In Good Company

There are three kind of cadets. The tough guys, who swagger around intoxicated by their own bravado. They have wet dreams about guns and wielding power that only a weapon could give them. They’ve known their whole lives they’d be soldiers because they lack in any imagination or creativity to do anything else. The bullies, if you will.

Then there are the guys that aren’t here by choice. The school screw ups that thought service was better option than flipping burgers. The ones that saw the military as a free pass to room and board and a rare opportunity to be told exactly how to live their lives without having to use a modicum of initiative. The down and outs.

And lastly, the wanna be Supermen with a hero complex. The fellas that think it’s an honour to give their life for King and country. To take out the bad guys, to be the saviour, the protector, the legend! I think of them as the romantics.

And if you ask me which of these boxes I fit in, well perhaps you can help me out there because I’ve been trying to work that out myself. Excuse the cliche, but I joined because I had a chip on my shoulder and something to prove. I was using being a soldier is a smokescreen and I didn’t realise that until the end of my first year.

It was the final assessment, we were field training, doing a navigation exercise. We’d spent the day hiking through the forest with all the equipment and had to set up temporary shelters for the night. It had been a long day to say the least. I’d had the misfortune of hiking with Reeves and Miller. Bullies (see above), who believed themselves to be gods gift to military service.

They’d spent most of the 8 hours talking about women they’d had, disbursed with women they wanted to have. Some of the others had joined in. Notably Parker, who described in eye watering detail the things he’d like to do with Debra, the woman from the uniform office. I laughed when I had to, mmm’d and ahhh’d if someone looked at me directly but otherwise kept my head down.

I’d been given the 3 till 5 watch, but absolutely couldn’t sleep waiting for my alarm to go off. The sleeping roll was too thin and no matter how I altered myself, something was digging into me and it didn’t matter how tired I was, I couldn’t turn my brain off. I checked the time and it was 2:35. With a frustrated huff, I got up and pulled my boots and coat on making my way to the watch position in torch light.

Montgomery was sitting with his back against a tree. I turned the torch off as I sat next to him slightly further around the trunk.

“You’re early,” he said.

“Couldn’t sleep, take an extra 20 minutes if you want. Shall I do a perimeter?”

“No, I’ll do it when I clock off in a bit. I don’t want Murphy doing checks and finding me not here.”

“Okay,” I said to him and we sat in companionable silence. The fresh air felt better than the stuffy tent. My body ached from exhaustion. Knowing there was just a few days of term and then two weeks of leave was the only thing keeping me together. I rested my head back and pictured the tree in my dads garden I’d sat against hundreds of time growing up.

“How’d you get on on the hike today?” Montgomery asked.

Now at this point I was an average cadet, I kept to myself and fit squarely in the middle of the pack, never excelling or falling behind. But Carrion Montgomery had never even grazed mediocre. He was a serial overachiever. The strongest, the fastest, the best marksman, best climber, best navigator and he probably made the nicest cup of tea. I’d heard his dad was a Colonel so maybe it was just in his genes but this guy was anything but a nepotism hire. He was the man, if we were all honest with ourselves, we fantasised about being. He even had the nerve to have the best hair in our year, dark, thick and glossy with just the hint of a wave.

I sighed with a slight chuckle in response. “I was behind Reeves and Miller.” I offered and he huffed a small laugh.

“I bet that was enlightening.”

“Not sure that’s a word that’s ever been used to describe those two,” I replied.

“No.” and we were quiet again in the hush of the forest. The tree we sat against was at the edge of the clearing we were using as camp and moonlight kept it from being pitch black, but it was still dark. If I faced Montgomery I could just make out his features. But the stars were bold and bright and shimmering through the line of tree cover, they would be my company for the next few hours.

“Got any plans for Easter break?” I asked. I don’t think I’d ever had a conversation with him before, I wasn’t really in the habit of making small talk with any of the other cadets.

“Just going home,” he said casually.

“Where’s that?” I asked looking at my boots stretched out ahead of me, hands in my lap gripping the torch.

“Isle of Wight. You?”

“London,” I answered.

“You’re going home too?”

“Yeh, see my friends and family,” I shrugged.

“Friends?” He asked not stated.

“Yes,” I laughed, “I have friends.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean I thought you didn’t.” He said politely. There was a small pause before he said. “Actually no, that is actually exactly what I meant.” We both chuckled quietly as to not wake anyone. Maybe I should have been offended but honestly, it was a fair assessment.

“I’m not Ricky Martin but I have a small group of of friends.”

“Ricky Martin? That was the most up to date pop culture reference you could come up with?” We laughed again.

“He was the first person I thought of.” I didn’t tell him I’d read an article about a gender reveal party he’d thrown where he’d invited 200 guests, it was in one of my mum’s magazines she’d left on the breakfast bar at home. I think the reference was humiliation enough.

“It’s lucky you already have friends.” He said jovially. He was much more easy going than I’d expected him to be. You’d think someone so impressive would be a bit more serious. I could add easy conversationalist to his list of accolades . When the chuckles ended, I sighed a heavy breath, ridding myself of the last of the weight of the day, already feeling lighter.

“I don’t have many friends as it goes,” I admitted. Surprising myself with my candor.

“Why do you think that is?” He asked which was absolutely not the response I was expecting. Montgomery wasn’t the man I’d pictured him to be.

“Pffft, that’s a big question,” I said in avoidance of answering it.

“Can I offer up a suggestion?” I wasn’t sure I wanted any home truths about why I was unlikeable to be honest. But he didn’t give me a chance to answer when he continued. “I think friendship is vulnerability.” He stated, as if a fact. “Nobody can get to know you if you aren’t being yourself and from what I’ve seen, you seem like a pretty quiet guy.” I nodded, which he obviously couldn’t see in the darkness but it struck me as funny that in the almost black was when I had felt most seen. “Bet you weren’t expecting life advice from your night watch today.” he joked.

“Not on my bingo card,” I said but my voice must have cracked because he put his hand on my shoulder. I’m not really sure why those words had rattled me. I think just someone noticing me combined with overwhelming tired had let the words slip in and hit a nerve.

“Sorry if I overstepped,” he said apologetically.

“No, no, don’t please.” I said, regaining composure. “I just haven’t had enough sleep.” Which was very true.

“And you spent the day with Reeves and Miller, you’ve been through enough.” He was lightening the mood and doing a good job of it. He squeezed my shoulder and removed his hand. I don’t know why I said it really. I think I just felt he’d given me permission to be the real me, even if just for an unexpected conversation on the crossing of night watch.

“You want to know what I was doing while they were talking about every woman within a 25 mile radius? In my head, I was singing Girl Worth Fighting For from the Mulan soundtrack.” He laughed and I felt my body sink further into the tree from the relief he didn’t call me a weirdo and slope off to bed.

“I can’t say I know it,” he said with a smile in his tone.

“You’ll have to take my word for it that it’s a slept on Disney Classic and very fitting for the situation.” I said fiddling with the zip on my open coat.

“Noted. I’ll give it a listen when I’m reunited with my phone.” He paused before he said. “Is there a girl at home you’re fighting for?”

I don’t know if it was the tree at my back, the exhaustion or maybe just the light relief of a friendly voice in the dark, but the barriers I’d spent my life cocooned by weren’t there when I replied.

“No, I don’t like girls.” It was out of my mouth and then I stopped breathing while I waited for the tree roots to drag me into the cold wet earth.

“Fair enough.” He said as if I said I preferred crisps to chocolate not told him the secret I spend my waking hours guarding. “I don’t have anyone at home either, I guess we can’t all be as popular as Reeves and Miller.”

“I guess not.” At a complete loss for anything else to say. I just couldn’t believe that I’d randomly shared that information and they didn’t even care. In all my imaginings of this conversation there was always a fallout.

He started talking about a girl he’d been dating before he left for basic training, how they’d broken up but he planned to see her over break. The story went in one ear and out the other. He didn’t care I was gay! I made listening noises when it felt right, all the while lost in a torrent of my own thoughts. When he was finished, he sheepishly thanked me for listening and got up to do a patrol before going to his tent to sleep.

“Goodnight,” he said before leaving. “Hey,” he said turning to face me before he left earshot. “Now you can add another friend to your list.” I smiled as he walked away. “You’ll be Ricky Martin in no time” he called over his shoulder and I laughed the first real laugh I could remember.

Now could you imagine a less likely scenario changing your life? But I tell you, this is my story and that’s exactly what happened. In that 2 hours I was on watch between me and the stars I realised that nobody cared about my sexuality, and if they did then it said more about them than it did me. Now I’m not saying I shouted it from the mountain tops the next day. I still couldn’t bring myself to say the word gay! But it did come out slowly and each person I told was easier than the last.

And me and Miller got married a few years later. Just kidding! This is a happy story!