How Much Could It Hurt?

Summer was over, and so were we. We got to share the entire three months this time, and it had been three months of bliss with Gavin - running my hands through his sleek brown hair, staring into his deep gray eyes, feeling the soft touch of his lips. Gavin was sweet, and handsome, and perfect.

But he wasn’t mine.

Gavin and I have known each other for over a decade, always pining after each other, but knowing a relationship is the one thing we can’t have.

It started sophomore year of high school. I was freshly sixteen, and Gavin was the most beautiful man I had ever met. We had biology together, and I had been gushing to my best friend Sam all semester about how perfect he was.

“Just ask him out already,” Sam said after catching me staring one afternoon.

“I can’t,” I sighed. “He has a girlfriend.”

It was then that Gavin looked in our direction, and he smiled at us. He had always had perfect teeth, and I was so jealous that he never had to go through the experience of having braces.

“Maybe he doesn’t like her that much.” Sam said, and I smacked her arm. She shrugged, the bell ringing, signaling that my time to catch glimpses of Gavin was almost over. But then again, maybe Sam was right …

Later that day, Sam texted me. We weren’t allowed to have our phones out at school, and Sam tended to be a stickler for the rules, so I was surprised to see her breaking one. I reached into my bag to tap the screen on.

“Gavin and his girlfriend broke up,” it read.

“No way, how did you find out???” I typed back.

“I asked him.” She responded.

I gasped, then threw a hand over my mouth, my teacher eying me suspiciously. I quickly zipped my backpack up, my face turning bright red.

I didn’t look at my phone at all the rest of the day, too scared of getting it taken away. I didn’t see Sam either, or Gavin. When I finally made it to my car at the end of the day, I had three texts from Sam and another text from an unknown number.

I felt my eyes bulge. No, she wouldn’t. Would she? I quickly swiped into the message thread with Sam to see what I’d missed.

“He’s actually so nice, I see why you have a crush on this guy.”

“Him and his girlfriend apparently broke up just this morning.”

“He thinks you’re hot. I gave him your number.”

Turns out, she would. I could feel my palms start to sweat as I swiped over to the text from the unknown number. I held my breath as I opened the thread.

“Hi, this is Gavin :). I hope it’s okay that Sam gave me your number.”

Oh my god, this is mortifying, I thought. Do I text back? What did he and Sam talk about? Everything about this is embarrassing. But then again, it’s Gavin. Of course I texted him back.

I went over to his house that night. It was a warm night in May, and the sky was clear enough for me to see all the stars. I took it as a good omen.

Gavin opened the door, smiling bright and inviting me in. His mom made us salmon for dinner. She has always been an amazing cook. “It’s so nice to meet you, Lillie.” She said to me. I nodded my head in agreement.

Gavin and I lay outside all night, just talking and staring up at the stars. He didn’t even seem sad about his breakup, which was perfect news for me. We decided to hang out again the next night.

We went on dates all summer, or at least I referred to them as dates. Gavin never really specified, and I assumed he was too burned by his last relationship to label ours too soon. As the months ticked on, I could tell my parents were falling in love with him too. We shared meals, beds, evenings, kisses. Our lives became so intertwined that I could no longer see the line between who he was and who I was anymore. I’d never met someone so perfect.

And then September hit, and junior year had officially started. Gavin stopped inviting me over all the time. He said it was because he was busy, that classes had him swamped. But then the texts slowed too, and eventually I found out he was dating a new girl. Stacey, I think her name was. I was crushed. Sam held me while I cried over the end of my non-relationship.

Sam told me to block him, but I couldn’t. Gavin and I texted sporadically throughout the school year. I was attached, and I didn’t want to let him go. So I didn’t. And then, when prom rolled around, neither of us had dates. We went together, and that spiraled into another euphoric summer.

Eventually, we ended up sleeping together. After that, I was hooked beyond repair. I couldn’t stand being separated from him. Gavin was my favorite person, and it felt like I was his. His mom started getting me little gifts, just because. A hat she saw at the store that reminded her of me. A freshly made batch of brownies to take home. A new toy for our family cat. I spent more time at Gavin’s house that summer than my own. My mom started coming over with me, and then our moms became friends. It felt like I was going to get my happily ever after, after all.

Senior year was different. Gavin and I never really “broke up”, but we also had yet to define our relationship. We started looking at colleges. I told Gavin I’d apply to the same school as him so we could go together, and he told me I needed to be my own person.

So, I tried. I decided I wanted to study accounting, because I’d always been good at math, but not in an engineering way. And I didn’t want to try that hard for the rest of my life. Accounting felt like a good career, it felt safe. All schools have business programs, so I excitedly told Gavin that we could go to college together after all. He frowned at me, and then refused to tell me where he was applying so I could make my own decisions. I cried to Sam about this too.

I started lying to Sam, telling her that Gavin and I decided to go different ways because our lives were heading down different paths. This ended up being truer than I realized, but I didn’t want Sam to know how obsessed I was with this boy. I didn’t want her to think I was crazy for being in love with my summer fling.

When college acceptances started rolling in, I was shocked to find out that Gavin was attending a university in Massachusetts, while I was attending a school in our home state of Texas. We were going to be so far apart from each other, and there was nothing I could do about it. I cried alone in my bedroom that night. Then, Sam told me she had gotten into the same school as Gavin.

I didn’t tell her that Gavin was going to be there. Part of me hoped they would never see each other and we could all move on. Most of me hoped that Gavin would constantly be reminded about me because of my best friend’s presence, and he would move back home.

That summer before the move, Gavin and I started hanging out in secret. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Sam that I had gone back to the boy that was breaking my heart, and I couldn’t bring myself to let my mom become more attached to our future. I was already attached to our future.

Sam eventually texted me about seeing Gavin on campus. And then about hanging out with Gavin. And then about how weird it was that she was in Massachusetts hanging out with Gavin while I was so far away in Texas. I tried to laugh it off.

Gavin came back for summer break. I texted him immediately. I saw Gavin maybe fifty times that summer. I saw Sam twice.

The texts between Sam and me started dwindling. It was the natural way of growing apart. She also stopped updating me about seeing Gavin around campus, until one day I received a worrisome text.

“I have a serious question to ask you,” it read.

“Yeah?” I replied.

“Are you still in love with Gavin?” She asked.

“Of course not!” I responded immediately. Only I could understand how much I was still in love with him.

“Okay … I have a confession to make.” She finally typed back, after several minutes of dots appearing and disappearing over and over again.

Oh, no, I remember thinking. My heart rate started picking up. I felt my palms break out in a sweat. I almost dropped the phone before Sam responded. But eventually, she did.

“Gavin and I started dating a month ago.” She said, “I’m so sorry for not telling you sooner. It all happened so fast, and getting to know him and spending so much time with him here, well, I see why you liked him in the first place.”

I wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. How DARE she date the man that I’ve been dating for years. And how DARE Gavin go after my best friend. Was this all a big joke to them? Was this all a long con to ruin my life?

I never responded to Sam. I couldn’t bring myself to. I even stopped talking to Gavin for a little while. It felt like the right thing to do, to let them have their happily ever after.

But then, Gavin texted me in June, letting me know he was home for the summer and that he wanted to see me. I figured they must have broken up. I never bothered to ask. Gavin and I continued our cycle all summer - hooking up, sneaking around at night, getting ice cream on a random Tuesday afternoon. Everything felt like it was back to normal.

Until I saw he and Sam in the same vehicle for a drive-in movie. Until I saw them kissing, and cuddling, and leaning on each other all night. Turns out, they had not broken up, but I never confronted Gavin about it. I decided I could be selfish this one time. He clearly wanted me, right? After all, he had texted me.

Every year was the same after that. Gavin came home for the summer and asked for my attention. He and Sam never broke up. When they graduated, they moved back to our hometown and Sam reached out to me. She told me she was engaged to Gavin and she missed me. She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids, and I said yes.

That summer, Gavin told me he wished he was marrying me, but life had lined up differently for both of us. I believed him. Sam and Gavin were married that fall.

Summer remained the easiest time of year for us to see each other after that. Sam had a summer camp that she liked to volunteer at every year, so we would get anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to be alone together. I tried dating other people, but no one compared to Gavin. I was convinced that they would get divorced one day, but I think Gavin felt like he couldn’t cause a scene with the families. We had to keep our relationship private.

It became a fun little secret, just a part of my yearly routine. Summer was when I got to be in my own secret world with my favorite person. It was the most beautiful time of year, and I lived in anticipation of the first text letting me know Sam had left for camp.

Occasionally, my mom will ask what happened with the boy from high school. I have to remind her that Sam married him. She always has a disapproving look when she’s reminded.

Gavin and I are meant to be together, even though we didn’t end up that way. If all we can have is a season together, then I will take every last moment. So we will keep lying, and cheating, and stealing summers together. I’ve always been a bit of a romantic in that way.

See you next summer, Gavin.