Lady Luck

I liked Juliet. I really did. But wait, listen. Let me tell you what really happened because none of that was my fault.

The Montague, Romeo's father, was born into a powerful family. It took generations of murder and cheating to hoard that wealth then he did the most cliche thing ever. He started to gamble it away. I mean, he started to turn his gaze on me instead of Pluto. I liked the attention and he was kind of hot so I let him win a few bets, pushed him toward that adoring horse mouthed heiress and they had a beautiful son. It could have been good but then he started bragging about how lucky HE was or when I got distracted by playing with fleas -- Now that was a fun game! Get a lady to drop a handkerchief with a flea on it, get a street urchin to pick it up, have him walk near a hat store, the hat gets bought by a gentleman who gives it to his mistress, you get the picture... Once this girl had a twig of rosemary tied in a lucky knot on her so I spent an entire day redirecting all sorts of fleas away from her. Did end up killing all her siblings and parents though… oops! Oh, they would have died anyway. I can work my own type of magic but I can’t control death or animals or the fucking plague, so chill… controlling all those fleas was just a mind puzzle I liked to indulge in and I only got to play with the lives that the Fates didn’t care about. Besides, I had so much fun that afternoon, I gave a shit ton of luck to her. I’m sure she found a dragon hoard somewhere and did just fine. Anyway, when I was distracted, he’d say how he was down on HIS luck. The bastard.

So I decided to kill his son.

Just kidding! I’m not that unreasonable. I can be cruel but I’m not manic.

At first I was just going to make him lose a few heavy bets but as I would have it, he stopped gambling! Like cold turkey! Like what?! This was before rehab centers and accountability for men in power -- I mean like ZERO accountability, like no jail even if they murdered someone in the plaza kind of zero -- so it was a real shocker. So I decided to work with what I could. I nudged a few business transactions Capulet’s way until they were at each other’s throats. Then their son who, I admit, reminded me a little too much of his father for his own good, started chasing tail, so I made him unlucky in love. Making people unlucky in love is the BEST! Unlucky in money is just hand-wringing and unlucky in health is just tragic but the range of reactions humans display for being unlucky in love is just fascinating. With Lucia, Romeo clung to his friends, and with Tessa, he learned to drink and with Fiora, he turned violent and with Rosaline, he turned mopey. Having an erratic teenager in the house is a travail for any parent, especially a caring one and I have the admit, Montague was a pretty caring father. In all honesty, I didn't really even work that hard on torturing Montague through Romeo. The girls were all beautiful and were smart enough to see him for the lech that he was. I just provided Romeo with the opportunity to see them and that boy just fell hard for each and every one. For his meeting with Juliet, all I did was have the illiterate servant bump into Romeo. I was so excited by the thought of him chasing the one girl in town completely out of his reach that I underestimated her vast stupidity. That was my bad.

Let me tell you something about teenagers and lust. They have the will and they will find a way.

So they did despite walls, guards or balconies.

Anyway, some stuff happened inside the church. I don’t really go into churches. Not my jurisdiction, you know? So I was just going to let it go. Who was I to asunder whatever.

Then Romeo did something that really pissed me off. He killed Tybalt then said, and I quote, “O, I am fortune’s fool!” Let that sink in for a minute. He blamed me for him killing Tybalt and getting Mercutio killed. Not the Fates. Not his little brain that only worked on adrenaline and lust. Not his dumb ass that decided to get in the way of Mercutio then chase Tybalt down. But little old me.

So I messed with a few fleas and derailed a letter.

That’s it. That’s all I did.

Okay, maybe when Romeo said that Paris’s life was written in “sour misfortune’s book,” it ticked me off a little more so I nudged the tomb to open. Romeo really didn’t have the guns for it despite all his fancy sword play so maybe that’s why Romeo got to Juliet a little before Friar Lawrence showed up to open the tomb. Now, that man had some nice guns under that frock…maybe he does a lot of arm exercises as a celibate but I would not have minded a little of him, you know? But back to Romeo! He could have been patient. He could have noticed that Juliet did not look like a freaking corpse. She had rosy cheeks for fucks sakes! He could have owned up to his murders instead of trying to blame me. I didn’t even know Paris. Paris was always like Aphrodite's thing.

I refuse to be blamed for Romeo’s death when all I did was nudge a few pebbles around the tomb opening.

Now Juliet, on the other hand, I did like despite her being really dumb… like Amanda Seyfried in Mean Girls dumb. She would talk to me like I was a real person. She had a lot of imaginary friends. That poor kid was always talking to herself, a little love-starved. I felt sorry for her. She had no one but that Nurse! Oh and that family of hers … what a dumpster fire for parents huh? Anyway, I made sure Friar Lawrence got there in time and let me tell you, cleaning up fleas is a lot more work than moving them or spreading them around. And after all I did to make sure Juliet came out alive, what does that irresponsible himbo do? He runs away leaving that poor stupid confused girl surrounded by dead bodies.

That’s on him.

So that’s it. That’s the true version. I am real and I am fickle and I am cruel and unfair -- not like I’m karma so don’t expect me to act like it -- but don’t you dare blame me for the shit you guys did.

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Now copy and forward this story to 10 people and you will have me for the next seven years. If you do not, you will never see me again.