Many a True Word Spoken in Jest

It was the day after the grand feast.

The Fog Lake Ferox wind of the previous evening had blown itself out.

Most of the Arthurian characters in the Fog Lake below Malory Tennyson’s Cloudbank Cabin for Arthurian studies were still in their beds in recovery mode.

Dagonet the Jester was one exception. He was sitting atop an upturned rock in the meadow beside the tournament arena, looking like a model for the Joker in a deck of playing cards.

He was working on the material he would present when he entertained in The Tavern the following week. He was considering whether any of the situations he had witnessed at last night’s feast could be included.

Dagonet had become a popular entertainer in The Tavern and several other similar venues ever since he championed the cause of the common people, (‘the folk not noblessly obliged’ as Lerner & Lowe would say) for the Names and Backstories Movement Protest.

His own rich backstory extended back to the 13th century. But Dagonet had supported the rights of all to have a name and a backstory with all the opportunities that provided.

But The Tavern Crowd expected a different style of patter than the ones he usually presented in court. The Tavern folk were more direct, earthy and honest than those in the castle society. Their cares and concerns were different.

Dagonet had watched others entertaining in The Tavern, attempting to gauge the humour that would be best received.

The opening was nearly always a word of praise for The Tavern and the surrounding area. Then often the jester would name another town and ask if anyone in the audience was from that place. Sometimes he would know in advance to expect visitors from a certain town. The reactions to those comments then set the tone for the rest of the performance.

But Dagonet had seen that format backfire sometimes. One joker had caused a riot by asking first about the locals and then disparaging the wild Woads from the other side of Hadrian’s wall, not knowing that there was a whole crowd of the blue-faces in town for a round ball game against the locals.

Many of the jesters who performed in The Tavern scored their laughs by delivering large helpings of profanity, blasphemy, swearing, sexual double entendres, and crude discussions of bodily functions. Like children giggling about pees and poos, Dagonet thought. He determined that he would not copy those methods.

However, Dagonet also knew that jokes about the vagaries of court life could fall flat when told to The Tavern Crowd. And most of them would not recognize references to classic tales, being more familiar with the current songs the troubadours sang. So, for example, likening Queen Guinevere to Penelope or Helen of Troy would not mean anything to them.

Dagonet wanted to ensure that he was not telling a joke he had previously told to that audience in that venue; so he created a parchment spreadsheet. The document had columns for the venue, date, jokes told, and reaction received.

Looking through the jokes on the parchment now, deciding whether any of them would be suitable for The Tavern crowd, Dagonet wrote T or C beside each one – T for Tavern (or similar) and C for Court. He also needed to be aware of what topics would offend the Christians and what would offend followers of the Old Faith, so he added notations of Ch or O.

Many of the jokes he had written had never been performed. Dagonet realized that he had been self-censoring for a long time. He remembered a discussion with Portly Scribe Aforementioned. He had asked Portly how he managed to write such elegant reports of heated meetings, which showed clearly the positions held by each speaker without showing favour to either side. He had asked whether he was ever challenged about the exact wording in his records. Portly Scribe Aforesaid had told him that he always made two sets of notes. One was a verbatim transcription and the other was a summary.

Looking back through the unused jokes, Dagonet realized that all of them, although funny, were examples of information passed to him in confidence or his observations of situations which could cause embarrassment or distress if told.

Dagonet had become a Keeper of Secrets.

Dagonet had been the one in whom King Arthur confided his deepest concerns and sorrows. He knew that Sir Mordred was not only King Arthur’s nephew but also his son. He knew that the king would only make him his heir if he proved to be worthy and if Queen Guinevere did not give him a legitimate heir.

The gossips speculated that the queen was taking precautions against the possibility of producing a dark-eyed, black-haired heir for the grey eyed, red golden king.

And by all accounts Mordred would not submit to scrutiny of his actions, was not prepared to wait, and was busy gathering himself a collection of other angry young men and building alliance with the Saxons.

Dagonet knew about the feuds between the various families and clans. Any of those could explode into an event that would make the ball game riot look like a picnic in the woods. Wiser not to mention any of those in his patter.

Performing with a group of minstrels had taken Dagonet to Sir Lancelot du Lac’s castle, Joyous Garde, where he had seen Tristan and Isolde hiding out to avoid the wrath of King Mark, Isolde’s husband. To mention that would be to court war with Ireland.

The Tristan and Isolde affair bore an uncanny resemblance to the Lancelot and Guinevere situation. Both ladies were married by treaty to older kings and fell in love with the finest young knights in their court. Speaking of Tristan and Isolde also implied an allusion to Lancelot and Guinevere.

Dagonet was as much a confidante for Lancelot as he was for King Arthur.

He knew about Lancelot’s blackouts. He had once pulled Lancelot and his horse out of a bog and led him back to Camelot, announcing that he, Dagonet, had overcome the great Sir Lancelot du Lac. The act had caused much amusement and saved embarrassment.

He knew how much Lancelot and Guinevere both loved Arthur and how hard they tried to avoid scandal. Their relationship, if proven, would spell charges of treason, banishment, and a breakdown of alliance with Benoic.

Dagonet put asterisks on his parchment beside all the topics that must be avoided in the interests of national security. He wondered what he should do with this incriminating document, so that it would not fall into the wrong hands.

Just imagine what would happen if Proclamation Parchments or Scandal Sheets got hold of it!

That still left Dagonet wondering what he would present at his show in The Tavern. He considered the previous evening’s feast as a source of material.

There was Sir Gawain, roaring drunk, accosting any man wearing green and yelling “Off with his head!” The Tavern crowd would relate to that; but would it diminish their respect for King Arthur’s favourite nephew?

Dagonet knew that Sir Gawain had been drinking heavily ever since he had been challenged, by The Green Knight, to deal him a blow on the understanding that The Green Knight could deal Gawain exactly the same blow in one year’s time.

Thinking to avoid the return blow, Gawain had decapitated The Green Knight, who promptly picked up the fallen head and rode away. Now retribution was only a few months away.

And Sir Lancelot attempting to have just one goblet of wine and being prevented from drinking by his massive companion dog, Heureux.

And the Cockentrice that was served. Dagonet knew that was not the carcass of a real creature. He had seen them in the kitchens putting together the head of a cockerel and the body of a boar. When coated with pastry nobody would know the difference!

While Dagonet was deciding on tales for his repertoire, Sir Lancelot and Heureux appeared.

“Morning, Lancelot! You are up bright and early. Didn’t Heureux let you get drunk enough to sleep in like everyone else?

I am working on my patter for The Tavern gig. Could you give me some advice about what to include?”

“Avec plaisir.”

“Can I tell about Heureux splashing you with wine every time you tried to drink?”

“You can say he was doing it. But I would prefer you not to mention the reason.”

“What about Sir Gawain’s behaviour?”

“No, I would avoid telling that, out of respect for the turmoil Gawain is going though at the moment.”

“Do you have any other funny things that have happened to you recently that I could safely tell?”

“Well, I did get shot with an arrow in the derriere by one of the Queen’s ladies during a recent hunt. It was not serious, but very embarrassing to me!”

“Great! And I am definitely telling that the Cockentrice at the feast was not really a fearsome monster that came out of the hole in the meadow and that you slew it to protect the people. I was in the kitchens when they were assembling it!”

Lancelot’s laughter faded and his dark eyes grew darker.

“No, Dagonet! Do not tell them that. Let them believe.”

“Would it dent your Hero ego?”

“No, Dagonet. It is not that.

When I was an infant, King Claudas sacked our family castle in Benoic and his men threw me into the lake.

I would have drowned; but I was saved by the Lady of the Lake who brought me up as her son. I was safe from King Claudas throughout my childhood because everyone believed that the little prince was dead.

I did fight the Cockentrice; but then I smuggled it away to a sanctuary.

Please let them continue to believe that the Cockentrice is dead.”