The Academy of Villainy & Misunderstandings

Walking the hallowed halls of The Academy of Villainy and Conquest, where ‘Forging Tomorrow's Tyrants Since 1163’, is etched in the frosted glass on the doors, Toby practically skips into his new life. The Harvard of Villainy Schools. The big leagues. Banners hang in the halls displaying conquests of academy achievements. 

Glancing at, 731 Consecutive Days Without a Heroic Intervention, Toby thinks, “731 days. Dang. That is a really long time, he can barely go an hour without heroic intervention.”

He scoffs at the banner displaying “Largest Recorded Volcano Summoning (Controlled Category).” Child’s play, in a controlled environment.” Toby mutters.

The one that grabs his attention the most though is “17 Consecutive Years Undefeated in Intercollegiate Doomcraft.” Intercollegiate Doomcraft is why he is here. Doomcraft is Toby’s biggest life passion. He feels a shiver of excitement wave over him.  

Making his way down the candlelit hallway, he sees a huge stone archway::

THE CHAMBER OF ETERNAL TORMENT

His schedule says homeroom is here. Professor Thaddeus Blackthorn is taking attendance.  

“Vexara Nightshade?” 

“Here,” she responds.

Seraphine Doomrose

“Right here,” says Seraphine.   

Darius Bloodterhorn

“Yo, Professor Blackthorn! How was your summer?” Darius asks. Professor Blackthorn looks unamused.

Toby McCaliver?

Everyone giggles.  

“Class quiet, Toby… McCaliver?”

Toby raises his hand silently. His long dark bangs shift in front of his piercing gray eyes. His first curse may be to his parents, for naming him Toby.  

The end-of-period gong rattles the stained-glass windows.. Toby looks down at the parchment scroll in his hand which displays his schedule. His first period class is: Practical Monologuing 101. A freshman prerequisite he thinks he will breeze through.  

Toby is turned around in the hallways that all look the same, he sees Professor Malachar and Professor Vexis quietly conversing in the Annex of Lost Souls. Toby creeps up beside them, never one to miss an opportunity for malarky.  

“It is really a shame about The Dark Lord,” Professor Malachar says. He seems distressed.

“Indeed,” Professor Vexis replies. “I’ve heard he won’t be returning, after the blood moon.”  

“That is correct, Vexis. Terrible business, truly. The arrangements have been made,” Professor Malachar says, looking quite pleased with himself. The two professors clink their goblets and drift down the endless hallways. 

Toby spirals. The Dark Lord is the highest elder at the AVC. What does this mean? Are they staging a coup? Toby spots Seraphine in the hallway, and asks, “What does it mean when someone can’t return until after a blood moon?”

Arching an eyebrow, she says, “New kid. Toby, is it? Where did you hear that?”

“Just around, walking to class,” Toby responds.

“Well, Toby,” she says, elongating the y vowel in his name to an annoying length, “basically nobody really knows what that means, but generally the elders say it when something tragic has happened. Tell me who said it right now.” She stared daggers at him. 

Toby suddenly feels nauseous, and for the briefest of moments wonders if he is cut from the same cloth as his peers. Maybe the AVC was not the right choice. His parents told him the junior university, The Lesser Academy of Villainous Arts, would also be a fine and acceptable choice. 

Last year, he accidentally won the regional championships in a controlled environment.. He turned his opponent's wyvern into a wyvern shaped decorative shrub. He proudly displayed his trophy, believing it secured his acceptance to the AVC. 

Toby looks at his watch and tells Seraphine that he is late for his first period on his first day and he jogs away from her. That was the moment it all began.  

Toby attends classes and at lunch he searches for a place to sit. Seraphine waves him over. The centerpieces on the wood tables are skulls with black roses in them. He wonders if they are real skulls. He picks at lunch his lunch and becomes a sponge for the whispers deafening the Hall Of Endless Consumption. 

“New kid,” Seraphine says pointing her fork at him, “Tell them what you told me. About the blood moon.”

Toby gulps his water and tries to steady his trembling hands. “Oh, uh. I had just overheard that someone might not be coming back after the blood moon. I didn’t know what that meant.”

The classmates gave each other quiet glances.  

“Well, Toby,” again with elongated y, “we need to tell the elders. It can be serious,” she says. 

“It was the elders discussing it, I think they know.” Toby replies wishing he had taken more notes in Practical Monologuing 101.  

“I knew it,” Darius chimes in. “It’s The Dark Lord, he has not seemed well lately. I told you. There will be tyranny to come now as everyone fights to usurp each other.”  

“I just talked to the Dark Lord, yesterday, Darius. He was fine. He mentioned something about a pottery class upcoming. He needs to make more centerpiece skulls,” Vexara adds. 

Toby has one concrete answer from today. The skulls are not real.  

After lunch, Darius shares the rumor with three additional villains, two upperclassmen and one junior conquistador. Seraphine tells an elder, who seems to take the information seriously and makes haste to the front office. 

Toby attends the remainder of his classes and is on his way to what he assumes will be one of his favorite activities. Theremin practice. Once practice is over, he will join his classmates for dinner, then he hopes to return to his dorm. Today has been an exhausting one between the rumors, gossip and the hallway system in the AVC. He decides that his first order of Doomcraft might not be a name change, but an architectural change. 

At dinner, Seraphine waves him over. He joins his new band of bandits at the table, the roses are now wilting.  

“I have asked around after the Dark Lord, it is confirmed. He is not expected to survive the blood moon,” Darius announces, boastfully.  

“Darius, I talked to him yesterday. He was in great spirits. He was happy, seemed excited,” Vexara responds.

“Exactly my point. He is the longest standing elder of the AVC, he probably is excited to join the eternal elders. I’ve heard Keyser is there to greet new souls,” Darius scoffs.  

“Soze?” Vexara laughs, “He’s not real Darius.”

“That is what he wants you to think, Vex. You are so narrow minded,” Darius quips.  

Everyone silently picks at their meals then discusses plans for the evening. Bocce ball on the courts. A bon fire that is happening with curse rehearsal. Toby is not interested in any of this. After dinner he heads straight to his dorm. That night he dreams of The Dark Lord consumed by fire, snakes, and ash as he screams for Toby to help him.

The next morning on his way to The Chamber of Torment, Seraphine grabs him and pulls him into a hallway he had yet to discover.  

“Did you hear?” she asks.

“Hear what?” Toby responds.

“The Dark Lord. He died.”

“What?” Toby yelps, his voice cracking slightly.  

“Yep,” she says. “We are entering uncharted territory now, new kid. You picked a great time to enroll.”

“Did any of the elders confirm this?” Toby asks.

“Do they need to? Can’t you feel it, Toby? You are probably too new. We can feel it when an elder of The Dark Lord’s stature goes to eternal elderhood.” She responds matter-of-factly. 

In homeroom, Professor Blackthorn is wearing black robes. The windows were covered with black draperies. Written on the blackboard in dramatic scroll, “Gone Beyond the Blood Moon” Underneath that in smaller writing a note, “Student villains, counseling services are available in the chamber of emotional suppression. A hall pass is required.”

During theremin practice that afternoon a crowd amassed outside the hall of symphonic demise. The crowd shares appreciative glances with appreciation that Toby is one of them. He has been selected to perform at the funeral for The Dark Lord.

After practice, an upperclassman approaches Toby quickly. She has a tape recorder in her hand, a pen and notebook.  

“Are you Toby?” she asks. 

“Yeah, who are you?” Toby responds.

“Octavia Graves, president of the school newspaper. I heard your performance there. It was quite moving. We are noticing your devotion to our dearly departed Dark Lord.”

“Okay…” Toby says.

“Toby, we understand that you were the first person to learn about The Dark Lord’s untimely passing, what is your comment on that?” Octavia asks in a newscaster voice.

“Uh. I wouldn’t say he is dead,” Toby starts but before he can finish his sentence Octavia blurts out, “Not DEAD?”

“Not exactly?” Toby is starting to question himself. Tomorrow he really needs to pay attention in Practical Monologuing 101. 

The school newspaper, The Zoom Chronicles, released a special edition in the morning, the headlines read:

Reports from a verified source, ‘The Dark Lord, is “Not Exactly Dead!”

In the online Faculty Forum, there are multiple posts about The Dark Lord's untimely departure to eternal elderness.

Author: Agatha Crowe (Secretary to The Dark Lord)

I glanced at his planner on his desk. It read, Monday: Pottery. Tuesday: Pottery. Wednesday: Pottery. Thursday: Pottery. 

The faculty now suspects, The Dark Lord, may have been cursed with rapid mental decline and was no longer in control of his own faculties. The bizarre thing was everything else The Dark Lord would need was gone from his office. His paperwork, his computer, but his charger remained.  

There were two other posts in the faculty forum that day:

Author: Professor Malachar

For Immediate Release

Professor Malachar will be the temporary acting elder of the AVC

Exactly four minutes later another post:

Author: Professor Vexis

Professor Vexis will act as the temporary highest elder of the AVC effective immediately.

At lunch that day, the menu reads, “hamburger unhelper.” Toby is unsure what this is, but it is palatable. Whispers at the table of which professor will replace The Dark Lord circle. Everyone has an opinion.

“Guys, I talked to him the day before he left.” Vexara announces.

The rest of the table, except for Toby, rolls their eyes at Vexara, and groans. 

“Everyone handles grief differently,” Darius tells Vexara. 

Toby walks to his next class, History of Failed Coups. Entering late, the professor glares at him, he quickly takes a seat in the front row. 

On the blackboard today's lesson is written: “CIVILIZED POWER GRABS”

Toby wishes they would remove the black drapery from the windows because he truly does miss the sunshine. The candles and torches add ambiance, but he would prefer to see what he is studying. The level of Doomcraft he aches to achieve does need the gift of illumination.  

Toby notices that the class is divided into two separate groups. He is sitting directly in the middle, with a row of empty desks behind him, except for one person, Vexara who sits in the back doodling on a notepad. To his left side, the students are wearing black armbands. To his right side the students are wearing slightly darker black armbands. Toby then spends at least three minutes trying to determine whether the slightly darker armbands represented a more advanced level of mourning.   

He turns to Vexara and asks what is going on. She points her pen towards the blackboard.  

“Power grabs, Toby,” she sighs. “To your left, Team Malachar. They believe The Dark Lord is dead. They are a very serious faction; they are starting a petition in support of Professor Malachar. To your right, Team Vexis. They also believe The Dark Lord is dead. It is ironic that both sides have the same beliefs, however; they additionally believe that Team Malachar supporters are tyrannical radicals. They have scheduled synchronized brooding this evening after dinner in silent protest of Malachar’s supporters.”

“Oh,” Toby says. “And you? You’re not on either side.”

“Yeah,” Vexara says, raising her voice for the class to hear, “None of you deserve higher education.”  

Across campus in the faculty lounge, the professors are also wearing arm bands, black and blacker. They too have taken sides. The faculty online forum is a buzz

Author: Professor Mortis

Is it at all possible that the pottery references are coded messages?  

Author: Professor Blackthorn

Has anyone even called The Dark Lord? 

Author Professor Mortis

That is precisely what a conspirator would suggest. The Dark Lord is with the eternal elders now.

Author: Professor Blackthorn

I am taking the day off tomorrow. You people and the mini villains are reducing my capacity for villainy. Will need a sub.   

Things escalated in the Hall of Endless Consumption at dinner that evening. As Toby sits down, Vexara scoots over on the bench to make room for him.  

“Do you really think he is coming back?” Toby inquires, “He is one of the reasons I applied to the AVC. He is the masterclass in Doomcraft, a Grand Cataclysmist. I had hoped to do my thesis under him.”

“Once his pottery is complete, he will return,” Vexara says.

Toby begins to think about if he is on the wrong side of this. He likes Vexara, but she seems rather whimsical to be studying villainy and conquests. If he only had a few more lessons in Civilized Power Grabs, he could make an educated decision on which arm band to choose, but he preferred the darker armbands. The regular black ones seemed a bit faded, like when his mom mixed darks and lights in the laundry. 

After dinner, Toby walks to his theremin lessons and sees the synchronized brooding gathering. There are dozens of classmates sitting on the green lawn. They are wearing stark pressed black capes with the AVC sigil embroidered in gold thread.

Their hoods are up and they are silently sitting crossed legged, just gazing into the distance. Toby decides based on this alone if he must pick a side, he will now be part of Team Malachar. He has no desire to sit on the grass and stare into the abyss, but he does rather like the capes.  

After his theremin lesson, where the instructor reviews Amazing Grace, Toby is excited for sleep. He dreams of pottery skulls, the blackest of arm bands creating a chain to bind him to The Elderthorn, a massive oak tree in the middle of campus. Darius chanting, TEAM MALACHAR FOREVER at the top of his lungs while he holds a giant flag fist raised in the air.  

In homeroom the next morning, Professor Blackthorn is noticeably absent, The Dark Lord’s secretary, Ms. Crowe, is sitting in the classroom. Toby sits in the middle still but considers sitting on the left.  

Silently across campus a black older model classic car parks in the first spot in the lot. A man walks into the faculty building. He notices that the windows are covered in black drapery and there is an eerie silence. He finds this very bizarre; they only do this when an elder has passed and surely someone would have called him if an elder passed. He walks to his desk, and yes, there is his computer charger. He knew he forgot it, the amount of work he is going to have to catch up on is terrifying.  

The students in Professor Blackthorn’s homeroom have erupted to a level of shouting. Debating the ethics of Professor Malachar and Professor Vexis. Toby sweats profusely because he knows it is now or never. He must defect to a side.  

The elderly man walks to his car and takes out a crate of poorly sculpted skulls. He is quite proud of this batch and walks to the Hall of Endless Consumption. He wants to display his creativity before he opens his inbox.  

As he makes his way, he sees professors on the lawn and smiles and waves. Their eyes grow to the size of saucers.  

In the Hall of Endless Consumption, The Dark Lord starts the task of replacing the skulls as a crowd begins to form. Students are weeping, and Malachar and Vexis rush up to him.  

“Dark Lord! You are okay!” Malachar cries.  

“Yes?” The Dark Lord responds, questioning. “Look at my new skulls. My pottery retreat was very peaceful. I made a new one for each table.”

“Pottery retreat?” Malachar asks, “But you didn’t tell anyone.”

“Did nobody read my out of office message? It is also on my calendar, pottery, pottery, pottery, pottery,” The Dark Lord responds.

“But the blood moon?” Malachar asks

“It was glorious. I can only credit The Blood Moon for my latest inspirational pieces,” The Dark Lord says, proudly. “Wait, Malachar, what is going on here? Why is everyone wearing funeral capes? Is that Amazing Grace I hear faintly being played on the theremin? Who died?”

Across campus the gong bellows three loud bangs:

“Attention villains. We have WONDERFUL news to share. The Dark Lord has returned to us. We welcome everyone to greet The Dark Lord in the Hall of Endless Consumption. The chefs will prepare a cake to celebrate his return.”

Moments later an email blast pings everyone’s tablets, with an urgent edition of The Doom Chronicles

THE DARK LORD HAS BEEN RESURRECTED

In homeroom, Vexara exclaims, annoyed but triumphant, “Told ya. Pottery.”

The villains rush to the Hall of Endless Consumption. People are praising The Dark Lord and hugging him. Professors are crying and there is a pile of black and slightly blacker armbands on the floor.  

Toby walks over to him, reaches out a hand and says, “It’s nice to meet you Dark Lord, we have missed you.”

“Toby! I quite liked your essay, A Framework for Sustainable Doomcraft Excellence. I remember it well. It secured your spot in the AVC! Welcome, young Doomcrafter. Take a look at my pottery skulls.” The Dark Lord points down at the table.

Toby learned numerous important lessons during his first week at the Academy of Villainy and Conquest; however, the most important was this: The Dark Lord was absolutely terrible at pottery.