A strange place (part 1)

Adventure Fantasy

Written in response to: "Write about someone who’s been sent to boarding school." as part of Out on the Moor.

I was reaching the school which seemed to be in the middle of the woods, yeah that isn't creepy at all. This feels like it would be something out of a horror movie actually, why do people in those always go?

I looked up at the large dull building ahead of me, it was three stories so i guess that was interesting. I got out of my car and began to gather my things so i can go inside and look for my dorm.

I took out my phone from my shirts pocket and then checked the time. 11:30. Great, it was almost midnight now, why did the school have to be so far away?

I entered the school and began to look around the lights weren't really on but I was luckily able to still see. Ahead of me was a girl around my age something looked strange though, why was she really pale? She almost looked like a ghost or something.

"Hey, your the new girl the others have been talking about lately, right?" a curious voice came out from the girls mouth as I was about to go through a hallway.

I would have just ignored her and kept trying to find where I would stay, though wouldn't that have been rude? I quickly walked back to the girl and then spoke, "Uh yeah I guess that is me, My name's Ember."

"Oh, the names Moon."

I began to look around the area that me and Moon were in, though there was really nothing there. It was just as dull and blank as the outside of the school, jeez I think this is going to be a fun time. Everyone likes it this way?

"Your looking for your dorm right? I could show you to it if you want?" Moon asked with a smile. It was a quick teeth showing smile though even then, I think I saw something sharp in there.

I accepted it though because I didn't want to be looking for the dorm myself and then fall asleep in the middle of the hallway. I'm not sure if anyone would come and find me or if they'd even take me somewhere.

"Hey, maybe later when you get some sleep you could meet up with me and Blue? He's really nice and we always find stuff to do here" Moon then suggested as she flashed me another smile.

"Eh, why not? I don't have anything better to do while I'm here."

We walked through a few long hallways which really reminded me of some things from horror movies until we finally reached some dorm rooms. In the area we were in, there were about four or five dorms.

One of the dorms was actually Moon's and the other one was Blue's. I looked at the other one but I never saw a name, it looked like something had been scratched out. Though luckily for me the next dorm was mine.

"Have a good sleep buddy, me and Blue will come get you soon." I could hear her say as I entered my dorm room. On the inside it actually seemed colorful instead of being dull and boring like the rest of the school.

The walls were painted a light blue while the floor had some sort of white fuzzy carpet. I wish it was bubble wrap carpet instead, do you know how fun that would be? Maybe later I could try to replace it with some bubble wrap..

I just kind of throw my belongings to the other side of the room, I'll put everything up correctly in the morning. I plugged in my phone and decided to listen to some music, I think that usually help's me fall asleep.

I got a text from my mother right as I was about to do that though. "Hey honey, did you get there already? I hope it wasn't that much trouble for you, though I know you'll like this way better. You could even make some new friends!" She sent a lot of emoji's after that.

I decided not to respond to the text, at least for tonight. She'll be fine until then, she's not gonna die because I didn't respond for a few hours. I mean, at least I hope that won't happen. Could it happen?

It doesn't matter I just needed to hope that she wouldn't worry that much and just fall asleep. So I turned my phone off instead of listening to music anymore and tried my best to fall asleep. It's a stupid idea but maybe I should try to count sheep?

I awoke suddenly after hearing something like a...howl coming from the roof? I could tell that it WAS a howl but how did anything manage to get onto the roof? I checked the time to see how long I was asleep. It was midnight.

I didn't even sleep for that long? It had only been for thirty minutes! I decided to go check out what had caused the noise, though I already knew that it was probably a wolf. I still needed to try and get it out though.

I didn't bother to put on any regular clothes or put my shoes on, so I was just walking around the school in my Pj's while also being barefoot on the cold floor. It was easy to find my way to the roof because I found a map in the school that showed where everything was.

As I reached the Roof I saw...oh boy, how do I even explain it? Well first, I had seen Moon staring up at the night sky and she had somehow seemed even paler, I swore I saw Fangs in her mouth as well.

She hadn't been the strangest thing there though, right next to her I saw what seemed to be a wolf not that taller than her standing on two legs. It was wearing a ripped jacket and some sweatpants it was all almost intact though, it didn't seem that ripped.

I had decided to take a picture, I was just really tired so I thought if I did that then I'd know for sure if it was real or not. Moon didn't appear but the wolf did- I assume that it was Blue.

Though it was a bad idea to even decide to take a picture with my phone, because apparently the two of them heard the noise of it and turned to me. I was going to try and duck until the wolf spoke, "What the, Moon do you know who this is?"

Moon stared at me in silence before she seemed to whisper something to Blue. I couldn't exactly hear what she was saying, though I assume that she was telling him how she met me a while ago.

"Your a...he's a..."

"A Vampire? Yes. A werewolf? Yes as well." Moon said as she smiled again, this time with her fangs actually showing this time. Though as she said this, I could tell she was a bit confused by my reaction.

Werewolf Blue helped me out onto the roof with them and then brought me over to Moon. "Why do you seem so shocked about this? Aren't you one of us as well?"

I shook my head.

Moon seemed a bit startled and she brought werewolf Blue to another area of the roof away from me, they were probably trying to think of what to do with me. Oh gosh, what if they decide to kill me??

The two of them then walked back over to me, they were both smiling now. Though it wasn't really a sinister smile- at least I think, they looked a bit happy and excited.

"We'll keep it a secret, don't you worry. We aren't sure how anyone else would react if they find this out, the least they could do is at least kick you out." Moon spoke.

I nodded and smiled, at least they weren't going to try and kill me. Or worse- One of them is a vampire and one of them is a werewolf, they could try to fight over me or something. Ugh, this isn't going to be like Twilight.

"Wait, are there other things besides both of you?"

Moon nodded and werewolf Blue then said, "Yes of course! Besides Vampires and Werewolves, there are also Ghosts, Witches, and many other things you've yet to met."

The three of us eventually decided to get off of the roof and go back to our dorms. Or they were at least just walking me to mine, Vampires were usually things of the night along with werewolves. I'd possibly only see them at night.

I could do this though, They'd be helping me while I would be here. Right now though I wasn't going to be worrying about what could happen, I just needed to sleep.

Posted Oct 16, 2020
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76 likes 352 comments

B. W.
October 16, 2020 17:01

I liked this story I guess, though it was a bit of half and half with me actually. Though some of these prompts are really good for the spooky month now, this was probably a decent story. I don't really name the name that i picked for it though, if anyone has a better name then tell me.

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WOW!! This is an amazing story Blair! It has the perfect amount of emotion in it for all the characters, and it is just so perfect!! Would you believe me when I say that I too wrote a story for this prompt! XD Anyways, I just want to wrap up by saying great job! I love your style of writing, and I encourage you to write more! :)

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B. W.
October 18, 2020 14:27

Aw thanks, i'm glad you liked the story ^^ did you possibly have a favorite character or part in it?

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I liked all the characters, but if I had to choose my favorite, then it would be Moon.

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B. W.
October 18, 2020 14:48

what do ya think will happen in the next part?

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October 17, 2020 21:36

Ooh, awesome job! Lovely storyyyyyy! Can’t wait for part 2 :)
Oh, and, wow! You’ve really come a long way with the grammatical aspects of your writing. Your punctuation and capitalization is flawless, so great job on that too!!

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B. W.
October 17, 2020 21:48

Thanks, i'm glad that you liked it ^^ i'll try to put out part 2 soon when i come across a good prompt for it. Did you possibly have a favorite character or part of it?

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C.j 🤍
October 16, 2020 23:47

Cool can’t wait for part 2

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B. W.
October 16, 2020 23:52

Thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part or character?

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C.j 🤍
October 16, 2020 23:57

No I liked it all (like usual ) your story’s are great!

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B. W.
October 17, 2020 00:02

Thanks ^^

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Ariadne .
October 16, 2020 19:58

Hi B! Here as requested.

Okay, so first off, there are some grammar mistakes. What I want you to do is USE AN ONLINE EDITOR. I know it's hard to catch all the mistakes in your writing, but it WILL help. Seriously. There are tons of free editors out there, like Grammarly. Download it NOW so you don't forget!

Besides that, I'd say my favorite part was when Ember discovered what the others were. It's a pretty neat idea. I'd totally want to go to a boarding school like that. And the name Ember? Gorgeous. I've heard the name Amber, but Ember is so much prettier. Well done! :)

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B. W.
October 16, 2020 20:00

Yeah, I always keep forgetting but i DO have Grammarly i think, so i'll try to use it in my next story or something, though thanks for the advice with that ^^ what do you think will happen in the next part, and did you have a favorite character or was it Ember? and actually, i WAS going to use the name Amber a while ago but decided against it and decided to use Ember instead because i like it better.

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Ariadne .
October 16, 2020 20:12

It should pop up automatically and underline your mistakes in red. Does it not? There might be some error then. Check the top corner of your window, there should be a small green circle with a G in it.

I have no idea. I'm kinda hoping Ember is a ghost or witch or something and has no idea. Ooh, she could be bitten by Blue!!! Gosh, that would be something.

Yea, Emer's name is my favorite. My favorite character would be Moon. What I find ironic is how Moon is not the werewolf... since well, you know.

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B. W.
October 16, 2020 20:35

I WAS thinking that Moon could maybe be the werewolf but i thought it would be strange to say "I saw Moon, now a werewolf, beginning to howl at the...well Moon" or something like that so i made her the Vampire and Blue the werewolf. Wait, if your bitten by a werewolf do you only stay as well for a little while or forever? Also i don't see how she wouldn't already know she's a ghost if she was one, the witch idea is a bit better, though i still liked them all.

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Ariadne .
October 16, 2020 22:22

Yea. If you get bitten by a werewolf (only when the werewolf is in wolf form) then you become a werewolf forever. You don't change right away but from the next full moon.

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B. W.
October 16, 2020 22:23

If i ever decide to make her something, then her getting bitten and turning into a werewolf is a really good idea ^^ could you actually help me with some other stuff for the story besides that a bit?

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October 16, 2020 17:36

Nice job!

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B. W.
October 16, 2020 17:46

Thanks ^^ did you have a favorite part?

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October 19, 2020 18:23

I loved the characters in general! This was super creative!

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B. W.
October 19, 2020 18:40

thanks ^^ alright, so since you've checked it out now, could ya help me with a few things?

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October 19, 2020 19:05

Sure!

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B. W.
October 19, 2020 19:12

thank you ^^ so could i tell ya what i need help with?

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Laiba M
October 16, 2020 18:16

I like the story!! I liked the part when you wrote about Ember finding out that they were werewolves :) My favorite character was probably Moon! Again, grammar is an issue and it'd be flawless with a simple editor, Grammarly is free >w<

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B. W.
October 16, 2020 18:20

No, only Blue is a Werewolf, Moon is a Vampire. Yeah, i'm going to try and use Grammarly at some point if i remember. Did you have a favorite part or was that when Ember found out what they were?

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Laiba M
October 16, 2020 19:12

Download it soon so you don't forget, and it pops up on the Reedsy story submission writing page anyways. That was my favorite part. Upvote spree? I'm losing a ton of points.

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B. W.
October 16, 2020 19:14

Your still getting down-voted??

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Laiba M
October 16, 2020 19:15

Yeah, I got downvoted by a LOT today and yesterday.

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B. W.
October 16, 2020 19:22

I thought it stopped for you

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October 22, 2020 22:19

Ya'll, just gonna throw this out there (downvotes as well). I think that the downvoter/downvoters is actually one of the lower ranking members on the leaderboard.

The motive? Advancing higher and eliminating potential competition.

The means? If you take a look at the leaderboard, there are plenty of people who haven't put out a single story...ever. They have points solely based on commenting. What better platform to be a serial downvoter?

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December 11, 2020 13:50

The plot is fantastic, but I noticed that it was kind of written in a teenage textlike dialogue, because of things like "I" instead of "I", "jeez" without commas, and the character';s descriptions. Although I suppose this is the style, right?

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B. W.
December 11, 2020 18:11

Thanks, im glad ya liked it ^^ Im not really sure though because I cant remember, I cant edit it anymore but I'm not sure if I for some reason wanted it to be the style of this story or If it was all an accident.

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Malanie Farrin
November 20, 2020 23:06

Loved the story great job

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B. W.
November 20, 2020 23:41

thanks ^^ did ya have a favorite part or something?

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October 26, 2020 19:09

I loved Ember!

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Alexi Delavigne
October 21, 2020 02:45

Creative story, hope there’s a part 2 ;) my fav character would probably be Moon but I hope we see more of these characters and learn more about the school.

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 02:48

There will be a part 2 ^^ what's something you want to happen in the next part? besides seeing the characters and some stuff about the school

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Alexi Delavigne
October 21, 2020 04:06

It’s really up to you and what you want to write :) maybe her mom gets worried because she didn’t reply to her text and goes to the school to check on her, or maybe the principal of the school starts suspecting she’s not supposed to be there, or maybe she discovers she does belong there because she has powers or something. I think you have a lot of directions you could take the story in, so good luck and have fun exploring which route you want to take :)

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 04:13

thanks ^^ i actually have a lot of ideas at the moment

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Alexi Delavigne
October 21, 2020 10:59

Yay! That’s one of the great things about writing! Can’t wait to see what you do with it:)

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 14:15

yep ^^

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Claire Lindsey
October 20, 2020 23:08

I feel like you're setting up some really great characters and an intriguing story here! I love the idea of this boarding school and I think your narrator is a really interesting character!

A couple suggestions: I felt that your main character could be a bit more conflicted or confused at the realization that Moon and Blue are not entirely human. You might consider adding a bit of background context to help us understand why Ember is so accepting: why is Ember at this school? Was it a choice or was the decision forced? Expanding on that, maybe when you talk about the text from the mother, could help explain a bit more about Ember.

And for the title if you're still not sold: what's the name of the boarding school? That could make an intriguing title.

Overall, I really enjoyed the premise of this story and I can't wait to read more about these characters!

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B. W.
October 20, 2020 23:49

Thank's i'm glad you liked the story ^^ with some of that stuff i don't even know, like the name of the boarding school, i don't have a name for it. I don't think i could really explain some of the other stuff in the story either, though maybe i could just tell you here?

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Claire Lindsey
October 22, 2020 00:36

Sure, I'd be happy to help brainstorm where you might be able to give some background info if you'd like!

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 00:38

Yes, please do ^^ could i tell ya some of the stuff that i kinda wanna do? I'll also answer some of the questions in your previous comment, at least on the ones that i have a few small ideas on.

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Claire Lindsey
October 22, 2020 01:43

Sure!

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 01:47

Well, I was planning on Blue biting ember (in werewolf form) because then she'd also turn into a werewolf at some point. Though i'd need to know how and why Blue decided to bite her, how ember reacts, that kinda stuff.

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Kate :)
October 17, 2020 21:25

This is such an interesting idea. I really like this story and am excited for a part 2!

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B. W.
October 17, 2020 21:30

Thanks, i'm glad that you liked it ^^ did you maybe have a favorite character or part?

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Kate :)
October 18, 2020 16:40

I liked when the main character realized the others were monsters. My favorite character I think was the main one.

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B. W.
October 18, 2020 16:53

what do you think will happen in the next part?

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Kate :)
October 18, 2020 17:12

I guess the human will have to pretend to be a monster. She'll have to decide which one and how to act like one, which will be difficult. Maybe there are others of the species she's impersonating at the school so she has to either avoid them or spend all her time with them.

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B. W.
October 18, 2020 17:28

anything else? like is there maybe something you want to happen?

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Dalyane Deblois
October 17, 2020 13:05

Great story, loved the fantastic touch in it with the werewolves! Keep writing!:)

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B. W.
October 17, 2020 15:07

Thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you have a favorite character or part?

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Dalyane Deblois
October 17, 2020 16:07

I don't really have a favorite character, they all sound very interesting! My favorite part is definitely when they tell her "aren't you one of us as well?", it's intriguing.

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B. W.
October 17, 2020 16:19

Hm, any ideas on what might happen in the next part?

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Dalyane Deblois
October 17, 2020 16:58

I don't know but I definitely think she's not completely human. Maybe she'll find out something special about herself!

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B. W.
October 17, 2020 17:10

Like she could possibly be a witch or something?

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Adilene Victoria
October 28, 2020 05:24

Oh my gosh! I loved it. Your writing style is so neat, Wait for the next part :D

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B. W.
October 28, 2020 05:28

aw thanks ^^ there IS a part 2 :) check out "A strange night"

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October 26, 2020 19:01

Wow, this is amazing!

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B. W.
October 26, 2020 19:02

aw thank you ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part or character?

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Amber Brownlee
October 25, 2020 14:51

I loved it, patiently waiting for part two.

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B. W.
October 25, 2020 16:12

there IS a part 2 ^^ check out "A strange night"

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Echo Sundar
October 24, 2020 17:31

This story is great! There were a bit of uncapitalized i's at the beginning but besides that I have no critique, I love the names of the characters and I espessially love this line

"She'll be fine until then, she's not gonna die because I didn't respond for a few hours. I mean, at least I hope that won't happen. Could it happen?"

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 17:48

Thanks, i'm glad you liked the story ^^ did you have a favorite part or was it the line you talked about?

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Echo Sundar
October 24, 2020 18:14

I liked all of it but yes especially that line.

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B. W.
October 24, 2020 18:16

maybe ya could check out some of my other stories as well?

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Itay Frenkel
October 23, 2020 21:43

Cool story! I laughed at the twilight joke. One question, why did your main character gets sent to this school? Are they some sort of monster too? I would recommend using more descriptive language and similes to describe the setting, as I had trouble picturing the school. The explanation of the character's dorm room was great though, I could easily picture the blue walls and the white fuzzy carpet. The bubble wrap thing was pretty funny, and actually something I've thought about before when I was little. How old is your main character? I liked the reference to the 'blue moon' by having the two characters named Blue and Moon. If you decide to make part two, I would recommend placing your main character in some sort of danger, and somehow incorporating a blue moon into the story. All around, great job!

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 22:00

All of the character's are 18 years old and kinda close to 19. Ember is not a monster, that's why Blue and Moon were telling her they'd keep it a secret once she said she wasn't. I've thought about her secretly being one or maybe Blue biting her for some reason but I'm not sure if i'll do either of those. The character's names weren't a 'blue moon' reference, i just really liked the names and went with them, i was having trouble coming up with names for this story. What kind of danger would you want her to be in though? and thanks, i'm glad you enjoyed the story ^^

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Itay Frenkel
October 23, 2020 22:58

Well maybe students start being killed, and for some reason, everyone starts suspecting her? I'll try thinking about more stuff, but that's all I got for now.

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 22:59

I was thinking of maybe some romance as well cuz reasons, could you help with that as well?

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Itay Frenkel
October 23, 2020 23:02

Sure, between which characters?

P.s I just noticed you took my name out of your bio. This is kinda awkward, but did I do something to cause that?

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 23:04

huh? Oh no, i was just adding as many friends as i could and i forgot a few of them, i'll put you back in ^^ i was wanting the romance to be between Ember and Blue.

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October 23, 2020 01:09

Wow I know this is gonna sound weird but what a calming story. Despite everything that was going on you somehow wrote it to be so calm and just really lowkey I guess. No screaming, no horror. I like how you made the main character I enjoyed the story. I was kinda afraid Moon and Blue would kill Ember off but you didn't and that surprised me but actually made me happy since I don't like all the you know--
But amazing story BW I can already tell you are a pro at Fantasy!

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 01:18

Thanks, i'm glad you liked the story ^^ Moon and Blue don't ever kill, even if they did there would be a few reasons on why they wouldn't kill her at least. Though the other characters MIGHT try to hurt or kill her when they find out she's a human. Did you maybe have a favorite part or character in it?

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October 23, 2020 01:21

Interesting!
My favorite part was "A Vampire? Yes. A werewolf? Yes as well." Moon said as she smiled again, this time with her fangs actually showing this time. Though as she said this, I could tell she was a bit confused by my reaction.'
Just because Moon said this like it was the normal-est thing in the world, it was funny😂

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 01:23

what do you think will happen in the next part or what do you want to happen in the next part?

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Anna Mosqueda
October 23, 2020 00:51

Hey I made it over! Great story! I can see that it was well thought out. I liked the lightheartedness of it, even though it was a spookyish story:) I also loved the names of Ember, Blue, and Moon. It was funny when you mentioned Twilight, I finished those books earlier this summer;)

Just some advice, make sure after you write, you go back and check your grammar. If you need help with that, I recommend Grammarly or any other online editor. These will make your stories easier to read and more grammatically correct. You can also get better at this by reading more books, that's how I've improved my writing.(If you take a look at my first stories you'll see more errors than I make now.)

Also, make sure to check punctuation. There were many sentences where you needed to use a comma in between, without it the sentence doesn't make much sense. This also helps with avoiding run-on sentences.

Other than that, keep writing Blair! I can tell that you have a great imagination and the best way to use that is to put it into writing! Thanks for reading my stories, can't wait to read more of yours;)

PS, don't take my critique as rude, I just want to help a fellow writer out. I, myself, get offended easily lol so I just wanted to make sure this is all kind-hearted!! <3

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 01:03

Thank's, i'm glad you liked it and thanks for some of the advice as well ^^ i have Grammarly and some other stuff, though i keep forgetting to use it. Did you maybe have a favorite part or character in the story and is there anything you want to happen in the next part?

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Anna Mosqueda
October 23, 2020 11:31

Of course! My favorite character would probably be Blue. Even though he didn't have a large part in this part of the story, I think you should make him more present in the next part! He's usually the type of character that I would like.

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B. W.
October 23, 2020 15:10

i could do that ^^

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S. K.
October 20, 2020 13:29

good job on the story! its a neat concept and i liked how you had analogies to horror movies. one thing i might suggest is trying (in future stories ofc) to break up some long sentences.

Example: I looked up at the large dull building ahead of me, it was three stories so i guess that was interesting. -->
I looked up at the large, dull building ahead of me. It was three stories tall, so I guess that was interesting.

great job and good luck!

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B. W.
October 20, 2020 15:25

Thanks i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part or character in it? I'll also try to work on the thing.

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S. K.
October 20, 2020 16:12

there wasn't a ton of chance for character development (except main character) but i liked the vampire girl! i think this story has a lot of potential

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B. W.
October 20, 2020 16:16

Thanks ^^ what do you think or what do you want to happen in the next part?

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S. K.
October 21, 2020 14:12

whatever you want... more development of the interesting world!

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B. W.
October 21, 2020 14:24

alrighty

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Kate :)
October 19, 2020 22:55

Hey! I just saw you're on the leaderboard and wanted to congratulate you. Good job! :)

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B. W.
October 20, 2020 00:14

oh, thanks katie ^^

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October 19, 2020 14:52

Ooh, great story! I really like the names blue and Moon.

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B. W.
October 19, 2020 14:54

Thanks ^^ did you have a favorite part?

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October 20, 2020 00:27

hmm, not really. I liked all of it.

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B. W.
October 20, 2020 00:28

oh

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October 22, 2020 00:57

Yep :)

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B. W.
October 22, 2020 00:58

when do ya think you'll make a new story?

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Charles Stucker
October 19, 2020 01:57

I got out of my car and began to gather my things so i can go inside and look for my dorm.- Not just the I, but you change between past and present tense- got, began, can, look = past, past, present, present.

shirts pocket- shirt's

around the lights weren't really on but I was luckily able to still see. - Period after around. Get rid of really. Then reorder the words, "but luckily, I was still able to see."

Ahead of me was a girl around my age something looked strange though, why was she really pale?- this is three sentences. put periods after age and though.

"Hey, your the new girl - you're

out from the girls mouth- girl's

"Uh yeah I guess that is me, My name's Ember." punctuation "Uh, yeah, I guess that is me. My name's Ember."

the names Moon." - name's

I began to look around the area that me and Moon were in- I, not me.

the school, jeez I think - change comma to period

"Your looking for your dorm- you're

buddy, me and Blue will come get you soon. - period after buddy. I, not me.
When choosing between me and I, reduce the sentence to the fundamental bit. Here it is "me will come get you." Now, it is obvious which to use. This works every time.

On the inside it actually seemed - comma after inside.

Maybe later I could try to replace it with some bubble wrap..- comma after later. Either three ellipses, or a single period.

I just kind of throw my belongings to the other side of the room, I'll put everything up correctly in the morning. I plugged in my phone and decided to listen to some music, I think that usually help's me fall asleep.- This is four sentences. Replace commas with periods.

She'll be fine until then, she's not- period not comma

things you've yet to met."- meet

Milk the scene on the roof for more tension. This is the key scene, though the introduction of vampire Moon should be retained. Make the transition to seeing Moon quick after the opening. I know you're trying to get past writing so much at barely over 1000 words, and this is step in that direction, but if you pull the focus more on the two scenes, you can make this pop a lot more. You have Ember who is, unknown to her, not quite human; Moon, the vampire; Blue, the werewolf, all in this monster boarding school. Great setup. Concentrate on the two scenes you have.

Meeting Moon. Play up the creepy factor. The school is eerily empty, despite being the start of a new term. The girl is hauntingly pale, with dark hair. Her voice has an enchanting lilt. Use every adjective with a magic, horror, or creepy connotation you can. But only one per sentence, or it goes overboard. Instead of pointy teeth, she has a lopsided smile which shows no teeth. Because she practices hiding them all the time, a habit for dealing with ordinary folks.

Same on waking up. He hears a wolf's howl. Wrong. Don't say I hear a wolf's howl. Say, "Something stirs within me, ending my sleep. A wolf sings a melancholy song to the full moon- which shines through my window."

Two habits to ditch-
Diluting what you say. Words and phrases like somehow, seemed to be, actually, just, etc. do nothing except steal the impact of your other words.

Starting every sentence with I. Unless I am acting, I can see things and report without the word I. Instead of "I saw Moon walking in the hallway toward me," write, "Moon walked along the hall toward me." The sentence loses the I and gains clarity.

Remember write scenes, and get rid of your weak habits. This has a lot of potential, all you have to do is work with it.

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B. W.
October 19, 2020 02:20

Yeah- the past and present tense thing is something i need to work on, though i think it might just be in this story and not the others. I was also wondering if you could check out my very first story i did on here? just kinda to see if i've gotten better since then or something. "A friend's secret" was the name, but anyway, I don't think i'll ever be able to be like that descriptive with things. You showed me what i should say instead of the wolf howl which i will probably change later but i probably wouldn't be able to do whatever you said. If i wanted the vampire character to die by sunlight i'd probably go like "The other humans, my people, they had a plan to get rid of her. I could tell by the looks on their faces, evil faces. they pulled the curtains letting the sunlight into the room, it hit Moon. I could only watch as she began to scream and writhe in pain, soon my friend...was nothing but dust." but then i'd probably need to be more descriptive with this, but i have no idea how to be really descriptive in my stories. Though still, thanks for all the advice like usual ^^

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Charles Stucker
October 19, 2020 08:28

The key to description is practice. Just like any other skill.

Reply

B. W.
October 19, 2020 14:20

alright

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