A Moment Please

“Is it wrong that I see my friends as deities?” says Alan to his therapist while examining the content s of the room.

He notices the light peeking through the medium size window reflecting off frames in the office that offer warm but neutral photos. He notices that 2 frames in particular that hold degrees from 2 different schools but is not sure if they are considered prestigious schools. Alan rubs his hands along the sensory pillow to comfort him in his word choice and his line of questioning.

“In what way do you see these friends as deities? Are these people you worship or would worship?” returns a line of questions from his therapist maintaining a neutral face as she faces him

“No, nothing like that it’s just each one of these guys is powerful, strong, wise, and kind like no other people I have met. You know some people might have a few of those characteristics, but not all have all of them and especially not boast about them. Sometimes I feel like a man walking among giants with them though I am the tallest out the group. Eh, I’m not even sure that line of questioning make sense so we can forget that I even asked and please don’t put that in your notes.”

The therapist adjusts herself and leans forward as if closing the personal gap but maintaining the professional space before asking. “I remember in our last session you asked something that sounds like it may pertain to this. So only if your comfortable I would like to know if this have anything to do with what you shared last week in this space.”

“You could say that.” Alan says as he holds her eye contact for what feels like an eternity.

“If I may since the seems to be something to be recurring issue, would you like to speak about it now—”

“No, I’m not ready just yet but I would like to go back to my original question I asked you honestly.” Alan says as he shakes his head to push out the thought of opening up that can of worms that he is not ready for.

The atmosphere in the room is warm and mellow. There was no drama behind Alan’s dramatic no but there was unshakeable resolve that let the therapist no that was one thing she was not getting out of him today. She jotted down a note before returning to the conversation.

“I don’t know if it’s wrong to see your friends as deities since you don’t worship them because it is not my profession to say what is right or what is not. But I would want to explore why there seems to be a way bigger gap between you and those you consider your best friends. Like how come your not on the same level or not equals.”

“I think it is because these are the friends that are always doing something and going places figuratively and literally. They inspire me to be better than yesterday and always feels like I am trying to catch up to them, but I am yapping at their heels as they are already in the next room or the next flight.” Ding! His phone gives an alert, but he ignores it as he wraps up his thoughts.

“Well, our time is coming to an end for this session, but I would like to leave you with this. You have this notion that the people you surround yourself are not an extension of yourself yet if you were not then why would they keep you around or hang around you in your big age? If you see them as these deities as you put it, then confess to them what they mean to you and leave it all out there. Secondly if these deities as you put them are only as real as you make them then there presence will never be gone as long as you hold them near to you. Until next week and Mr. Alan, don’t forget to use those coping skills that we used in the last session.”

Ding! Ding! Ding! The group chat is going off as Mr. Alan descends down the steps instead of taking the elevator. The warmth from the outside sun beams through the glass windows but Mr. Alan feels numb and cold. As each step feels like a step closer to putting off what he meant to do at the top of the season and here it summer is about to end in a week. He makes his way to the last step but before he hits the door his pocket starts buzzing alive. He reaches in pocket and answers the call without checking who it is and say “yello” with an emphasis on the southern draw of the word yellow to mean hello.

“You know we’re suppose to meet in like an hour for the food and you haven’t responded to any of the memes or jokes in the group chat. Don’t tell me you forgot what was going on today?” says his friend on the phone

Paralyzed by the words. Head pounding as forehead begins to see beads of sweat begin to form and slowly roll down to where the cell phone is. Tongue has lost all moisture to where it feels like sandpaper or cotton ball has absorbed every trace of saliva that was in his mouth.

“Cat got your tongue?” the voice on the other line says

“That’s my fault man I was in my biweekly therapy session dealing with some issues from this past week, but all is good for me to meet you boys in an hour.” Said Alan with confidence in his voice.

“I love that you said you were going to go therapy to work on your issues and you actually follow up to take care of your issues instead of doing what regular guys might do.”

“I don’t think you meant any offense by that. At least I don’t think you did but what do normal people do since I am not normal people?”

“I definitely meant no offense, but you know the usual temporary fixes: sleep around, have their friends be their therapist, push down their feelings, or get a new hobby that takes up all their time. You didn’t do that you decided to tackle them head on and I love that for you!”

“Haha, I appreciate the clarification man but let me get off here because my mom is calling and I just went straight from the gym to my session.”

“You went into your therapy smelling like weights and ass yeah she about to give your ass another diagnosis. Don’t know what it’ll be but probably something about you disgusting and not taking care of yourself. Haha but seriously man I love you and I’ll see you in a bit.

Alan gets off the phone and makes it into his apartment building as he was walking and talking, and his therapist is a part of the community. The fact that it was walking distance from his own residence and a part of his community gave Alan the incentive to make this therapist work unlike the other therapists he ghosted when they confronted his logic.

It was walks like just like this that had helped many times after a session when Alan needed to clear or put the session into a perspective. Today the resonating thoughts of “deities” and “presence” kept swimming around and would not leave.

“Confess she says,” he mockingly says as he hits his front doorstep with the keys sliding into the keyhole to reveal a semi clean apartment. The smell of last night’s dinner in the trash circles around his nose close enough letting him know he forgot to take the trash out. “Confess to my friends that this is going to feel like a gut punch when they all have great jobs and careers taking them away from this place where we all met and now have to split like we’re Scooby Doo and the gang.”

He checks his phone and sees he has 45 minutes left before he must meet the guys at the restaurant. He walks over to the bathroom mirror and stares at himself. Alan takes a long hard stare at himself and realizes what he sees is the current and past self but really can’t see what the future holds for him. At least in any positive light, that he could hope for himself.

“So, she said I should confess. Confess to these people…my heroes that the amount of sadness I’m going to feel when they all depart on their separate flights to change the world. Confess to these people that I will never let it show the amount of sadness I will feel for all the stupid things we didn’t get to do because life with its responsibilities kept getting in the way. How about hey guys! I know this is an amazing thing you have to do but do you really need to take these jobs to have that much impact? Yeah yeah, I know,” Alan answers back to their fake answers of the people that aren’t in the room. “This has and always be your dream that was selfish of me to confess how I feel and hope it was received.”

Alan groans as he turns the knob to let the shower water run and play some melodic music to hopefully drown out his thoughts. Letting the cold water fall on him as it feels like pellets of ice since he turned the water to be colder than normal. This felt like his own punishment for thinking this way and because it would cause him to want to get out of the shower quickly.

He hopped out the shower, lotioned up and grabbed something out of the closet that looked like it went together. Once done he was in his car and at the location with time to spare before his friends would arrive. Look at me doing my usual things like this is an usual outing even though it’s anything but that.

He saw them file in one by one in the parking lot of their favorite restaurant/bar that they loved to hang out at. He saw in his rearview each one of them pulling out gifts from their backseats before going in with bro hugs lasting longer as to pour their strength and might into it. They file into the front door and he follows with his gifts in hands.

“Yessss, I win the bet! They totally thought you would bail but I knew you wouldn’t! Not on an evening like this and not after you have skipped a lot of the past events that you said you were going to be at.” Says John as he runs over to embrace Alan in a big bear hug rocking him back and forth. Alan returns the embrace with an equally strong one.

Out of the corner of his eyes he sees the other guys pull out their phones to open their banking apps and go to Zelle. “Haha damn you guys had little faith in me I see.” Alan says while laughing after pulling out of the embrace.

“Well statistically speaking I figured no matter of importance of the event. I figured you would fall the same pattern that you had followed the whole summer.” Spoke Myron

“That’s fair I had been ducking and dodging you guys but you know work and life.” Said Alan

“No, no we don’t,” Tim says a little hastily, “You don’t respond to the group chat anymore, you’re damn near the first person to cancel plans before they’re actualized, and don’t you work for yourself? So can’t you choose when and when you don’t work?”

The temperature of the room has shifted and it’s not from too many drinks since no waiter has come over yet and there’s no drinks on the table. Just gifts and concerned faces around this round table.

“You know we had pact to enjoy the summers as much as we can whether near or far until life presents itself to where we can’t do that. On top of that its one week until fall starts and this is the first we have really seen you face to face.”

At that moment a waitress walks over with 5 waters placing them down on the table and mouths to know in particular that I’ll give you guys some time before I come back over.

Alan grabs one of the glasses to take a sip before clearing his throat, “A moment please” as everybody takes their seat with their arms folded and minds open.