Condition: Used. As seen on Facebook Marketplace

FOR SALE-USED HUMANS

$1000 (ono)

Individual prices listed below.

Description

I have a selection of used humans for sale. Some have only seen light use, while others show signs of heavy wear and tear and have been discounted accordingly.

1. Nosey neighbour. Although this might seem like a poor investment, this model is very observant. She is able to maintain a vigilant neighbourhood watch and has her finger on the pulse of all that is happening in our street. She can save you money on private investigators, so I believe she is well worth the asking price, and I can’t regret every dull minute spent engaged in banal front yard chats while putting the bins out or collecting the mail. Her second-to-none observational skills detected a shiny new pink Suzuki Swift parked in my driveway at the same time each day, between 2.30 and 4.30pm, leaving just before I came home from work.

Moving house, so in need of a quick sale. $300.

2. Office colleagues. An eclectic collection of humans that work well together and are full of interesting information. Their water cooler conversation is priceless. They always have Netflix suggestions, funny gossip and Friday drinks at the pub. Can brighten up the dullest of work environments. Regretful sale, but I have no room for them in the new job.

$200 per individual, or $500 for the group.

3. Therapists. I have poured hours into these models, and they have made all the right sounds accompanied by encouraging head nods, so I believe they work fine. I can’t promise that you will have the same results as me, but I am reliably informed that if you keep pouring money into them, these therapy models do achieve fantastic results. They are now surplus to my needs, so it is time to pass them on to someone who is better suited and able to spend the time and resources to reach their fullest potential. $200

4. A best friend. An incredibly rare find! This best friend has all the extras. She’s extra nice, extroverted, and extravagant. Have had her since new, always treated her well and kept up with her maintenance over the years. She drives a bright pink Swift that might need a repaint because of some superficial scratches that may or may not have been accidental, however, it does not detract from her functionality. I’m only selling due to moving on. $100

5. Father-in-law. This model has been great for the few years that I’ve had him. Very supportive, a great handyman. Good for those extra little jobs around the house that you don’t have time for. He was a disappointment in the son-raising category, though, so I’ve included him as a freebie to sweeten the deal if you purchase the son.

6. Husband. Well used, well loved, well traveled and you’re welcome to him. Make an offer.

I would prefer to sell as a lot for $1000, but will consider separating for the right price. All offers considered. No lowballs. I have invested many years into these humans and need to cover my costs.

Seller information

Mandy Ellis

Joined Facebook in 2018

Details

Condition- used

Hi Mandy, I am interested in your therapy models. Are they still available, and do you have any more information about them? -Sarah

Hi Sarah. Yes, the therapy models are still available. I have very little information about them except to say they work hard at making little problems seem bigger and masking big problems until you don’t notice them anymore. Is that what you’re after? -Mandy

Hey Mandy. Thanks for your reply. No, I’m after a model that can work equally well on big and small problems. Thanks for your time. -Sarah.

Good evening, Mandy. I am interested in your work colleagues. How many are you offering, and are you willing to split? -John.

Hey John, there are three altogether, and they work best as a team. Not sure how they would go separately, or if their functionality and performance would be retained. You are welcome to try, however, I would prefer to sell as a group. -Mandy

Thanks, Mandy. I only need one colleague at present. My workspace doesn't have very much room. If you haven’t managed to find a buyer by next week, may I contact you again? -John

Not a problem, John. Feel free to message me again next week. -Mandy

Hello Mandy. I am interested in the husband that you have advertised on marketplace. Is the model reliable? -Josie.

Hello Josie. Unfortunately, this model has not proven to be as reliable as I was led to believe when I purchased him three years ago. He is pretty, though and looks good on the surface, so he can easily pass the most cursory of inspections. You’re welcome to view. -Mandy.

Thanks, Mandy. I will swing by after I pick my car up from the repair shop tomorrow. It should be around 2.30pm. -Josie

Sorry, Josie, I won’t be home from work then. If you want to view, I can leave him out. Can you please place the money under the door mat. Shall we say $50 to take him away? I can throw in the father-in-law too. He’s great value. -Mandy.

Thanks Mandy, but I don’t need the in-laws yet. Money is under the door mat. -Josie.

Good afternoon, Mandy. You have a Nosey Neighbour listed on marketplace. I’m after the model that house-sits for you when you’re on holiday and feeds the animals. Is this the model you have? -Kade.

I’m sorry, Kade. My nosey neighbour just observes the comings and goings on the street. She’s very good at it and knows everything about everyone. She saw a pink Swift at my place today, and it was only in the driveway for a minute. Her powers of observation are truly remarkable, but I have never tried her with house-sitting or pet minding. -Mandy

WANTED

Rebound relationship/friendship.

Free, no strings.

Nothing fancy or too serious. Looking for light-hearted fun after heartache. No perverts or sleezebags need apply. Must be honest and reliable with no previous issues or prior commitments. Meet up at Paddy’s at 5.30pm for inspection and trial run.

Seller information

Mandy Ellis

Joined Facebook in 2018

Details

Condition- new

Good afternoon, Mandy. Do you still have those work colleagues? I’m still looking for just one. -John.

Hi John. Yes, the colleagues are still available. I can meet you somewhere after work today to discuss them and let you see their banter in action. That way, you could pick the one that best suits your needs. -Mandy.

Sure, that sounds like a good plan. Shall we meet at Paddy’s at 5.30? -John.