what will you do with all the Canadians you’ve placed in camps?”

“Excuse me, who are you with?”

“The Associated Press.”

“Oh, fake news, fake news. You people are sick. You’re a disgrace, you know that? You should be fired. And I mean out of a cannon. Next question.”

A cacophony of voices erupted, each trying to shout their question over the other.

“You, the lovely lady in red. What a beautiful woman you are. Yes, let’s go.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. May I say your hair is looking magnificent today. My question, sir, we’re all dying to know. What is your favorite color?”

“Excellent question. Excellent. Who are you with?”

“The Semiautomatic Tribune”

“Never heard of it, but it must be a lovely news outlet. Well, I have to say my favorite color is green. The color of money. Great question. OK, you in the pinstripe suit.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. What are you going to do with the treasonous Canadian Parliament?”

“Great question. Excellent question. We’re going to be tough but fair. We can’t allow them to simply go back into the general population. No–no. They will be tried by a special court that I’ve just created called the “Trump 45th Circuit Court.” It’s the best court. No one else holds court like these people.

These honorable justices that I’ve appointed will give them a fair trial, and once they’re found guilty they will be summarily executed. In the middle of Times Square, which is of course now called Trump Square.

It should have always been Trump Square. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it.”

Just then, a rumbling started outside the press room doors. The sound of shouting and gunfire could be heard in the corridor. Frightened gasps and confusion could be heard among the reporters in the room.

“What is that!?” A female reporter shrieked.

A bald man in a suit burst through the door before shutting and locking it behind him. “They’re coming! It’s the Canadians!”

“That can’t be! They don’t have an army!” a reporter from the crowd said.

The doors were kicked open by men of Middle Eastern descent wearing turbans embroidered with red Maple Leaves.

In a thick Indian accent, the man in front said, “EVERYBODY DOWN!”

The man fired his automatic weapon into the ceiling.

“Where is Trump?”

Everyone looked to the desk where Trump had just been and he seemed to have vanished. Secret service members looked around but dared not move.

Under the desk Trump was hiding. He had hoped it would never come to this. He needed to get out of there. He pressed the big red button under his desk.

The window and a great deal of the east wall exploded inward. Splinters of wood and glass shot out into the crowd. The reporters and the armed invaders shielded themselves. There was also a bright light, like a flashbang that accompanied the shrapnel.

A mighty animalistic roar shook the room. Trump’s desk flew into the intruders at a speed that seemed impossible. The desk hit the soldiers with such force that it knocked them back several feet.

Where the desk had been, a short, fat, orange, humanoid lizard with a blonde coif stood.

“Jeffrey! I need you!” it said.

Jeffrey Epstein flew in on a hoverboard like The Green Goblin. He was decked out in black tactical gear, and had two bandoliers of hand grenades strapped across his chest.

“Your master is here. I would never let you die, Donald!”

With that, he unpinned a grenade and threw it into the crowd of Canadian forces that were still recovering from being hit by the desk. They cried out in fear before being blown to pieces.

The reporters screamed and wailed. Some jumped out of the hole in the wall.

“Are you injured?”

“No Jeffrey. You got here just in time. Although, my knee does have a bit of an Ouchy. Can you kiss it better?”

Epstein looked down at the scrape on his faithful servant’s knee. Like a dark knight Templar, Jeffrey bent down and kissed the boo boo better. Donald hissed with joy.

“There now. It’s all better. We must return to the ship. There are more soldiers coming. The White House has been surrounded.”

“Impossible! We have the greatest military! The best ever!”

“I didn’t want to have to tell you this Donny, but we have reason to believe there’s a mole in your government. Once we get back to the ship I’ll debrief you. For now you’ve got to get back into the ball.”

“No Jeffrey! Not the ball. I’ll do anything but that. It’s cramped and there’s no children in there.”

“I’m sorry Donny, but you know it’s the only way.”

Epstein produced a small red and white ball and threw it at Trump. It hit him in the head as Epstein said the sacred words.

“Donald, Return!”

With a fading cry, Donald Trump disappeared into the ball. Epstein picked it up, clipped it to his belt among the others, and flew away.

***

Meanwhile, a few thousand miles away in an underground lair, a man sat at a desk watching a monitor. His office was lined with glass windows from floor to ceiling. A fire crackled in a white marble fireplace. The phone rang on the desk.

“Trudy. Phone…TRUDY!”

A beautiful brunette woman in black rimmed glasses and a pencil skirt shot to attention. She had been sleeping on the floor again. She fixed her glasses on her nose. “Yes Elon?”

“Ah. um…Trudy. Can’t you see I’m very hard at work here? I-I-I-I-I don’t have time for such pedestrian actions as answering the phone. I need to make sure you’re committed to the future. My communications must be optimized, um…completely…Yes. If I catch you sleeping again, it’s 20 lashes.”

“But… sir,” she went on sheepishly, “I haven’t slept in days… You won’t let me go home, and I need to feed my–”

He slammed his fist on the desk, spilling Mountain Dew and Doritos onto the polar bear skin rug.

“Judy! You just earned yourself 10…mmm. Yes…10 lashes. Now give me the phone and report to the dungeon.”

Trudy walked solemnly over to Elon’s desk and handed him the phone, which had been within arm’s reach the entire time. Trudy turned, hung her head, and walked out of the office muttering, “It’s Trudy…”

“What was that!?”

“Oh nothing, your benevolence.”

“I told you to call me, Technoking!” Elon picked up a full can of Mountain Dew and chucked it at her, narrowly missing her head before putting the receiver to his ear.

“Go for Elon.”

A man with a heavy Chinese accent spoke, “Mr. Musk. I do hope everything is on schedule.”

Elon Musk sat up straight. “Yes, Mr. Jinping, President, sir.”

Xi Jinping sat at his desk in a dark room fingering the button on a device, thinking about flipping the switch. “Good… It seems your little coup has failed. I would hate to find out that the second phase of the plan was anything but running smoothly.”

“Uh... um... Yes… Well, we always knew the Canadians weren’t reliable. They umm… yes… They were umm… Weren’t important to the mission anyway. I was umm… using them as a distraction. Yes.”

“Good. My sources tell me that Donald Trump has finally revealed his true form, and escaped with Epstein. Initiate phase two.”

“Uh…Yes. Of course your worship.”

“Elon…It’s benevolent Chairman of the people. I won’t tell you again.”

“Oh, uh…Of course.”

“And Elon…”

“Yes?”

“Don’t fuck this up.”

Elon gulped and hung up the phone.

“TRUDYYYYYYY!”

***

In the sky, high above the clouds of the flat earth hung a giant floating pyramid the size of a continent. It looked as though it had been plucked out of an Egyptian desert. Epstein approached on his hoverboard, and a door opened in the side, revealing a magnificently large loading dock. Everything inside from top to bottom was steel, and little lights blinked on the wall and floor, guiding entry.

Epstein disembarked his hoverboard and used the transporter to teleport to the bridge.

“Shalom.”

The large, humanoid lizard rabbi spoke with a raspy voice betraying his countless years, as he stroked his long white sideburns. “Shalom, Jeffrey. You bring news from the surface?”

Epstein knelt and bowed his head. “I do, Rabbi Cohen. Trump has failed. We were able to take Canada, but they were able to get to the White House somehow. I was barely able to escape with him alive.”

The lizard rabbi continued to stroke his sideburns, pondering the situation. “Hmmm…”

“Rabbi, have we figured out who the mole was that allowed the Canadians to pass our defenses?”

“Of course we have. We see all. The mole is–”

Suddenly, Rabbi Cohen’s head exploded and Epstein recoiled in shock. All around the bridge, the lizard rabbis’ heads began popping like a bag of popcorn in the microwave.

Jeffrey cried out, “ELONNNNNN!” right before his head exploded. It was obvious, Epstein did not kill himself.

***

Elon Musk raced in his Cybertruck along the winding highways of a cliff overlooking the ocean. The sun shone on his face and wind whipped through his hair. He was listening to a news report about a giant floating pyramid crashing to Earth when his phone rang.

“Go for Elon.”

“Excellent work, Mr. Musk. Phase two is complete.”

“Uh, of course, Chairman. There was never any doubt. Those lizard rabbis are finished. Now we can celebrate. Yes.”

“I will allow you one hour to celebrate. Then it’s back to work.”

“Thank you, Chairman, you’re too kind.”

He hung up the phone and looked over to Trudy in the passenger seat. Trudy was wearing sunglasses and a bonnet that fluttered in the breeze.

“Great work, Trudy. Now come here.” They embraced, kissing each other deeply.

Breaking away, Elon took on a look of confusion. “I thought you said phase two wasn’t ready? What happened?”

Trudy’s normal voice changed to a deeper voice with a thick Slovenian accent.

“Phase two was never going to happen. Not with a fool like you at the helm.”

Trudy reached under her chin and pulled her face off, revealing Melania Trump, while she drew a pistol.

“Pull over!”

Elon pulled over. A whining sound emitted from the EV.

“Goddamnit, I-I knew it. How long have you been Trudy?”

“Long enough. Now kill the engine.”

“You’ve been the mole all along, haven’t you? What happened to those lizard rabbis?”

“Remember the experimental microscopic drones we developed last summer? Well, they’re not so experimental anymore.”

With that, Melania put two bullets in Elon’s chest and one in the head. She reached across his dead body and opened the door. His corpse fell face first onto the road.

Just as Melania put her sunglasses on and got ready to drive off, a flaming Poké Ball fell from the sky, bounced through the passenger side window, and landed on the passenger seat. The force of the fall caused it to open, summoning Lizard Trump.

“Melania?”

“Donald?”

“Where the hell are we?”

“What were you doing in a Poké Ball? And why are you a lizard?”

Donald leaned over Melania and looked out her window at Elon Musk’s corpse “…Is that who I think it is?”

They both began to cackle maniacally as they drove off into the sunset together.