Shared Silence

The front door was ajar, and Sophie could see Ben sitting on the stairs at the front, having a coffee and a cigarette. She had noticed he did that on most days after work, especially when he’d had a longer shift. She didn’t want to interrupt his quiet moment, so she stood there for a minute, memorising the way the early sunset framed his silhouette in pink and orange hues.

Sophie liked those stolen fragments of time when she could see him simply existing with no pressure to be anyone or anything other than himself - she knew they both felt the weight of the world way too heavily. And so, as much as she was looking forward to going out that night, a big part of her wished she had the courage to walk over, sit next to Ben and stay in that moment with him forever, far from the expectations of the world.

That night they were in their favourite bar with their other flatmate, Julia. Sophie was sitting across from Ben, tapping her fingertips against her half-full glass. He lifted his eyes and looked at her. She watched as his eyes moved to her lips and locked there for a few seconds, which made her disturbingly aware of her teeth biting into her bottom lip. His eyes moved back up to meet her gaze and he smiled at her, making her wonder what was going through his mind. His green eyes always had a touch of playfulness in them, especially after a drink or two, which made him difficult to read.

As Sophie was starting to sink into her own thoughts, Ben turned around and started speaking to Julia.

Ben clearly liked Julia more than he liked Sophie. Or did he? Sophie’s brain started playing back moments from the last few months since Julia moved in with them. Julia didn’t laugh at his jokes as much, but he seemed to find the language barrier adorable. He laughed at Sophie’s jokes; they laughed together a lot - more than he did with Julia for sure. Sophie found comfort and confidence in that. She always felt inadequate with people who would make her laugh but wouldn’t laugh back at her jokes. So, the fact that she and Ben didn’t just share a sense of humour but also constantly reciprocated it was something she could hold onto.

But Sophie had seen him wrap his arm around Julia’s waist the same way he’d do with her. Did that mean anything? Was it protective - it felt protective to her, especially as she’d been open about being anxious around people, so Ben doing it at the club or just a busy area made sense to her. But was it just that or was there anything more to it, with her and with Julia?

“Soph, are you okay?” Ben’s voice took her out of her thoughts. He must have noticed she was slightly rattled, so he repeated, “All good?”

“Yeah, yeah, just getting a bit tipsy,” Sophie replied quietly, which got a chuckle out of Ben. She hadn’t been following the conversation Julia and Ben were having, so she was surprised when Ben declared he’d only been in love once.

“It was a while ago though, when I was a teenager. Have you?” He spoke without breaking eye contact with Sophie. She shook her head.

“No, never,” she answered, and it made her feel very self-conscious. Strangely, she felt she had been in love with Ben before, maybe in a previous life. And she was clearly falling for him in this lifetime too, but she was too afraid to fully admit it to herself.

Some hours and many drinks later, they were dancing to some old cheesy song. It was the three of them, but it all felt wrong to Sophie - she wanted Ben to herself. Watching Julia’s body getting closer to his made her sick in her stomach.

“I’ll go get some air,” Sophie stood on her toes to whisper in Ben’s ear. He just nodded at her.

Sophie went outside and sat on an empty bench as far from any other people as possible. She let out the long sigh that she had been holding in for a while. She wanted to hit herself for being so jealous, especially as nothing much was happening between Ben and Julia anyway. Once again, her mind started going through every little interaction, every word and touch.

She was so deep in thought that she flinched when she felt someone close to her. She hadn’t realised she was shivering - with cold and anxiety - until she felt Ben gently put his jacket over her shoulders. She took in the familiar smell of musk and citrus as Ben sat opposite her on the little backless bench and offered her a warm smile.

“Hey,” he whispered, resting his hand on her knee. “Are you okay?” He asked with no hesitation, his voice was soft and inviting. Sophie felt that he really wanted to know and this wasn’t just a courteous ask.

“I feel like sometimes it all hits me at once, you know?” Sophie’s eyes were filling with tears, but she did not feel like she could or should hide it. Ben nodded to agree with her and slowly moved closer, now running his hand up and down the outside of her leg. She felt warmth that she hadn’t experienced before; it ran from where his hand was through to her stomach, her chest and her cheeks. It was as if the whole air around her had warmed up and she was no longer outside in the middle of January.

“You can tell me everything,” Ben said, but she really couldn’t. Not the part about her falling in love with him. That would make her even more vulnerable, and what if he just laughed it off?

She wiped her tears and forced a smile. She did want to smile because it was nice talking to him, it was nice having him this close, but also it made it even more painful knowing she couldn’t have all of him.

“Can I start?” he asked after a short pause and she nodded.

He started talking about his family, barely forming any whole sentences as he clearly was hesitant about opening up, but Sophie liked getting a peek into his mind, even if it felt like looking through a keyhole. They were both so good at hiding their insecurities and trauma behind dry humour and well-practiced confidence that these conversations felt difficult but also incredibly rewarding.

“I just wish he’d see me as a person for once,” Ben finished talking about his father. His hand was still on her thigh, but the movements had become more sporadic - he would occasionally stop moving his hand, then maybe move it slightly closer to the inside of her leg. Part of her wanted to pull away, not because she was not okay with this level of intimacy but because she was enjoying it a little too much.

“He’s missing out,” Sophie whispered, putting her hand on top of his on her leg. It was only then when Ben realised what he’d been doing, and he looked up to her with an apologetic look in his eyes. She smiled at him widely and shook her head as if to say it was okay.

They both laughed together. “Let’s go in, you must be cold,” Sophie suggested, already getting up from the bench.

“Not before you tell me what’s on your mind.” Ben pulled her back down by the hand and straightened his jacket that was hanging over her shoulders. “You’re not cold, are you?”

“No, I’m good, thanks.” Sophie smiled and looked down, trying to think of the right words to say. She was in love with him; she wanted to have all of him and spend every moment with him. But saying that wasn’t going to work. “I’m scared, I think,” she finally said, looking up at Ben.

“Scared of?” He raised his eyebrows and immediately looked for her hand to hold. She didn’t pull back and let him hold it in his hands, gently rubbing his finger over her skin.

“Everything, the world. I’m scared of letting go and being myself. I feel like I’m walking on glass all the time. Do you get that?” She said it all so quickly, as if she’d been holding onto these words for ages. She had, but no one had asked before.

He nodded and lifted her hand to his mouth, planting a soft kiss on the back of it. “I’m scared of this right now. I’m scared of being vulnerable like this.”

“It’s scary. But you know you can be honest with me,” Ben said, smiling at her. She knew he meant it, but would he still say it if he knew she was in love with him? She pulled her hand back and covered her face with both hands.

“Should we go home?” Without even looking at him, she nodded and felt the tears building up in her eyes again.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to ruin the night,” she let out a sigh, finally looking at Ben again. He rolled his eyes with reassurance and smiled at her before starting to look for an Uber.

“You stay here, I’ll just go grab your things and see if Julia wants to come with us and I’ll be right back, okay?” Ben stood up, his hand brushing against Sophie’s leg as he did, and she couldn’t help but watch as he walked back inside.

Ben unlocked the door and let the girls walk in front of him. Julia mumbled “goodnight” and headed straight to her bedroom upstairs. Sophie walked to the living room and could feel Ben following her. She took her coat off, threw her shoes to one side and dropped on the sofa.

Ben sat next to her, closer than he had to given the space. The sofa dipped slightly under his weight, making her body move even closer to his. But she wasn’t going to object to their bodies touching and feeling his breath. He rolled a cigarette as she put her legs up on the coffee table. She wished she could just lean into Ben or at least swing her legs over his, but she didn’t have it in her to initiate that.

“Do you mind if I smoke here?” Ben asked, as if Sophie would want him to move away from her side for whatever reason.

“No, it’s fine,” she said, looking up at him and smiling.

He lit up the cigarette, and they both relaxed into the sofa. She hated the smell of cigarettes with a passion, but somehow, she didn’t mind that much with him.

“Can I put some music on?” she finally said to break the silence and he nodded, the cigarette hanging in his mouth. She pulled her phone out and played an old song she’d always loved. She observed his face as they were listening to the music, wishing she could read his mind.

“It’s good.” He smiled at her and her heart fluttered.

He got up to put out his cigarette and as he walked back to the sofa, she wondered if it was obvious that she felt like a lost child in a supermarket, waiting for someone familiar to grab her hand. Between the alcohol, the way he looked so good that night and her general anxiety, she had so many thoughts going through her mind that she was worried it was written all over her face.

“My turn now, pass me the phone,” Ben said, sitting back down, and she obliged. They sat there for what must have been hours, just passing the phone, playing songs, taking them in, not talking much but letting the music say what they were often too afraid to speak.

Sophie’s eyes opened as she heard the front door slam. Panic took over her body as soon as she saw Ben sleeping on the sofa next to her. He was sat up same as last night, but her legs were resting in his lap. She felt bad for him - surely he couldn’t have been comfortable sleeping this way.

Then she noticed the blanket thrown on her legs. She wondered whether she fell asleep first, and if so, why didn’t Ben just go to his room? And what about the blanket - was it Ben’s and did he bring it down for her? She pulled the blanket closer to her face, and the smell made her smile.

It must have been at least 8 am as light was flooding the living room. Sophie carefully got up and walked to the kitchen as quietly as possible to get some water. The coffee machine was staring at her from the counter. She never liked coffee, but she’d watched Ben make his so many times that it made her wonder if maybe she could make him one.

She battled with the machine for a few minutes but eventually managed to make what she hoped was a good cup of coffee. She poured two glasses of water and put a little ice in them, hoping that would somehow help with the hangover that they were both going to have to nurse that day.

“Morning.”

His voice made her jump a little, but she quickly caught herself smiling.

“Morning,” she said, turning around to face him. “Hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“No, I think it was that door slamming.” He chuckled and rolled his eyes. Was he awake when Sophie got up? “My head is killing me,” he grunted, leaning against the counter.

“Here, some water.” Sophie passed him a glass and nervously took a large sip from her own glass. She leaned against the counter on the opposite side of him. The kitchen was small, so they were only an arm’s length away from each other. They looked at each other for a few minutes, sipping water from time to time.

It was slightly uncomfortable but also strangely familiar - Sophie felt that same warmth she’d felt the night before as they were talking on the bench. She could see Ben’s cheeks getting rosy, so she wondered if he felt it too. Or was he able to see her brain overheating with thoughts?

“Is that coffee I smell?” Ben eventually asked, his eyes wandering around the room.

“Oh yes, I tried to make it for you.” She passed him the steaming mug and immediately wanted to hide. “It might not be good, you know I don’t do coffee.”

“Thanks.” Ben smiled widely and she could feel herself melting looking at him. He took a small sip and nodded. “It’s good.”

She did a little happy shimmy and he laughed at her. Sophie took another sip of water but kept looking at Ben over the rim of the glass.

“What?” he asked, moving his body up to sit on the top of the counter.

“I was so jealous last night.” She almost surprised herself saying that - she said it so matter-of-factly, especially given how uneasy she was just a few moments ago. But she felt like she was walking on solid ground for the first time in so long. There even was a certain level of laughing at herself in her tone.

Ben looked confused for a moment, and she could see him biting his lip; the grip he had of the mug got tighter. For once, he seemed to be the one who was more nervous.

“Of who?”

Sophie looked up in the direction of where Julia’s bedroom was on the second floor. Ben swallowed as if he was gathering himself, looking for the right words. His fingers started tapping on the mug in his hands. Sophie had seen him get nervous before, but not like this - not when he was just speaking to her.

“Well, I had two options last night when you two walked through the door in front of me. I watched as Julia took the stairs and you walked to the living room. And not for a moment did I think about going upstairs.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sophie tilted her head; she knew her face had gone completely flushed and she left her glass on the counter, not trusting herself to hold it anymore.

“What do you think, silly?” He took a pause, maybe to see if Sophie would say anything or maybe because he was anxious. “I was exhausted, you saw me after work.” His lips curved into a mischievous grin and Sophie raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“Don’t try to deny it, I could feel your eyes on me when I was smoking outside.” Although the look on his face made it clear he didn’t mind, Sophie hid her face in her hands, chuckling under her breath. Ben moved a few bits around the counter, making more space next to him. An invitation?

“I was so tired, we’d been out for hours, but I wanted to be with you.”

“I wanted to be with you.” She mirrored the sentiment and wiped some tears from under her eyes.

“Come here,” Ben said almost inaudibly.

She sat next to him on the counter as he took a sip of the coffee she’d made for him. He turned to her, wiped the mascara that had smudged under her eyes and smiled at her. “Even when you fell asleep, I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving you and going to my bedroom.”

Sophie smiled and rested her head on his shoulder, taking in that same smell of musk and citrus she knew so well, and they fell into a comfortable silence. It was the kind of silence she had been so afraid of interrupting the day before. But leaning into him, she realised it was a quiet they could share and make better for each other.