Bloom

I wake up to the morning sun. It feels more natural than waking up to an alarm. It takes me about three minutes to wake up because I like to cuddle with my dog in bed. It makes the day easier to confront. I get up and go straight to my bathroom. I turn on the shower to as hot as my skin can handle. I have to wait for the water to warm. I look into the mirror and say a few affirmations. This week's affirmation is "I am enough exactly as I am." I use my tongue scraper and then rinse with mouthwash. I floss my back teeth, then move to the front, then use a water flosser. I grab my electric toothbrush to finish the job.

I jump in the shower. Some days I wash my hair; others, I do not. Today was not a hair-washing day. So I wash my face and scrub my body with a homemade lavender soap I get at the farmers' market. I get out of the shower and dry off. Put on a moisturizer for my face, and then a different one for my body, and then I add sunscreen. I get my clothes out of the closet. An outfit is chosen in advance, and it's either ironed or steamed. I toast a bagel, spread some cream cheese, then add smoked salmon, red pickled onions, and capers. I walk my dog for at least 20 minutes.

I make sure to fill my dog's bowl of food and water, grab my work bag and my lunch box, and head out the door to work. I already have the perfect playlist set that I have named "commute," and I listen to it every morning and every evening on my commute. I'm one of the lucky ones; my commute is only about twenty minutes. I get to work for marketing. I feel like a lot of the time at work, I am numb, staring at a computer, sometimes making small talk with my colleagues, spending my one-hour lunch in my car scrolling, just waiting until it's time to go back home. After work, I go straight to my car, trying to avoid a happy hour conversation. I turn on my playlist and do my twenty minutes. I get home, greet my dog, and take her for a walk right away. This walk takes about an hour. When we get back home, I cook a quick meal and watch a movie. I do two or three chores from the list on my calendar. I take a shower, do my mouth-and-face routine, and head to bed with my dog. It had been a long journey to get into the perfect rhythm, where everything felt peaceful. My job was okay, my dog was my best friend, I felt taken care of in every sense, but I was lonely. No real friends, I let them fade away slowly. No relationship for years; my last relationship was fairly traumatic. My family lived far away, but we did manage a visit once a year; it's hard to say that is enough connection for a person, but I had gotten used to it.

Today I strayed, I slipped. It was the end of work, and I was almost out the door, when Colin stopped me. Colin was a newer coworker. He only started about two weeks ago. I couldn't really tell you much about him. I did my best to avoid my coworkers. Being friends with the people I worked with never seemed to work out for me. I was always kind but never overly friendly. I just put my head down, did my work, and collected my paycheck.

I did have a few moments with Colin. When he first started, he came to everyone's cubicle and introduced himself. He was wearing a white dress shirt with small light-blue polka dots and slate-grey trousers. When he came to introduce himself to me, I got a slight closer look. His eyes are dark blue like the darkest parts of the sea, his hair full of silver, and he is armed with a beaming smile. I did like to have a monotone expression at work, but I couldn't help but crack a smile when I saw his. He reached his hand towards me, and I immediately grasped it. We locked eyes, and all he said was "Colin," and I responded, "Lavender."

He repeated my name and said, "I like that, I never met someone named Lavender."

I couldn't lie, I was quite charmed by him. I couldn't put my finger on it. Hearing him say he liked my name filled my belly with anxiety that I hadn't felt for a long time. That was my sign to ignore his existence.

I just showed him a tight-lipped smile and didn't respond. I couldn't! I was speechless by my own attraction.

"A woman of few words, I get it. Nice to meet you, Lavender."

"Nice to meet you, Colin."

We locked eyes one more time, and he just tapped my cubicle wall and went to the next person to introduce himself to. I took a few minutes to think about how the interaction made me feel, and then I thought against it.

A few days later, I was walking my dog in my neighborhood after work. My pug went to a very happy and excited beagle. I was so distracted by the dog's interaction that I forgot to look up until I heard his voice.

"Lavender."

His voice sounded familiar, and I slowly adjusted my gaze to the sound. It was Colin! The last person I wanted to see, but was excited nonetheless.

"Colin! Sorry, I was watching the dogs say hello."

He smirked a little bit. I tried better with conversation this time.

"Are you new to the neighborhood?" I asked.

"Yeah, I moved here about a month ago. I'm surprised I've never run into you."

"Maybe we have and just don't remember. So many people have dogs around here."

"No, I would have remembered you."

I blushed a little. I'm not the best with social cues, but he was flirting with me. Me! I get red real quick when I feel embarrassed, and I didn't want him to see. I didn't want to give myself away. I tugged on my dog's leash a little bit and said

"Oh, would you look at the time, I have to go." I powerwalked awkwardly past Colin, and I'm sure he was confused.

He yelled, "Hey, Lavender."

I froze and turned to look at him. "Yes."

He smiled when our eyes met.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow."

I turned and kept walking, biting my lip, thinking about him.

We shared a few awkward waves across cubicles, and occasionally, we would cross paths on walks and share a few words, never an extended conversation, until today.

I was packing all my stuff away to head out when he popped up by my cubicle entrance.

"Hey, what are you doing after work?"

I looked at him and tried to analyze his intentions. There is no way he was trying to ask me out? I was cold, uninviting.

"Oh, I have to go walk my dog right now."

"Oh… Um, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to grab a drink, or maybe we could walk our dogs together? They do really get along."

I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it was the way I hadn't felt seen in a long time, maybe because I did think he was handsome, and it had been a long time since I've been on a date, I said, "I would like to have a drink. That sounds really nice."

He looked a bit taken aback by my answer. He slightly chuckled, "I'm sorry, I honestly wasn't expecting you to say yes, but I'm happy you did."

"Why weren't you expecting me to say yes?"

"A woman, with very few words and rarely expressive."

"I'm working on it."

He just smiled. We worked out the details. We were going to meet at a tiki bar down the street from work and only have one drink. I felt a little anxious about it when I started my car and drove down the street instead of towards home. Will my dog be okay? Yes, I'm a little ridiculous, maybe a little codependent. I was doing something that made me a little vulnerable. I did need a little push.

I found some parking easily, and I could see Colin was already there, waiting outside the bar. I gave him a little nervous smile, and he gave me one back. I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt a little weird.

We went inside the bar that was darkly lit. It felt very stereotypical, but I had a thing for gimmicky and kitschy places. I love the coconut decorations, the tiki mug stools, the umbrellas in your drinks, and the palm-leaf roof on top of the bar. I love being in places that feel like they're for kids, but no kids are allowed. Not because I feel indifferent to children, quite the opposite, I just liked to dissociate a little and go back to the easier times in life that felt fun and free. Seeing a child broke the illusion a bit because it brought me back to reality; I would never be that young again.

We sat at a table in the corner for privacy. I didn't want him to know I was worried about our coworkers seeing us together. I had managed to stay out of all the gossip chronicles in the office, not an easy feat.

We ordered our drinks from a server and chatted about work. I decided to steer the conversation.

"Why did you ask me out?"

"Very forward, aren't you?"

"I think I like to get to the point."

"I think a more interesting question is, why did you say yes?"

"I asked you first."

He smiled, and I smiled back.

"I managed to get a smile out of you!"

I laughed a little.

"I know my demeanor can be a little cold, so that's why I'm curious why you asked me out?"

"I'm a man who, when my spirit leads me somewhere, I follow."

"A spiritual man."

"You could say that. But why did you say yes?"

I took a deep breath and thought very quickly whether I should give a cutesy answer or the truth. I decided not to be afraid.

"I think you are handsome, and it's been a while since I've been out, and I don't know, maybe it felt a little like fate."

He smiled widely.

"I think you are really beautiful."

I couldn't help but blush a little. It had been a long time since another person acknowledged that I had any beauty or that I was remotely interesting. He gently touched my hand from across the table, and we locked eyes. It felt like lightning. I forgot what it was to be touched. I got lost for a minute, but I think he did too.

He broke the silence.

"I never did get to figure out your dog's name. You ran away."

I slightly chuckled.

"Her name is Daisy."

I found out his dog's name is Stitch. He grew up on the East Coast but moved for college. We talked about our families. I was an only child, and he had three brothers. We talked about our past romantic experiences and what went wrong. We talk about our favorite colors in detail; his is blue, and mine is yellow. I didn't want to stop talking to him. I miss getting to know the intricate details of someone's life and for them to be interested in mine, but we both agreed we needed to walk our dogs.

Colin walked me to my car from the bar. Before I opened my car door to get in. I faced him, pushing my body close to his. He didn't flinch or resist; he welcomed it. He embraced me. We locked eyes for a few moments. All I could focus on was how his eyes reminded me of the ocean that I played in as a child (fun, beautiful, and unpredictable), or how his breath smelled sweet like rum. My mouth waters at the thought of the taste. Our mouths eventually melt into each other. I surrender to the unknown.